All Aboard the Pity Boat

14dpo - beta

2011-08-31T19:25:00.003-04:00

Pee test this morning was negative again so I knew what was coming. The beta was negative. I'm really bummed (understatement) but trying to ignore it. I mean really, did I expect any different?

I was already gloomy enough in my last post so here is my attempt at thinking happy thoughts.

The fertility clinic I go to has the best blood drawers ever. I have a needle phobia - have never been good with them. Obviously through the IF years I've learned to better deal with frequent blood draws but they still freak me out. This place makes it so much better. They get it over with super fast, they try to distract if I seem like I'm getting anxious, they hardly ever leave any bruise or mark at all (I've had some bad ones at other places), and often I can barely feel the needle go in. The picture below shows my arm a few minutes ago - see the tiny red dot? That's the only mark and I hardly felt it. Today, as she was drawing my blood I told her they are awesome at it and I appreciate it so much.

Things I get to do now:

- Stop taking so many pills a day for a little while. I currently take 7.

- Stop taking the progesterone gel every night. Ugh that stuff is unpleasant.

- Not worry about if I'll be able to do the upcoming vegas half marathon while 18 weeks pregnant. I'm signing up officially in the next couple days.

- Get rid of the sore boobs in a day or so hopefully. (well, the soreness anyway, not the boobs themselves...)

- Move on and officially end this cycle. This random cramping must be from the progesterone and, now that I know everything is negative, it's driving me crazy :/

I'm planning on doing this all again next cycle if they'll let me. I must be crazy.

13dpo

2011-08-30T13:15:00.002-04:00

My hope is gone. I tested for the past 3 mornings - all negative. I'm irritable, sad, crampy, and "the girls" have been sore now for a couple days. I feel the need to apologize for being such a downer.

The picture kind of goes along with this depressing theme. Earlier this year we cleaned out our garage (one pet peeve of mine is attached garages that can't actually be used to park cars in, so we always keep ours fairly clean) and I came across a box that hadn't been sorted through in a LONG time.

Those are the magazines I started subscribing to, buying, and collecting when, 15 years ago, I decided I was ready to have a baby. Silly me. The years on each magazine are what really get me. I threw them all away.

Tomorrow I fully expect the test in the morning to be negative and my beta to be negative too. I suppose there is still a small chance but I'm pretty sure that a test wold have been positive this morning if it was going to be at all.

10 dpo

2011-08-27T14:14:00.001-04:00

Took this with my phone camera right after my hsg/shg in June. It's my uterus; the tube on the left in the picture is pretty clear, with the spillage at the end, but to me the tube on the right looks odd. Too long or something. The doctor and nurse did not say there was anything abnormal.

I was able to wait 2 days but tested this morning. Negative.

I'm feeling crampy today, like my period's about to start. That could be a good sign or it could mean nothing.

Guess I'll just have to keep waiting...

It's Not Real

2011-08-25T12:28:00.003-04:00

This is my first ever positive pregnancy test. It's not "real" but it is a symbol of hope. Too much hope realistically. It's the result of a trigger shot.

Back Story

Back in June I decided to go back to my fertility clinic. There was a whole fiasco with a gyn/fertility clinic I was going to closing and I wanted to get a new prescription (for glumetza, I'm currently on metformin) so I figured what the heck. July was also my much-dreaded "advanced maternal age" birthday which I tried my best to ignore.ugh. I ended up discussing a clomid cycle, got all the medication for it, and then it was cancelled due to an elevated tsh level.

About one month on a low dose of levothyroxine and my tsh still wasn't low enough (it was about 4) so I started on double the dose. That did the trick and my tsh lowered to about 2. I'm still on that dose.

During the first cycle that was cancelled I had my second hsg. It went uncomfortably fine. Both tubes are still open. However they found that my uterine lining did not look smooth in some places and they recommended a D&C. I was not on board with this and didn't schedule one.

During the cd3 u/s of the second cycle, an ovarian cyst was found. So, the second cycle was also a bust for both elevated tsh and the cyst. They put me on BCPs for that month. I was fine with taking the pill; however, about 11 years ago I had taken BCPs for about 1.5-2 years and had a bad experience with them. I told the nurse that and she gave me a lower dose type. I took the first pill that day and then proceeded to spot/bleed for the entire cycle. It was awesome. {please note the sarcasm}

When the pack of pills had about 2 weeks left (including the 5 placeholder pills) I realized that I would be taking the last real pill days before the half marathon which was some really crappy timing. I called the office, told them about the half marathon, and asked if I could stop the pill earlier. They agreed. Yay!

On Aug 5th I went in for my cd3 u/s and blood work. My tsh was a 2 and the cyst was gone.

I took 100mg of clomid from Aug 6th - 10th. I didn't have high hopes. I've taken clomid before - though it was about 15 years ago now and those cycles were unmonitored - and I was never able to detect ovulation.

On the morning of Aug 16th (cd 14) I went in for the progress u/s and more blood work. To my surprise my lining looked great and there was one dominant 20mm+ follicle. Whoa. There were a couple other follicles but all under 16mm. A perfect response!? Definitely not what I was expecting.

They gave me my hcg trigger (10,000 units) that day, at the end of my appt. Then of course, there was some sex. (this was not an iui cycle)

The test in the picture above was taken on the 17th. I had to do it. I had to create at least one positive test in my life, even if it was "fake".

Current Events

So, now that we're caught up in the story, let me just say that I'm currently going crazy. This is really the first actual 2ww I've ever had. One where I know there is a chance, however small.

My beta is on Aug 31st at 1:00pm. 6 more days. Assuming ovulation happened the day after the trigger, I'm currently 8dpo. I was planning not to test again but I've been getting steadily crazier and bought a bunch of $1 tests yesterday.

I tested last night to see if the trigger was still there and it wasn't. The test was definitely negative. Ever since that the hope I did have has diminished. Doesn't it take 10 days for 10,000 units of hcg to leave a person's system? Last night was only 8.5 days for me :/ I know this has nothing to do with whether I actually conceive or not but for some reason that negative test has really slapped the sense back into me.

Now that I know the trigger is gone, I'm going to wait at least a couple days before I consider testing again.

After waiting 15 years, getting pregnant on my very first monitored clomid cycle would be way too much luck for one person.

Second Half Marathon

2011-08-07T17:12:00.001-04:00

So very much more difficult than the one in Vegas.

It was POURING rain the entire time. I couldn't gave been more soaked and I have chafing "burns" on my waist and bottoms of my feet from the wet fabric.

This course also included quite a few hills. Ouch.

I finished though. I was so close to the Vegas time, I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't beat it, but Vegas was so much easier...

I am sore but nothing too crazy. No pains other than soreness (and the chafing injuries). My hips were hurting a fair amount in the last half mile but they feel ok now.

I don't have any pictures. I was planning to bring my phone to take some but with the heavy rain forecast I was afraid I'd ruin it.

We are hoping to do the Vegas half marathon again this December.

Vacation Time

2011-05-22T15:19:00.001-04:00

Happy ICLW everyone! I've already gotten a bunch of lovely comments. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading! :)

I'm on vacation this week so I'm hoping to get to read and comment a lot.

As I'm typing this I'm in the car with R (husband) and the dog driving to a house we've rented for the next 4 days in the Adirondacks. It's very large (we have 4 friends joining us), nice and secluded, views of the mountains, large property with a river. River (my dog) is going to have a blast with his very own river!

This weekend is also both R's birthday and our anniversary. We've been married for 6 years. R picked the day of our wedding specifically so he would have extra help remembering the date :D

We went out for a nice dinner yesterday (I got sweet and sour calamari, walnut crusted cod with spinach risotto, & panacotta for dessert) and we have a bottle of champagne to share with everyone tonight. We don't buy each other presents but every year we get a bottle of the same type of champagne. Our own little tradition.

I got a pedicure yesterday too. I used to have a funky thing going on with my big-toe toenails and after years of trying different things, finally managed to clear it up. Last Sept I got one for the first time and now I'm addicted. I get one every few months - love how long they last.

I'm still sore but getting better. C (my sister) and I went for our long, week-2 run earlier today. 4 miles. It pretty much sucked (we walked a lot) but, as always, we're happy we went. C's arches were bothering her and we just aren't used to the heat/humidity yet. Hopefully we get used to it since the half marathon is in August! Here is where I have second thoughts about this new goal. Yikes.

I'm Sore

2011-05-20T23:34:00.003-04:00

My calves are sore but in a good way. I kinda like it :)

I accomplished my goal. I jogged the entire 3.5 miles. No walking breaks. Really crazy that I can do this now.

My new time was a little under 48 mins, so I cut a bit more than 5 mins off my time from last year.

I'm definitely happy with this and proud I accomplished what I set out to but I'm having a hard time not comparing myself to others. I run/jog damn slow. Really slow. To my credit there were hills in yesterday's run which I'm not used to at all. But, I'm still extremely slow.

I keep telling myself that jogging for 48 mins straight is so much more than I've ever done athletically before 2 years ago and that I'll keep improving little by little if I keep it up.

Near the end of the race I had some brief flashes of concerning knee pain in my right knee. Same knee I've had a bunch of surgeries on (I tore my ACL ~18 years ago). It didn't last long but I'll be keeping an eye on it when I run next.

Speaking of running next, C and I are training for our 2nd half marathon that's on August 7th! I put a ticker up for it. I'm excited but way more nervous now that I know the 3.5 I just did was pretty tough.

This week was week 2 of our training and this weekend we'll be running 4 miles.

C is much more enthusiastic about this next half marathon now that she knows we've done it before :) I know we can do it again and this time we have a time to try to beat!

Another 3.5

2011-05-19T16:46:00.001-04:00

Tonight I'm running the corporate challenge (3.5 miles) with others from my company for the second year in a row.

Last year this event was my first ever "5k" and it is what helped inspire me to do the half marathon.

I was very disappointed last year when I had to walk almost the whole thing. Having been pretty sick in the month or so before, I didn't have a chance to build up as much as I was planning. Who knows, even if I wasn't sick I might have procrastinated anyway.

I finished last year in about 53 mins.

I'm going to beat this time tonight.

I know I can run for 3.5 miles straight now. I hadn't ever gone that distance last year without a walking break.

I'm actually looking forward to this!

(*pictured above is our team t-shirt, my number, and my almost 2 yr old(!!) ga.rmin)

The Unpleasant 1/3 of Life (My Work History)

2011-05-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't been happy at work for a long time now.

There are ups and downs all the time but generally I'm unhappy, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed, I'm pissed, I'm frustrated. However, I'm not sure if this is because of the job itself or because of a personality flaw or my lack of coping skills or what.

When I was 16, my first job was at a restaurant as a bus person. I don't remember my feelings toward it but I do remember crying in the car when my dad would drop me off. Finding the place deserted when I went in one day was not heart-breaking :) The owners had skipped out in the middle of the night.

My next real job (besides standard baby-sitting) was as a drug store cashier. I worked there through the rest of high school and after. I remember liking this job for the most part with some negative mixed in.

At 19, I moved out of my parent's house (dropped out of college) and across the country. That's a whole other story but when I finally started working, I had cashier/retail jobs until I became a nanny for a 3-month old baby girl. She was a cutie but her mom was a nut job. I loved the work but dealing with her mom was hard on me.

I left the nanny position 9-10 months later when I moved again, returning to my home town. I had formed strong ties with people at the drug store and they agreed to hire me back but for a different store. I was hired as the manager of the 1-hour photo. It was in an extremely busy area and we were constantly over capacity. That, along with a bad situation getting worse with my personal life, caused me a LOT of stress. I remember that Halloween had been a particularly bad day at work and I went to my mom's for a party. I went upstairs away from everyone, stood in a corner and cried. It all felt so hopeless.

After that I transferred back to my original store to work part time in their photo lab and not as a manager. At the same time I took a job as a nanny for a 9 week old little boy. In general I was happy with both jobs. Money sucked but my ex and I were always good with money and it wasn't an issue. I LOVED nannying. Seriously, best job I've ever had.

During these two jobs my life basically fell apart and my ex and I separated. I ended up moving away and leaving both jobs about 2 years later. I couldn't support myself anymore without my ex on so little pay and I needed a big change.

A brand-new drug store of the same chain was opening in my new town and I used my experience to easily get another photo lab manager position. That lasted about 3 months. Looking back it seems much longer. I really liked the photo-developing aspect of the job and I was good at managing the dept but I COULD NOT take the customers anymore. It was all over when my teenage employee's eyes moved from the angry woman storming away, to me, and said, "OMG you totally laughed in her face!!" Ugh. Not my best manager moment. I was so frustrated by getting yelled at for something that wasn't my fault, that I couldn't fix, for the millionth time. It was an "if you don't laugh, you'll cry" situation. I didn't get in trouble for the incident but I was so done with retail.

My bf at the time (R, my husband) worked at a website development company and got me a job as their administrative assistant. I didn't think I could do this job. It was much different than anything I'd ever done and paid much better too. Salaried pay?! What's that? Turned out I could easily handle it but it was a tiny company and I was bored much of the time. I played flash games half the day and remember being pretty unhappy with the boredom (silly, silly past-me). A year after I was hired, both R and I were laid off on the same day along with many more of the company's employees. Doh!

I missed being a nanny and applied to several day care centers but was sad to find out those positions pay about $6.50/hour. There was no way I could support myself on that. With R's help and encouragement I again branched out regarding the types of jobs I might be able to do. I really never considered that I could make more than a cashier's salary.

My next job was scheduler for a company with many medical offices. It's complicated to explain and this is already way too long but basically I cold-called people all day long and scheduled appts for them. I worked there for a little over 4 years. It didn't pay as well as the admin asst job but paid much better than any other job I'd ever had. At the beginning I liked it well enough but I eventually became stressed and frustrated with its tedious nature, the tiny raises, lack of promotion possibilities, and upper management in general. It was not a career.

I went back to school while at this job and finally finished a degree in biotechnology. I haven't mentioned it yet but none of my jobs have had anything to do with what I'm interested in (besides nannying anyway). I love sciences: biology (marine, plant, cell, micro), astronomy, geology, etc. Biology mostly though :)

After graduation I procrastinated about 6 months and started applying to lab tech positions and other things. I didn't get called back for the ones I liked the best. I interviewed at several places and was offered a job at a small company that couldn't give me health insurance and wasn't biology related but was in the right science-y direction. At the same time R got me an interview at the company he had been working at for 3+ years. It was a MUCH different position than anything I'd ever done before. I was very intimidated but he thought I could do it. It was a far cry from the science-related field I wanted to be in but it would pay about 3x as much as I was making.

I interviewed and I got the job. Pay was a HUGE part of why I took it. I could imagine having it as a career. It had good health insurance and a 401k. R works in the same building as me - we get to have lunch together, and sometimes commute together.

But there are lots of negatives that have compounded over the 4+ years I've been there and I'm very unhappy. And now I have a decision to make. A decision that I'm having a very hard time making.

Travel and Discontent

2011-05-14T01:40:00.001-04:00

The pic is of my sister's new kitten. She was fostering him and fell in love. Hard to imagine why ;)

C (my youngest sister who lives a mile from me) and I went to visit our middle sister the weekend before last in NC. We flew down and back in 3 days.

I had never been there. It was a good trip. We spent some quality 3-sister time together, which is rare, and we got lots of kitten cuddles too.

I've been traveling a lot this year. In Feb I went to NYC for work for a couple days. In March I flew to TX to visit my dad. At the beginning of April I went to see my grandmother and hang out with my dad a bit more since he was visiting her as well. Then there was the long weekend trip to NC and in about a week we are going to the adirondaks for a nice vacation in the woods.

The vacation will be the first time traveling with R this year. I'm looking forward to being off work for a while but am afraid of what might go on at work with my projects while I'm gone.

I'm continuing to have a hard time managing work stress but I'm not sure it's just work that's the problem. I feel like I can't get control of my life.

More about this later I guess. I need to get to bed. The later I stay up, the worse everything seems...

Pink

2011-05-12T12:55:00.000-04:00

So happy it's spring!

I've been taking pictures of all the new flowers and plants blooming in my yard.

We have three of these trees but this one gets the most flowers. It won't last but another couple days. It will last much longer here :)

Donuts

2011-05-06T10:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not feeling too well this morning. Just stomach issues which will pass soon, I'm sure. That didn't keep me from eating one of these donuts and then going back for another. I told myself it was so I could take a picture for the blog. Uh huh. But I will end up eating it.

I seriously have no will power. YUM DONUT is all I can think.

I'm a huge carb addict. Cake, cookies, chips, rice, potatoes in other forms... I crave that stuff. Reading about diets that are beneficial to PCOS (like atkins/southbeach) makes me die a little inside.

When I was first on glumetza my relationship with food seemed to change. I no longer craved carbs nearly as much and I liked fruit more. 4 or 5 months ago the annoying mail-order pharmacy I'm forced to use was out of my brand and auto-switched me to an extended release metformin. It's WAY cheaper but it seems like it's not working as well. I'm almost done with the current supply so I'm trying to switch back to glumetza.

I'm still in limbo but 99.999% sure I'm not pregnant, of course. I've been spotting off and on, REALLY lightly, for about a week now. I'm assuming I didn't O at all this past cycle and everything is screwed from that.

It just drives me freakin crazy to not have a normal cycle. Maybe I just need to lose more weight. I'm at approximately the same weight I was 15 years ago when I first started trying. Obviously it didn't work then and I only went up from there. Maybe another 30 lbs... boy that donut sure looks delicious...

Desperate Hope

2011-05-03T14:58:00.001-04:00

In the past 2 years...

I've started exercising regularly (though with some lapses...)

I've started eating healthier, smaller portions.

I've taken metformin/glutmetza for the past 1.5 years and I think it has helped a lot.

I've taken EPO regularly.

I've taken other vitamins regularly.

And, I've lost a good amount of weight.

My cycles slowly seem to be regulating. They are still much longer than average but a far cry from every 2-4 months like they were.

I'm so happy with all these things. I'm proud of myself.

Of course, I'd like to lose more weight. I want to continue to exercise regularly. I want to continue to make smart food choices for my body. But even so, there is a giant, positive difference between the me now and the me from 2 years ago. That's awesome.

BUT...

Does this increase my chance of getting pregnant?

I'm hoping so. Hoping too much, in fact.

I still have yet to ever detect an ovulation, either by temping (which I don't do anymore but am considering doing again) or by OPKs. However, I do track CM changes and have found a pattern of specific changes approximately 12-16 days before AF arrives.

It's been almost 15 years. I've never seen a positive test. Given those facts I'd say my chances are pretty damn slim.

But I'm healthier/weigh less now than I have in about 13 years. I've resisted it but maybe all these years the doctors I've seen were right. I was too fat to get pregnant. This can't be true in general - I've seen pregnant women and mothers much heavier than I have ever been - which is why I get so upset whenever I'm told that. Doctors love to preach weight loss. To an extent, sure, it's healthier to be closer to an average weight, but give me a break. I lost weight because that's what happened when I started exercising and eating better (and taking met), not because I was specifically trying to. I've never counted calories or limited myself to specific types of food.

Anyway, clearly I have some weight-directed thoughts that want to come out but that's not what this post is about really.

These beneficial changes I've made lead me to believing my chances at getting pregnant may have increased a significant amount. I can't help it. I know it's probably not true but I'm in crazy hope mode. I know I'm always setting myself up for big disappointment.

This cycle has been odd, I didn't really track a clear CM change but, if I ovulated, I think it was around 2 weeks ago. With every cycle I'm continually wishing and hoping that this could be the one.

I can forget about it for a little while but my mind keeps going back there. And when I think about it I feel desperate.

Please, please, please...

Just let this be it.

Mobile test 3

2011-04-13T22:24:00.001-04:00

Mobile test 2

2011-04-13T22:20:00.001-04:00

Testing a couple more pics... don't think there's a way to post multiple pics in the same post. Annoying.

Mobile test

2011-04-13T21:07:00.001-04:00

Just downloaded a mobile blogging app for my phone...

If it posts, the pic is one I took in a book store while chuckling to myself. Maybe I should have bought a copy ;)

Surprise Heart-Break

2011-04-02T01:07:00.003-04:00

I have this site in my reader. Often it is very funny. Sometimes shockingly funny. haha

Little did I know, today, while browsing some older posts, it would be the source of much more negative feelings.

Some people would think this was funny, even cute, or sweet. When I looked, I was stunned for a moment while I read the caption, and then I was completely heart-broken. For the aunt and for myself.

I'm referencing this picture.

I almost cried. Please let that not be me.

A Long Time

2011-03-19T23:28:00.002-04:00

as in... it's been one. A long time. It's been a long time since I've even looked at my blog.

I'm behind but I've still been reading blogs often. I just haven't been blogging myself. Apparently I can only juggle so many things and stay sane. I don't really even juggle a lot. It's sad, really. Stress management is what it's all about.

I told R today, when we were sitting at Red Robin eating an early dinner, that I haven't blogged because the next post to be written is the final installment of the half marathon recap and I just didn't want to write it. He said, "you are procrastinating your own hobby." It's true. That's weird. No clue why I haven't felt like writing the last installment. My apologies to anyone who was waiting to read it...

Right now I'm sitting on the couch, in my living room, next to R, and we are watching Oceans 11. Well actually, he is watching it. I'm writing this post and probably annoying him with clicking.

Now I'm going to go write a bit more of the final half marathon post. I'll finish it someday.

IBDW (Shameless Request for Comments!)

2011-01-05T14:55:00.003-05:00

Lots of posts today for IBDW - I've been commenting up a storm - so I'm curious to try on my blog too! Please say "Hi" in the comments if you are reading, even if you regularly comment anyway. More than just "Hi" is always welcome, of course. I love finding new blogs to read :)

And, I promise, the final installment of the half marathon recap is coming...

Two Years

2011-01-02T21:01:00.002-05:00

I've been blogging for two years today. I'm terrible at posting regularly but the fact that I still post at all is amazing. I have no plans to stop either.

I'm so happy to have found this community. Reading stories and comments from people who are going through similar things is so helpful and I love to offer support to others as well. If I end up having to accept a childless future, blogging will be a huge part of how I will come to terms with my situation. Reading about others' lives is really eye-opening.

I made rice krispie treats tonight on a whim - I'm going to go eat one now in a little blogoversary celebration :)

Happy 2011 everyone.

Half Marathon (part 2)

2010-12-29T15:30:00.006-05:00

So we finally got to the hotel after our long walk dragging our luggage.

After a quick bedbug check (anyone else creeped out by the possibility of those in hotels? Eww the thought sends shivers down my spine...), we relaxed a bit and started talking dinner.

We decided on the hotel buffet (called "More" haha). It was $30 for both of us and very good. So many different things to try. I'm the type of person who gets a tiny amount of every single thing that looks good. I was happily surprised at the inexpensive food in Vegas - I was expecting to spend much more.

After dinner we went right back to the room. The plan was a very early bedtime because the race was so early. Plus we were beat. With the time change, it was midnight EST by the time we turned out the lights.

We both had weird dreams about the race and we were up before our alarm, which was set for 5:30am Vegas-time. Breakfast for me was brown sugared oatmeal and some fresh fruit from a certain popular coffee place. The lines were crazy! At that hour, none of the buffets were open and everyone wanted to fuel up before the race. I also ate some nuts for some extra protein.

Back at the hotel room we finished eating and got ready to go. The race started at 7am but being in the second to last corral we were looking at more than a 30 min wait. The start and finish were at Mandalay Bay. We jogged over from our hotel, stretched a little (tough since there were so many people and no good places to sit on the ground), found our corral and waited.

This is me in my pink shirt, waiting in the corral :)

Our shoes with orange timing tags - I'm wearing capris, C is wearing long pants

The view ahead of us (looking south)

The view behind us to the last corral

We heard the tail end of the national anthem (the starting line was pretty far from us) and the race started but our corral didn't move. We were anxious to start.

Then I realized I really had to pee. Uh oh.

I tried to ignore it. All the corrals were lined up going south on the strip and curled around to the north side. While we waited we watched the runners, that had just started, going past us in the north lane. It was fun to watch all the different costumes. So many Elvis-es? Elvi? haha

I still really had to pee.

I decided the feeling was not just in my head and told C that I was going to run and find a porta-potty. Much hate for those (yuck) but it was necessary. C was worried but I was optimistic. I'll be back in time! By that time we were slowly moving forward toward the starting line. I ran as fast as I could, was in and out super fast, and back with C before she moved very far at all. Whew. I can't even explain how happy I was that I chose to go then. I would never have made it.

The purple banner is above the starting line - getting closer!

I was extremely excited at this point - almost there!!

And we're off! The sea of jogging heads in front of us

The guy above the G in the starting line pic above was the singer, dressed as a blues brother, in a band that was playing. There were bands scattered throughout the race but less than I thought there would be. It was still so much fun jogging up the strip. There were a lot of spectators and cheer leaders.We slowed down at the second or third water station for a quick drink and kept going. I had my garmin and I was keeping an eye on our pace to make sure I wouldn't totally burn myself out. My goal was to jog for half of the 13.1 miles and I REALLY wanted to do that.

Once we got past the actual strip and on to some of the side roads, there were a lot less people on the sidelines and it almost seemed like we were at the very end of the whole thing - kind of deserted. But, there were thousands of people behind us. We kept checking ;)

This is heading back south, you can see the stratosphere in the distance

MILE 8! We had not taken a walking break at all at this point!

This guy was at approximately 8.5 miles if I remember correctly

It was a little before this point that things started getting tough. My goal was to run for half, which is 6.55 miles. We had passed that by a long shot and were so amazed at ourselves already but we wanted to push on for as long as we could. It was getting difficult.

Part 3 coming soon!

Half Marathon (Part 1)

2010-12-29T11:56:00.011-05:00

I am glad I bought a crappy camera to bring with me (I would have felt terrible if I damaged or lost my good camera) but whoa boy, did I take some crappy pics. Posting them anyway - bad pics are better than no pics, right?

C and I had non-stop flights to and from Vegas. We got stuck sitting in a full 3-seat row both times which was a pain but we survived :) When we landed on 12/4, we took a shuttle right to the health and fitness expo to pick up our race packets.

red carpet into the expo

the line for our corral

The expo was interesting but was a lot more sparse than I imagined it. At least some of that was probably due to the fact that we were there at the tail end of it. We didn't stay long. On our pass-through we found stretchy belts with a zipper pocket to carry things while jogging. I bought one to carry the camera the next day and it worked well.

We thought about catching a taxi to our hotel (we were going from the venetian to the luxor) but decided not to. It was a lot longer of a walk than we realized. We had to cross the strip back and forth for construction areas and large crowds. Really it would have been fine but we both still had our luggage. I was soooo happy to finally see the hotel.

the view of the strip out our slanted window

This is taking me forever to post so stay tuned for part 2! :)

So Awesome

2010-12-16T09:55:00.003-05:00

We finished! We did much better than we ever thought we could and we completed it in a lot less time than we thought too :)

It was an awesome experience and I'm totally thinking about doing another one in the future. I have more pics and want to share more details but I've been annoyingly busy (with work, buying xmas gifts, housework, etc.) since I got back and the times I haven't been busy I just haven't felt like blogging.

Another post coming soon I hope!

(and I'm behind again - 285 posts in my reader - time for some more catch-up)

1 Day Left

2010-12-04T01:04:00.005-05:00

Whoa baby - 1 day until the half marathon on my ticker. I'm not nervous really but I am worried that I won't be able to do this. I'm freaked about not being able to finish or hurting myself trying.

I bought a new crappy camera (so I don't mind too much if it breaks, gets stolen, lost, etc.) to take on the actual run with us so I plan to have pics to show when I get back!

Speaking of pics, this is one I took on our last run with my new crappy camera. We do long runs at a local bike path and it looks so dreary now that winter is here. I know it's a pretty bad pic but I took it while I was actually running and I think the way it focused is interesting. Makes the path look neverending, which is how it feels a lot of the time :) haha

Our flight to Vegas takes off in 9.5 hours. I hope this turns out to be awesome.

Disappointing Last Run

2010-11-30T09:40:00.002-05:00

I think I'm in denial that I'm going to Vegas this weekend. It doesn't seem real.

This past weekend was our last long run and it was pretty disappointing. We were supposed to do 10 miles. We wanted to do more like 11 miles. We ended up doing about 8 miles. In two hours. Which is slow, even for us. And I forgot my garm.in at home so we had to guess at approximate mileage. Damnit! I was kicking myself.

C and I were both really tired. I wasn't in pain at all but I was beat. C's hip started hurting toward the end which sealed the deal.

I don't think we both ate well enough that day and the day before in order to have enough energy for a long run. C said she had hardly eaten anything earlier that day because she woke up really late and we left for our run around 2:30pm. I did make a point of eating a good amount that morning but I was sick the night before.

At around 3pm on Saturday I started getting this bizarre aching feeling in my... girl parts. It was annoying but I was trying to ignore it. Then about an hour later I got what felt like AF cramps but higher, to the left of my belly button, which came on in waves accompanied by intense back pain/cramping. It sucked. The worst of the pain I was crying through but it passed in minutes. It peaked about 4 times from ~4pm - 10pm that night and then lessened to a dull ache.

Apparently the appendix and gall bladder are on the right side, and I've been to the ER before (years ago) for weird pain like that and they weren't able to do anything for me except give me pain killers that made me throw up, so I decided there was no need to go. R is super supportive and caring when I'm sick. He took care of me.

Since I felt yucky most of the day, I barely ate anything, and I think that contributed to our crappy run the next day.

I'm feeling a bit better now but occasionally have twinges that worry me since I'd rather not feel pain again like I did on Saturday. I'm feeling a twinge, that may or may not be related, right now in fact.

Oy. This better not interfere with the half marathon trip this weekend.

----------------------------------------------

Thanksgiving went well, despite the fact that stress is at an all time high at work and I worked most of my 5 day vacation-that-was-only-a-vacation-in-so-far-as-I-didn't-have-to-drive-to-the-office.

We hosted dinner for 10 adults and a 1 year old. I cooked a 16+ pound turkey in Alton-Brown-brining-style, like I do almost every year. In addition to turkey and ham, we have all the "standard" stuff like mashed potatoes, candied yams, stuffing, *can*berry sauce (it's a must), cranberry salad, gravy, etc. There was way too much dessert, 3 pies and a cake that my MIL surprised us with (she was only supposed to bring the ham).

The 1 year old finger painted her food all over her section of our dining room table and my dog had a wonderful time cleaning up her mess on the floor and chair.

He wishes we had a baby, too.

Finally Caught Up

2010-11-22T14:29:00.002-05:00

After being so very far behind in reading blog posts in Oct (1000+ unread posts), I've finally caught up.

Seriously like 2 mins ago when I read the very last post queued in my reader. My reader currently says 0. Yay!

I'm sure I'll get behind again but it feels good to be caught up for the moment :)

I have a lot of blogs in my reader (225 actually) and earlier this year I categorized them all because of a question posed by a fellow blogger about how many blogs is too many to follow and comment on regularly.

My categories are:
Dormant (haven't posted in months or ended) - 40
No Comment (blogs I like to read but I very rarely or never comment on. Things like popular "mommy blogs", food or fitness blogs, humor blogs, etc.) - 75
Comment (blogs I sometimes comment on) - 47
New (blogs I've recently added to my reader and have not decided what category they should go into yet) - 25

The final category is for bloggers I feel I have a "connection" with. They read my blog (can be often or rarely) and/or "follow" me and I make a special effort to follow their blogs in detail and comment as often as possible. There are 38 in this category.

Does this sound bad? I hope not.

I do it this way so I can keep this crazy hobby manageable :) Some blogs I look at like a magazine - I read and am interested but I'm probably not going to write a letter to the editor. Some blogs I look at like a FB update from a long lost classmate - I might comment, I might not, it depends on the subject and how much time I have at the moment. And some blogs I look at like a phone call from a friend - I listen, try to understand, commiserate, cry with them, rejoice with them, and reply.

My categories are very dynamic. Blogs are moved around often due to adding subscriptions, moving abandoned blogs to "dormant", and connections with the individuals behind the blogs that I read changing. The connection doesn't have to be profound, sometimes it's even one-sided, but these are the blogs I reserve most of my time for.

When I have 1000+ unread blogs, it's so easy to quickly read the "no comment" blogs in a few minutes. It's very easy to skim and skip over posts that don't look interesting in this category. The posts that build up into gigantic piles are the ones that I want to spend my time reading and commenting on.

For anyone reading this: Do you have a system like this? How do you manage all the blogs you follow?

Progress

2010-11-19T21:54:00.002-05:00

"Sign up for a 5k, it will totally motivate you!"

I didn't believe this at all, even though I read it everywhere. When I signed up for my first 5k in the early spring it didn't serve to motivate me, it only stressed me out. I was sick for weeks leading up to it so that is definitely part of the reason but it really didn't motivate me.

I've proven myself wrong though. Being signed up for the half marathon has DEFINITELY motivated me to stay on my current training program. If I didn't sign up there would have been so many times in the last month that I'd have procrastinated or skipped running. There has only been 2 days that we haven't run (or run/walked) so far and that was because of specific events - one was Halloween weekend where we hosted a party for about 20 people on Saturday and then I went with C to our mom's house on Sunday. No long run for us that weekend but I did spend most of the entire Saturday standing and cooking and decorating and cleaning. :)

Anyway, we've been kicking ass and I still can't believe we are doing this. C is officially registered as well now. We have air and hotel booked. I received my race number and final instruction email. I'm in corral 31 - it's gonna be a long, chilly wait at the starting line!

We've found, to our surprise, that we can jog longer distances than we ever thought we could.

On Oct. 3rd we jogged 3.5 miles straight for the first time.
On Oct. 12th we jogged 4 miles straight for the first time.
On Oct. 17th we jogged 6 MILES straight!! We couldn't believe it. We still can't.

Since then we've gone up and down in our run mileage, sometimes walking part way, and we are still getting faster, little by little.

Here's one of our recent awesome (for us anyway!) runs:

11/17/10
Run Time: 1:08:05
Run Distance: 5.00 miles
Ave Pace: 13:36/mi

Mile 1: 13:30
Mile 2: 13:31
Mile 3: 13:55
Mile 4: 13:39
Mile 5: 13:28

Originally when I contemplated the half marathon I thought if we could run the first 3 miles and walk the rest we would still do pretty well. I didn't really see myself being able to run very much further than 3 miles. Now I know I can. Now I think we have a good shot at running the first HALF of the half marathon. Holy crap.

53 Outside, 35 Inside

2010-11-17T15:07:00.003-05:00

It's 53 degrees outside and very cloudy. I'm hoping it doesn't rain out my already-postponed-once 5 mile jog tonight.

Why is the AC on in my office when it's 53 degrees outside?? I can feel frigid air blowing on me. I'm currently wearing finger-less mittens and my jacket. Apparently the room I'm in by myself is in the same zone as the room next to me which houses about 8 people and all their computer equipment, meaning they have it turned DOWN. Holy balls I'm cold.

I can't believe I have 18 days left to the half marathon. I'm very excited and feel very unprepared all at the same time. Yikes.

Fertility Cure

2010-11-03T15:03:00.001-04:00

I'd almost feel better if this were our problem...

http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Fertility.htm

Officially Registered

2010-10-15T16:08:00.003-04:00

I did it.

I registered and paid the registration fee for the half marathon. Woo! I'm excited... and nervous that I've gotten myself into something I won't actually be able to handle.

It was raining yesterday so C and I skipped our training. Otherwise, we've been doing really well. Last weekend we did 5 miles and this weekend we'll be doing 6 (as always, running as far as we can and then walking). I look forward to the long ones so that I can convince myself that I will be able to do this.

C hasn't felt secure enough to register yet. She might tonight but now I'll be going with or without her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm down to under 500 unread posts! 421 as we speak...

I've gone "blog-rupt" on some blogs that I don't often comment on or newer ones I was just starting to read but the ones I am the most involved with, I just can't mark all posts as read. I'll skim and skip commenting as I have to and eventually get all caught up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really like all the weekly blog events I see everywhere, like "Perfect Moment Monday" and "Wordless Wednesday" etc., but I know myself well enough to not join in. I'd never keep up with it. A few weeks ago though I was sitting at a stop-light (yes, I was driving) and I noticed the most beautiful sky full of clouds I've ever seen. I'm happy I had enough time at the light to take a picture.

It really doesn't do the scene justice but it was amazing. Just sitting there looking at the sky made me happy to be alive.

1000+ Unread Posts

2010-10-11T12:48:00.002-04:00

Did you know that google reader only counts up to 1000 unread posts? Then it puts a little + after the 1000, rolls its eyes at you, and gives up.

I miss blogging - writing and reading - but I had to give it up for a while. I think it was contributing to my stress.

Things are getting better. I don't feel so out of control at work anymore and my stress levels are definitely down.

About 2 weeks before my vacation I had a major wake-up call at work when I had to start working like crazy on a matter that was incredibly busy. One day in particular I worked for ~17 hours. That sounds like it would increase stress, and it did, but it also kicked my ass and got me back in the swing of things. Then R and I both took the last week in Sept off and really had a great vacation. I still don't like work, but I feel like I'm dealing with it better now.

C and I are currently on week 5 of our 12 week training program for the half marathon. I still really want to do it and am getting excited but I'm also intimidated by the 13.1 miles and by the price for what amounts to a 3 day "vacation". If I sign up by 10/15 I'll get $10 off the registration fee and they'll enter you in a contest to win free hotel nights and show tickets. Now THAT would be awesome :)

So, I'd love to catch up on all my unread posts but I don't think that's going to happen. I am trying though. Don't be surprised if you get some extremely late comments from me.

This & That, but Mostly Running (Sorry!)

2010-09-10T09:11:00.006-04:00

- I am starting to get more serious about the half marathon. Was even brave enough and excited enough to put up a ticker :) I think we can do it. I'm positive it would be a lot of fun and a great accomplishment.

- We begin the training plan this Monday, the 13th. I'm pretty intimidated because the plan has exercise 6 days a week, with only Friday as a true rest-and-do-nothing day. Really, the fact that I exercise 2 to 3 times a week is a flippin miracle. Not sure how I'm gonna do 6. The plan's structure already fits well into our schedules so we don't have to tweak days which is good.

- We've done 4 3-mile jogs now and I am still amazed each time we finish. I seriously can't believe I can jog for 1 mile, never mind 3. On Labor Day we jogged a 5k (just C and I, not a race) and finished in about (I don't have my garmin with me for actual time) 43 mins. Big difference from my 5k time in May!

- Tomorrow (9/11) we are planning a long walk. I'm not sure how many miles we'll do but we want to do more than 5 so we can see how it goes. I need to figure out where we'll be walking.

- I'm contemplating weekly log type updates during the training, though I should know better than to make blogging commitments. I almost always fail at those.

- Bracelet update coming soon! (hah what did I just say about blogging commitments?) If you don't know what I'm talking about, please read this post. The offer still stands if you'd like one.

- I suspect the first of you will be receiving bracelets sometime next week. I have a handful made and will be making more this weekend. Right now I'm really experimenting with different styles of the bracelet itself and different ways to attach the charms and clasps. Each one I've made so far is different. So, it's slow going while I get the hang of everything. Once I figure out the best ways, it should go much faster.

- R and I are taking a vacation week at the end of this month and I can't wait! We aren't going away but at the beginning of our week off we are going to NYC to see this show and go out to dinner here. It should be a fun night.

- I found a local 5k for C and I to do on 9/26 but it's the day after our NYC trip and we won't be getting home until about 3am. I'm not so sure it's smart to commit to a 5k after such a late night. The actual 5k isn't until 1pm so I'm still leaning toward doing it though. I'm quite excited about being able to run the whole thing if we do :)

- It's kind of weird that I consider myself an infertility blogger but I don't blog about IF much at all. Right now my life is all about trying to ignore IF and focus on other things so I guess that's why. But still weird.

- I made one of my favorite fall dishes (not actually a "fall" dish but I consider it one because that's when I usually make it) last night and brought it for lunch today. I made it meatless - didn't feel like chopping and cooking chicken - and it's just as good. More of a side dish than a main dish though without the chicken. I have that and a bagel and I'm looking forward to lunch right now way more than is healthy. Woo! Brown rice salad!

- Yesterday I noticed the first of the leaves around my house turning colors. I love this time of year but I'm trying not to think about those dreary winter months (Jan/Feb/March) that are just around the corner.

- Hmmm bullet point type posts are much easier to write...

5k Recap (Finally!) and New, Slightly Crazy Goal

2010-08-30T10:58:00.007-04:00

Venus in our jogging sky
I only jog outside and usually at night. The common time C (my sister) and I have on the week days is after work. Dinner gets in the way. If I eat after jogging, I can go at around 7 or 7:30. If I eat before jogging we don't go until after 8pm. Either way, the sun is just about to set or has already gone down. My neighborhood happens to have a great view of the western sky so we get some amazing pink/purple/orange sunsets. Venus has been watching us jog for a while now. It's really beautiful.

C and I are doing this 5k training plan right now and just finished week 7 yesterday. We've been pretty bad at keeping to the schedule but have gone out about 2 times a week for the last 6 weeks. We were struggling and procrastinating at first but really did well this past week.

Tuesday we did 2 miles and walked the final mile.
Thursday we jogged the 2 miles.

Saturday we jogged THE ENTIRE 3 MILES!!

I'm shocked. This is the furthest we've ever gone. It took us 42 mins, so still really slow, but we jogged the entire time, no walking breaks.

8/28/10
Run Time: 42:01
Run Distance: 3.04 miles
Ave Pace: 13:49/mi

~~~~~~<<<<>>>>~~~~~~
On May 20th, I ~~ran~~ walked a 5k (actually 3.5 miles), my first "race" ever. I'm not sure why but I haven't really known what to say about it.

It went pretty well. I had fun. I actually enjoyed doing it. I want to, and probably will, do another.

It also brought disappointment and frustration though.

I had big plans to build up to jogging at least 3 of the 3.5 miles. C and I were doing well and had gotten to a straight 2.5 miles, slowly, but jogging the entire way. Then we fell off the wagon. Mostly because I got sick with something that left me coughing for weeks. I was still coughing until halfway through my cruise, which was after the 5k (one afternoon on the cruise I realized I hadn't coughed at all and was sooo happy).

I knew with the coughing thing that I couldn't jog so I took a lot of time off from exercise and went for walks right before the 5k. By the time May 20th came around it had been more than 3 weeks since I had jogged at all.

The crowds at the 5k were amazing. It was packed shoulder to shoulder at the starting line-up, which was mildly unpleasant, but I'm ok with large crowds so it didn't bother me much. Since the pack was so large, it took forever to get to a place where you could move around enough to jog. This was actually a blessing since the first bit of the route was uphill ;) After about 15-20 minutes the crowd thinned down enough to move around a bit. I jogged for maybe 1 mile of the whole thing, if that. I was just so winded (and still coughing a bit).

5/20/10 (5k day)
Run Time: 53:24
Run Distance: 3.54 miles
Ave Pace: 15:06/mi

So yeah, I was disappointed. Not at the finish time specifically but because I couldn't jog for most of it like I had planned. It is a good time to try to beat for my next race I guess! :)

~~~~~~<<<<>>>>~~~~~~
That brings me to my current goal.

In March of '09 I asked myself if it was possible to become a "runner" (this post). I think I succeeded. I might not technically be a real "runner" but I'd say the ability to jog for 3 miles without stopping, however slowly, qualifies me as a jogger. This is something I never ever thought I'd be able to do.

Now I'm asking myself if it's possible for me - a kind of, half-assed jogger - to run/walk a half marathon.

13.1 miles

I read about a half in Las Vegas on December 5th and I'm seriously considering doing it. The main thing that attracted me to this one is that it's walker-friendly, as long as you can finish the half in 4 hours or less. (and I'd love to go to Vegas again! I haven't been in 10+ years.)

C and I are planning to do this novice training plan next. We don't expect to jog the entire 13.1 miles and will walk any part of the training runs that we need to in order to finish the required mileage.

But...

Can we really walk 13 miles??

Sometimes I think, "if we can jog for 3 miles, then jogging/walking 13 is definitely doable." Other times I think, "jill, wtf. 13 MILES! What are you thinking?!"

We have 14 weeks to train.

It's definitely possible... but, can we really do it?

Infertility's Common Thread

2010-08-18T15:47:00.009-04:00

About a year ago, when I first explored The Stirrup Queens blog, I came across "Infertility's Common Thread" (linked down there on my side bar, too). I thought this was a great idea! More than a great idea - a wonderful!, awesome!, amazing idea!! If you haven't read about it, please click over. Basically it's a sign for people in the ALI community to recognize each other. See that pregnant belly over there? Check her wrist, you might actually get to shelve the bitterness for a minute and feel a small bond and happiness for the woman behind the belly. (I know that sounds bad but I also know that people who read this blog know how I feel.)

For about a year now I've been wanting to go to the craft store and pick up embroidery thread #814 and tie a string around my wrist. Every time I would go to a store that carried it, I would realize I forgot to write down the number and would always leave empty handed.

Recently, I got the idea of making a thin friendship bracelet (remember making those? I made them when I was younger and my sister still makes and gives them to me) out of the thread and wearing that instead. My day dreaming creative side went a little wild (for me anyway haha) and I thought that maybe I could add a clasp so it could be removable if needed.

Well, I was motivated to actually note down #814 AND get to the craft store this past weekend! :)

This is what I came up with for my first try.
I'm wearing it right now.
I'd love it if everyone in this community would wear this thread on their right wrist. Maybe a little "Infertility's Common Thread" revival?

And, because I know that as common as this thread is, it's not always the top of every one's mind to go out and get it, I'd like to help.

If you'd like to wear one, I'd like to make one for you*. Please leave me a comment and/or email me at ayariaATgmailDOTcom.

*Keep in mind that I'd need to mail it to you. While I've never mailed anything out of the US before, I'm more than willing to try. Also, I'm not selling them or asking for money from anyone.

Personal Relaxation Scene

2010-08-13T17:43:00.004-04:00

Therapy is going alright. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable talking to someone about my life now, after the third visit. Besides just getting to know me and my past, she is working on giving me ways to control my stress. Deep breathing is one of them. Meditation is another. My current homework is to write a detailed description of a "personal relaxation scene".

I have a few places I'd categorize like this. Anywhere where I can sit, look at, and hear the ocean would definitely be one of them. Another is in the woods near streams or rivers. I really like water apparently.

My dog absolutely LOVES water. He isn't comfortable in deep water but only because he didn't grow up with a body of water to learn in. Whenever we get close to water he needs to wade, to splash, to drink, to frolic. It's so cute and it is one of my favorite things to watch.

The following pics are of one of my perfect, relaxing places - my dog being there just makes it even better :)

On our way there in the car

Walking to our favorite spot

The perfect spot, looking upstream

When the water is low, I tip-toe out on exposed rocks and sit on the big rock. Bliss.

Each time he wants to shake the water off, he has to get as close to me as possible. Share the fun!

Looking downstream through the trees

He picks up his paw and purposely splashes so he can snap at the resulting water droplets

He and I could stay here all day...

(that's his doggie friend that happened to go with us that day)

Dad

2010-08-06T21:30:00.003-04:00

My dad died 9 years ago yesterday.

I wrote about him and his death last year.

C and I did not take the day off again but she did bake congo bars last night and I ate one this morning in his honor. Thanks, Dad.

I don't really assign more sadness to August 5th than any other day but it's kind of nice to have a specific day to write about him every year.

Since he was a baker, my family never bought regular bread. We always had fresh baked bread that he would bring home from the bakery he worked at. The most common was his version of a Portuguese white bread. Because of him I love artisan breads and dislike store bought squishy bread (down with the "wonder bread" type loaves!).

One morning I went out to my car to go to work and found a loaf of that bread on my windshield. I lived just down the street from he and my mom at the time and I knew it was from him. I was going through a tough time (I'm not sure he even knew that) and it meant so much to me to find that bread there. Like a heartfelt hug that feels warm and safe. I will never forget it.

Thank You

2010-08-03T01:02:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you that left me wonderful comments on my last few posts - and my last post especially.

Someone who doesn't blog and/or has never known people only online might not believe it but your words and the fact that you're willing to come read about my life and share thoughts/advice/experiences really help. A lot.

I get caught up a lot of the time in feeling alone. Like I might be the only one to have these negative feelings. But I'm not. They are common and I just need to learn how to deal with them. Hopefully talking to the therapist will help me learn to do just that.

I seriously did not even think about others also having such a hard time sharing feelings. I mean, I know that logically it makes sense that others feel that way, but it just never occurred to me. Reading your comments helped me to see that I'm not the only one.

One comment even made me realize that one of the reasons I feel so negatively about sharing is that I'm afraid of what the therapist will think of me. I really don't want people to think I'm "crazy", selfish, bitchy, etc. I suppose I need to get over that - and I'm considering bringing it up to her at the next appt.

All of you are so sweet and supportive and I just can't say enough that I appreciate each and every comment. They made me feel a lot better in general and better about continuing to go to therapy.

Thank you Thank you Thank you <3

Odd Feelings

2010-07-29T13:34:00.003-04:00

My first therapy (counseling? not really sure what to call it) appt yesterday went ok. As soon as I went in and she started talking I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. weird. I managed to eek out a little "i'm really nervous" and then composed myself.

We talked about my general reason for being there and I only cried when I told her I'm infertile. A held-in cry that I couldn't talk through. But I managed to compose myself quickly again and go on.

She already mentioned medication and I'm not sure how I feel about that. That's actually the reason I mentioned the infertility, since anything I take would obviously need to be pregnancy-friendly. However slim that chance is, there's still a chance, and I would feel horrible if I thought I screwed things up. But, medication in general is not something I'm really on board with right now. I told her I'd like to stick with just counseling for a while and maybe I'd be willing to consider it later if no progress was being made.

She told me she thinks I'm dealing with depression. I feel the same about this statement as I do about my PCOS dx. There are tons of symptoms of both, I have some and I don't have others, and it's just such a subjective thing. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I'm hoping that continuing to talk to her will allow me to deal with the moods that I'm not able to control right now. If I feel like crap, am frustrated and/or stressed, or feel like everything is bad/wrong, I just can't get over it. Only time helps. I want to be able to just turn it off when I feel like that.

My next appt is Wed the 4th and I do plan on continuing.

However......

I'm kind of hesitant to go back. Maybe I shouldn't be going at all. I feel like I'm being selfish by talking to someone about myself. I feel like it's unreasonable to expect someone else to help me with this. We're talking about my feelings here, not a broken bone. I should be able to just pull it all together and cut this shit out. I'm embarrassed by things I told her and by things I will probably be telling her. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of her. I'm embarrassed to have even gone at all*.

I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's definitely a negative feeling and it isn't resulting from liking or disliking the therapist.

I don't normally talk to people about my problems/feelings. I have no close friends I talk to on a regular basis about things that are happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I complain and vent and cry and complain (what? I already said that?) to R ALL THE TIME. Probably way too much. But he is it. He's the only one. I sometimes tell my sister (C) things that annoy me and vent about work but it's all superficial stuff. She knows about my infertility but only because she knows I really want to get pregnant but can't. I don't go into details. I can't remember a time when I ever cried in front of her. She's 9 years younger than me - I don't want her to worry and I don't want to force her to hear things she doesn't want to hear.

My other family members know almost nothing of the emotional side of my life. I only talk about the very basic stuff (I moved, I bought a new car, have a new job, got a promotion, etc). This includes both my mom and dad. I keep almost everything from everyone except R... and this blog I guess. I wonder if my mom and dad would both be shocked to read this blog, and not because I have ever said anything bad about them.

Keeping everything from everyone is pretty lonely sometimes. I don't really do it on purpose but I guess now I know why I do it. Because sharing feels wrong and bad. I thought it would be nice for me to be able to talk to the therapist but it's not so far.

*Please know that I do not judge others for going to counseling. I don't think it's stupid or that the people who go are somehow wrong to go. The negativeness relates to me and dealing with my own feelings.

Where is #4?

2010-07-26T16:00:00.001-04:00

I stole this from Sweet Pea :) I figured I'd keep her title 'cause I think it's cute. If anyone would like to steal it from me, feel free. Tell me in the comments if you do so I can read your answers.

1) If you could live in any country but the USA, where would you live?
Wow, it's hard to say since I've never been out of the country except to Canada when I was young and briefly to Mexico on a cruise 6 years ago. (I wouldn't want to move to Canada or Mexico ;)) I think I'd have to visit a bunch of places and check them all out first. Without having visited though, Ireland seems like it would be beautiful and laid-back and have an "out in the country" type feeling. Ireland, in a house overlooking the ocean :)

2) Why did you title your blog "All Aboard the Pity Boat"?
I actually explained this briefly in my very first post.

"The phrase "pity boat" is something I used to use when I was in highschool and I was feeling bad about myself. No matter what it was, too fat, bad hair, friend problems, boyfriend problems, school problems, parental problems, or even just a general feeling of blah, I'd use it to describe how I was feeling and to joke about it with my friend. "All aboard the pity boat! wooo woooo" and off I would go in my complaining.

Now-a-days I think I "board the pity boat" a lot less often but I still think of it every now and then. If I'm being really hard on myself about something or other I'll think of it and smile. So, while it sounds like a really negative title, it's not so very negative to me."

Funny enough, I think I've regressed in my pity-boating. I find myself boarding the pity boat a lot more often now than back when I wrote that post. "All Aboard the Pity Boat" also goes well with my love of water and the ocean so I evolved it into my blog theme.

3) How many "in real life" people know about your blog?
R (my husband) knows about it but doesn't read. Two old friends of mine (and possibly their daughter) know about it but I think only one of them reads. (love ya, Heather!) That's it. I've debated telling my sisters about it but have decided not to so far.

5) What kind of clothes do you wear?
I wear all different kinds of clothes and I don't stick to particular brands. However, when I got my current job, it was a lot more business-y dress than I was used to so I had to seek out more professional clothes. I started shopping at Lan.e Br.yant and was very happy with the fit of their clothes. Some of their stuff is cheaply made (and it's pretty expensive which is annoying) but I like it enough to keep going back (with coupons!)

6) What are you having for dinner tonight?
Ugh, the age-old question. I seriously hate that question and it's a source of stress for R and I. As weird as that sounds. I'm not a good planner when it comes to meals and we rarely know in advance what we will have.

However, tonight I have a plan! (Amazing, I know.) I have leftover chicken and leftover peas to use so I'm going to try and make this. I'm planning to use croissant dough-from-a-can though, instead of making the biscuits from scratch, to save a little time.

7) Where do you "blog"?
From my work laptop, where ever it happens to be. Mostly I blog from my office at work but if I blog from home it could be on the living room couch, at the dining room table, in our basement office, or just about anywhere.

8) Do you like to cook?
I love to cook and bake but I am a sloooooow. I feel like I don't have time to plan meals, shop, and cook properly so I end up very rarely cooking. If I was a stay-at-home-wife that is one of the things I would go crazy with!

9) What's your beverage of choice at night?
Water. I very rarely drink anything else, though I do sneak sips of R's beverages (soda, seltzer, lemonade, hard cider, etc) often.

10) What would you most like to know about your fellow bloggers who read this?
I'm curious to know if you actually read these question-answer things on blogs or if you skip over them ;) For me it depends. If I see some interesting questions or I'm heavily involved in the blog, I'll usually read them.

"Everyone hates their jobs..."

2010-07-21T15:25:00.003-04:00

I successfully avoided the baby party thing for my coworker yesterday. I kind of feel bad that I didn't go but I just couldn't have handled it.

The therapist didn't call me back yesterday, so I was all ready to start looking for others today, but then she called me this morning. I have an appt at 9am on Wednesday and I'm nervous. Nervous that I really have no reason to be going. Nervous that she'll tell me I'm just being a big baby and that I need to suck it up and just deal. Nervous that she won't actually say that but she'll think it. Nervous that I won't know what to say... Oh it just goes on and on.

And - I'd just like to say that my insurance sucks. I have to meet a deductible before they'll pay for therapy sessions at all so this first one will be a nice $120. She said to me, "Did you still want to make an appt?" after she told me about the cost. I said, "Well, yes. I don't really have any other choice." I suppose I have another choice. I could just suck it up and deal with life. *sigh*

I'm thinking about a career change. Maybe an internal move within my company but there are limited departments I could move to and I have no idea if things would be any better. I'm also thinking about going back to school. I enjoy school (learning new things, going to labs and lectures) but I absolutely hate tests and projects. My procrastinating nature makes those aspects incredibly stressful. Maybe going back to school isn't the best idea but right now I'm floundering around trying to come up with things to make my life better.

People keep telling me "everyone hates their jobs". That can't be true, can it? Someone out there must enjoy doing what they do for a living. I mean, I understand there are always bad things to deal with - some people suck to deal with, some days you just dread getting up and leaving the house, sometimes you have to do things for work you'd rather not do - but overall, is it unrealistic to think there might be something out there that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes (or someone else's...) out with a spoon? Because there is no aspect of my job that I enjoy doing and I'm not at all interested in the topics that my job deals with. I'm only at this job for the money and benefits and the big benefit of working at the same place as R.

If I could only smack my 18 year old self across the face and tell her that she needs to think in terms of a career sooner rather than later. Something in a science related field because that is where my interests lie.

This Doesn't Help

2010-07-19T14:09:00.002-04:00

Just received this email invite:

In a last-ditch effort to celebrate BEFORE HappyCoworker has the baby, I'd like to invite you all to an informal get-together tomorrow afternoon in the conference room. I have a card at my desk which you can come by and sign, and will plan to get a giftcard from all of us if you'd like to donate. She is also registered at Ta.rget, if you'd prefer to pick something out. Gifts/donations are completely optional, but it would be great if you could stop by and offer good wishes. Please extend the invite to anyone you can think of that would be interested.

Ugh.

HappyCoworker was discussed in this post and she is due any day now. She is the one I described as a belly-rubber and I've tried my best to avoid her in order to not find out if she really is a belly-rubber or not. I always stare at her head when talking to her because I can't bear to look down.

I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow so I have an excuse not to go but I really should go to work. I think I'll be pretending to be on a conference call at 1pm tomorrow... Should I even sign the card? I probably should but I feel like a hypocrite or something. Of course that would assume that I can even bring myself to look at the card.

Ya know what really sucks about all this too? I love shopping for and buying baby items. I would love nothing more than to go to Targ.et and get something off her registry but ugh, giving it to her would be heartbreaking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In general I'm feeling a bit better. I had an ok weekend since I totally ignored work the whole time. I managed to clean out and organize my basement (with R's help) which made me happy.

However, as Sunday night went on I started feeling panicky thinking about going to work this morning. I had to concentrate with all my might in order to stay relaxed and normal as the night went on. This morning was tough and now, at work, all I can do is sit here and think about going home.

No one ever called me back last week from the doctor's office (for the therapist). I finally called on Friday and basically begged them to call me back. Today during lunch my phone started ringing and I knew it was that office. The woman left me a voicemail saying she's sorry no one called me back, she doesn't know what happened, and that whoever is taking new patients will call me back this week. More waiting. She did mention that maybe I should call my insurance and find another place to go to if I want a sooner appt. (great advice lady, thanks) It's crazy how hard finding a therapist is proving to be.

Messed Up

2010-07-14T16:55:00.003-04:00

I'm in a bad place right now.

Everything is a mess... but it's all in my mind. I know in reality everything is fine but I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

There is so much I want to write about but the writing never happens. I only think about it. There is so much I want to do but I never do it. I only think about it.

I am so unhappy at my job right now that I want to scream. And I do sometimes even though it doesn't make me feel better.

I feel like I'm stressed all the time.

I'm waiting for a therapist to call me back. Hopefully today. I haven't seen one for more than 10 years (not counting my brief experience with marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage). Maybe it will help.

I feel like I need to schedule my life down to the minute and be forced to stick to the schedule at gunpoint. But there is no one around with a gun and I never actually write up a schedule.

Night is the worst. I'm dead tired (so tired most of the time) but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll fall asleep and it'll all happen again the next day. So I stay up late and miss out on time with R and make myself even more tired.

R is trying his best to help me. I feel so sorry for him - I know I'm making things tough and stressing him out. He thinks I'm dealing with anxiety. I really have no idea.

If I ignore everything I'm ok, even happy. I can watch TV or a movie with R or my sister or go out to eat or read blogs and I feel fine. But as soon as I try to deal with real life - mostly working but other normal life things as well - I fall apart.

I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.

Tsunami

2010-06-12T21:23:00.004-04:00

I love watching documentaries on nature, the earth, natural phenomenons, etc. Especially ones on the ocean and the life within it. Recently I watched a special on a tsunami that hit Thailand. It was fascinating.

It was a beautiful day, the waves lapping onto the beach, and then receding, over and over. The next wave came up but didn't recede. It kept coming further and further onto land. It was very calm - the water just kept surging forward, going around buildings and trees and cars, and into resort pools.

Then the water started receding... and receding, further and further. Much further than the normal tide was minutes before. The beach was extended by what seemed like hundreds of feet. The tsunami was pulling all the water out into the giant surge that was about to hit. The first surge was like a warning. A warning of the enormous amount of water that was about to crash onto land and do massive damage.

-------------------------------------------
I know this is bizarre but I thought of all this tsunami stuff because of the crazy AF I'm having. Day 1 was the first little surge, the warning. Then it tapered off to nothing at all. Yesterday afternoon the tsunami hit.

Ugh. I haven't cramped this badly or had an AF this heavy for years and years. It's annoying and of course, disappointing (down with hope! down with hope!). Last night I was suffering through wave after wave and started day dreaming that I was someone on that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show and about to give birth.

But, it might be a good sign.

Maybe the medicine I've been taking and the lifestyle changes I've been making and the weight I've been losing is making a difference. Maybe this is a start to a future of more regular cycles. Maybe even *gasp* ovulatory ones...

Fake Out

2010-06-11T10:10:00.003-04:00

Yikes I really need to get that last post with the giant yellow... whatever off from the very top :)

Yesterday I woke up to CD1. Annoying and mildly depressing but I was actually excited. My last cycle was only 36 days! In the past two years I have only gone below 40-something ONCE (a 38 day-er) and that was ~1.5 years ago. 36 is seriously awesome for me.

Something else interesting about yesterday was the cramping. I NEVER cramp. When I was on BCPs I used to get horrendous cramps but off BCPs, nothing. I felt them all day long and they got worse enough at night to actually take a couple ibu. I thought, ugh, I'm really in for a heavy one this time...

Um, apparently not. By bedtime I was barely spotting and this morning, nothing.

Maybe it's just taking its sweet time but with the cramping, it's so odd.

And you know what all this oddness does, right? You know what I'm about to say? Ok well, I won't say it. But just for the record. Hope, you're a fuckin bitch.

---------------------------------------

In other news, I'm down to 13 posts in my reader! Yay :) I am finally able to comment regularly again. I just need to get all caught up with work (oh I have a LONG way to go) and I'll be much less stressed.

This past Tue my boss called me and said, "How busy are you?" Oh gah. This is never good. Well it turns out she wants me to help out on a few matters with coworkers that I've never worked with before and I'll need to go up to our NYC office to train with them. "Can you come out tomorrow for the rest of the week?" ... Seriously?? Am I the only one who thinks less than one day's notice is total BS? Maybe if I was a single, career-minded person I would be at their beck and call but damn, I have a life outside of work, ya know. It's just really infuriating when they pull this crap. It should be enough that people in my dept are on call basically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. R was none too pleased either which only serves to stress me out further. I feel bad for him - work is a crazy hell-hole for him lately and my travel needs were only serving to make things worse.

I compromised with my boss and am set to go to NYC this Mon and come back on Tue night. Still short notice but I really shouldn't just say no if I want to remain in good standing here. (I hope I don't get too far behind in blogging while I'm gone! haha)

---------------------------------------

Hmm the cramping seems to be coming back now...

100th/101st Post

2010-06-07T17:21:00.004-04:00

Hah! I just realized that the last post was my 100th. This blog is almost 1.5 years old which just solidifies my lazy-blogger persona. Ah well :)

I should really write about the 5k but I don't feel like it. Let's see if I have any pics to share...

Bet no one can guess what this is.

It's not very exciting (just bizarre) so I won't keep you guessing. This picture is of a sculpture that was right outside the building I work in. Like most major downtown areas that I've been to, there is random art scattered around and someone must have thought this was a great work of art (!?). I used to pass it every day and it was the weirdest thing. Having my mind in the gutter most of the time didn't help with sculpture interpretation.

Bloggy Redesign and Pic of Me (sort-of)

2010-06-04T15:11:00.004-04:00

I have 289 posts in my reader (way down from over 600 when I got back) and I'm still trying to catch up.

While reading some old posts I found this one from a very sweet and helpful blogger and was intrigued. I gave it a try and, even though it's still very cookie-cutter, I think the new layout came out well :) I'm guilty of reading most posts from my reader and not clicking over to the blog but I love to see new blog designs. If you are the same way, this is just a note to click over and see my ocean...

I also updated my profile pic and am posting it here as well. It's another cruise pic - I'm standing out on our balcony taking weird pics of scenery and myself. Yeah, my head is cut off but I think this is the most brave I'm going to get on this blog.

I've been thinking about how best to post about the vacation and I think I'll have to do it in installments so as not to overwhelm. We took over 600 pics (haha) and there's a lot to tell/show. I've already thought up my first post so I'll be posting that when I get back from the wedding (hopefully).

There will be lots of cookie baking going on at my house tonight. We are doing a version of a "cookie table" for favors at the wedding but instead of letting guests pack their own, we've made decorative containers and I will be baking, filling containers, and wrapping tonight. (Luckily, it's a very small wedding!)

Back from Vacation

2010-06-02T15:52:00.002-04:00

It was so beautiful.

I want to go back.

Tons more pics to come and also talk about the 5K that happened right before I left but I'm trying (and failing) to get back in the work groove and my sister's wedding is this Saturday. I'm busy making/planning her wedding favors, we have manicure appts on Thurs, and I'm picking up cookies for the favors on Friday. Oh and I'm really second guessing my dress for the occasion. Oy.

Crazy Stressed

2010-05-10T08:48:00.006-04:00

I feel crazy and uncontrollably stressed.

The 5k is in 10 days and I'm so nervous about it. To make matters worse, I've been sick for more than a week now (tail end of it now and I'm so very tired of coughing) and we have not gone running this entire time. I don't even remember when the last time that we went was. I'm planning to get out there at least 3 - 5 times before the 20th but I totally don't feel prepared. I don't know the course at all which makes me feel even less in control. One of the organizers told me that they were going to have a couple practice runs but apparently they didn't bother to include me since I haven't heard anything more about it. Thanks for the song recommendations, I appreciate them :) I still can't decide if I should wear headphones though. I've had recommendations against them and technically they are against the rules (but others on our team are wearing them). I'm just not sure what to do...

I'm very behind at work and not sure how I'm ever going to catch up enough to lessen my stress. Blogging right now is not helping but at least it's one thing I can check off my list today.

Being stressed really sucks because I should be getting excited. In a little less than 2 weeks we are leaving for Seattle, WA to go on an Alaskan cruise for our 5 year anniversary. I absolutely can not wait to see the ocean! If I can push the 5k and work out of my mind, I'm so very happy at the thought of this vacation. Although I prefer warm, tropical places, I love to travel and see new things. I think it will be beautiful and honestly, I love the ocean so much I would be giddy for a cruise to just about anywhere.

Ugh I really REALLY need to get caught up with work in the next 12 days so that I can be completely stress-free and relax and enjoy this vacation as much as possible. I've been on one other cruise, 6 years ago, (Caribbean) and I loved it so much. An Alaskan cruise has been a dream of mine for a long time.

The wood floors came out great. We love them. I lost my thumb drive with all my pics - hopefully it's just lost in my house somewhere - so I haven't been able to post pics in a while. I'm sad because I had a lot of stuff I was planning to post on that drive. But, since the floors are more recent, I do have before/after shots to share!

Living room before

Living room after (shoes on rug to hold edges down)

Dining room before (pile of flooring in boxes)

Dining room after

And my favorite change: Hallway before (I HATED that runner)

Hallway after (yay!) - spare wood slats on rug to uncurl it

The pics are all in various stages of furniture moving but you can get the idea. The old wall-to-wall carpeting was from the previous owner, stained, and dirty-looking, and I'm so glad it's gone!

Quickie

2010-05-03T10:52:00.003-04:00

This posting more often thing is not going as I envisioned...

I now have 766 new posts in my reader (ugh.)

We are having wood floors installed in our living room/dining room this morning. I took before pics and plan on posting before/after shots. Should be a big difference, I'm excited.

We spent the weekend emptying the contents of the rooms into our garage. Not too hard, we don't have a ton of stuff. But I couldn't lift the bigger of the two couches so we had to call over one of R's coworkers to help with that one piece.

I think I couldn't lift the couch because I've been slowly getting sick since saturday morning. Tickle deep in my throat. Not painful at all, just a tickle and a dry sensation when swallowing. Biggest symptom is a cough. I made a doctor's appt for later today but now I feel silly. It's probably just something that needs to run its course.

I haven't gone running in more than a week and I keep having nightmares about the 5k. Yikes.

Not a Quick Post (ICLW and Running Update)

2010-04-22T11:07:00.005-04:00

Happy ICLW everyone :) I'm going to be horrible this month, ugh. My priorities are all messed up, work is crazy, and blogging is taking a back-seat at the moment. Will definitely do my best though. If you want to know more about me and what I'm talking about, scroll down to the end of the post when you see asterisks.

Running* update!
Note: we** are working on distance, adding .1 mile about every week. Our speed seems to be sticking right around the high 13's / low 14's so, even though we're still super slow, I'm proud of what we're accomplishing.

3/23/10
Run time: 32:48
Run Distance: 2.31 miles
Ave Pace: 14:14/mi
(100 crunches)

3/29/10
Run time: 32:39
Run Distance: 2.30 miles
Ave Pace: 14:12/mi

4/01/10
Run time: 33:44
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 13:58/mi

4/03/10
Run time: 33:35
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 13:58/mi

4/05/10
Run time: 34:25
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 14:16/mi

4/13/10
Run time: 35:48
Run Distance: 2.50 miles
Ave Pace: 14:19/mi

4/18/10
Run time: 34:48
Run Distance: 2.50 miles
Ave Pace: 13:55/mi

4/20/10
Run time: 35:33
Run Distance: 2.52 miles
Ave Pace: 14:06/mi

We've finally gotten up the courage to branch out of our normal loops and into neighboring areas. 4/18 was our first time in the new area and included our first slight hill. It had a lot of downhill as well, which is why our pace was so good that day. The next run (4/20) was around the same area but included two more small, but longer hills, which our pace clearly shows. We were so tired after that last run.

I've been continuing with crunches almost every time we go - usually ~110. Things are generally going great in the (lack of) pain dept. No shin or knee pain at all. My left hamstring (? area from my lower butt cheek to the back of my knee) has been hurting lately. It's really tight after I run and I've been trying to stretch it out well, and often. It has gotten better in the past few days. The arch of my left foot is still hurting too. That started earlier this year before I even started running again so I don't think it's specifically from running but I'm sure it doesn't help. I've been stretching it out by rolling on a tennis ball and that seems to help.

Now a bit of exciting news:

I SIGNED UP FOR MY FIRST 5K! scary...

It's May 20th in the early evening. I'm freaked out. I've already had a bad dream about it. I think signing up scared me enough that I started making excuses to not go running. You'd think it would motivate, but not for me apparently. It's a corporate challenge event (technically 3.5 miles... that's a bit longer than 5k, isn't it?) downtown in the city I work and my company is sponsoring its employees who signed up. The proceeds are donated to the boy's and girl's club of the area. I really want to get up to jogging 3 miles straight before May 20th. I don't think I'll be able to run the whole thing but if I (show up at all) run most of it, and actually finish, I'll be satisfied. So Very. Nervous.

Since I always run with C, I've never listened to music. I have an ip.o.d to.uch but I'm thinking of getting a shuffle. My problem then becomes what music should I listen to while running?? I love all kinds of different music, I can't say I completely don't like any one category. I need some upbeat songs to add to a future running play-list. If you have suggestions, please HELP! :)

* Last year in March I decided to see if I could become a runner. I have never been very athletic and have never run at all. Never. I followed the couch to 5k plan and ended up quitting due to procrastination in May '09. I started back up in Aug '09 and finally completed the plan in Nov '09. I kept running for a few weeks but stopped when it got below freezing (I only run outside, I've never run on a treadmill). I started back up in March '10 and have blogged the whole journey so far.

** "We" in conjunction with running always refers to myself and my sister, C. She has been learning to jog with me almost the whole time and is a huge source of motivation for me. We also spend time often doing non-joggy things together. She lives 1 mile from me and I'm so happy to have her so close.

Time for a Change

2010-04-16T22:46:00.003-04:00

Whoa baby I think I follow too many blogs. I have over 550 new posts in my reader. Definitely feeling overwhelmed. Both in blogland and in "real life".

Last week I went to our NYC office for work and stayed from Tue to Thurs. I was all caught up in blog reading when I left but didn't keep up after that. I so want to read all of them but I know I'll never be able to. Needless to say I haven't been commenting at all and I feel badly about that. I miss hearing about what's going on and giving support. I do plan to be back.

But first, I want to make a few changes.

I've been in a huge rut at work and I need to get back on track for my own sanity. It's definitely a catch 22... I'm unhappy at work and my productivity suffers, and then I have so much to do that I just don't do anything (way too overwhelmed and that's how I deal), and then I'm that much more unhappy. Rinse, repeat.

So, first, I need to focus on work when I'm at work, and stop letting things pile up. I'm not too hopeful for this one, I've been battling procrastination most of my life. Work is picking up as well. I've gotten two new clients in the past week and work for one of my newer clients is picking up as of this weekend. Love the emails at 5:30pm on a Friday saying "We need A, B, and C done this weekend in time for work to start on Monday morning. Eff you, jerks.

Until I get work under control, I'm only going to allow myself a certain amount of time to read blogs. Hopefully I can catch up a bunch this weekend, even though I'll have a bunch of work to do.

Second, I want to start posting more regular, and shorter, updates. There are so many things I want to blog about but then I never do. My plan is to post often on weekday mornings. Even if it's just a quick one-line post.

There are exciting things (non pregnancy/motherhood related) coming in the next few months and I really want to blog about them.

My appt to go over the blood work results is this Monday. The office already called me about my TSH level and my triglycerides. My TSH is 8 and they think I have hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about this, 8 doesn't seem that much higher than the normal range, but I'm willing to try the medication to lower it. I've read so many different things about it, I'm not sure what to believe. My triglyceride level is crazily high and they want me to take medication to try and lower that too. I'm not really sure why this is specifically bad but I did read that it goes hand in hand with diabetes which I have a huge risk for. I've been slowly changing my diet but a level so high would be better helped with medication I guess. The main medication for this is not safe for pregnancy so I'm not sure what will be decided at this point.

Self imposed blogging limit reached. I have work to do still and I can't wait to get to bed. I think I could sleep for 48 hours straight.

Blood Work, Finally

2010-03-30T11:06:00.002-04:00

AF arrived on Friday morning, 3/26 (*punches Hope in the face* and, stay down!), and I called that day for an appt for my CD3 blood work. Yes, the same blood work I've been trying to get done since my last fertility appt at the end of Oct.

The first CD3 after my appt this happened and I couldn't get the blood work done. The second one was over New Years and there was no place open. The third was in Feb and I wasn't even sure if AF was here or not. I spotted, then stopped completely, then spotted again. That went on for about 2 weeks - I was very confused.

So, finally, I went in yesterday morning and had 5 vials drawn! Yay! I have a needles-poking-me phobia but as I get older (and of course I've had a lot of blood work done in the past 13 years) I'm getting better about it. I can now keep myself from freaking out all the way up until the needle is actually coming at me. Then I clamp my eyes shut, hyperventilate (though I focus hard on breathing deeply and slowly), and squeak as the needle is going in. After that I keep my eyes closed but I'm basically fine. Even when the needle is still in, and even when I can hear the blood spurting into each vial.

I went to one of the blood draw labs, not my clinic. The woman there was awesome. She took me right in and did everything quick, quick. She even asked "oh, am I hurting you?" at one point. I only have a tiny red dot where the needle went in, no bruise or anything. Now THAT is the sign of a good stab. I will definitely be going back to that place for any future blood work.

So anyway, my appt to go over my results is on 4/19. My HSG was 2 years ago now so another one may be in my future and a medicated cycle (with BDing, not an IUI or IVF) may be in my future as well.

Wild* Hope and Powerful Dreams

2010-03-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

I dreamt I was pregnant. That's obviously not a rare dream topic.

I dreamt I was pregnant with quadruplets.

I was excited, and scared, and crying, and worried.

I wanted all four with all my heart, yet I didn't want to jeopardize all of them by trying to bring all of them into the world.

I was scared to tell my husband, but when I told him he was surprisingly less freaked than I thought he'd be.

This dream will never be finished, it will never have an ending.

It was a powerful dream.

I'm still thinking about it now.

I've, once again, let hope creep way too far into my brain and heart for my own good. So far in that I know that if this is it, I'd be due at the beginning of Dec. I had some twinges and cramping yesterday morning on the way in to work. I very rarely have cramps, not even during AF.

Yet, at the same time, I know that this is not IT. And I know I'll be sad when that nasty glimmer of hope is crushed once again.

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a tease that I might be pregnant. I know I'm not. But Hope doesn't give a shit what I know.

*wild
adj. wild·er, wild·est
1. Occurring, growing, or living in a natural state; not domesticated, cultivated, or tamed: wild geese; edible wild plants
2. Not inhabited or farmed: remote, wild country
3. Uncivilized or barbarous; savage
4. a. Lacking supervision or restraint: wild children living in the street
b. Disorderly; unruly: a wild scene in the school cafeteria
c. Characterized by a lack of moral restraint; dissolute or licentious: recalled his wild youth with remorse
5. Lacking regular order or arrangement; disarranged: wild locks of long hair
6. Full of, marked by, or suggestive of strong, uncontrolled emotion: wild with jealousy; a wild look in his eye; a wild rage
7. Extravagant; fantastic: a wild idea.
8. Furiously disturbed or turbulent; stormy: wild weather
9. Risky; imprudent: wild financial schemes
10. a. Impatiently eager: wild to get away for the weekend
b. Informal Highly enthusiastic: just wild about the new music
11. Based on little or no evidence or probability; unfounded: wild accusations; a wild guess
12. Deviating greatly from an intended course; erratic: a wild bullet

Thanks! / Happy ICLW! / Running Update / Questions?

2010-03-21T15:18:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling better than I was when I posted last. Maybe just day-tripping on the pity boat instead of an extended cruise. I'm almost totally over the jerky elevator guy (though I'd still like to punch him.) Thanks to everyone who left truly awesome, thoughtful, caring comments on my last post. I really felt the love and it made me feel so much better. I was trying to thank everyone individually but I think I've lost track. Still trying though! Sending *hugs* to everyone. Really, really Thank You.

Happy ICLW! I'm usually a commenting fool so I won't have any trouble making my quota this week but, as always, I suck at posting regularly. If it's your first time here, thanks for visiting! I'm excited to check out some new blogs. To learn about me, I have a timeline in the left sidebar and you could read the ABC post I did a while ago, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Running update:
Things are going well for just starting back up. C (my youngest sister) and I are still surprised we were able to jump right back into it so easily. We are working back up to our standard 3x per week schedule. Here's what we've done so far.

3/5/10
Run time: 30:10
Run Distance: 2.00 miles
Ave Pace: 15:05/mi
(100 crunches)

3/10/10
Run time: 31:27
Run Distance: 2.22 miles
Ave Pace: 14:11/mi

3/14/10
Run time: 30:19
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 13:48/mi

3/16/10
Run time: 30:54
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 14:39/mi
(110 crunches)

3/18/10
Run time: 31:15
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 14:13/mi
(110 crunches)

We are definitely getting better (first day back - 15:19/mi). We don't specifically work on speed. It just happens as we get more comfortable jogging. I think my goal of a 12:59min/mile pace (for at least the first 2 miles) by June is very doable without working on speed at all. C and I decided that we are now going to add .1 to our mileage weekly, until we get to 3 miles. This coming week we'll be jogging 2.3 miles so that will put us at 3 the week of May 10th. If it takes us a bit longer, that's fine. My goal is to consistently jog 3 miles straight by June.

Almost no pain at all so far and my knees are doing great. I have been having some tightness/pain on the bottom of my left foot but it started before I started running again so I don't think it's from running. I've been stretching it out by rolling my foot on a tennis ball and it seems to be working. I'm planning to go to a local running store I found soon to check out new shoes (mine are almost a year old now!) and hopefully get some info from them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoga last week was annoying. For some reason I felt weak and I couldn't do a lot of the poses (that I've done many times before) very well. Hopefully it was just a bad yoga day. I've decided not to look for another yoga class right now. I'm trying to find a yoga for weight loss DVD I had but it's lost. If I find it, I plan to add it once a week to what I already do. Anyone have a yoga DVD you love and would recommend?

Instead of going to an extra yoga class per week, I've decided to sign River up for an obedience class. He really needs the attention and mental stimulation. We've done lots of classes before but we haven't done anything now for 6-9 months.

Speaking of River, I just gave him a bath (woo boy he needed one BADLY) and I should really stop blogging now and take him for a walk so he can dry off.

One last thing though - I've gotten a few questions in comments lately and I'm planning to answer them all in one post very soon. If anyone has anything else you'd like to ask me, fire away! Answers to come hopefully later this week.

Questions received so far:
Comment asking to hear more about dog agility. Talk about my dog? Anytime!
Are you familiar with the "Couch to 5K" program? Short answer: yep. Will elaborate.
Have you thought of adopting a baby? I'm positive I'm not the only infertile who has been asked this. I don't take offence but it's complicated. I'll do my best to answer.
It sounds like you are giving up on treatments to get pregnant. Am I missing something? Why? Again, complicated. I will talk about it more in depth though.

Anyone else have any questions? :)

Mid-Week Pity Boating

2010-03-10T14:04:00.005-05:00

Oh, I am definitely full steam ahead on the Pity Boat today.

Someone made me tear-up on my way up to yoga. My feelings get hurt way too easily.
(I got on the elevator to go three floors up to the class. I take the elevator to the class for many different reasons (read: excuses) - I have bad knees and it's painful to climb stairs, especially in heels; I wait until the very last minute so I'm not gone from my desk too long and if I take the elevator it's usually faster; yoga is about relaxation for me and running up three flights of stairs and immediately trying to relax doesn't work for me. Anyway, there were 2 people already on the elevator and I joined them. One floor up the elevator stops for a delivery guy with a big cart and I get out because I was totally not paying attention. I was confused for a minute at the unfamiliar floor. I started to head back to the elevator only to hear the guy on the elevator make some snide comment about me exercising but being lazy enough to take the elevator up one floor. grrr. Yeah, I know this is stupid but it really hurt my feelings. That guy doesn't know me. I wanted to follow them up to their floor and tell him that I'm not lazy... just stupid with bad knees. heh. Probably a bad idea.)

My yoga instructor opened the class telling us how she got to watch her granddaughter take her first breath (be born) this past weekend.

...I will never get to experience that. With children or grandchildren.

My yoga class ended with everyone talking about what they named their kids and what their kids named their grandchildren.

...I will never get to name a baby.

Pregnancy is all around me lately.

This year I have found out that many coworkers are expecting, including one of the two other people in my office also in my specific dept. She sits down the hall from me and is definitely a belly-rubber. Not that I've seen her rub her belly yet but you know the type. She CANNOT stop talking about her pregnancy. I know all about how she really wanted a boy and that how women in her family don't show until they're at least 6 months and oh so much more. Now I know that she just found out it's a boy (and she hasn't even specifically told me). Another coworker (also an acquaintance outside of work) came into my office last fall and told me he and his new wife were thinking about having a baby and when are R and I going to have kids? Ugh. The dreaded question. I found out about a month ago that they are expecting and that she was about 3 months. Didn't take effin long, huh?

There are a few blogs I keep up with because they were among the very first blogs I read. They are not IF blogs and I recently learned that three of them are pregnant with their second babies. They were just pregnant with their first when I started reading them about 2 years ago. Serves me right for continuing to read I suppose.

I can't do anything online or watch anything on TV without being reminded that parenthood is the norm. It's sickeningly normal! It just happens without a second thought for so many people. Most women my age and older are moms. I can't help but think how it will feel when I'm 50 and still don't have any kids. Hopefully I'll have mourned and accepted it by then.

When I feel like this it overwhelms me that I don't have a final resolution. I feel like I'm mourning my never-to-be children over and over again. Depressed, I say goodbye to motherhood, only to have a little hope sneak back in the next day/week/month, and then I have to say goodbye again. ("pain on pain on play repeating")

I almost wish for something to happen that will force me to mourn once and for all and then move on with my life.

Well, I will get to mourn once and for all. I suspect that will happen when I go through menopause. But that seems like way too long to go on like this.

Running Again! (and New Goals)

2010-03-04T22:05:00.002-05:00

I went running last night!

3/3/10
Run time: 30:20
Run Distance: 1.98 miles
Ave Pace: 15:19/mi
(and 100 crunches afterwards)

Ok, so that pace isn’t really “running”. haha

C (my youngest sister) went with me. I told her yesterday during work that I wanted to start up again soon and to my surprise she said she had been thinking the same thing. I wasn’t planning for that night but I decided spur-of-the-moment to jump back in immediately.

We went in my neighborhood loop and the larger loop (adjacent neighborhood). It was chilly! but tolerable. The worst was the wind. Brrrrr It was in the high 30s / low 40s yesterday so it was probably low 30s last night. Much below freezing is just too cold for C and I, which is why we fell off the jogging wagon for the past 3 months. Well, the cold and the snow and ice that we would have to run through. Yuck.

I have stayed slightly active with yoga once a week, a few random jogs and walks, and some other exercise (including Wii Fit in Jan and Feb). I was able to jog the entire 30 mins. I was really surprised – I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I had no pain and felt pretty good for the entire time. Today, I’m pretty tired and my outer thighs and hip areas are sore but nothing concerning.

C had to stop and walk close to 1/3 of the time but she still kept up with me without much issue. She needs new shoes badly – she jogs in my really old sneakers. Hopefully I can convince her to go with me and buy actual running shoes soon.

We are going to try to jog 3x a week from now on.

My new goal is to hit or exceed a pace of 12:59min/mile which will mean I’m jogging approximately 2.25 miles in the 30 mins. I think the fastest C and I have ever gone is ~13:56mins/mile. I also plan to slowly work up to actually being able to jog for 3 miles (in more than 30 mins if needed). So I guess that’s another goal – to jog for 3 miles straight. I’d like to get to one of these two goals, or both, by June.

I’m still going to yoga every Wed and still loving it. An additional goal of mine is to find another class (or a good video) and add on a yoga session per week on a regular basis.

I also have some weight loss goals but I’ll discuss those in another post.

Please don’t snow/rain tomorrow night! I have to go running! :)

jillology

2010-03-03T16:45:00.002-05:00

I've seen this on a lot of blogs lately. I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Love trying new and interesting flavors but my “go to” is ranch or vinaigrette.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? I don’t really have a favorite. I love to eat at all kinds of different places.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic! Sadly, we don’t have them around here.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Potato chips

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and onions (thinly sliced onions)

How many televisions are in your house? 2 that are set up and we use; 3 or 4 total counting the old ones we no longer use.

What color cell phone do you have? Personal=red; work=grey

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Two wisdom teeth, cartilage from my knee, and a very large ovarian cyst, oh and hair ;)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? I don’t think so

Have you ever fainted? Not that I can remember but my mom tells a story of me passing out as a baby.

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I think I might, yes. I would want to be able to live my life to the fullest. I’d also want to have time to accept it and would want to be able to help my loved ones plan for that time and after.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I can’t think of anything I’d want to change it to.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 2 but only 1 pair that I wear regularly.

Last person you talked to? R by instant message or if only in-person counts, my supervisor.

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Summer

Holiday? Thanksgiving

Day of the week? Friday!

Month? July

Color? Pink or Red

Drink? Water is what I drink most often but my favorite would have to be a nice, thick fruit smoothie.

Alcoholic? I don’t like the taste of alcohol or beer so I rarely drink. If I had to pick then I’d pick a long island iced tea.

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Yes – more than just one.

What are you listening to? Traffic and stopping buses outside my office window

What are you watching? Nothing

Worrying about? Nothing at this moment but work and a childless future are constant worries.

What's the last movie you saw? The Day the Earth Stood Still (the newest version)

Do you smile often? yes

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Green

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A pregnancy would be nice. In more likely territory, a necklace or a nice heavy mortar and pestle.

Can you do a chin-up? Um, I doubt it.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? I don’t think I’m a worrier so I would say I’m more likely to get excited than nervous about upcoming things.

Have you been in a car wreck? Yes

Have you caused a car wreck? Yep – and I will never make the same mistake again!

Do you have an accent? I don't think I do. But, I would if I went to another country, wouldn’t I?

Last time you cried? Yesterday

Plans tonight? Working; watching an old episode of Gh.ost Whi.sperer (guilty pleasure); going for a walk or jog with C

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes

Name three things you bought yesterday? I didn’t buy anything yesterday or Monday but this past Sunday I bought two loaves of freshly baked bread, maple cream cookies for R, and dinner out for my mom’s bday.

Have you met someone who changed your life? R (and many others)

For the better or worse? Better

How did you bring in the New Year? At home with R and C

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I think so

What songs do you sing in the shower? Anything that is stuck in my head

Have you held hands with someone today? Nope

Who was the last person you took a picture of? River but if he doesn’t count, then my dad.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? No, I prefer pulp free.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Just a few days ago.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? was still working

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? What I was going to wear. If I plan it out while I’m still laying in bed then I get to lay there a little longer!

Recent Events in Pictures (and way too much text!)

2010-02-24T15:25:00.011-05:00

Whoa, long time no post. Great way to follow up the procrastination posts! I'm ashamed to admit I've definitely been at it again. But before I get to the bad things, if I even bother, I should catch up from the last month.

And before I catch up from the last month I should wish everyone a happy ICLW! I've been doing well in commenting (as commenting is much easier for me than posting) but I apologize for the lack of new content :/ If you are visiting for the first time, my timeline is on the left-hand side. I'm infertile (been TTC off and on for 13 years now); I've never been pregnant; I've been diagnosed with PCOS and am on glumetza (a type of met.) for it. I won't be doing IUI or IVF and so, I often feel like I'm not a "true" infertile since I'm not "cycling" with everyone. My blog is all over the place - I just write about whatever I feel like and I don't update all that often.

Ok, now on to (not so) recent events.

I had a great trip to TX to visit my dad, his wife, my brother, and his fiance. The first flight was packed and I got stuck in the middle seat - blah. Luckily it was the shorter flight since I basically had to sit up straight and hold my arms together the entire time to keep from bumping my neighbors. The next flight was much better - got a window seat and no one sat in the middle. Ahhh.

On the second flight I was so thirsty but I was semi-sleeping with earphones in when the beverage service came by. When they were passing out drinks the woman asked me if I wanted anything so I eagerly said "I'll have water" (meaning, ya know... ice water). With a weird look on her face, she mouthed a repeat and I shook my head yes. Much to my surprise she came back with a steaming paper coffee cup of hot water. Mmmm. I drank it anyway while I amused myself thinking she must have thought I was a weirdo to ask for "hot water".

Below is an early morning pic of my second plane - I've never seen wings with upturned tips before...
Before the trip I was worried for some reason that they'd lose my luggage. I've flown a lot in my life and I don't think my luggage has ever been lost. I ended up dismissing my fear but I threw an extra pair of underwear into my carry-on just in case! haha

Well, guess what?! Yeah, they lost my luggage. And I wasn't the only one. I filled out the claim form and a nice woman acted like she knew why a bunch of luggage was gone from this particular flight and said someone would actually deliver it to the house. sweet. (I was only slightly worried.)

As soon as I stepped outside at my dad's house, I could smell the ocean. I absolutely love the ocean and oh boy do I miss it living where I live.

We went to an awesome mexican restaurant that night and had fajitas served family style. Then we came back home and sat around this...

and talked and hung out together. It was really cold - the coldest I've ever experienced in TX - the entire time I was there. Just my luck!

I was getting increasingly worried about my bag and the stuff I would never see again as it got later and later. I was trying not to - it's only STUFF, who cares - but it was hard. My bag was dropped off at the house at about midnight that day. whew.

The next morning I was chatting with my dad when I noticed the back of my hand was really itchy. I ended up having a large black and blue swollen spot right below my first two knuckles for the rest of the time I was there. It was like a portion of my vein exploded or something. Really weird and I have no clue what caused it. You can kind of see it in this pic though it doesn't show how swollen it was.
The second day we headed to Galveston and had lunch/dinner all together again. It was so cold and windy but OMG I was near the ocean! You can almost see the ocean in this pic.

I had my first raw oyster. I love seafood but was very unsure about these. I ended up having more than one! :)
We were so full but we all split a dessert. yum!

That second day I actually went out jogging in the morning! I only jogged for about 13-15 mins total but I walked too and ended up going about 2.2 miles. It was cold but much more acceptable than NY weather. (and ugh, I haven't been running since...)

I really had a nice time. I love being with family and not working for four days (I didn't even bring my laptop with me!) was just awesome. My flights home were uneventful and they didn't even lose my luggage.

Since then, nothing has really been going on. I've been working too much and procrastinating like crazy.

On 2/12, I got a delivery at work.

I thought for a minute they were from my dad but the smiley face said it all. R rarely gets me flowers, it was a huge surprise. What a guy! They were so pretty. Almost all gone now but I still have a small vase of the survivors on my kitchen island.

Someone wanted in on my photo shoot (see cat in pic below). She is the first pet I ever got myself as an adult and is going to be 14 in April.

So, anyway, that catches me up and I need to stop now because the mountain of work I have been procrastinating is about to fall over and smother me. I have high hopes about posting again soon! haha :)

Too Much To Do

2010-01-28T16:22:00.006-05:00

Wow! 9 comments on my last post and 9 procrastinators! That is too funny. I guess it is a lot more common than I thought :)

Speaking of procrastination - I have put off so much stuff that I'll never get everything done that I want to get done before I leave for TX tomorrow morning. sigh. I'm really stressing over it. I know it'll probably all work out fine but ugh...

I still need to get a bunch of work done, write up an "If X, then Y" note to my coworkers who are covering for me while I'm out, go to the store to grab a new pair of jeans (I hope I have time), have dinner with R, spend some quality time with R before I'm without him for 4 days, do laundry, go to another store to grab some travel size stuff (though I could do that when I get to TX), and, um... pack.

I just want to go take a nap.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another 2009 pic - the most impressive rainbow I have ever seen in my life. I could actually see it come together in a full circle. Usually rainbows "end" at the horizon or whatever objects are in the way but this one was so clear that I could see it past the horizon and over the ground - it was amazing. The pics don't do it justice at all. If you look close you can see it was actually a double rainbow. The pic quality sucks because I was moving at the time and it was raining (duh) and the pics are taken through the glass.

Procrastination 101 and 2009 Pics

2010-01-26T10:16:00.007-05:00

When I was in 3rd grade I got a "3" in "Time Management" on my report card. "3" stood for "Needs Improvement". (I also got a "3" that year in "Works and Plays Well With Others" but that was an isolated incident *cough*)

In high school and college I was STILL getting 3's and 4's in time management. I'm a hard core procrastinator. I would absolutely NEVER do a project or study for an exam until the day before it was due. I was ALWAYS behind in reading and doing homework. I would stress like crazy about it beforehand but not actually do anything. Then, in tears, I'd stay up the entire night before in a frenzied focus and get everything done. I usually did well - I had a fairly high GPA in hs and college.

To this day I'm STILL getting 3's and 4's in time management. I have gotten a bit more responsible and I rarely let it affect the work that matters (read: the work that I would get fired for or "written up" for if I didn't d0) but it still affects me in every aspect of my life. If I know I have stuff to do, I end up doing everything possible besides that specific thing. The litter boxes are in desperate need of cleaning? Uh, I'll do the dishes. The cabinets from our basement reno (over a year ago) still need painting? Um, I think I'll do some laundry and then read blogs. Those examples are not exactly what I'm trying to convey though...

Yesterday I had a project to do at work. It was not imperative that it be done until the end of the day so I put it off all day long and did other work (and read blogs). Which meant, last night, I COULD have been free to relax and go to bed early but instead I stayed up until 12:30am to finish this project. The project was just fine - it was done well and in plenty of time to meet it's deadline.

Right now I should be doing something for work that is due at noon. But I'm writing this post instead. I know, even if I don't get it done (which I won't) it doesn't really matter, so I don't do it. When it really matters I'll have to spend hours focusing to get it all done.

I do this all the time. It's the story of my life. I feel stupid for doing it over and over again but it's who I am. I have always been like this. Can someone change something that's so ingrained in them? I feel like the obvious answer is, "Yes, you lazy bitch. Just DO something about it." I SHOULD be able to change this. sigh
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Work is evening out a little. I'm still busy but not like I have been the last three weeks. If I could manage to just do everything I needed to do while I was at work, with this amount of work, I wouldn't have to do much from home unless a client email came in or a new project was requested.

I'm down to 88 new posts in my reader! Yay! I was so behind it wasn't even funny. It almost hit 300 a couple days ago. Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful comments to my last post. I'll be sure to check out all your blogs in the next few days (or weeks if work goes crazy again.)

In addition to work slowing down a little, I am going on a mini-vacation this weekend. I took this coming Friday and Monday off and will be flying to TX on Friday morning to visit my dad, his wife, my brother, and his fiance. I'm kind of stressing right now about all the stuff I need to do before I leave on Fri but I'm excited to be going. I love to travel and I can't wait to see my dad and give him a hug.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In response to a comment - there is no story behind the flower pic in the last post. I took it while at a wedding I attended last summer. R was annoyed with me for stopping and clicking all the beautiful flowers but I got some good shots :) Here are some other pics from last year:

C (my sister) and I went strawberry picking in early July '09. The strawberry fields are in the far right distance in the pic and to the left of where I'm standing.

Strawberries!

For my birthday (also in July '09), my mom, and C and I went canoeing on a lake. It was a beautiful day. One of my dreams is to live on a lake and own a canoe. I love the sound of the paddles in the water.

Working and Shaking My Booty

2010-01-21T14:36:00.005-05:00

If anyone was curious to know the tune to the "I am slowly going crazy" song - click THIS link. Beware though, it's one of those songs that can get stuck in your head. Like this one. Muahahaha ;)

Since 2010 began, and a little before, I have been going crazy. With work. One of my cases ramped up at the very end of December and I have been working my butt off trying to keep up. It's not the kind of job that you can leave behind when you go home. We are expected to work when we're needed. That means we have normal "9-6" office hours and then we work from home (or the office if we weren't lucky enough to sneak out) very early in the morning and very late at night. Last night I was on the phone with a client from 10:48pm - 12:00am and then I continued to work until 1:30am. I'm tired.

Working 10/11/12 hour days is just not something I can do for every long and still keep my sanity. I admire all the work-aholics out there (actually I think they're a little crazy but I'll keep that to myself!) but bleh, that's just not who I am.

I usually read blogs and write posts from work (or from home in the evening) so those things have seriously suffered so far this month. Since it's ICLW I am going to try to fit in a bunch of commenting and a couple posts this week. I have a picture-heavy one in mind and maybe another video of River :) I'm so far behind in my reader and I just can't catch up. I'm sorry I haven't been reading/commenting lately - you may see some late comments from me in the next few weeks.

Happy ICLW! If you are new to my blog, the sidebar has a very brief timeline. I started this blog just about a year ago after having read infertility/TTC/pregnancy blogs for about a year prior. I didn't know if I'd keep it up, and I've taken a lot of breaks, but I'm still here. amazing. I think of new posts all the time but I'm just not very good at actually taking the time to write. In terms of TTC I have no idea where I am right now. My cycles are wacky and extremely long. I'm trying my best to lose weight (check out my ticker at the bottom - 16lbs! I'm so happy.) in the hopes that and the glumetza I'm on, for suspected PCOS, will kick-start some ovulation. I'm also trying to get some new CD3 blood work taken but that hasn't worked out for the past two cycles. Here's why I couldn't get it taken the first time. I didn't blog about it but the second CD3 opportunity fell right in the middle of new years vacation. Screw you too, AF.

C (my youngest sister) and I totally fell off the running wagon. I'm sad but I'm really planning on getting back out there. Up until the beginning of December, we were jogging for 30 minutes, 2 or 3 times a week. We got up to a little over 2 miles per time (which is very slow, I know). Before last year, neither of us had ever jogged before and we are both very sedentary people.

Instead of running I've started going to a yoga class once a week. I had never done it before and I LOVE it! I'd like to do it 3x a week but it's not possible with my schedule right now. For xmas I got a Wii and WiiFit Plus so I use that as often as I can to practice some yoga poses, and do all of the other fun games and stuff that offers. Even though I'm sure it doesn't take the place of normal exercise, it's very helpful to get me off the couch in the evenings.

Last week my coworker said, "hey, do you want to go to a kick-boxing class with me at noon tomorrow?" I love trying new things and I rarely get a chance to so I said sure. Well, the next day we went and it ended up being a zumba class. Soooo very far from kick-boxing :) It was pretty funny and I spent the next hour shaking my booty doing this weird combo of dance-aerobics. It was tough but fun so I went again this week and I think I'll keep going.

I need to get to a meeting so I'll leave you with a pic I took in 2009. I have a whole post of 2009 pics and stories that I never blogged about - hopefully I get to write it.

Back-Burnered Blogging

2010-01-18T16:39:00.001-05:00

I am slowly going crazy...

1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH!

Crazy going slowly am I...

6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH!

First Snow of the Year

2009-12-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago we had our first snow of the season and it stuck. It was on a day off so I didn't have to go anywhere, which was nice. I don't like winter - I'd much rather warm, sunny weather, but it's still magical when it snows and to see everything covered with white.

River is IN LOVE with winter. It is his absolute favorite season. He adores playing in the snow. When it's cold outside, it is impossible to tire him out. He just wants to play forever.

Here is some during and after video of our first snow. And River of course, enjoying himself.

He is chewing on a tennis ball and "wrestling" with the falling snow.

I got him to put the ball down so I could video him snapping at the falling snow - so cute!

Not much accumulation but it was so pretty covering all the bare trees.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! My Christmas was very nice: good giving, good getting, good food, good time with family :)

The Christmas Toy*

2009-12-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

Woo boy my arms and shoulders ached the day after my yoga class last week! It was a good, sore muscle ache though. I have the bad kind of pain in my back, shoulders, arms regularly so it was refreshing to have meaningful pain. That sounds weird I guess. My next class should be on Jan 6th and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm basically done with my gift shopping. But I have a lot to wrap. I bought C a bunch of things that fit together in a theme (kitchen/baking stuff) and I'm going to wrap each one individually. I bought her the cutest set of measuring spoons - I have to take a pic before I wrap them up. C and I went in on a bunch of cooking/baking stuff for my other sister (S) too. I hope C doesn't mind having very similar presents! I'm sure she'll be happy with what I got her but it gives me a twinge of guilt that I wasn't more unique. I still have one very small thing to buy for C and I need to stop and get a gas station gift cert for S because she's a poor grad student. All presents are bought for my mom. R bought gifts for his mom and dad but they still need to be wrapped (by me). And that's it. R and I don't usually buy gifts for each other. He is extremely difficult to buy for unless I have thousands of dollars to buy him a camaro or some sort of new electronic device. The small thoughtful gifts are just not his style. We save the money we would have spent on each other and eventually buy something for our house instead.

We didn't put up lights again this year and we never bothered to get a tree. We both like the decorations but it just didn't happen. I used to be really into Christmas but not so much anymore. Christmas without children to share it with just isn't the same. We don't have any kids in either of our families and our few friends don't have kids either. I do like giving gifts though - it's fun to get someone what they want/need.

I did get to buy a toy for someone this year though! I bought it for a family our company sponsored for the holidays who have an infant that needs a kidney transplant. They also have a 2 yr old and I figured this thing would be great for both of them to use. It was so cute. I haven't bought a baby toy in a long, long time.

All our snow has melted. I don't think it will be a white Christmas. It would be nice to have some snow but please, don't snow on Thursday. We will be traveling to and back home from my mom's house (~2 hours each way) that day, as is our tradition, and bad weather would just make it annoying. Not that we couldn't handle it. We have a 4 wheel drive vehicle and R is a very good driver. Christmas day we are off to MIL's house (only ~ 15 mins away) in the afternoon so if it had to snow, that would be the ideal day. Have I ever mentioned how crazy my MIL is? I don't think I have. If there are any bizarre presents from her this year I need to remember to take pics of them. Corn on the cob handles anyone? Or how about a purple, plastic trash can? No? Then how about a staple puller and some blank diskettes? Oh it just goes on and on.

*One of my fondly remembered childhood Christmas movies. C and I were discussing this on Sunday (while baking about 4 different kinds of cookies for the holidays because it is one of our holiday traditions - frosted sugar cookies, gingerbread men, chocolate orange crinkles, and sugar-cookie-chocolate-peppermint bark) and now I really want to see it again! Maybe I'll order it on DVD. Whoa! I just looked and someone has put the entire movie up - the first part is HERE. I don't know if it's good quality but I'm off to watch it now!

Running Update and First Yoga Class

2009-12-17T01:38:00.000-05:00

Sadly C and I have all but stopped running. I definitely plan to continue but we are in a rut right now because of the holidays and the disgustingly cold, snowy, icy weather.

From when we completed week 9, to now, we've gone out about 2x per week, with at least one week off. We regressed a little in our pace and then got better, our best time being slightly under 14min/mile. I've also done my elliptical a couple times when it was raining or just generally crappy outside. The last time I went jogging was last Tuesday - a week and a day ago. I actually think about going a lot but jogging in the bitter cold is so very unpleasant it's all too easy to procrastinate.

I'm trying to figure out a good solution for us. We just aren't going to be able to jog much outside in the next 2 months. Buying a treadmill is not an option, especially because that would not allow C and I to continue jogging together. I received a flyer in the mail recently for a fairly cheap fitness center membership that even claimed to have an indoor track (better imo than a treadmill) and I was hopeful that might be our solution. This past weekend C and I went to check it out and we weren't impressed. It was not a great looking place, the woman at the desk was not incredibly pleasant (though she wasn't really rude). Besides the start-up fee, the flyer I received claimed membership was $10/month. Well, apparently access to the indoor track area (which is suspended above the basketball court where smelly guys run around and sweat, and which only looked to be 1/4 mile or less) costs an extra $20/month. This is just silly. I don't think we'll be going there. I'll be looking around for another indoor track but I suppose I would settle for just a nearby fitness place with a good amount of treadmills and a cheap membership fee.

I'm not counting myself as having fallen off the wagon just yet. C will probably decline but I am going to try and get out there again tomorrow or this weekend.
------------------------------------------------------

I've always been intrigued by yoga. I've tried some yoga on tv at home but it's very hard to look at the tv and try to do the poses at the same time. Also, it's hard not to get any feedback on if you're doing things correctly or not.

For some reason I've had a hard time finding any classes that would be easy for me to get to and not require me to spend a million dollars on a gym membership (though if I found a gym with a great schedule, I might pay a good deal to be able to attend the classes)

A few weeks ago I was excited to see a sign in the elevator of my work building for a once-a-week yoga class starting up on the 11th floor. But then I forgot about it and ended up missing the first class. The second class was supposed to be last week but was cancelled because of the weather.

So, today I attended my very first yoga class. I loved it! I wish I could take that class multiple times a week. It was challenging and relaxing at the same time. I worked on balance, worked my muscles, and stretched. It was right in the middle of my work day and it was so nice to be able to get up from my desk and actually move my body.

The class is postponed now until after the new year but I can't wait to go again!

Sharing a Song

2009-12-11T11:12:00.000-05:00

This was my post for the Blog Cross Pollination. I wanted to repost it here as well because I've been wanting to share this song with everyone for a long time now. Ever since I wrote the post it's been replaying in my head.
---------------------------------------------------

Being a mom is my dream job. I’m sure I’ve said it before. My goals have always involved having and raising children. If I end up without children, I know I’ll survive and have a good life, but it will be a life I never ever imagined. We all have our own version of the common infertility journey and even though I feel so strongly about it, I’ve found I’m unable to express how I feel properly in a blog post.

A few months ago I heard a song that completely expresses infertility, from my point of view, in a way I could never manage to do. The emotions and imagery in the song so closely represent how I feel.

I was working from home that day, listening to music, watching River asleep on the floor next to me. The playlist song switched and I unconsciously started listening ~Where do we go from here?~ to the words. Only a few lines in ~How do we carry on?~ I was pulled in by words I thought I heard ~…cuts me with every could-have-been~ and I started to listen more intently.

~Pain on pain on play, repeating~

Tears.

The words and my complicated feelings melded and she was suddenly singing my story, unasked.

It was a sad, lonely moment, lost in my infertility, but it was also not so lonely. Even if the song isn’t specifically about infertility, it is proof that others feel as I do. I thought of all the blogs I read of women going through this same hell and I wanted to share the song with everyone.

It expresses the uncertainty, the pain, the fact that there’s this unknown future without children waiting in the shadows (…backup makeshift life in waiting), the obnoxious “just relax” we’ve all been told (…time heals everything), the hopelessness and periods of giving up (…nothing to see here now), the sadness (…crumbled and puffy faced), even the millions of sterile, modesty-stealing procedures and appointments we’ve all endured (Around old magazines, fluorescent lighting sets the scene…).

My favorite verse is “All I want, only one street-level miracle. I’ll be an out-and-out born again from none more cynical.” It’s such a simple thing that I wish for – to get pregnant and raise a child. I no longer believe it will happen, but if it does, I will be so very grateful.

To listen for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbTW0lhR1Y

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can’t get beyond the questions.

Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

*Chorus*
Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There’s nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We’re closed to the Earth ’til further notice.
A Stumbling cliched case,
crumbled and puffy faced.
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I’ll be an out-and-out born again from none more cynical.

*Chorus*

And sit here cold?
We’ll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
Around old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we’ve got.

In the one life that we’ve got.

*Chorus*

Are we just going to wait it out? Sit Here?
Just going to Wait it out? Sit here cold?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

Bloggy Cross Pollination

2009-12-09T09:55:00.001-05:00

Today's post is a mystery guest post brought to you by The Great Blog Cross Pollination!
---------------------------------------------

Im busy reading this book called “Maybe Baby”. It’s a collection of short stories written by a multitude of people. All the stories are related to having children. Some people relate their story of how desperately they want children and the lengths they go to achieve that dream (obviously that’s the category we are all so familiar with) but then there are other stories of people who aren’t sure if they are meant to be parents or even want to be parents (a category Im starting to identify with), people who have had children and regret it (doubt I’ll ever be in this category), people who fall pregnant naturally (and quickly, like in first try – very annoying) but then face other dilemmas like abusive partners or their child gets cancer. Its actually a good book, quite a balanced outlook on having children, the ins and outs and how it works for some but not for others.

But there is one “golden thread” that runs through all the stories – in all the authors lives there is one big thing that happens to them in their lives. Whether it be infertility, working through an abusive lifestyle, financial difficulties, dealing with cancer, dealing with ones own parents, dealing with an ill parent, dealing with feelings of inadequacy etc. There is always something that happens to all of them. It appears that life is never plain sailing. The fairy tale of meeting a prince, getting married, having kids and living happily ever after is very often just that – a fairy tale. Wow, how jaded Ive become….(I hate the bitterness I feel for all my years lost thanks to infertility).

With infertility so much the focus of my life, this book has actually shown me that I need to start seeing the wood from the trees. I often feel a pang of jealousy as I see my neighbour’s kids running and playing or that cute family in the store pushing the baby pram and another on the way. The problem is what kind of lives are behind the façade? What is the thing they are dealing with? My issue though is do you think that infertility is a big enough thing to deal with in a lifetime? Because I sure hope it is.

---------------------------------------------
Any guesses as to who my guest blogger is? Let me know in the comments before clicking on the link below. :)

To find out who my guest blogger is (and read her story ), and to read my post for this event, click over HERE.

Many thanks for Geohde at Mission Impossible for organizing this!

Funky

2009-12-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt much like blogging. I haven't felt much like doing anything really. Work for the past three days has been crappy. I don't want to be here and I don't want to work. If I were four years old I would totally throw a tantrum right about now.

I read my last post over again and I really didn't mean for it to be such a doom and gloom post. The situation with the blood work was frustrating but really, what's waiting another few months in the scheme of the last 13 years of waiting? Really, nothing at all. And, I don't think the blood work is going to tell me anything anyway. So, no big deal. And my grandpa, I miss him and wish he hadn't died, but I'm not overwhelmed with sadness or anything. I'm the most sad for my grandma. Since I was remembering him while writing the post I figured I'd write out some things that I'll remember most about him. It ended up sounding pretty sad.

Thanksgiving at my grandma's house was nice. I think I'm a turkey snob now, after having cooked/hosted for the past three Thanksgivings, because I definitely missed my turkey! But all the food was yummy. My aunt had to prepare everything at her house and then pack up and move the entire meal to my grandma's house because my grandma doesn't want to leave her house anymore. That's no small task. She's a wonderful person. (not only on thanksgiving - she helps my grandma clean and even comes over on a regular basis to help her bathe)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I wanted to lighten up the posts and I've never blogged about crocheting before so here goes!

Back in July my sister (C) and I decided to learn to crochet. We went to a craft store and bought a book, some yarn, and a hook. Then we sat on my couch and proceeded to get frustrated in about an hour. haha

We kept at it though, C much more than me. She has made a queen size blanket as an xmas gift for a friend, another half a blanket, a couple hats, and at least one scarf. All summer and most of the fall she only worked part time so in the mornings she would crochet before work and she'd also do it while watching sports on TV with her SO.

I've never completed a project except for my very first one:

It's a... dishcloth :) About 12'' x 12''. It was fun to make something so small to start with because I really felt accomplished afterwards. I wanted to make a bunch more but I haven't yet. I think they'd actually be useful as kitchen cloths.

I have also done a few swatches to practice different types of crocheting. After the dishcloth I started my blanket.

It is brown, cream, and brick colored yarn, double-stranded (you crochet the entire time with two strands of yarn held together - it makes a thicker blanket I guess). I tried to pick colors that would match our basement room so that we could keep it down there on the couch. I'm happy with how it's turning out.

I started it in the summer. It's still not even half done! It is now about twice as big as it is in the pic above. Maybe someday I'll finish it. I really enjoy crocheting but I never think about sitting down to just crochet and it's hard to crochet and watch a TV show with R at the same time.

Going to the craft store is dangerous now. Even though I don't crochet often, every time I go I want to buy more yarn and patterns! There are so many kinds of yarn out there! I have to stay away from that store until I actually need more yarn for my current project.

Proof:

This is a beautiful pink yarn that I bought because I think it would make a wonderful, light-weight, baby-type blanket. It's soooo soft I want to sleep with it like a pillow. No, I haven't even started a blanket from it yet.

If I ever manage finish another project I'll definitely post pics.

Bonus bloggy fun: Can you find the dog in three of the six pics?! hehe

My Blood

2009-11-24T17:37:00.001-05:00

CD1: On Wed, I was in NYC for work and couldn't call my clinic.

CD2: On Thurs, I called the clinic and the answering service (who was kind of rude) said that the clinic is closed on Thursdays... well ok then.

CD3: On Friday, I called the clinic at 8am when they opened and asked if they could take me for the CD3 bloodwork that day. She said "Didn't we give you a 'script for it?" Well yes, they did, but they told me that was just in case CD3 fell on a weekend. I told her that, she sighed and told me to hold on. When she got back on the phone she said that the bloodwork lady was soooo busy and that was a lot of blood to take and... well, couldn't I just go to LabC.orp? (Btw, I HATE going to those places, I've had bad experiences with them not giving a shit and treating you like garbage.) I'm a push over and I say, "sure". I get directions from her and hang up.

I knew I was going to be late to work, which was fine, but I had to be at work by 11:30am for a conference call.

I arrived at the address and drove around the corporate park area looking for the building number, which I didn't have. Finally found it, went in to a very empty waiting room, signed in, and waited for about 5 mins. She called me up and I handed her my 'script and started to hand her my insurance card.

"Oh we don't take that insurance."

I look at her. She looks back at me. "Yeah, they don't have a contract with us." Sigh. So I ask how much it would be to just pay out of pocket. I seriously was thinking about doing it just to get it over with. She tells me about $500 and I decide to save myself the money. She can tell I am defeated because she asks if I know where this other place is. Well, sure, I know where that address is but given that it's after 10am now, and that place is at least 20 mins away, there's no way I'd make it to work in time. Ah well.

I called the clinic when I got to work and told them and they apologized for sending me someplace that doesn't take my insurance. I know I should have called them before I went there, I just didn't think it would be an issue.

CD4: On Saturday I decided that I would stop by the other place to get it done quickly before R and I go on with the rest of the day. But silly me doesn't call the office until 11am and they close at noon on Saturdays. I suck.

Summary: No CD3 bloodwork for me. Better luck next cycle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandpa died one year ago today. I'm not one to put a lot of meaning in a death-day. I don't feel any different today than I do on any other day except to be amazed that a whole year has passed already. I miss him the same amount every day.

Every day I feel the same amount of sadness for my grandma that she has to go on without him. For 32 years of my life they were a pair, never one without the other in my mind. Now, for the past year, it is only her. That's hard to get used to.

We usually host Thanksgiving at our house (have for the past three years anyway) - I love the preparation and cooking and having everyone at my house. I think it's my favorite holiday. This year I decided to go and be with my grandma instead of host it at my house. I've never celebrated Thanksgiving at her house before. There will be a good amount of people there so hopefully the hustle will keep her mind off of last year for the most part.

When I get there on Thursday morning, that distinct, gruff voice won't greet me by saying "Jilly's home!" as I walk up the basement stairs to the kitchen. I won't get to chat with him from my favorite place at the counter, as he sits at the dining room table, leafing through a newspaper and chewing on a toothpick. I won't ever see him fall asleep in his living room recliner, to the late news on TV, as grandma and I chat in the other room. He won't ever cook me pasta again or laugh over the fact that we like it al dente and grandma likes it mushy. I'll never again see his flowers and tomato plants growing in the front yard, or see the bags of vegetables and garlic that he grew, around their house.

But, I'll remember all those things forever.

Always Unexpected

2009-11-18T21:07:00.003-05:00

{girly-talk warning!}

Well, yesterday I spotted just the teeniest bit and today is apparently CD1. Weird. And good. I was either on CD117 or CD43. Annoyingly long. Waiting can kiss my ass.

It's very light but I'm just going to go with it. I'll call tomorrow and then hopefully have my CD3 bloodwork on Friday. I'm very glad I don't have to choose to take the provera.

I looked back at my FF notes and apparently I had a little ewcm about 14 days ago. Interesting. I suppose it's too much to hope that the glumetza and exercise are helping but it gives me some happy thoughts about this coming cycle.

New Patient Fertility / GYN Appt - 10/28/09

2009-11-17T12:30:00.001-05:00

It went fine I guess. When I was filling out all the new patient paperwork I actually was able to write truthfully that I exercise ~3 times a week and jog ~2 miles each time. That was cool. I’ve never been able to write anything like that before.

The one and only doctor at this place is a man and I prefer female doctors. I was told over the phone that if I needed anything done to my hoo-haa a nurse practitioner would most likely be the one to do it. Well, I met with this main doctor (Dr. M) and to my surprise, he busted out the dildo cam on our first ~~date~~… err, I mean, appt. I was definitely not expecting a u/s but who am I to turn one down! Apparently I can survive an exam by a man.

There was also a female doctor, who seemed to be learning, following Dr. M around. They were both very thoughtful and made sure I could see the screen of the u/s. I hate those silent u/s’s where they don’t let you see what's going on and don’t say a word throughout the whole thing. As I laid there staring at the screen, I tried to imagine what it would be like to see an actual baby.

Just like all my other u/s’s, they saw both ovaries and there was no sign of cysts even though I specifically asked about the “string of pearls” symptom of PCOS. He also measured my lining, and even though I haven’t had a real flow in over a year, my lining was very thin.

Dr. M of course thinks I have PCOS and put me back on glumetza. I’m taking it now and haven’t had many side effects but I’m only up to 2 pills a day. The goal is 3/day. I’ll probably make it there at the end of the week.

I want more information than just his guess that I have PCOS. He order a bunch of blood work for me to be done on CD3. Uh yeah, that’s a problem. When the eff is CD3?? I never freakin get a real period. Right now I’m either on CD110+ or CD30something if I count the last time I spotted (off and on for about 3 weeks) as a period. I told him this and asked him if I should take provera. He said sure and wrote me another script. He says I should count any spotting at all as CD1. Ok then.

My appt was a few weeks ago now and I haven’t taken the provera yet. The “what-ifs” get me every time. What if this cycle is the one and only time I’m going to ov this year and I take provera to end the cycle? Missing that non-existent opportunity scares me for some reason. It shouldn’t – I know I’m being stupid. I just need to take it and get on with the blood work. But what if the blood work gives me no additional information again? *sigh*

Overall the appt was fine and I like the office. They were all very nice but no matter how much I told them that I’m not interested in IUI/IVF/etc at this time, that’s still their main focus. I have a feeling he wants to try me on clomid again. I guess I wouldn’t be opposed as long as they monitor follicle growth (or lack of) at the same time.

Week 9 (Goal Reached!)

2009-11-05T10:25:00.002-05:00

FINAL WEEK!!!

Week 9 Instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

Note: Again, (and from now on I think) I only timed the actual jogging portion. Counting the warm-up and "cool down" (walking to get back home or to get back to the car) we probably go an average of .5 miles in addition to the mileage listed below.

Day 1 – 10/29
Run time: 30:12
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 14:20/mi

Day 2 – 11/01
Run time: 30:13
Run Distance: 2.13 miles
Ave Pace: 14:12/mi

Day 3 – 11/03
Run time: 30:13
Run Distance: 2.08 miles
Ave Pace: 14:34/mi

Neither C or I were worried about bumping up to 30 mins. We did repeat week 8 but only because we wanted to keep ramping up very slowly. On Day 1 we weren't intimidated by the 2 extra mins and we were able to push through to 30 mins without much problem.

Right at the beginning of the run on Day 1 the bottom of my right calf/top of my heel (maybe my achilles tendon area?) started hurting. It felt very tight, like it was cramping, and it wasn't an ache, more like a bit sharper pain. I have no idea what it was from. It wasn't really bad, just something I noted. I ran through it and it didn't get any worse, but it didn't get better either. I tried to stretch it out well afterwards. I continued to notice it while just walking around after that.

On Day 1 we went around the little loop (my neighborhood) once, and around the big loop (adjacent neighborhood) three times. On Day 2 we went to a new area of the local bike path. This day was much tougher for some reason. We both felt really tired and C ended up stopping to walk for a min or two near the end. She caught up to me though. Looking at our pace, maybe we were just going slightly faster than usual so we tired more quickly. My achilles tendon area hurt again on this day, but it was a little bit better.

On Day 3 we repeated our course from Day 1. It was very cold and windy out - pretty unpleasant for jogging. I have a zip-up sweatshirt that I wear but half way through my core gets too hot and I have to take it off. However, my thighs and my butt are always freezing! I'm going to have to get something to wear under my jogging pants for the winter.

Day 3 was pretty crappy. Along with the cold and wind, I felt completely uncoordinated and weak. I know this will happen sometimes but it sucked that it happened on the very last day. We wanted to celebrate but instead we had to concentrate to make it all the way through. We usually talk quite a bit but we were pretty quiet on this day trying to make our bodies to what we wanted.

We made it though! Week 9 completed! We are proud!

C and I are celebrating this weekend by going out to dinner at The M.elting Po.t. She's never been and I've only been there once. It should be fun :)

It's really amazing to me, especially if I go back and read posts from the early weeks, that I'm now able to jog without stopping for 30 mins. We even jog for most of the 5 min warm up now, instead of walking.

My achilles tendon pain was yet a bit better on Day 3 and now I'm pretty sure it's gone. At the very beginning (last March/April/May) I had very tender shins but this time around, and all the way through to week 9, I haven't had that issue. My knees I can't quite figure out. I continue to have almost no knee pain when I run but my knees hurt when going up and down stairs. They always did but it seems as if it's a little worse now. It could be just normal aging-with-arthritis stuff. I plan on going to an orthopedist next year if I continue with the running. Just to make sure I'm doing all I can to preserve what health my knees do still have.

The biggest difference I have noticed (I really started to notice in the past few days) is my breathing. I used to breath so hard that I could barely swallow. And I'm not talking on the longer jogs. I'm talking during jogging for 3 or 5 mins this would happen. If I had to swallow, I would breath a few times and then hold my breath while I swallowed quickly. It was unpleasant. Now it's totally different. I don't have to think to swallow anymore. I breath much more easily, even at the end of a 30 min jog.

I haven't ever managed to get back that magic "I could jog forever" pace. I think I've been close a few times. Jogging always with C is a factor I think. We talk which takes more energy and makes it so that I can't inwardly focus very well. I wouldn't change it for the world - I love going with her - but jogging alone seems to be a different experience.

------------------------------------------

So, now my first goal is complete.

My overall goal is still to jog regularly for a year ('till the beginning of Aug 2010), but I need a new short term goal. I'm not sure what it should be yet.

C and I need to figure out what we are going to do now. Should we just continue jogging for 30 mins, 3x, every week? Should we go back to the beginning of the couch to 5k plan and jog for distance this time instead of time? Should we work on jogging more often?

I'm not sure I will ever want to jog for more than maybe 30-45 mins but maybe that will change. I always imagined myself jogging about 3 miles, 3x or 4x per week and that's it. I'm interested in doing 5k's eventually but a 10k? I'm not so sure I'll ever be that good or even have the desire.

Decisions, decisions...

Week 7 and Week 8 (Three Week Summary)

2009-11-03T14:06:00.003-05:00

Whoa, I am still jogging! I know, it's amazing. To me it is anyway :) It's been forever since I've posted an update so here is a summary of the last 3 weeks. The program I'm following is here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(For weeks 7 and 8 the instruction is the same for all three days.)

Week 7 Instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).

Note: Total time for all days on week 7 would be 25 min jog + 5 min warm up = 30 mins. Walking at the end (any time over the 30 mins) throws off our actual pace so days where our pace is crappier were days we walked longer to get home.

Day 1 – 10/8
Run time: 33:48
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 16:01/mi

Day 2 – 10/11
Run time: 38:20
Run Distance: 2.15 miles
Ave Pace: 17:48/mi

On Day 2 we went to a different place to jog. I was hoping it was going to be a bike-path type area in the woods but to our joggy dismay it was more like hiking on a little dirt path with a lot of small hills. The hills killed us - we are not used to doing any incline at all. We had to walk a lot but tried to jog as much as possible. If not for jogging though we would have really enjoyed ourselves. It was a beautiful little spot and only about 5 mins from my house.

Day 3 – 10/13
Run time: 32:01
Run Distance: 2.13 miles
Ave Pace: 15:03/mi

Week 8 Instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).

Note: Total time for all days on week 7 would be 28 min jog + 5 min warm up = 33 mins. This week, to get a sense of our true jogging pace, I started only timing the actual jogging portion and leaving out the warm up and any walking we may do to get home. On Day 2 I wanted to time to 2 miles even because we were almost there at the end of the 28 mins. On Day 3 I'm not sure what I did - possibly timed the warm up but then stopped it right after the 28 min jog was done.

Day 1 – 10/15
Run time: 28:14
Run Distance: 1.89 miles
Ave Pace: 14:55/mi

Day 2 – 10/18
Run time: 30:05
Run Distance: 2.00 miles
Ave Pace: 15:03/mi

Day 3 – 10/20
Run time: 33:15
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 15:09/mi

(Then we did week 8 over again)

Day 4 – 10/22
Run time: 28:07
Run Distance: 1.89 miles
Ave Pace: 14:51/mi

Day 5 – 10/25
Skipped jogging this day. C and I went for a hike instead. We didn't measure it but it was probably ~2 miles total and we tried to walk at a brisk pace the whole way. Took River with us - he was soooo happy to be included and he got to wade in the river a little too.

Day 6 – 10/27
Run time: 28:06
Run Distance: 1.93 miles
Ave Pace: 14:32/mi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C was with me on all days. I mentioned this before but she has really been a huge help for me with sticking with this. We both think it sucks and we both are determined to continue. It is also nice to be able to get together at least three times a week and chat about whatever. I'm truly grateful to have such a great relationship with my sister.

I was able to jog the 25 and 28 min intervals without stopping to walk at all. There are days that are tougher and that we really have to talk ourselves into making it to the very end, but I did them all. C has a tendency to go faster than me; so, on rare occasions she has to stop and walk for a few mins, but that probably only happened once in these three weeks.

We are not working on increasing our speed at all. The intended speed is still very much out of our reach at this point (1.93 miles instead of 2.75 miles on week 8, day 6). We do try to either keep about the same pace or beat our last pace by a bit.

Mostly we jog at night, in my neighborhood and in the adjacent neighborhood, doing different combinations of loops. On the weekends we try to get out (in the daylight *gasp*!) and go someplace different like a bike path or that hiking trail.

On all days, except week 8, day 5, I did anywhere from 100-140 crunches. I'm still not seeing much of any weight loss or clothes fitting me better but I do think my abs are improving a little. While doing the crunches, I can now crunch up higher than I could at the beginning.

I've basically given up on the wall push-ups. I didn't do them at all in these three weeks. We still do a ton of stretching - briefly after the warm-up and then an extended period after jogging. I am paranoid about injuries so I probably do way more stretching than I actually need. IMO you can never have too much (if you are doing them correctly) and plus, it feels good.

Speaking of injuries, there was nothing to report in these last three weeks. There is usually a good amount of pain involved but nothing that sticks around for more than a day.

This all feels both like a big accomplishment (just look how far I've come from a couple months ago! not to mention that I've never exercised regularly before this EVER) and an insignificant accomplishment at the same time. It continues to be so hard to get out there and go, and the jogging is very difficult in the first 5 mins and at the end. Overall though, I think we are proud of what we're doing and we still want to continue.

My Weekend and An Upcoming Appt

2009-10-26T13:51:00.003-04:00

R is traveling for work. He left on Sat (10/24) morning and he'll be home later today. This marks the longest I've been home alone without him. There have been nights when he's had to work, or a weekend day when he was gone and I was home, but I'm usually the one who does the traveling. I travel to NYC for work (though I haven't now since early this year) for multiple days or I go off to visit my grandma and leave for the weekend.

Two nights by myself in our king size bed was weird!

However, I don't mind. I like to be by myself every once in a while and being at home alone for 2 days/2 nights was kind of like "playing house", except opposite. Instead of "playing house" with a "mommy" and a "daddy", I was "playing house" as a bachelorette ;)

Don't get me wrong, I missed R like crazy and can't wait for him to be home tonight so I can give him a kiss and a snuggle!

Of course, I wasn't really alone. River was with me almost every single moment. Velcro-dog that he is. And, C came over for a while on both Sat and Sun.

But at night, I was alone. I pottied the dog, fed the cats, got ready for bed, made sure the house was in night lock-down, and went to sleep... alone. Reading back, this seems silly and like no big deal. I guess it's just the fact that it almost never happens so it was a little adventure.

And I only freaked myself out listening to weird noises a few times! hehe

-----------------------------------------------

C and I had a very nice weekend. On Sat we decided to make a big dinner so we hunted through recipes, made a shopping list, and went shopping. It was rainy all day which = one very bored dog, so I took Riv with us in the car.

We decided on an herb roasted pork loin with onions, apples, and squash. It was delicious. I don't have the recipe with me (it's from a magazine) and I can't find it online or else I'd link to it. The pork was sort of "dry rubbed" with nutmeg, garlic, and sage, then browned in butter and roasted in the oven to finish it off. The apples, onions, and squash were put together with some garlic and honey mustard and baked. There were some things we'd tweek a little if we made it again but it was a very yummy recipe.

We also made spaetzle for a side dish from this recipe. I had never heard of spaetzle before (apparently neither has blogger!) and had just seen it that morning on a foo.d netw.ork show. I love trying new things and it looked like fun to make. It turned out well - like an eggy homemade pasta in butter. yum. I will definitely be making it again. Suggestion: if you try making this, when you remove them from the boiling water, put them in a strainer first, then into the buttered bowl. At first I was getting a lot of excess water in my bowl, even though I was shaking off as much water as I could.

There were big plans to make a pumpkin banana tart for dessert but there was too much food as it was.

We watched Mama Mia while we ate. Very girlie (imo) but I love musicals (and so does C) so it was enjoyed. Funny thing - the main character is named "Sophie" and maybe half way through I turned to C and said "awww Sophie/Sophia is such a cute name!" (C and I talk baby names sometimes) and C shoots me this just slightly worried look. So I said "oh, was that one of your baby names?" and she said "yeah...". Hah poor girl probably thought I was going to steal it from her. Not that she has anything to worry about. Who me? Have a baby? um, not.

On Sun we got together again and made these oatmeal cookies. They are so good! I'm eating one right now (just ate leftovers from Sat's dinner for lunch!) I really like crispy cookies and the orange zest in this recipe adds something really nice. We also went for a hike with River. It was chilly but a really nice day. Ahh autumn... I wish it could stay colorful and crisp outside and just not turn into winter.

I also got laundry done and a whole mess of dishes (since there were dirties before we even started all our crazy cooking! and now there are only a few). It was a very nice weekend.

-----------------------------------------------

So, I POAS this morning. It, of course, was negative. I already knew it would be but I'm a special kind of crazy and I hadn't peed on something since June! haha

Seriously though, I looked back at my FF logs and I haven't had much more than spotting for over a year now. The last day I was able to guess was "CD1" was in July. I am so very broken. I watch those "I didn't know I was pregnant!!" shows and alternate from thinking to myself, "wow, how the heck could that even happen?" to "shit, that could totally happen to me!" No period for months on end? normal. Fatigue? normal. Fluttering/pokes in abdomen? eh, intestinal issues. Cramps? who the f knows. Weight gain? normal (see above weekend food orgy).

If I didn't POAS every once in a while I swear (if some sort of freak miracle occurred), I could end up on that show!

Because of all this, a few weeks ago I made a gyn appt at a new-to-me fertility/gyn clinic. It is for this Wed morning. The place is related to the fertility clinic I went to in the spring of '08 but this one is a non-fertility related gyn in addition to the fertility stuff. The big fertility place was all about getting me pregnant and not about figuring out what's wrong. I want to be pregnant more than anything but ART is not for us right now (and maybe ever). I want them to help me figure out why I barely ever get a period and why (I think) I don't ovulate.

I'm assuming nothing of any value will come from this appt. I'm jaded and I don't believe doctors can solve any of my issues. I've seen doctors for many different things and have been let down so many times. But with a new place comes new possibilities so... maybe it could be the start of something good.

Bloggy Award and Playing "Catch-up"

2009-10-22T13:41:00.004-04:00

Yeesh, I've been away for a while. I'm so late with this but I was tagged for a blog award by Flying Monkeys and Justina. Thanks so much you two! You are both my very first taggers ;)

I can't for the life of me figure out how to get the award pic to show up in this post but the link to it is:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_xW-FcR9yKRA/Ss4EBp1gY1I/AAAAAAAAAV8/NaDfzHaF5-w/s1600-h/Over+the+top+award.jpg

Rules for the Over The Top Award:
- USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I totally agree with Flying Monkeys - parenthetical thoughts don't count!)

- Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2.Your hair? frizzy
3. Your mother? unforgiven
4. Your father? dead
(4a. Your father ('cause I have two)? microbiologist)
5. Your favorite food? thanksgiving
6. Your dream last night? forgotten
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? sahm
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? jogging
11. Your fear? vomit
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? thin
15. Muffins? yum!
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? MA
18. Last thing you did? emailed
19. What are you wearing? glasses
20. Your TV? timesink
21. Your pets? messy
22. Friends? missed
23. Your life? frustrating
24. Your mood? stressed
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? silver
27. Something you’re not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? Williamsb.urg (this is not a store, it's the town in which my favorite store is)
29. Your favorite color? many (I don't really have just one - I like bright colors and earth tones. If you assumed from my clothes the answer would be brown.)
30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? R
33. One place that I go to over and over? work :(
34. One person who emails me regularly? blogger (ok, so that's not really a person)
35. Favorite place to eat? anywhere!

I tag the following people (and I promise I won't be offended if you don't play along, especially because I'm not sure if any of these people have been tagged for this already):
Heather
IF Optimist
kate (Bee in the Bonnet)
Journey Girl
Kate (Living the Dream)
Kate (The Waiting Room; also, she could also use some hugs if you want to stop by her blog)

Hah I know a lot of Kates in blogland apparently!

<<<<<<<<<<@@@@@@@@@@>>>>>>>>>>

I'm still jogging. We just finished week 8 and are going to start week 8 over again tonight. I have two weeks of updates to post. But I haven't quit yet! Just had to put that out there! Our goal day of completing the entire thing is set to be Nov 2nd.

I got some comments on my last post praising me on my motivation. Thanks so much to all of you for the compliment but... Seriously? What motivation?? I really don't feel like I have any motivation at all. Which makes me think, maybe I'm wrong. I suppose I could just not be going out there three times a week. But, all I can think about is that I should be doing BETTER or doing it MORE OFTEN. I dunno...

On most days I have to literally drag myself out there kicking and screaming. I hate going. It hurts, it's so crappy to feel like that for a half hour. But then, afterwards, I feel good. It's so odd. If I didn't have my first goal of getting all the way through this 9 week program I would have quit long ago. Just knowing that it feels good afterwards is not enough to get me out there. C is a huge part of why I haven't given up yet. She is working towards our goal too so on the days one of us is throwing a tantrum (usually me) the other one helps motivate. I might be still doing this if she wasn't going with me, but probably not.

<<<<<<<<<<@@@@@@@@@@>>>>>>>>>>
I have a blogging problem. I read too many blogs (and try to comment as much as I can) to actually update my own blog on a regular basis. I obviously can't read blogs/write posts all day long and I'm having trouble finding a nice balance. Every day I think about posting, but then I end up only reading others' blog posts and then the day is over.

I also have a problem blogging about bad things. I have before but I think really letting it all hang out (so to speak) would be helpful for me. For whatever reason, when I'm really upset, I don't want to hash it all out again. Shame? Denial? I really have no idea.

<<<<<<<<<<@@@@@@@@@@>>>>>>>>>>

I've been feeling really crazy lately. Work is making me lose my mind. The problem is, I don't think it's this job in particular. I think it's just any job mixed with my mental stability. I'm not a good enough writer to explain this well but, most times, when I'm at work, I feel like I just can't handle it all anymore. Stress, anxiety, fear, sadness, restlessness - something is making me go absolutely bonkers at work (and at home when thinking about work). It's not fun and it's making R crazy too having to watch me freak out over and over. I'm thinking about looking for a therapist/counselor/psychologist.

Last week R and I took a week off from work. I felt really happy most of the week. I thought it might help with my craziness but as soon as I got in on Monday, I fell apart again.

<<<<<<<<<<@@@@@@@@@@>>>>>>>>>>

We didn't do anything specific for our vacation. We got some things done that would be harder to do while working. We both went and got eye exams and new glasses - something I haven't done in two years (even longer for R). I cleaned out half of our garage. We hung around and watched TV, played computer games, and just enjoyed not working. It was nice. I wish I could be on vacation forever! :)

<<<<<<<<<<@@@@@@@@@@>>>>>>>>>>

Hmm I have blogging back-up here and there is much more to say but this is getting really long.

Happy ICLW! If you are here reading my blog for the first time and got hit with this post... oops! sorry :)

Week 6 - Day 4, 5, & 6 (More Rain)

2009-10-11T01:02:00.002-04:00

I think this will be a rather quick update - I didn't take many notes for these days.

This past week work has been crazy and I've had to curb my blogging to compensate. I probably didn't curb it quite as much as I should have. Anyway, I was tagged by two different people in the last couple days for my very first blog award (thanks you two!) and I promise I'll get to it very soon.

Week 6 – Day 4 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ¾ mile (or 8 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins).

Day 4 – 10/1
Run time: 33:47
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 15:23/mi

Did 110 crunches but don't remember if I did wall push-ups - probably not. Went to the big loop neighborhood and didn't take River.

We thought this day would be a piece of cake since the last day was jogging 25 mins straight which went well. We were wrong. It proved to be fairly tough for us but we made it through.

Week 6 – Day 5 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog 1 mile (or 10 mins).

Day 5 – 10/3
Run time: 18:23
Run Distance: 1.28 miles
Ave Pace: 14:20/mi

No clue if I did any crunches on this day - I don't think so.

Notice anything wrong with the above stats? Yep. This was the first day in 8.5 weeks that we threw in the towel. Or, more like, grabbed a towel.

We noticed lightning while we were doing the 5 min warm up. C was worried but I shrugged it off. It seemed only slightly cloudy out, no big deal. We went out to the big loop neighborhood (was that thunder accompanying the lightning? uh oh.), got about half way through the first 10 min jog and it started raining. sigh. Neither of us was up for getting completely soaked again and it wasn't just a sprinkle. We jogged the rest of the 10 mins but started making our way back to the house. It kept raining harder so we jogged about half of the 3 min walk time. That got us all the way back home, we came inside (about half wet), stretched and called it a night.

Week 6 – Day 6 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking.

Day 6 – 10/5
Run time: 31:48
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 15:03/mi

Did 110 crunches but no wall push ups and didn't take River with us.

This day was tougher than our last 25 min jog but we made it jogging the whole time. It didn't even rain - amazing.

Overall, this week was basically pain free besides normal muscle soreness. The pain in my right calf that began after week 6, day 3 improved through-out the week and was not much of an issue. However, the day after the day 6, 25 min jog (10/6) was very painful. My left hip, all the way down to my foot, and my right calf ached like a bitch the whole day. It was the worst, most uncomfortable pain I've had so far. It was not a sharp pain like I injured myself, just a dull ache that would not go away. I was kind of worried. But, the next day it was all but gone.

Hmm this was longer than I thought it would be. We are on Week 7 now and it's proving to be a crappy week so far. Hopefully it'll get better!

Week 6 - Day 1, 2, & 3 (Shower in the Street)

2009-10-05T14:49:00.004-04:00

We did not repeat week 5. Jogging 20 mins straight gave us enough confidence that we felt ready to go on to week 6.

Week 6 – Day 1 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ¾ mile (or 8 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins).

Day 1 – 9/24
Run time: 32:04
Run Distance: 2.13 miles
Ave Pace: 15:05/mi

Did 110 crunches and 45 wall push-ups, in sets of 15, with stretching in between.

River went with us for the entire jog. We went across to the adjacent neighborhood to jog the bigger loop. There were a lot of barking dogs and cars to navigate because we went out a bit earlier than we usually do. It was pretty annoying, especially with River along, but we made it.

It was warmer out that it had been so that brought back some sweat-in-the-eyes awesomeness.

C pulled way out in front on every jogging interval. I felt really crappy (not because of her pulling ahead) – like I weighed 400lbs – and was barely jogging at some points. blah. I still had no pain though, only sore muscles.

Week 6 – Day 2 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog 1 mile (or 10 mins).

Day 2 – 9/27
Run time: 31:51
Run Distance: 2.13 miles
Ave Pace: 14:56/mi

Didn’t do crunches or push-ups and didn’t bring River with us.

It had been raining all evening. We knew we had no choice but to jog in the rain. We couldn’t even post-pone until the next day because it was supposed to rain then too.

But we had no idea how hard it was actually raining until we got out there. It was POURING. Oh my gosh, we got completely soaked. It was crazy.

C and I both wear glasses. On the warm up we could hardly see anything – our glasses were wet and fogged up. So, we decided to leave our glasses behind after stretching. This was really weird. I wear my glasses at all times so I felt like I didn’t have a shirt on or something – naked. However, we couldn’t see anything anyway. There was so much water pouring down our faces, we might as well have been holding our heads under a running faucet.

We thought about giving up MANY times that night. It was so uncomfortable to be jogging in that much rain. But we made it the entire time (we both stopped once, for a few seconds each, because of an oncoming car that we were trying to navigate safely).

I couldn’t have gotten any wetter if I had jumped into a pool. Afterwards, I just sat down in the driveway, in the pouring rain, to stretch. I figured why the hell not.

When we were all done it started thunder storming. Hah.

Week 6 – Day 3 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking.

Day 3 – 9/29
Run time: 36:37
Run Distance: 2.37 miles
Ave Pace: 15:26/mi

Did 110 crunches but no wall push ups. Did not take River with us.

We planned to go out early for this but it was raining again so we post-poned a bit. I was watching the weather radar map like a hawk, hoping it would stop at least for a little while.

It finally stopped raining (yay!) so out we went. We went to the adjacent neighborhood again. I’m liking jogging over there much better than my little loop. I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll get bored with that neighborhood and want to branch out again.

This day was very chilly. I haven’t bought warmer jogging gear yet (like, a long-sleeved shirt ;)) so my arms were Cold. Luckily (?) I forgot all about my cold arms once I was tired and sore.

We actually jogged 25 mins straight!

Apparently 25 mins for us right now is 2.5 times around the adjacent neighborhood plus the time it takes to get to that neighborhood from my driveway.

I’m still amazed by the fact that we can jog 25 mins straight but I also regularly feel crappy enough to be sad I’m not making better progress. Doing the 25 mins seemed easier at the end than the 20 mins, so I guess I am making a little progress.

C and I did well chatting a lot of the time and making each other laugh (which makes the time go by faster).

Our pace of 15:26/mile seems off from what we have been doing but it is skewed by the fact that we walked a lot farther (~7 mins instead of the usual ~2 mins) after jogging to get back home. I think we would have been at our usual pace or below.

Apparently the pain free jogging has come to an end. I had Very sore calves after this jog, which is fine and expected, but I also noticed a new pain in the front of my left leg. It’s below the knee and to the left of my shin. It's painful to walk sometimes but gets better quickly (I’m not limping or anything). I’m sure it’s some muscle I fatigued on the longer than normal jog – I’m not worried about it. Just noting it here for reference.

Next installment is repeating week 6. (Week 7 is jogging 25 mins all three days - s c a r y.)

Great Day at the Fair

2009-09-29T09:54:00.008-04:00

On Saturday (9/26), C and I went to the Big E. We left our whiny significant others at home so we could thoroughly enjoy ourselves without feeling like we needed to leave early or entertain them :)

And good thing we did because R would have been upset right from the get-go. We waited in traffic for an HOUR in order to make it to the parking area. It was crazily busy that day.

This is us at a complete stand-still.

When we finally arrived we could not wait for some fair food! These are our favorite - fried cheddar cheese curds. YUM. We split an order so we would have room for everything else we wanted to eat!

Then we split an order of some of the best onion rings I've ever had.

The baby animals in the exhibit buildings always draw huge crowds. We had to wiggle our way in to get a shot of these guys. So cute.

There are many little craft booths at this fair. There was one with these miniature lighted buildings with appropriate miniature objects inside. This was was a little pool hall. Fascinating.

Different new england states have their own buildings. Inside the buildings are informational booths, people selling things specific to that state, artsy displays and FOOD. (For example, the Vermont building has a B.en and Jerr.y stand selling ice cream.

The Maine building has a baked potato bar that is incredibly popular. C and I waited in a huge long line for ~20 mins for these...

My absolute favorite ride at fairs is the swings. I, of course, dragged C along for a ride!

The view from the air.

Every year they have a butter sculpture. I've seen these at other fairs as well - like the New York State Fair. The one this year was impressive. You can't really tell from the pic but it is a large sculpture. The tallest tree was probably about 4 to 5 ft tall.

They have all sorts of animals and host many shows.

Loved the colors of this game. I like to play the silly games but usually don't want to waste the money. (hey, I could use that $3 on more food!)

There was a camel in the petting zoo area.

And lots of goats and sheep. We were petting a donkey (not pictured below) that kept knocking over the food dispenser on purpose. It was so cute, like he was trying to tell us to stop petting and start giving him treats already. We complied :)

We ate so much more food - we split a cream puff, and I had a corn dog and some salmon on a stick (sounds gross but it was tasty if you like salmon). We also split some blueberry soda from one of the state buildings. Delicious.

We both bought bags of maple cotton candy to bring home for the guys.

The weather was very nice. It got nice and chilly when the sun went down which is great when you are standing in large groups of people. We stayed until ~9:30pm and made it out without getting stuck in too much traffic (although we did kind of get lost trying to find I90! oops).

We had a blast :)

Week 5 - Day 1, 2, & 3 (The Dreaded 20)

2009-09-25T16:00:00.003-04:00

Week 5 – Day 1 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins).

Day 1 – 9/17
Run time: 29:30
Run Distance: 1.93 miles
Ave Pace: 15:15/mi

Did 100 crunches but no wall push-ups. (Not sure why I gave up on the push-ups. I keep meaning to do them again.)

It was very cool on this day. My arms were so cold but my core was warm. C and I joke that we’re going to get leg warmers and wear them on our arms as the weather gets colder. What’s that you say? Just buy a long-sleeved shirt?? Um, that would be WAY too easy! ;)

I was hoping to get my magic rhythm back but I don’t think I ever quite got there. It was harder to tell since I was talking to C and that makes me expend more energy too. It wasn’t as easy as week 4, day 6 but it wasn’t bad either. Breathing-wise, I felt pretty good. I did have some very sore leg and butt muscles by the end of the last 5 min jog – youch! Sore muscle pain is no big deal for me though – I can easily push through it with the thought, “yay it hurts because it’s WORKING!” (The toughest things for me are being uncomfortable/fatigued and breathing.)

C said it was about the same difficulty for her as that last day she went (week 4, day 5) but she didn’t have any specific pain – just sore muscles.

Still great on the pain front – go bum knee, go!!

Week 5 – Day 2 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ¾ mile (or 8 mins), Walk ½ mile (or 5 mins), Jog ¾ mile (or 8 mins).

Day 2 – 9/19
Run time: 30:09
Run Distance: 2.00 miles
Ave Pace: 15:05/mi

Did 75 crunches but no wall push-ups.

This day was a big mile-stone for C and I. We are really getting sick/bored of jogging around my neighborhood loop so we have decided to change it up a little. Saturdays are a great day to do this because we have plenty of time to get in the car and go somewhere else.

Day 2 was our very first time jogging somewhere else AND it was our very first time jogging in the daylight (ugh, my eyes! Too bright! grah, YOUR eyes! Don’t look directly at the jiggling!)!

We went to a nearby bike path that is nicely surrounded by trees (not directly next to a busy rd) and is parallel to a river. There were a good number of people around but jogging past people didn’t bother me as much as I thought it might.

It was a beautiful day – cool and breezy. However, never having jogged in the day before, we realized it can get pretty warm while jogging in the sun. (duh.) We used the shady bits to push ourselves when the going got tough – “just get to this next shady area and we are almost done!” The change of scenery was nice, it made time go faster.

I left River at home. He can be obnoxious while walking on a leash with people and other pets around – he wants to sniff them all and get as close to them as possible – so I didn’t want to have to worry about him and worry about jogging at the same time. I do feel bad when I don’t take him, the more experience he gets the better he’ll behave.

We did very well. We had to push ourselves but had no problem jogging for the entire intervals.

After running we went home to shower and then went out again to a spa and got hour-long Swedish massages. It was my bday gift to C. She had never had a massage before. I wish I could have one every day. I LOVE them so much.

Week 5 – Day 3 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog 2 miles (or 20 mins), with no walking.

Day 3 – 9/21
Run time: 30:05
Run Distance: 2.02 miles
Ave Pace: 14:55/mi

Did 100 crunches but no wall push-ups. No river on this day either.

Whoa, 20 mins already?!

C didn’t think she could do it. I was a bit more positive as I had done it before in the spring. I told her she would be surprised and that I knew we could do it.

To change it up a bit more, we jogged away from my house to an adjacent neighborhood. It gave us some change of scenery and also made it so we didn’t know how long we had been jogging. Since we’ve been jogging my neighborhood loop for so long, we know how long it takes to go certain distances, which makes the time seem longer.

We had to push like crazy to keep going at the end – it was very challenging.

But we did it!

And we got down below a 15min/mile pace. We were very pleased with ourselves at the end.

I got a cramp in my right lung area in the last min or so of the jog but I kept going and it subsided quickly after jogging was over.

This was the last day I did back in the spring before I quit. I’m not quitting again. I’m determined to get to week 9 and I have C now to push me as well. She actually said after we jogged the 20 mins, “Well you can’t quit again, we’ve come too far.”

And I Totally Agree.

Bad Flow

2009-09-23T14:53:00.005-04:00

This post probably won't flow very well. I don't know why but I have a need to make every post as readable as possible. That's one of my big issues with posting, why I don't post as often as I'd like, and why I have to edit so much after I write something. I'm a weird kind of lazy perfectionist I suppose.

I stayed up way too late last night basically for no reason. I have work I NEED to be doing but I'm just having the hardest time actually doing it. I'm avoiding, and day dreaming, and reading blogs, and doing other, less important work. Ugh. Procrastination is a horrible thing.

I feel like crap today too. And not just because I didn't get my normal amount of sleep. I feel so uncomfortable and stressed and anxious. I need to have all my work done and go for a walk or take a nap or something. I don't even want to eat, which is weird for me. Everything sounds bleh right now. I had a piece of mushroom pizza for lunch - it was ok but I should probably have skipped lunch all together.

Filming for the movie started today and I watched several different scenes being shot - car chase(s) - all from my office window. Of course I forgot my camera but I don't think the pics would have been too interesting anyway. It was fun to watch tons of cars all driving backwards down the road to re-set scenes. There was a lot of gun fire and a couple car spin-outs as well (they drive a water truck through and wet down the necessary parts of the road). Pretty interesting stuff.

I now know that being an extra in a movie would be a really boring, tedious job :) Not to say I wouldn't probably jump at the chance but ugh, I watched these people walk the same stretch of sidewalk over and over with long waits in between each take.

The filming lightened up my day but only added to my procrastination.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<<<<>>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, if you don't wish to hear intimate details about my period - don't read any further! You have been warned.

*we are now boarding the Infertility Pity Boat - please put on your life vests*

I think, at this point, I have basically given up all hope on this baby-making business. I really do.

I have been thinking about this lately and I really don't ever see myself getting pregnant and I no longer feel like anything I do will make me able to conceive (the old fashion way).

In the last year, since Sept 14th 2008, I've had... 6 periods.

6.

They aren't what I would consider "normal" either. Even though I know everyone is different, I don't think these are even in the normal range. My periods are usually extremely light - think, only ever need barely a pantyliner - and can last anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. Ugh it's so frustrating.

My last one lasted 3 days and was back in July. Right now I'm on CD 62.

How is something not incredibly wrong with me?!

I'm so so so fed up with my body :(

When I was on BC pills I got the heaviest periods ever. I didn't even know they could be so heavy. I cramped like an SOB too. I don't cramp at all normally. I'm obviously far from being a doctor but those facts alone say to me that I don't produce (or can't use) the correct hormones that affect a normal cycle.

Any doctor I've ever been to, even the RE, has told me that I'm too fat and that's why I can't get pregnant. Apart from run of the mill blood tests (which never show a damn thing) no one will bother to look deeper into my issue. It's almost as if I don't matter because I have a crappy BMI.

My only option is to lose weight and dieting affects me mentally. I eat when I'm sad or stressed or bored (or procrastinating other things *grumble*)- not good, I know. This is why I started running. At least it was one of the major reasons. I thought if I could exercise on a regular basis and work on limiting my portions I would at least lose a little.

Well, I've been exercising regularly for 7 weeks now and I've lost NOTHING. Sigh. Just writing about this makes me want to cry.

Ok, I'm done dwelling on this today - back to ignoring it and... procrastinating.

Strange Happenings (and Happy ICLW!)

2009-09-21T15:38:00.002-04:00

First I want to say Happy ICLW! :) If this is your first time at my blog, you can learn more about me from reading my timeline (in the side bar) and reading this post that I wrote last month for ICLW.

Now on to the weirdness…

<<<<<<<<<<@>>>>>>>>>>

On Friday morning R and I were on our way to work, about to turn left onto a small side street that has access to our parking garage, when an incident occurred. DT Al.bany is a busy place in the mornings – there are a lot of people on the sidewalks and cars all over the place.

There was a truck turning left, from this small side street, on to our street, so R waited for it to turn in front of us before turning (this was not technically the right of way rule but R was being nice and trying to get the truck out of his way).

At the same time, there was a woman with a seeing-eye dog on the sidewalk approaching the crosswalk across this side street. (No walk lights or traffic lights here – the intersection is very small.) I happened to be watching her because I love dogs and dogs being trained for service interest me. I couldn’t tell if she was blind but she probably was - she also seemed to be training the dog (telling it when to stop and when to go).

She got to the crosswalk around the same time as the truck was turning out in front of us. She stopped at the street because if she didn’t, she would have walked right into the truck.

After the truck turned, the road was clear and she could have crossed. By that time we had been waiting to turn for a while and people were backing up behind us. We, of course, waited for her to cross for a while, but she never did. We were blocking traffic and R made the decision to turn, since the woman and her dog were still very much on the sidewalk. My thought at this time was that she was wanting to wait until most of the traffic dissipated (including us).

Unfortunately, as soon as R committed to the turn, and was at the crosswalk, the woman and the dog decided to start crossing.

Bad situation all around. Looking back, for maximum safety, maybe R should have waited in the road until whenever she decided to cross since she was most likely blind and wasn’t able to tell we were there.

But, R made the decision he thought was correct at the time, a decision I probably would have made as well with the available information.

This sounds ominous but nothing bad happened. We went through the crosswalk ahead of her at the same time she and her dog were also in the crosswalk – probably about 10 feet away from us. If we had stopped when we saw her start walking, we would have been right in her way, in the middle of the crosswalk.

That brings us to the “strange” part of the story.

We parked and as we were getting our stuff from the back seat, a car pulled up behind us. He wasn’t parking, just pulled up and stopped in the middle of the driving area of the parking garage.

He had his window rolled down and began yelling at us that we almost hit a blind lady – didn’t we see her?! we created a very dangerous situation!! what kind of terrible people were we?? and on and on… It completely surprised us and we are both not ones to roll over and show our bellies to people being assholes for no reason. We yelled right back that he had no reason to be confronting us. Finally, I told him to move along since he was holding up traffic behind him by then. He rolled his eyes at us, but he moved along.

We thought that was the end of it. But, as we were crossing the street outside the parking garage to our building the same guy runs (literally) up behind us, confronts R and calls him a “fat f*ck”.

We start yelling at him again to leave us alone and mind his own business. I asked him why he thought he needed to confront strangers because he thought they made a mistake – “You’ve never made any mistakes??” He said “DID I SAY THAT!?” I yelled that he was a self righteous asshole.

He was very physical, and while he never touched either of us, we could both tell he wanted to. He was right in R’s face, as close as possible without touching, and he kept shoving his finger at me like he wanted to push me. It was all bizarre. I am NOT afraid of people like this and I yell right back. Maybe not so great to do, especially if he was violent but that’s just how I am.

The guy followed us into our building (we think he might work here too) and kept arguing with us until we got in the elevator. Most of what was said is all a blur of adrenaline now. As we got in the elevator, the arguing was dying down (it was mostly just between him and me at that point) and I told him that I hoped he wasn’t going to be an asshole for the rest of his life. And as the elevator doors were closing, I told him, in a calm voice, that we really felt sorry for him. I wanted this guy to feel bad that he caused conflict about something that was in no way his business. And I do feel sorry for him on some level – he must be a very sad/angry person to want to start shit with total strangers over something that had nothing to do with him.

Seriously? What did he expect to accomplish by yelling at people who were involved in an unfortunate situation? R is a very good driver and would never have done anything to put this woman in danger. Sometimes close calls just happen. I’m obviously still angry at this guy because writing this out made me want to yell at him some more. I can’t help thinking about what this guy wanted us to do? Say we were sorry… to him?? I just don’t know.

<<<<<<<<<<@>>>>>>>>>>

There is going to be some disruption here in DT Alb.any starting this week.

C.olumbia Pic.tures is apparently shooting some of a movie here and will be closing various streets all around our building from 7am – 7pm off and on for the next couple weeks. If you are interested in this type of thing you can read the little blurb they sent to us here.

While this has the potential to be very annoying, it also has the potential to be very exciting/interesting. One street that will be closed off is the main street right outside my office window. I’m hoping I get some good views :)

I’m going to start bringing my camera to work just in case.

(and hey, maybe jerkface will confront us again and I can snap his pic and post it all over the internet! hah)

Week 4 - Day 4, 5, & 6 (Rhythm Revelation)

2009-09-17T14:18:00.002-04:00

C and I both agreed that we would re-do week 4 again. We just weren't ready to move on to week 5 because the last day of week 5 is jogging for 20 min with no walking. *gasp*

Week 4 instruction recap: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 secs), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 2 ½ mins), Jog ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 secs), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins)

Day 4 – 9/10
Run time: 30:01
Run Distance: 1.94 miles
Ave Pace: 15:28/mi

Did 100 crunches but no wall push-ups.

It was very chilly on day 4. C even wore some extra layers but I was fine. My arms are what gets cold first and I hardly noticed.

This day was very trying. I was in the "ugh I'm never going to make it through all the jogs" mentality and really had to push or try to zone out and not think about the fact that I couldn't breath in order to make it to the end. All the while C was doing great. She was pulling ahead in every jogging interval and ended up wayyy out in front of me by the end of the last 5 min interval. I don't mind when she does this, we both have to go at our own pace, but it definitely discouraged me a little. I have at least 70 lbs on her so it's only reasonable to expect that she will progress faster than I will. She didn't say anything to me at the time but she went home that night and told her fiance that she really pushed herself and that she thought she was improving. Her improving is great - it means she will be more into going again and it will all contribute to our motivation.

Day 5 – 9/12
Run time: 30:39
Run Distance: 1.95 miles
Ave Pace: 15:42/mi

Did 75-100 crunches (I lost count because I was trying to talk to C at the same time) and 45 wall push-ups in sets of 15 (with stretching in between each set).

Day 5 was much warmer than chilly day 4. It had been off and on raining all day so the ground was wet and it was humid - bleh. Not good outdoor running conditions. This day absolutely SUCKED and was very discouraging. We both were having a difficult time pushing ourselves to keep going. C's legs were hurting her (I think she might have pushed herself too hard on day 4). I completed all the jogging intervals (hating every single second of it!) but C walked about 45 secs in the middle of the last 5 min jog.

We aren't even sure why it was so bad. I was so fatigued - no idea why - and C was in pain.

Day 6 – 9/14
Run time: 33:54
Run Distance: 2.21 miles
Ave Pace: 15:23/mi

Did 100 crunches and I forgot to write it down but I don't think I did any wall push-ups.

On Day 6, C instant messaged me and told me her legs were still hurting and she was feeling crappy so she was going to skip running. I was totally fine with it. I really don't want her to hurt herself so if she needs a bit longer of a recovery period that's cool with me. Weirdly, I never, not even once!, thought of skipping too. I'm very proud of this. In fact, as soon as I got home I changed from my work clothes into my jogging clothes to give myself even less of a reason not to go.

I had read earlier that day that positive thinking really goes a long way with running so I decided to try it. I'm usually a big complainer, especially when C is with me. I started out my warm up telling myself that I was going to do better. That I was going to do well and make it easily to the end. I have no idea if this actually helped but I plan to continue this positive thinking!!

The weather was perfect - not chilly, not warm, not humid, with a slight breeze. So nice.

I took River out with me while I was putting on my shoes and amazingly he pooed, so I decided to take him along. (He eats dinner right before and it is inevitable that if I take him and he hasn't gone already, he will. I have not been taking him at all because I am unwilling to stop while he poos in someone's yard and then finish exercising while holding a bag of poo - yuck.) I ended up keeping him with me the entire time and he did awesome, walking right beside me most of the time.

Usually the warm up is fast walking once around the neighborhood loop. This takes about 5 mins 30 secs. I had been telling C I think we should add some jogging to our warm up and she agreed. I jogged until I was breathing a bit faster, then slowed down to walk, and did this over and over, making the warm up 5 mins even.

The first 3 min and 5 min jogging interval were ok. Not horrible but I was definitely struggling to catch my breath by the end of both.

Then, something amazing happened.

Something I can only describe as "finding my rhythm". On the second 3 min jog interval I happened to jog at a pace that was perfect for me. I was breathing hard and sweating but I was not gasping to catch my breath! It was really unbelievable. I've been doing this now for 6 weeks (and this spring for 9 weeks) and never once had this ever happened before. I felt like I could have kept jogging like that forever. I finished the interval and thought "holy crap, was that just a fluke?" I believed it was but I was definitely wishing to repeat it.

And I did.

I found the magical pace on the second 5 min jog interval as well. I had no problem jogging the whole time and again felt like I could just keep going forever. It was the first time in this whole experience so far that I really could see myself doing this long term and not dreading every minute of it. I was so happy that I walked a bit further for a cool down than normal (which is why my distance is greater than it has been before).

Day 6 was a hugely rewarding experience. I actually enjoyed jogging for about 10 mins of my life! :)

Tonight is the start of week 5. Day 1 is really not that much of an increase so I'm looking forward to it. I'm really hoping I can find that magical pace again and that it all wasn't just in my head...

If you are a runner, have you ever experienced anything similar?

Feelings, Fruit, and Forgetting

2009-09-14T17:03:00.002-04:00

Everyday, when faced with work, I want to throw a tantrum. I want to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming and yelling “I don’t want to do this! Noooooo! I’m not listening to you!! You can’t make me! I’m not going to do it!” Wahhhhhhhh

But I can’t do that. I’m not 3, I’m 33. I have to have a job to pay for my car, and my house, and my pets, and my food, and my clothes. I don’t want to be an adult but I have to be. I have no choice.

But I DO. I do have a choice.

I choose to drive a car, live in my nice house, and buy the things I want to buy, when I want to buy them.

I should just be able to choose to be happy and not stressed, too. Sadly, all too often, my mind does things I don’t want. Sometimes I feel out of control. I can think logically but I FEEL incorrectly. I feel sad or irritated or stressed or anxious when I know I really have no reason to.

--> I love R but I snap at him and act like a bitch.

--> I am sitting at home relaxing while watching TV on a Sunday night but at the same time completely stressed out at the thought of having to go to work the next morning.

--> I am sitting in a theatre watching an entertaining movie, or taking a shower, or eating at a restaurant, and feel like something is WRONG. The whole world is slightly off.

Can you choose to stop feelings like that? I wish I knew how.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We went apple picking yesterday. It was a beautiful day – crisp air and slightly cloudy, like rain was a few hours away. Apples were 50 cents a lb and I bought somewhere between 6 and 8 lbs of them. Yum.

Of course, as soon as C and I got there, got our bags, started walking toward the trees, I grabbed C’s arm and said, “Crap! I forgot to bring the camera!”

I’m going to make applesauce. Maybe I’ll take pics of that ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was something else I wanted to write about but I can’t remember now… I have to get some work done *trying to squash brewing tantrum* and then I’m leaving.

Before 6 damnit.

Week 4 - Day 1, 2, & 3 (Small Improvements)

2009-09-11T16:35:00.002-04:00

Week 4 instruction: Brisk five-minute warm up walk then: Jog ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 secs), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins), Walk ¼ mile (or 2 ½ mins), Jog ¼ mile (or 3 mins), Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 secs), Jog ½ mile (or 5 mins).
Day 1 – 9/3
Run time: 30:34
Run Distance: 1.92 miles
Ave Pace: 15:55/mi

Also did 100 crunches and 45 wall push-ups (in sets of 15 with stretching in between each) on this day after the post-run stretching.

It warmed up a bit from last week but still a very manageable temp.

Thank goodness this day was MUCH better than the last days of week 3. That made me feel a bit better. Bumping up to the 5 min jogs was easier than I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, the 5 mins were difficult and unpleasant but C and I were able to push through them without thinking of giving up. Had hardly any pain at all.

Day 2 – 9/5
Run time: 30:30
Run Distance: 2.02 miles
Ave Pace: 15:07/mi

Did 100 crunches but no wall push-ups.

This day was the same temp as day 1, warmer but not too bad. Difficulty about the same as day 1 as well. I started to get a stitch in my left lung area during the first 3 min jog but it went away during the first 5 min jog. C was experiencing a lot of pain on this day – she said thigh and calf pain. I worry ‘cause I don’t want her to hurt herself but I have to trust her to know her own limits I guess. I always ask her about her pain and talk about ways she could do things differently. I think she needs a new pair of running shoes because she is using my really old sneakers currently. But, knowing her, she won’t buy any until she is forced to.

Day 3 – 9/8
Run time: 30:01
Run Distance: 1.96 miles
Ave Pace: 15:18/mi

I forgot to write any notes for this day but I think it was about the same difficulty for me as the other two – unpleasant but doable. I did do the 100 crunches but again, no wall push-ups.

C usually pulls ahead of me in the jogging intervals and then I either run a bit longer to catch up or she walks really slow to let me catch up. On day 3 she was still pulling ahead a bit but on the last jog interval she had to stop and walk for a bit. That was one of the only times I’ve ever gotten ahead of her. She recovered and then jogged the rest.

Overall, we weren’t ready to move on to week 5 but week 4 (day 1, 2, & 3) was definitely better than the last week. I’m not as discouraged as I was.

The WORK Pity Boat Ride

2009-09-09T13:29:00.004-04:00

(This is just a bunch of bitching - feel free to skip)

Ugh, I am in such a rut at work. I feel lucky to have a good paying job but arrrggg {frustrated scream} I really hate it right now. I come in to work and just sit here marinating in the fact that I hate being here and hate doing what I have to do. I end up desperately trying to find other things to do to distract me from being miserable and then I'm even more miserable because I didn't do what I needed to do while I was at work. sigh

I can't even figure out exactly why I hate it so much.

Do I hate my boss? Not really - she annoys me sometimes but she is generally nice and understanding. I feel comfortable talking to her about problems and projects alike.

Do I hate doing the tasks I have to do? Not really - I know how to do things pretty well and I know how to figure the things out that I don't know well. The day to day stuff should be easy.

Do I hate time entry? Hell YES. I absolutely hate having to account for every minute of every day. Oh, were you just doing three things at once for the past 36 mins? Ok, figure out how much time to allocate to each thing and write a coherent description for each. IT DRIVES ME INSANE.

Do I hate the hours? Normally, no, but there is always the possibility for the hours to be brutal. Generally my hours are 9ish to 6ish (pm), Mon through Fri. I'd rather start earlier and end earlier but 9-6 isn't that bad. I also have a lot of flexibility. I'm able to come in late without much problem and take hour long lunches if I want and even work from home on occasion. The problem is that people in my position are on call basically 24 hours a day. We are expected to keep an eye on email all day long. If a request comes in at 6pm, too bad, I really should stay to take care of it. I have the possibility of working every single weekend. Sure, I can tell my team that I won't be available on a certain day or a certain weekend but I can't get away with that every time. The fact that I have to be aware of work almost at all times makes it impossible to separate home and work. I feel like I'm at work all the time, even when things are slow. Things have been pretty slow for the last couple months so I've only rarely been doing work at night or on the weekends but the monitoring is still there.

Do I hate the people I work with? Generally, no. There are a few though that annoy the shit out of me. Luckily, lately I haven't been working with those particular people. However, lately I haven't been working with anyone at all really. This leaves me feeling cut off and alone. I'd much rather have a nice balance between working on some things alone and working with a team on other things.

Do I hate my commute? I don't mind working in downtown Albany but the drive to work is ~30 mins which is longer than I'd like. A 30 min commute really isn't bad but it adds an hour to an already 9 (or more) hour work day. I'd just rather be at home. Also, because we have to be gone for 10+ hours a day, and because of River's breed, I don't want him to be alone for that long all 5 days a week. We take him 3 or 4 days a week to a woman who does doggie day-care in her home. This choice adds about 30-45 mins to the commute which really sucks.

Do I hate sitting at a desk for ~9 hours a day? Yep. It's uncomfortable and causes me a considerable amount of pain. My restlessness at work is definitely helped by running though so at least that's less than it used to be.

Feeling this way is really having an impact on my life. I'm stressed and unhappy a lot of the time. If something work related comes up on a weekend, it practically ruins the whole day for me. I just hate having to think about work at all. I delay going to bed on weeknights because I don't want the next morning to come and have to go to work again. This means I stay up really late, don't go to bed with R (which is sad - less cuddle time) and then am really tired the next day (or really late to work when I over sleep to compensate). I feel like everything is totally fucked up right now.

Now I'm going to try to convince myself that there are good things and that I really need to drop this hate.

I'm lucky to have a job at all.
I'm lucky that this job pays really well - especially because it pays much more than I could ever hope to make in another job with my skills/college degree.
I'm lucky that R works at the same job. I get certain special treatment because of this (unblocked internet access for one) that I would not otherwise get. I also know more about the company as a whole from getting to see his perspective which is very different from mine.
I'm lucky because I will probably be able to keep this job for a long time.
I'm lucky that I have my own office with an actual window. (My job before this was in a cubicle farm in the middle of a large office space and I couldn't see any windows at all.)
I'm lucky that most of the people I work with are very nice.
I'm lucky that the job has as much flexibility as it does.

I really need to find a way to snap myself out of this!

I need to just accept work and lose all the hate and stress.

Week 3 – Day 4, 5, & 6 (Why isn’t this getting easier?)

2009-09-03T17:03:00.002-04:00

Week 3 instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds), Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds), Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes), Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Day 4 – 8/27
Run time: 25:30
Run Distance: 1.61 miles
Ave Pace: 15:50/mi

Day 5 – 8/30
Run time: 30:47
Run Distance: 1.89 miles Ave Pace: 16:15/mi

Day 6 – 9/1
Run time: 26:03
Run Distance: 1.60 miles
Ave Pace: 16:18/mi

C (my sister) and I repeated week 3 this past week. We can do all of the required running intervals but all three days really sucked. It was nice and cool, almost chilly on day 3, so it definitely wasn’t the weather. We didn’t want to go on any of the days but it is much easier to go when we both are accountable to each other. I felt mostly tired and uncomfortable each day, ranging from ok at the beginning to “ugh, I’m gonna die” at the end.

The third day my right knee and shin really started to hurt by the end of the last run. I pushed through though so it couldn’t have been too bad. That night my knee was not feeling good at all but it was almost completely better by the next day.

On Day 3 I upped my crunches to 100 and my wall push-ups to 40. I read recently to stretch between sets of push-ups so I’m going to change it to sets of 15 with a stretch in between.

I’m annoyed that this past week sucked so much. It's really discouraging.

I went back and read my archives from this spring and it seems that this same number of weeks in (which was week 2.1 last time) was pretty bad for me then as well. Maybe there is something to that. I dunno…

Tonight we start Week 4. I hope it gets better soon.

Weekend Wedding

2009-09-01T16:45:00.009-04:00

Being at work after a long weekend or vacation always sucks. I’m not busy at all but I sure don’t want to be here.

Let’s focus on the positive, shall we?

We had a really nice, long weekend. We took off Friday and Monday (yesterday) from work in order to attend a friend’s wedding out of state.

On Friday we dropped River off at the dog-sitter and set off a little after 12pm for OH. It is a 7.5 hour trip. We do well on road trips. I really like road trips but have noticed a little car sickness coming on in the past few years. I don’t like getting older. I just try to ignore it. It’s the worst when I’m trying to alternate between reading and looking outside over and over. Like reading a map and navigating. Urp. Bleh.

We took R’s car so he ended up driving the whole way. I did offer to drive but it never happened. I am a better passenger and he is a better driver anyway, so it works out. In my world the passenger is supposed to shuffle things around in the car for the driver and be alert if the driver needs help. An empty food wrapper? Here, let me take that! I’m good at this… R, not so much. I have to ask him to do things for me when I drive. I know it’s not just in my head because when I drive with my sister she is always right on top of all the passenger duties. Maybe it’s a woman thing ;)

Friday night we got to OH, checked into our hotel (which was nice; we could see the water from our window), and met a couple friends for dinner. It was delicious and the service was great. I started with an awesome french onion soup. (Oddly, I’ve been craving onions lately… when I was a kid I hated them, then I graduated to an indifference to them, and now I love them.) Onion rings were also ordered. They were the thick kind and, even though I prefer thin ones, they were good. The salads were good, with a light herb vinaigrette. My main course was a perfectly cooked, medium-rare, peppercorn crusted steak with a chardonnay sauce and cheddar mashed potatoes. Mmmmmmm

Needless to say, we ate way too much.

That night R slept very little because he forgot to bring a fan (he has to have background noise to sleep and it drives me crazy). Poor guy :/ The bed was pretty comfortable though.

Saturday the wedding was not until 6pm. We had time to kill so we slowly got ready and went for a walk out around the hotel and down to the water (Lake Erie). It wasn’t a beach or anything but I loved being by a large body of water again. It’s so calming looking out at the waves and shimmery water and breathing in the air. Someday I’m going to own a house on a big lake or by the ocean…
Some people were flying this gigantic kite using the wind that was blowing in off the water. It was impressive.

After the walk we went back to eat lunch at the hotel restaurant. We were the only ones in there. We expected it to suck but we were pleasantly surprised! Slightly expensive but good food and good service – lucky us! We hung around and watched TV a bit, got ready, and then headed out to the wedding.

The wedding was at a botanical gardens place and the setting was just beautiful. The weather was great too, sunny but not too hot. It must have been an expensive wedding. The bride looked lovely, everything was wonderfully planned, and the food was yummy. They served iced tea and lemonade in wine glasses while we were waiting for the ceremony to start. Very nice touch.

After the ceremony, while the wedding party had pics taken, we were served drinks and apps in a courtyard area. I snagged a melon lemonade which was just lemonade and M.idori but was really tasty and refreshing. I never passed up an app offer so by the end I was feeling quite gluttonous… ahh well!

The reception hall was decorated beautifully. Dinner was buffet-style with a mediterranean side and an asian side. Both were delicious (I'm not a picky eater, can you tell? haha). The wedding cake was pretty and banana-caramel flavor. Not what I would have picked but it was very good.

R was ready to go around 10:30pm so we hugged the bride and said our good-byes. It was a very nice evening. I’m so happy everything turned out so lovely for her wedding.

Now she is in HI and I’m really jealous! :)

Saturday night R slept much better because the hotel delivered a fan to our room.

Sunday we went to breakfast at the same hotel restaurant and it was very good – fresh fruit, hot oatmeal with brown sugar, eggs, bacon, potatoes, pancakes, pastries, bagels. We headed out around 11am and were back at our house before 7pm.

I took C with me after that to pick up River so we could chat about all the wedding details. C has been engaged for over a year now and is planning her own wedding for next May so she was interested in hearing about it all. When we got back we went running.

Monday we went to watch the horse races. I had never been before. We lost every single bet we made but it was still fun. It was more carnival-y than I had imagined. I’m not sure I’d be pushing to go again any time soon but I’m glad I got to see what it was like.

It really was a great 4 day weekend / mini-vacation. Our next vacation (week-long) is in October. It can’t get here soon enough but at the same time I’m trying not to wish away autumn.

Work is almost over! I can’t wait to go home.

Week 3 - Day 1, 2, & 3 (Tough but Cool)

2009-08-27T00:26:00.002-04:00

Week 3 instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds), Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds), Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes), Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Week 3 went well, especially given the cooler temps on Day 2 and 3. Ahhh, sweet relief! C stayed true to her word and went with me all three times. I took River with me on Day 3 for the warmup and half of the jog/walk portion.

We were able to do all the jogging intervals in their entirety but the 3 mins were hard on me. C seemed to be having a lot less trouble. Our days were screwed up (we did two days in a row because we were busy all weekend) and our days will be screwed up this next week as well, so we are going to re-do week 3. Also, it will give me a chance to work on getting better at the 3 min intervals.

Day 1 – 8/20
Run time: 25:22
Run Distance: 1.57 miles
Ave Pace: 16:10/mi
Temp: Hot and humid

Day 2 – 8/24
Run time: 30:55
Run Distance: 1.77 miles
Ave Pace: 17:30/mi
Temp: Cooled off a bit and a nice cool breeze

Day 3 – 8/25
Run time: 26:29
Run Distance: 1.64 miles
Ave Pace: 16:06/mi
Temp: Still cooler but no breeze

Not sure what was up with our slow pace on Day 2. That felt like our best day even though I was very tired on the 3 min jogs. It felt like we went much slower on Day 3 but I guess I am delusional :)

Still no unusual pain. My weird thigh pain has not come back and my knees are doing great. My shins hurt a lot less than they did back in the spring too. Not sure if I’m doing something differently but it’s nice.

Each day we do a bunch of stretches after our 5 min warmup and then again, for a longer time period, at the end. At the end I also do ~60-80 crunches and, just this week, I added in ~25 wall push ups. (Yeah, I tried to do a real push up. It wasn’t pretty.) My upper arms and chest have been sore so they must be doing something. I plan to continue and up the count every week. Hopefully I’ll eventually be able to graduate to actual on-the-ground push ups.

I’m sad that summer is almost over but I’m really looking forward to running in the fall weather.

About Me

2009-08-21T17:09:00.004-04:00

Since it is ICLW I figured I would do some “about me” posts. I haven’t done a post like this yet so I have a few in mind. I was going to kick it off with “100 things about me” but damn… 100?? I’m not sure I could make it to 100 without it inducing sleep or involuntary mouse clicks from unsuspecting victims. Or, maybe I’ll still do it just to say I did :)

On a lighter note, for today, I’ll do an alphabet list. I’ve seen other people post them before and I think they are interesting.

A – Apple picking. I want to go! I had never been before last fall – my sister (C) and I picked Macintosh apples. I didn’t like Macintosh from the supermarket but OMG the fresh picked one was The Best apple I had ever eaten! We made lots of great things with our apples, one of which was applesauce. I want to make it again this year with a little less sugar and maybe throw in some cinnamon.

B – Baby. I want to have one. My first husband and I decided that we were ready to start trying when I was 20. That was 13 years ago. Being a mother has always been my one and only goal. I am interested in all things pregnancy/baby/child-raising related. It has always been what I thought I would be doing. I have never been pregnant.

C – Career. I am a client manager for a litigation support company. Basically, we work for lawyers and help them with certain aspects of their jobs. No one really understands what I do unless they are a lawyer and even then sometimes they don’t. I won’t bore you by trying to explain. I am lucky to have this job, for many reasons. My husband works for the same company, in the same building, but in a different department.

D – Death. My dad died when I was 25 and my grandfather died this past Nov. Up until my dad died I had never personally experienced death. I always said that, since I was so lucky up until that point, when it finally happened it would probably be someone very close to me. I was right. I have been contemplating death a lot this year and it really freaks me out. I try not to think about it too much.

E – Exercise. I needs it! This past spring I started the couch to 5k plan in the hopes of becoming a runner. I’m not sure about running in a 5k but I really need to be more active. I quit about half way through, at the end of May, and have recently started back up again. I am on week 3. My goal is to be able to run 3 miles (or ~30 mins) 3 to 4 times a week and also to run regularly, without quitting, for a year. I’m also doing crunches, push ups, regular stretching, and hoping to add in a little yoga.

F – Family. It is very important to me. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. I have two younger sisters. One is working on getting her PHD and doesn’t live in the same state as me. She is flying in tonight and is going to stay with me for the weekend! Yay! My youngest sister (C) lives about a 10 minute walk from me and I’m so happy she is so close. We hang out together all the time. I also have a brother but I didn’t grow up with him. He’s a sweet, loving guy and I really wish I got to see him more often.

G – Gymnastics. When I was 16 I was in gymnastics classes. I loved them. I ended up tearing my ACL (ligament in the knee) when I did a front hand spring and landed on the inner side of my right foot. Oh the pain. I had several surgeries but they were never able to fix it very well. It’s still screwed up and I have arthritis in that knee and ankle because of the injury. So far running hasn’t caused any additional pain and I’m so glad!

H – House. (Love that show!) My husband and I bought our first house a little more than three years ago. We still love it. It is a great house for us. We recently finished (ok, almost finished… I still have more painting to do and we need to carpet the stairs) a basement renovation after it flooded this past winter. I haven’t ever posted pics of it but I keep meaning to.

I – Infertility (obviously!). I have been trying to have a baby for the better part of the last 13 years. ART is not an option for us so I can only hope that my body will suddenly work some day and I will finally end up pregnant. It’s a waiting game that I can sometimes ignore and that sometimes hits me so hard that I don’t even want to get out of bed.

J – Jill. That’s me. Sometimes I wonder if I should have used an alias for this blog. And then I wonder why people are so concerned with anonymity that they’d not want to use their real first names. I’m sure there are some horror stories out there. No one in “real life” knows about this blog (except my husband – no secrets from him – and two old friends) but that is only so I can talk about what I want/need to without worrying about hurt feelings. I’m not too worried about personal details except for my last name and my actual address.

K – Knitting. Ok, I cheated, I don’t knit. But! a couple months ago my sister (C) and I taught our selves how to crochet. I made a little practice dishcloth and am now making a blanket for our basement room. It’s going to take me forever but it’s coming out pretty well. I have pics to post of it at some point. C made a scarf and is now doing a blanket as well.

L – Laundry. It’s the one chore I really don’t mind doing. Sure, I slack with the putting away part but I actually enjoy using my washing machine and dryer. Weird, I know. I’ve had my current machines for 6 years now and I get more than a little excited at the prospect of getting upgrades!

M – Marriage. I have been married twice. Admitting that I am divorced is hard. I’m very embarrassed about that fact. I got married to my current husband in May of 2005. We had a small ceremony which took place in a cave. It was a great day.

N – Nanny. The best job I ever had was when I was a nanny to a little boy from when he was 9 weeks to almost 2 yrs old. I had to leave the job when I moved to the Albany, NY area to be with my husband (then boyfriend). It was a hard thing to do. I still miss that job every day. The pay was horrible but it was such an honor to be able to help raise someone else’s child.

O – Ovarian Cyst. When I was 20 I had my first ever gynecological exam. When they did the internal, something wasn’t right. I was rushed off to my very first u/s and an ovarian cyst was found. The doc said it was the size a uterus might be in the 7th month of pregnancy. I had surgery, it was not cancerous, and they were able to save my ovary and fallopian tube, which was wrapped around the cyst. The surgery left me with a huge scar. It is a vertical scar that starts about 2 inches above my belly button and goes ALL the way down past my hair line. I had 27 staples to close it. Subsequent docs have told me that they did a horrible job which explains why the scar is so ugly.

P – Pets. Throughout my childhood we had cats, dogs, birds, hamsters, fish, a guinea pig, turtles, frogs, and a snake. I really admire my parents for giving us that experience and having the courage to raise 3 daughters and a multitude of pets. Currently, I have 3 cats and a dog, I guess my childhood rubbed off on me! Two of my cats are 13 and the other is 7 – I raised them all from kittens. I love them and will always care for them but I will never get another cat. They are so messy and hard to live with – I guess I’m just not a cat person. I love other people’s cats but if I never had to scoop cat litter again it would be too soon! My dog, River, is 4 yrs old. I wasn’t looking for another pet. The opportunity just kind of fell into my lap and I will never regret it. He is a wonderful dog. You can see pics of him in my side bar. He is an Australian Cattle Dog.

Q – Question. This gets stuck in my head every time anyone says “Question.” haha

R – R is my husband. I have written of him very little on this blog. He would like it that way (if he read my blog, which he doesn’t). I love him like crazy and I feel lucky that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. I do need to write about how we met – it’s an interesting story. Well, to me it is! hehe

S – Sting. I enjoy lots of different kinds of music but Sting will forever be my absolute favorite. I’m not sure where my love for him came from. I’ve told R that if I had the chance, I would totally be with Sting! ;) I have memories of being a teenager, in my room at my parents’ house, singing along with a Sting cassette tape. I know every word to every song and could listen to his songs on constant loop all day, every day.

T – Theatre. I love theatre and acting. In grammar school I was involved in a theatre program which put on musicals every year. In HS I was in several musicals as well and when I was 16 I was chosen to be in a community theatre performance of Brigadoon. That was one of the best experiences of my life. I have sung in a chorus, and solo, I have danced, and acted on stage in front of hundreds of people. I wish I would have kept up with it. I loved doing it so much.

U – Ultrasounds. From my ovarian cyst-capades to my baby-making analysis, I’ve had more than I can count. I long to finally have an ultrasound that actually shows me a baby.

V – Vacation. I need one. Our next week-long vacation is coming up in October and I really want to go somewhere fun. I can’t decide where to go that wouldn’t be too expensive and that R would enjoy. Next May is our 5 year anniversary and I really want to go on an Alaskan cruise.

W – West Coast. I wish I lived there. I spent 3 years living in southern CA and I really love that area. I would love to live somewhere with easy access to the ocean.

X – Sheesh these last letters are difficult. I’ll go with Roman numeral X which is 10. 10 years ago was the start of the worst time of my life. I had just moved back to my home town (MA) from living in CA. I was married to my first husband, and we lived in the upstairs apt of his parents’ house. Things were not going well for us but we were holding it together. I missed my friends from CA so badly. I had an incredibly stressful job as the manager of a one-hour photo lab. It was in a little town with a large university and we were super busy. I would come home after work and cry. Little did I know it would keep getting worse for more than a year and a half.

Y – Can’t think of anything but I’m sure I’ve written enough in the other 25!

Z – Zodiac. I am a Cancer. I don’t know much about that stuff but I have always thought that the personality descriptions I’ve read were spot-on.

Wow! This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be.
Happy ICLW!

Week 2 – Day 1, 2, & 3 (OMG IT’S FREAKIN HOT)

2009-08-18T15:31:00.002-04:00

Week 2 instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Week 2 went very well. C was with me all three days. Right from the beginning we were able to jog the entire 90 second intervals with no trouble. The worst thing was that it got progressively hotter as the week went on. I was a sweaty mess. But really, I don’t mind – sweating is good for me! All is still good in the pain department.

Day 1 – 8/13
Run time: 30:26
Run Distance: 1.91 miles
Ave Pace: 15:56/mi
Temp: HOT

We both felt good about moving on to Week 2. Nothing else of note about this day.

Day 2 – 8/15
Run time: 29:55
Run Distance: 1.93 miles
Ave Pace: 15:31/mi
Temp: HOTTER

We picked up our speed a bit on Day 2 which made it seem more difficult. C is definitely able to go faster than me so I think having her along has made me push to increase my speed. I usually fall 10 or 20 ft behind her on the jogging intervals but I try my best to catch up. At the end I was determined to make it to my driveway at under 30 mins so we ran the last few ft for a big accomplishment! Yay us! ;)

Day 3 – 8/17
Run time: 31:26
Run Distance: 1.92 miles
Ave Pace: 16:23/mi
Temp: UGH I CANT SEE YOU THROUGH THE SWEAT IN MY EYES

Brought River on warm up walk and then put him back inside. First jog interval was easy and felt great. By the end we were dying but we pushed 10 seconds longer on the last jog interval. It was very hot and oppressively humid – we were sweating before we even started jogging.

Day 3 was by far the worst and it shows in our pace. It was my fault. The days before (on Sat and Sun) were spent getting a guest room in our house cleaned and set up. It was our old office before we moved the office into the renovated basement. We had left it a horrible mess and it was a lot of work. Sorting through crap, throwing stuff away, vacuuming and dusting, moving furniture… I must have gone up and down our two stair cases a hundred times. My butt and my thighs and my knees were really sore from all those stairs so on Day 3 (yesterday) I was hurting and going slow.

I made it though and today my legs and knees feel better.

We will be moving on to Week 3 on Thursday. Hopefully it’s less humid!

Week 1 – Day 2 & 3 (Sisterly Fitness)

2009-08-13T15:15:00.006-04:00

Week 1 - Day 2 (8/8)

I don't know what is up with the "Best Pace" time there but there's no way we were ever going that fast - haha. That pace definitely messed with the calories burned total.

Day 2 was a little more trying than Day 1 but I had C (my sister) with me which was a good distraction. C has noticed that she's gained a bit of weight (she's still much thinner and in better shape than I am) so she told me that she's going to try to come running with me every time I go. This is just fine with me! I LOVE having the company. I'm so so so glad she lives so close to me and we can hang out together so often.

We went about the same pace as Day 1. 1.3 miles in 20 mins, almost 2 miles all together. Same slight ankle pain but nothing else.

Week 1 - Day 3 (8/10)

Day 3 was more difficult than Day 2 (ugh I hope this trend doesn't continue!) but C was with me again to distract me. It was very humid so that may have something to do with it. I brought River with me on the warm up walk and the first 10 or so mins after that. After about 10 mins he was slowing down a lot and I felt bad for him being out in the humidity with a fur coat on so I brought him back inside.

We went slightly faster than Day 2 (though it doesn't really look like it from comparing stats). 1.34 miles in 20 mins, and again, almost 2 miles all together. Same slight ankle pain and I felt like I was starting to get a stitch in my side but then it went away. All normal, minor stuff. No knee pain (yay).

When we stopped at the end for stretching I was pouring sweat. So gross - I don't sweat much normally. We noted how weird it was that we sweat much more at the end when we've stopped running than we do during. This isn't a big deal though, I love the heat, and really, it won't get much hotter in this area. I still only run at night so I don't ever worry about the heat.

We are definitely upping to Week 2 tonight. Week 1 was much easier this time around. I never had any problem pushing myself to jog for the entire 60 second intervals (and sometimes a bit more).

Am looking forward to going out tonight!

Annual Tree-Burning

2009-08-10T11:49:00.010-04:00

Have you ever avoided getting a Christmas tree because you didn’t want to deal with getting rid of it when the time came to take it down? We have!

Have you ever wondered what the heck to do with your Christmas tree once you’ve taken it down? We have!

But those aren’t issues for us anymore :)

A year and a half ago, when we took down our tree, we didn’t know what to do with it and we didn’t want to deal with it so we stood it up against the fence in the backyard. There it sat, for months and months, getting dryer and dryer. We eventually decided we should chop it up and use it as fire wood.

While chatting with friends of ours, we came up with the idea of burning the tree whole. Pine needles are fun to burn – they crackle like crazy and burn quickly. We thought a whole tree of needles might be really exciting. So, instead of chopping it up we took it to our friends’ house, stood it up in their fire pit, and set it on fire. We were right, it was a lot of fun! It was so much fun, we decided we should do it every year.

This year, our friends’ took the tree right after we took it down and set it in the sun to dry out for a couple months.

They live on 60+ acres of land – really beautiful.

When we got there the tree was already propped up.

And this is the aftermath.

We burned the rest of the trunk (and tons more logs) while we sat around talking for the rest of the day.

I couldn’t take “during” pics because R was using the camera to film it. I am going to try to put the video up here. If it works, the guy in the beginning is our friend (his property), the voice you can hear clearest is R, and you can hear me at the end say “Oh No! Timber!” It also makes me laugh that, at the very end, the dogs (my dog, River, and our friend’s dog) started barking at each other and all the dog “parents” shout “HEY!” instinctively. haha

Week 1 – Day 1 (New Beginning/New Toy)

2009-08-08T00:42:00.003-04:00

About a month ago my dad (biological dad in case anyone was confused after this post) asked me what I wanted for my birthday. He usually sends me money – I’ve told him he really doesn’t need to but he says he wants to, so sheesh, he doesn’t have to twist my arm – but he said it would be nice to actually buy me something specific.

I told him that I’ve been thinking about getting a personal gps device. I'd been thinking that it could help motivate me to get back out there. He was all over that idea and had it picked out and ordered before we even got off the phone. Thanks dad :)

It took me 2.5 months to get the motivation back to start again. Yesterday I was feeling so crappy and restless it was easier than usual to make myself get out there. I felt like I needed to run. My body is apparently telling me “c’mon and exercise dumb-ass!”

I want to start slow again so I’m back to the week 1 instruction: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Instead of repeating each week twice, I’m hoping I’ll be able to only do each week once until at least week 4.

Week 1, day 1 was much easier this time around. That’s good – it seems my nine weeks this spring actually made some lasting difference to my body. My lungs still burned but I could have run longer than the 60 seconds. I didn't though. I don’t want to push myself too hard until I get into a good pattern of going out regularly. There was some slight pain in my ankle at the end but not much else. No knee pain at all. Although, the uh… more floppy parts of my body (sorry if that’s tmi haha) were kind of numb by the end. (The weird thigh pain I'd been having totally went away a few weeks after I quit running.)

My gps was very handy. I’m still learning how to use it but it worked much better than my stopwatch and I didn’t have to count laps around the circle to calculate how far I went. I'm excited about this because now I'll be able to just take off from my house and go where ever I want. I won't be stuck running the circle just to be able to measure my distance.

Totals were 1.92 miles in 31 minutes (which includes the 5 min warm up and some extra walking after time was up). For later reference, in just the 20 mins of jogging/walking I went 1.3 miles.

Oh and can I just say… Ahhhhh stretching! Still lovin that part.

Day 2 is tomorrow (well actually later today – I’m up really late once again) and C said she’d come over and go with me. :)

Guess What?

2009-08-07T00:37:00.003-04:00

Do you know what this pic means?

That's right! Tonight I managed to get up off my ass and start running again.

I really felt like crap earlier today. I was so tired, my calves/ankles/feet were swollen and achy, and I was restless. Even though it's almost 1am right now and I am still tired, I really feel better after having exercised.

I started the couch to 5k plan over again. The running intervals really weren't too bad and I felt like I could do a bit more (but I didn't).

More details tomorrow (later today - hah) and more about my new toy/incentive shown in the pic.

I really can't believe I finally dragged myself back out there. It only took me 2.5 months.

"10 Miles Behind Me, 10,000 More To Go"

2009-08-05T23:07:00.002-04:00

Eight years ago today my dad died. He was not my biological father but I loved him just the same. He raised me from the time I was about 2 years old.

I think of him all the time but most of the time I can ignore the sadness. I used to have dreams that he wasn’t really dead, that he would come back into our lives but that he couldn’t remember much of anything. I never understood where he had been but I was glad to have him back and be able to hug him. Then I’d wake up and realize I would never see him again. I don’t have those dreams anymore.

I will never forget the call I received from my 15 year old sister that day saying that the ambulance was there and they were taking him to the hospital. I told her not to worry, that it would be ok. I felt so bad for her and wanted to make her feel better. Little did I know he was already dead. I feel guilty for ever telling her that it would be ok.

I had just seen him the day before. He wasn’t feeling well but everyone thought it was just a cold or the flu. I saw him for a minute that day when he came down to the kitchen in his robe. I told him hi and that I hoped he felt better soon. I hope I told him I loved him but I don’t remember.

My mom was out grocery shopping and my sister was at home with my dad. When my mom got home and found him, he was dead. My poor sister had no idea anything out of the ordinary was happening upstairs. He had no major health problems – it was completely unexpected.

He was 49 years old.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that I never got to say goodbye. What I wouldn’t give to be able to give him one last hug. He loved kids and would have made an absolutely wonderful grandfather.

He used to sing to my sisters and I when we were little. One of the songs I remember the most is “Sweet Ba.by James” by James Tay.lor. I sang that song at his memorial service. Whenever I think of him it pops into my head. Singing it or humming it is my way of remembering him without having to talk about him. Sometimes the words sound a little garbled.

As much as I miss him and feel sad that he’s not here, most of my sadness is for my mom and my sisters. It’s just not fair that they had to lose their father, that she had to lose the love of her life. I wish I could bring him back for them – even if I could still never see him again.

Today my sister and I took the day off from our jobs to hang out together and remember him. We didn’t talk about him much but we baked bread and congo bars (he was a baker and always the cook in our family) and celebrated his memory.

I love you dad.