I seriously need help. Psychological help. I'm driving myself crazy and I can't stop.
(this is where I pause to say that if you read this and you don't want to hear about my periods and other intimate details, stop reading now! Come back later and read a different post.)
What can't I stop you ask? I can't stop thinking (read: wishing/hoping/deluding myself) that I'm pregnant.
Yeah, you heard me right.
No, I don't really have any reason to think I am.
Sooo...
Today is CD 57. Except that I don't really know that it's CD 57 because I have completely screwed up periods. Starting on May 29th I spotted for 12 days. Almost 2 freakin weeks. Never did it actually turn into what I would consider a "true" flow. This is not completely abnormal for me but most cycles I do finally get more than just spotting. Also the long cycle is far from abnormal for me. In my estimation I only get about 7 or 8 periods a year.
On May 15/16/17 (~CD 27) and then again on May 23 (CD 34) I had some fertile CM. (see I told you. you should have stopped reading!) Not a ton but a normal amount for me. And yes, we did it around both those times.
I was all set to just count the two weeks of spotting as my period but... well I don't know. But, that would take away my hope? *sigh*
And Now. Now. I am tired. I am cranky. I am crampy off and on - way down low like period cramps (that I never have btw). My stomach has been feeling just not right for... I'm not sure how long now. A week? But I would definitely not consider it nauseous.
I feel like I'm crazy and I'm making all this up just to give myself a little hope. Oh how very much I want to be pregnant right now. Aren't there such things as psychological pregnancies? A pregnancy only in your head? Completely made up? I think that's more likely to happen than a real one. Real ones don't exist in jill-land.
What's that you say? It's easy to find out - just test? hah.
I CAN'T TEST.
It may sound crazy but I've seen so many negative tests and wasted so much money, I just can't do it. I can't spend the money. I can't look at another negative test. I've forced myself to give up my pee-stick habit.
My logical side knows I'm not pregnant. Not after 12 years just oops! all of a sudden-like. I got my period for shits sake! Sure it was just spotting but I'm just screwed up like that. I don't have any of the "real" early symptoms like sore bbs, excess saliva, frequent urination, constipation, exhaustion, nausea. I'm almost positive I don't even ovulate at all. How could I be pregnant? I am a fool.
So now I ask myself, what is worse? Should I keep driving myself crazy by agonizing over imaginary symptoms and allowing myself to day dream of all the wonderful things actually being pregnant would mean? Should I suck it up, buy a test, deal with the sadness, and prove to myself that I am indeed not pregnant?
Someone please, please convince me that I'm not pregnant so that I can stop the madness and not have to resort to buying a test.
Oh, wow. What a mental mindfield to be right now. I completely understand the not wanting to POAS. I have about half a dozen in my bathroom right now that I refuse to dunk in one of my disposable pee cups that I have conviently right next to the commode. I won't do it.
ReplyDeleteUgh, well I can't say that I can call you crazy -cuz I'd have to be commited too. Wishing you the best and many hugs.
Oh, and thanks for the support on my blog, i greatly appreciate it.
I can't help ya, hun. I have taken a few tests myself after having both tubes removed. Talk about not a chance in hell. The body can throw a complete mind fuck at you.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
Hmmmmmmmm. I can't convince you that you aren't pregnant. I would take the test, set my mind to expect a negative and then allow myself to think of something other than "Am I pregnant?" every other freaking second of the day. I hear you sistah. I don't happen to have unusual cycles but I have been fooling myself over symptoms for long enough. I promise if you POAS and want to have a wailing fit, we'll all be here to hold your hand.
ReplyDeleteWell...that sucks. You're in a situation that can have two possible outcomes. You can take a test and find out that you are not pregnant, and move on...or you can take a test and find out that you are indeed pregnant. You either get the news that you feel is true, or you can get the news that you have been wanting, waiting, and hoping for for the last 12 years.
ReplyDeleteYou know I try to be the voice of reason, but I half to say that these things DO happen. Sometimes karma throws you a bone (pun intended). I've been praying for that bone to hit you in the gut for a long long time!!
If you can't stand to take a test, just wait. You'll either have a period...or a baby.
Or...you can buy a package of hamburger with your pregnancy test, if you feel like yakking after you open the hamburger...take the test. If you don't, make tacos.
If you barf upon opening the hamburger...you better freaking call me so I can book my plane ticket!!
I'm hugging you from here and praying to all the God(desses) for you!
I'll assume you are like me....so no chance you are really pregnant...
ReplyDeleteIf you don't want to wait anymore, get a blood test with a progesterone test so you'll know if you've ovulated or not...
I start feeling icky if I go too long without a period even though I'm never pregnant at that point either..so symptoms don't mean much.
i totally hear you... i have a period like once a year, so i can ALWAYS convince myself of pregancy. i also swore off pee sticks. i know it's illogical, but we all do convince ourselves that *maybe* we're pg. after getting my last bfn from a fet, i still thought there might be a chance and was reluctant to go on BCP right away in case the blood test was wrong! how crazy is that?? i say, just test and get it over with... but make hubby check the results.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Jill, what a pain in the ass. I went a few years with totally messed up cycles. Except I was young and nieve and thought I was pregnant. 47,000 negative tests later, a few blood draws, a few rounds of clomid. Sigh... I'm so sorry. It's so easy to talk yourself into thinking your pregnant when you want it so badly. I wish I could tell you that you weren't. But I really really want you to be. What does your dr say about your long cycles? I'm sorry sweetie. Hang in there. Oh, and I won't tell you the story about my friend who thought she got her period, but it was really light spotting and when she started to feel sick, the ladies she worked with made her take 2 pregnancy tests. They were both positive. This was after 8 years of trying and she now has a gorgeous 1 1/2 year old. But I'm not going to tell you that...
ReplyDeleteGAH! I hate that feeling!! I don't really know how to convince you (or myself for all that matter) that your not pregnant. I would POAS... but thats me, I have cups and like 10 sticks under my sink. Yes I know that I have better odds of hitting powerball but still...
ReplyDelete*HUGS!*
Well, you could do one of two things if you REALLY want to know. You could go see your doctor and pay a copay or you could buy a cheapo test. I know how hard it is to take it and be negative but at least you will have piece of mind. So I would head to the dollar store (if your dollar store sells them like mine does) and get a pregnancy test. Expect it to be negative and you won't be dissapointed. Hopefully you will be very disappointed and it will positive. Wishful thinking, right? ;o)
ReplyDeleteBlogger ate my comment.
ReplyDeleteWe have icsi range male factor and I recently tested on CD 68. Negative, of course. Damn PCO.
hope you fare better,
g