I seriously need help. Psychological help. I'm driving myself crazy and I can't stop.
(this is where I pause to say that if you read this and you don't want to hear about my periods and other intimate details, stop reading now! Come back later and read a different post.)
What can't I stop you ask? I can't stop thinking (read: wishing/hoping/deluding myself) that I'm pregnant.
Yeah, you heard me right.
No, I don't really have any reason to think I am.
Today is CD 57. Except that I don't really know that it's CD 57 because I have completely screwed up periods. Starting on May 29th I spotted for 12 days. Almost 2 freakin weeks. Never did it actually turn into what I would consider a "true" flow. This is not completely abnormal for me but most cycles I do finally get more than just spotting. Also the long cycle is far from abnormal for me. In my estimation I only get about 7 or 8 periods a year.
On May 15/16/17 (~CD 27) and then again on May 23 (CD 34) I had some fertile CM. (see I told you. you should have stopped reading!) Not a ton but a normal amount for me. And yes, we did it around both those times.
I was all set to just count the two weeks of spotting as my period but... well I don't know. But, that would take away my hope? *sigh*
And Now. Now. I am tired. I am cranky. I am crampy off and on - way down low like period cramps (that I never have btw). My stomach has been feeling just not right for... I'm not sure how long now. A week? But I would definitely not consider it nauseous.
I feel like I'm crazy and I'm making all this up just to give myself a little hope. Oh how very much I want to be pregnant right now. Aren't there such things as psychological pregnancies? A pregnancy only in your head? Completely made up? I think that's more likely to happen than a real one. Real ones don't exist in jill-land.
What's that you say? It's easy to find out - just test? hah.
I CAN'T TEST.
It may sound crazy but I've seen so many negative tests and wasted so much money, I just can't do it. I can't spend the money. I can't look at another negative test. I've forced myself to give up my pee-stick habit.
My logical side knows I'm not pregnant. Not after 12 years just oops! all of a sudden-like. I got my period for shits sake! Sure it was just spotting but I'm just screwed up like that. I don't have any of the "real" early symptoms like sore bbs, excess saliva, frequent urination, constipation, exhaustion, nausea. I'm almost positive I don't even ovulate at all. How could I be pregnant? I am a fool.
So now I ask myself, what is worse? Should I keep driving myself crazy by agonizing over imaginary symptoms and allowing myself to day dream of all the wonderful things actually being pregnant would mean? Should I suck it up, buy a test, deal with the sadness, and prove to myself that I am indeed not pregnant?
Someone please, please convince me that I'm not pregnant so that I can stop the madness and not have to resort to buying a test.