Imaginary Symptoms

I've been nauseous off and on for about 3 or 4 days now and my bbs hurt. Even though I know the chance is so so so so very small... I can't help but hope. What the heck is wrong with me? *sigh*

This is my constant torture.

Ugh, Monday

Monday's are so much harder after a long break. The last 4 days were awesome in terms of work. I tried not to think about work much at all. Such a relief. But now, so many emails to catch up on and sort through and other work that needs to be done. My time entry is due by noon and it'll be a miracle if I actually get it done. (update: I didn't get it done by noon but it's done now! yay!)

Here is the view out my office window of downtown Albany. The little sign says it's 22 degrees. brr. I'll write more later... really gotta get this work done.

Zone A = F

Well, I give myself an F on completing zone A cleaning last week. However, I did manage to vacuum the living room and the stairs to the second floor. I even moved the couch and vacuumed under and behind it (ew.).

This past Sunday, R and I took a bunch of boxes and storage items down into the unfinished side of the basement. That side is finally complete - we were waiting on the floor being repainted because the contractor screwed up a couple "patch" spots - so now we can actually use it as storage! I'm excited. So, even though I failed on last week's cleaning assignment, the livingroom/diningroom area looks much better.

Zone B is going much better. On Sunday I vacuumed the kitchen and hallway/closet area. I've taken all the recyclables out and the dishes are done so I'll be able to clean the counters.

Still to do in Zone B (the incredibly hopeful list - hah)
-put away/organize things left on counters and island
-clean counter tops and island
-wipe down cabinets and island base
-clean stove and microwave
-vacuum again and mop kitchen floors
-wash dog towels
-clean out 'fridge

I'm feeling much better this week than last. Around Thurs or Fri of last week I started to feel better but the rest of the week sucked. I should keep track of my crazy moods - they don't seem to correspond to PMS or anything so I wonder if there is a pattern...

My better mood could be due to having Thurs and Fri off this week - yay! I can't wait for our 4 day weekend. We aren't doing anything specific but we'll probably try to get some of the last purchases made for the basement remodel project. Just having 4 days to not think about work will be awesome.

I have a ton of painting to do in the basement but other than that, a light is slowly appearing in the renovation tunnel. We need three major things still - ceiling, door, and baseboard. We've picked out all three but haven't purchased them yet. When the painting is done and those three items are installed, the only things left will be to hang cabinet doors and do final touch-ups. I'm pretty stoked about having this project done.

The room (before our mini-flood) was finished but we didn't use it for anything but storage. We've lived here for almost three years now. Silly us. So, it will totally be like we added a large room on to our house. The completed room will be like a tiny apartment - a small "kitchen" area with a cabinet/countertop, sink, mini 'fridge and microwave; a "diningroom" area with a table that we plan to play some poker on!; a "livingroom" area with seating and a TV; a small closet. We'll also have a dartboard corner down there and I've been thinking of adding some bookshelves as well. We shall see. It'll also be a great guestroom. The only thing lacking is a bathroom (which we have NO plans to add :)).

I feel like I have more to say. hmmmm. No, this is long and boring enough already so I'll stop for now ;) and get back to work.

Monday = Hate; Husband = Love

Yesterday sucked. Today is not a ton better, but a little.

I don't even know what was the matter with me yesterday. Everything seemed horrible. I couldn't deal with my projects, my coworkers, my clients... bleh. R went home first (we work at the same place but only sometimes drive in together) and picked up our dog. This is awesome because it saves me 15-20 mins on my drive home. I im'd him from work saying that I was in a completely terrible mood and maybe I shouldn't even come home. Not that I have any other place to go but it was a wonderfully negative thing to say, so I said it.

When I finally got home he was right there to meet me at the door. He had already put pizza in to heat up for me (leftovers I told him earlier that I was going to eat) and gave me a big hug. I cried. I love him so much. I felt like total crap but he was doing his best to try to make me happy.

Oh and Zone A progress? none. (maybe tonight but totally not promising anything!)

I need to hire a cleaning service.

I'm sooo bad at getting the things done that need to be done on a regular basis. When I have lots of tasks looming over me or if I feel like crap (mentally and/or physically) - NOTHING gets done.

My house is a mess right now. It's always balancing right on the edge of "too dirty" but when it's back within my acceptable limits, I put off cleaning. Some of this right now is due to our never-ending basement remodel. Should I clean the kitchen floors only for the messy contractor to track crap all over them again? My answer is always "no".

In order to make a change for a more clean house and a more happy me, I'm going to attempt to put my cleaning duties in perspective. Give myself some attainable goals. I've decided to start this by sectioning off my house into zones and assigning each zone a rotating week. I'm hoping this will make the daunting job a little more feasible.

Zone A - Livingroom/ Diningroom (these are basically the same room so putting them together is a no-brainer. This zone includes stairs to second floor.)
Zone B - Kitchen (includes basement stairs and hallway/coat closet)
Zone C - Bathrooms
Zone D - Master Bedroom, Guest room, & Computer room
Zone E - Basement

Tentative Schedule:
Feb 1st - Feb 7th ---> Zone A
Feb 8th - Feb 14th ---> Zone B
Feb 15th - Feb 21st ---> Zone C
Feb 22nd - Feb 28th ---> Zone D
Mar 1st - Mar 7th ---> Zone A

I'm starting with Zone A because we actually cleared off our entire table on Fri night so that's a start. I will need still need to:
vacuum
dust
clean table once more before the end of the week
wash the couch pillows and blankets
clean and organize any loose crap strewn about
mop tile

Think I can do this in the next 6 days? Ugh, I dunno. Everything seems so doable in the daytime and so horrible when I get home from work. We shall see...

I'm sure this will be revamped over time, depending on how well it's working out. I left the basement off the list because there's nothing much I can do in terms of cleaning until the remodel is done. Also, this list does not include doing things like laundry and dishes which need to be done way more often :)

Five Fabulous Questions

For all the Bloggers that want to play! Here's how it works: 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by e-mailing you 5 questions. 3. You update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You include this explanation and an offer to interview others. 5. When you receive the comment from another, you will send them 5 questions.

1. If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for? (and you can't wish for more wishes!)

This is a tough one actually. If I seriously had three wishes I think I would wish for things like, my (step)dad and grandpa to be alive, my husband/sisters/brother/mother/father to have very happy, long lives, etc. I think way to much into this question :) Speaking very selfishly, I'd wish for:

-My husband and I to truelly live "happily ever after" - I want to be 85 yrs old, sitting with him in our living room, watching TV, and still completely in love with each other.

-To get pregnant at least once, ending in a healthy baby->child->teenager->adult.

-To win the lottery for enough money to keep my husband and I at our current lifestyle but allow us the option of whether or not to continue working full time. (We really have it pretty good right now but it would be awesome not to have to worry about our financial future, have savings for our child(ren) and have enough to help out our families if they need it.)

2. What do you like best about where you live?

The best thing about where I live is that my husband is here :) If it weren't for him I would not live in NY. I also really enjoy the fall colors in this area.

3. If you could have one "do over" in life, but the ending would still be where you are now, what would it be?

A lot of my regrets in my life stem from my first marriage and the couple years leading to our divorce. However, I would not want to apply a "do over" to those times since they would definitely change my life with my husband now. I think if I could have a "do over", I would not have dropped out of college at 19. At the time, I was seriously thinking of transferring to a marine biology school in TX - I really wish I would have done that.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Picking only from places I have visited or lived before, I would choose to live in Southern CA. I lived there for three years and loved the area and the climate. I never felt an earthquake and didn't mind the traffic; however, I think I would be worried about potential earthquakes if I were to decide to move there permanently. Speaking more generally - I would just love to live within walking distance of the ocean.

5. How do you indulge?

I indulge by spending hours on the internet reading stories and information about pregnancy, childbirth, child raising, etc and (only as of 2008) by reading blogs. I also indulge (with my husband) by going out to eat, often... I love all kinds of food. TODAY I'm indulging by eating these:

dark chocolate covered pretzels - YUM! :)

Motherhood Dreams

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have children. I've wanted to be a mother.

I "protected" myself from it (because we all know it happens as soon as you have unprotected sex ONCE... right?) until I was married and we felt like we were ready to become parents. I didn't have to wait for that very long. I got married when I was 19 and by the time I was 20 (he was 23), we decided we were ready to start a family.

It never worked. Now I can look back and see that it was a good thing that it didn't work with him but at the time it was heart breaking. I learned that when you are in your early 20s doctors don't take you very seriously when you tell them you can't conceive. "You have plenty of time!" "Don't worry, just relax." "It will happen before you know it." When you are in your early 30s they take you more seriously.

In these past 12.5 years I have never had a positive pregnancy test.

I have been reading blogs of moms who have gone through miscarriages and other horrible things, my heart goes out to them, and I count myself lucky to have never had to experience the loss of a child. At the same time I wonder how I could have gone so long and never gotten pregnant. Something must be very wrong with me.

Now, because of certain happenings in my life, I have not actually been trying for the entirety of the last 12.5 years. I was on birth control pills for 2 of those years, right in the middle, because doctors told me it would help regulate my cycles and because it was most definitely NOT the right time in my life to bring a child into the world.

I was put on clomid in my early 20s with no effect. However, they were not monitoring my ovulation while I was on the drug either. Since reading about other people on clomid, I realize at some point they should probably have been doing that. To my knowledge, I have never even detected an actual ovulation despite many months of temping and taking ovulation tests. I have wasted so much money on tests. Being obsessed with becoming pregnant and having irregular cycles is quite an interesting form of torture.

I had an HSG done this past spring. I still have both tubes (there was some concern that one tube would be deformed or missing due to an issue I had when I was 20), they look normal and have no blockages. Great news? I guess. Unfortunately, the big questions still remain. Why am I broken? What am I doing wrong?

The doctors I have seen do not want to give me clomid again, given my past. My next option is apparently forced ovulation with injectibles. I have some reservations about this and so does my husband. I also can't help but think it would all be for nothing. After so many times wishing and willing that second pink line to show up, I can no longer imagine it finally happening.

Will I ever get to be a mother? I don't like to think about it anymore. At times I give up completely and realize the truth - I will never get pregnant. Then hope creeps back in for a while, month after month goes by and I give up all over again. Often now I find myself thinking that maybe it would be easier if I were able to give up for good. Get a tubal or have my husband get a vasectomy or be told by a dr that XYZ is wrong with me so I will never be able to conceive. I would be horribly sad but maybe going through the sadness all at once and then being able to move on from the certainty would be easier than living in this uncertain child-free limbo.

Family means a lot to me. My dream is to have a family of my own, to stay home and raise my child(ren), take care of my husband, and tend to my home. I'm sure there are many women who would cringe at that statement but it has been my goal my entire life. Oh, how I would have been shocked if someone told my 20 year old self that at 32 I would still be childless. Instead, I have a career in an office, I travel to NYC "on business" (weird), I'm paid well (imo) and I do my job well (when I want to). I'm so lucky to have the job I have... but... I would give it up in a heartbeat for a daughter or son.