14dpo - beta

Pee test this morning was negative again so I knew what was coming. The beta was negative. I'm really bummed (understatement) but trying to ignore it. I mean really, did I expect any different?

I was already gloomy enough in my last post so here is my attempt at thinking happy thoughts.

The fertility clinic I go to has the best blood drawers ever. I have a needle phobia - have never been good with them. Obviously through the IF years I've learned to better deal with frequent blood draws but they still freak me out. This place makes it so much better. They get it over with super fast, they try to distract if I seem like I'm getting anxious, they hardly ever leave any bruise or mark at all (I've had some bad ones at other places), and often I can barely feel the needle go in. The picture below shows my arm a few minutes ago - see the tiny red dot? That's the only mark and I hardly felt it. Today, as she was drawing my blood I told her they are awesome at it and I appreciate it so much.

Things I get to do now:

- Stop taking so many pills a day for a little while. I currently take 7.

- Stop taking the progesterone gel every night. Ugh that stuff is unpleasant.

- Not worry about if I'll be able to do the upcoming vegas half marathon while 18 weeks pregnant. I'm signing up officially in the next couple days.

- Get rid of the sore boobs in a day or so hopefully. (well, the soreness anyway, not the boobs themselves...)

- Move on and officially end this cycle. This random cramping must be from the progesterone and, now that I know everything is negative, it's driving me crazy :/

I'm planning on doing this all again next cycle if they'll let me. I must be crazy.

13dpo

My hope is gone. I tested for the past 3 mornings - all negative. I'm irritable, sad, crampy, and "the girls" have been sore now for a couple days. I feel the need to apologize for being such a downer.

The picture kind of goes along with this depressing theme. Earlier this year we cleaned out our garage (one pet peeve of mine is attached garages that can't actually be used to park cars in, so we always keep ours fairly clean) and I came across a box that hadn't been sorted through in a LONG time.

Those are the magazines I started subscribing to, buying, and collecting when, 15 years ago, I decided I was ready to have a baby. Silly me. The years on each magazine are what really get me. I threw them all away.

Tomorrow I fully expect the test in the morning to be negative and my beta to be negative too. I suppose there is still a small chance but I'm pretty sure that a test wold have been positive this morning if it was going to be at all.

10 dpo

Took this with my phone camera right after my hsg/shg in June. It's my uterus; the tube on the left in the picture is pretty clear, with the spillage at the end, but to me the tube on the right looks odd. Too long or something. The doctor and nurse did not say there was anything abnormal.

I was able to wait 2 days but tested this morning. Negative.

I'm feeling crampy today, like my period's about to start. That could be a good sign or it could mean nothing.

Guess I'll just have to keep waiting...

It's Not Real

This is my first ever positive pregnancy test. It's not "real" but it is a symbol of hope. Too much hope realistically. It's the result of a trigger shot.

Back Story

Back in June I decided to go back to my fertility clinic. There was a whole fiasco with a gyn/fertility clinic I was going to closing and I wanted to get a new prescription (for glumetza, I'm currently on metformin) so I figured what the heck. July was also my much-dreaded "advanced maternal age" birthday which I tried my best to ignore.ugh. I ended up discussing a clomid cycle, got all the medication for it, and then it was cancelled due to an elevated tsh level.

About one month on a low dose of levothyroxine and my tsh still wasn't low enough (it was about 4) so I started on double the dose. That did the trick and my tsh lowered to about 2. I'm still on that dose.

During the first cycle that was cancelled I had my second hsg. It went uncomfortably fine. Both tubes are still open. However they found that my uterine lining did not look smooth in some places and they recommended a D&C. I was not on board with this and didn't schedule one.

During the cd3 u/s of the second cycle, an ovarian cyst was found. So, the second cycle was also a bust for both elevated tsh and the cyst. They put me on BCPs for that month. I was fine with taking the pill; however, about 11 years ago I had taken BCPs for about 1.5-2 years and had a bad experience with them. I told the nurse that and she gave me a lower dose type. I took the first pill that day and then proceeded to spot/bleed for the entire cycle. It was awesome. {please note the sarcasm}

When the pack of pills had about 2 weeks left (including the 5 placeholder pills) I realized that I would be taking the last real pill days before the half marathon which was some really crappy timing. I called the office, told them about the half marathon, and asked if I could stop the pill earlier. They agreed. Yay!

On Aug 5th I went in for my cd3 u/s and blood work. My tsh was a 2 and the cyst was gone.

I took 100mg of clomid from Aug 6th - 10th. I didn't have high hopes. I've taken clomid before - though it was about 15 years ago now and those cycles were unmonitored - and I was never able to detect ovulation.

On the morning of Aug 16th (cd 14) I went in for the progress u/s and more blood work. To my surprise my lining looked great and there was one dominant 20mm+ follicle. Whoa. There were a couple other follicles but all under 16mm. A perfect response!? Definitely not what I was expecting.

They gave me my hcg trigger (10,000 units) that day, at the end of my appt. Then of course, there was some sex. (this was not an iui cycle)

The test in the picture above was taken on the 17th. I had to do it. I had to create at least one positive test in my life, even if it was "fake".

Current Events

So, now that we're caught up in the story, let me just say that I'm currently going crazy. This is really the first actual 2ww I've ever had. One where I know there is a chance, however small.

My beta is on Aug 31st at 1:00pm. 6 more days. Assuming ovulation happened the day after the trigger, I'm currently 8dpo. I was planning not to test again but I've been getting steadily crazier and bought a bunch of $1 tests yesterday.

I tested last night to see if the trigger was still there and it wasn't. The test was definitely negative. Ever since that the hope I did have has diminished. Doesn't it take 10 days for 10,000 units of hcg to leave a person's system? Last night was only 8.5 days for me :/ I know this has nothing to do with whether I actually conceive or not but for some reason that negative test has really slapped the sense back into me.

Now that I know the trigger is gone, I'm going to wait at least a couple days before I consider testing again.

After waiting 15 years, getting pregnant on my very first monitored clomid cycle would be way too much luck for one person.

Second Half Marathon

So very much more difficult than the one in Vegas.

It was POURING rain the entire time. I couldn't gave been more soaked and I have chafing "burns" on my waist and bottoms of my feet from the wet fabric.

This course also included quite a few hills. Ouch.

I finished though. I was so close to the Vegas time, I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't beat it, but Vegas was so much easier...

I am sore but nothing too crazy. No pains other than soreness (and the chafing injuries). My hips were hurting a fair amount in the last half mile but they feel ok now.

I don't have any pictures. I was planning to bring my phone to take some but with the heavy rain forecast I was afraid I'd ruin it.

We are hoping to do the Vegas half marathon again this December.

Vacation Time

Happy ICLW everyone! I've already gotten a bunch of lovely comments. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading! :)

I'm on vacation this week so I'm hoping to get to read and comment a lot.

As I'm typing this I'm in the car with R (husband) and the dog driving to a house we've rented for the next 4 days in the Adirondacks. It's very large (we have 4 friends joining us), nice and secluded, views of the mountains, large property with a river. River (my dog) is going to have a blast with his very own river!

This weekend is also both R's birthday and our anniversary. We've been married for 6 years. R picked the day of our wedding specifically so he would have extra help remembering the date :D

We went out for a nice dinner yesterday (I got sweet and sour calamari, walnut crusted cod with spinach risotto, & panacotta for dessert) and we have a bottle of champagne to share with everyone tonight. We don't buy each other presents but every year we get a bottle of the same type of champagne. Our own little tradition.

I got a pedicure yesterday too. I used to have a funky thing going on with my big-toe toenails and after years of trying different things, finally managed to clear it up. Last Sept I got one for the first time and now I'm addicted. I get one every few months - love how long they last.

I'm still sore but getting better. C (my sister) and I went for our long, week-2 run earlier today. 4 miles. It pretty much sucked (we walked a lot) but, as always, we're happy we went. C's arches were bothering her and we just aren't used to the heat/humidity yet. Hopefully we get used to it since the half marathon is in August! Here is where I have second thoughts about this new goal. Yikes.

I'm Sore

My calves are sore but in a good way. I kinda like it :)

I accomplished my goal. I jogged the entire 3.5 miles. No walking breaks. Really crazy that I can do this now.

My new time was a little under 48 mins, so I cut a bit more than 5 mins off my time from last year.

I'm definitely happy with this and proud I accomplished what I set out to but I'm having a hard time not comparing myself to others. I run/jog damn slow. Really slow. To my credit there were hills in yesterday's run which I'm not used to at all. But, I'm still extremely slow.

I keep telling myself that jogging for 48 mins straight is so much more than I've ever done athletically before 2 years ago and that I'll keep improving little by little if I keep it up.

Near the end of the race I had some brief flashes of concerning knee pain in my right knee. Same knee I've had a bunch of surgeries on (I tore my ACL ~18 years ago). It didn't last long but I'll be keeping an eye on it when I run next.

Speaking of running next, C and I are training for our 2nd half marathon that's on August 7th! I put a ticker up for it. I'm excited but way more nervous now that I know the 3.5 I just did was pretty tough.

This week was week 2 of our training and this weekend we'll be running 4 miles.

C is much more enthusiastic about this next half marathon now that she knows we've done it before :) I know we can do it again and this time we have a time to try to beat!