Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Half Marathon (part 2)

So we finally got to the hotel after our long walk dragging our luggage.

After a quick bedbug check (anyone else creeped out by the possibility of those in hotels? Eww the thought sends shivers down my spine...), we relaxed a bit and started talking dinner.

We decided on the hotel buffet (called "More" haha). It was $30 for both of us and very good. So many different things to try. I'm the type of person who gets a tiny amount of every single thing that looks good. I was happily surprised at the inexpensive food in Vegas - I was expecting to spend much more.

After dinner we went right back to the room. The plan was a very early bedtime because the race was so early. Plus we were beat. With the time change, it was midnight EST by the time we turned out the lights.

We both had weird dreams about the race and we were up before our alarm, which was set for 5:30am Vegas-time. Breakfast for me was brown sugared oatmeal and some fresh fruit from a certain popular coffee place. The lines were crazy! At that hour, none of the buffets were open and everyone wanted to fuel up before the race. I also ate some nuts for some extra protein.

Back at the hotel room we finished eating and got ready to go. The race started at 7am but being in the second to last corral we were looking at more than a 30 min wait. The start and finish were at Mandalay Bay. We jogged over from our hotel, stretched a little (tough since there were so many people and no good places to sit on the ground), found our corral and waited.

This is me in my pink shirt, waiting in the corral :)
Our shoes with orange timing tags - I'm wearing capris, C is wearing long pants
The view ahead of us (looking south)
The view behind us to the last corral

We heard the tail end of the national anthem (the starting line was pretty far from us) and the race started but our corral didn't move. We were anxious to start.

Then I realized I really had to pee. Uh oh.

I tried to ignore it. All the corrals were lined up going south on the strip and curled around to the north side. While we waited we watched the runners, that had just started, going past us in the north lane. It was fun to watch all the different costumes. So many Elvis-es? Elvi? haha

I still really had to pee.

I decided the feeling was not just in my head and told C that I was going to run and find a porta-potty. Much hate for those (yuck) but it was necessary. C was worried but I was optimistic. I'll be back in time! By that time we were slowly moving forward toward the starting line. I ran as fast as I could, was in and out super fast, and back with C before she moved very far at all. Whew. I can't even explain how happy I was that I chose to go then. I would never have made it.

The purple banner is above the starting line - getting closer!
I was extremely excited at this point - almost there!!
And we're off! The sea of jogging heads in front of us
The guy above the G in the starting line pic above was the singer, dressed as a blues brother, in a band that was playing. There were bands scattered throughout the race but less than I thought there would be. It was still so much fun jogging up the strip. There were a lot of spectators and cheer leaders.We slowed down at the second or third water station for a quick drink and kept going. I had my garmin and I was keeping an eye on our pace to make sure I wouldn't totally burn myself out. My goal was to jog for half of the 13.1 miles and I REALLY wanted to do that.

Once we got past the actual strip and on to some of the side roads, there were a lot less people on the sidelines and it almost seemed like we were at the very end of the whole thing - kind of deserted. But, there were thousands of people behind us. We kept checking ;)

This is heading back south, you can see the stratosphere in the distance
MILE 8! We had not taken a walking break at all at this point!
This guy was at approximately 8.5 miles if I remember correctly

It was a little before this point that things started getting tough. My goal was to run for half, which is 6.55 miles. We had passed that by a long shot and were so amazed at ourselves already but we wanted to push on for as long as we could. It was getting difficult.

Part 3 coming soon!

Half Marathon (Part 1)

I am glad I bought a crappy camera to bring with me (I would have felt terrible if I damaged or lost my good camera) but whoa boy, did I take some crappy pics. Posting them anyway - bad pics are better than no pics, right?

C and I had non-stop flights to and from Vegas. We got stuck sitting in a full 3-seat row both times which was a pain but we survived :) When we landed on 12/4, we took a shuttle right to the health and fitness expo to pick up our race packets.

red carpet into the expo

the line for our corral
The expo was interesting but was a lot more sparse than I imagined it. At least some of that was probably due to the fact that we were there at the tail end of it. We didn't stay long. On our pass-through we found stretchy belts with a zipper pocket to carry things while jogging. I bought one to carry the camera the next day and it worked well.

We thought about catching a taxi to our hotel (we were going from the venetian to the luxor) but decided not to. It was a lot longer of a walk than we realized. We had to cross the strip back and forth for construction areas and large crowds. Really it would have been fine but we both still had our luggage. I was soooo happy to finally see the hotel.

the view of the strip out our slanted window

This is taking me forever to post so stay tuned for part 2! :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

So Awesome

We finished! We did much better than we ever thought we could and we completed it in a lot less time than we thought too :)

It was an awesome experience and I'm totally thinking about doing another one in the future. I have more pics and want to share more details but I've been annoyingly busy (with work, buying xmas gifts, housework, etc.) since I got back and the times I haven't been busy I just haven't felt like blogging.

Another post coming soon I hope!

(and I'm behind again - 285 posts in my reader - time for some more catch-up)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

1 Day Left

Whoa baby - 1 day until the half marathon on my ticker. I'm not nervous really but I am worried that I won't be able to do this. I'm freaked about not being able to finish or hurting myself trying.

I bought a new crappy camera (so I don't mind too much if it breaks, gets stolen, lost, etc.) to take on the actual run with us so I plan to have pics to show when I get back!

Speaking of pics, this is one I took on our last run with my new crappy camera. We do long runs at a local bike path and it looks so dreary now that winter is here. I know it's a pretty bad pic but I took it while I was actually running and I think the way it focused is interesting. Makes the path look neverending, which is how it feels a lot of the time :) haha

Our flight to Vegas takes off in 9.5 hours. I hope this turns out to be awesome.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Disappointing Last Run

I think I'm in denial that I'm going to Vegas this weekend. It doesn't seem real.

This past weekend was our last long run and it was pretty disappointing. We were supposed to do 10 miles. We wanted to do more like 11 miles. We ended up doing about 8 miles. In two hours. Which is slow, even for us. And I forgot my at home so we had to guess at approximate mileage. Damnit! I was kicking myself.

C and I were both really tired. I wasn't in pain at all but I was beat. C's hip started hurting toward the end which sealed the deal.

I don't think we both ate well enough that day and the day before in order to have enough energy for a long run. C said she had hardly eaten anything earlier that day because she woke up really late and we left for our run around 2:30pm. I did make a point of eating a good amount that morning but I was sick the night before.

At around 3pm on Saturday I started getting this bizarre aching feeling in my... girl parts. It was annoying but I was trying to ignore it. Then about an hour later I got what felt like AF cramps but higher, to the left of my belly button, which came on in waves accompanied by intense back pain/cramping. It sucked. The worst of the pain I was crying through but it passed in minutes. It peaked about 4 times from ~4pm - 10pm that night and then lessened to a dull ache.

Apparently the appendix and gall bladder are on the right side, and I've been to the ER before (years ago) for weird pain like that and they weren't able to do anything for me except give me pain killers that made me throw up, so I decided there was no need to go. R is super supportive and caring when I'm sick. He took care of me.

Since I felt yucky most of the day, I barely ate anything, and I think that contributed to our crappy run the next day.

I'm feeling a bit better now but occasionally have twinges that worry me since I'd rather not feel pain again like I did on Saturday. I'm feeling a twinge, that may or may not be related, right now in fact.

Oy. This better not interfere with the half marathon trip this weekend.


Thanksgiving went well, despite the fact that stress is at an all time high at work and I worked most of my 5 day vacation-that-was-only-a-vacation-in-so-far-as-I-didn't-have-to-drive-to-the-office.

We hosted dinner for 10 adults and a 1 year old. I cooked a 16+ pound turkey in Alton-Brown-brining-style, like I do almost every year. In addition to turkey and ham, we have all the "standard" stuff like mashed potatoes, candied yams, stuffing, *can*berry sauce (it's a must), cranberry salad, gravy, etc. There was way too much dessert, 3 pies and a cake that my MIL surprised us with (she was only supposed to bring the ham).

The 1 year old finger painted her food all over her section of our dining room table and my dog had a wonderful time cleaning up her mess on the floor and chair.

He wishes we had a baby, too.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Finally Caught Up

After being so very far behind in reading blog posts in Oct (1000+ unread posts), I've finally caught up.

Seriously like 2 mins ago when I read the very last post queued in my reader. My reader currently says 0. Yay!

I'm sure I'll get behind again but it feels good to be caught up for the moment :)

I have a lot of blogs in my reader (225 actually) and earlier this year I categorized them all because of a question posed by a fellow blogger about how many blogs is too many to follow and comment on regularly.

My categories are:
Dormant (haven't posted in months or ended) - 40
No Comment (blogs I like to read but I very rarely or never comment on. Things like popular "mommy blogs", food or fitness blogs, humor blogs, etc.) - 75
Comment (blogs I sometimes comment on) - 47
New (blogs I've recently added to my reader and have not decided what category they should go into yet) - 25

The final category is for bloggers I feel I have a "connection" with. They read my blog (can be often or rarely) and/or "follow" me and I make a special effort to follow their blogs in detail and comment as often as possible. There are 38 in this category.

Does this sound bad? I hope not.

I do it this way so I can keep this crazy hobby manageable :) Some blogs I look at like a magazine - I read and am interested but I'm probably not going to write a letter to the editor. Some blogs I look at like a FB update from a long lost classmate - I might comment, I might not, it depends on the subject and how much time I have at the moment. And some blogs I look at like a phone call from a friend - I listen, try to understand, commiserate, cry with them, rejoice with them, and reply.

My categories are very dynamic. Blogs are moved around often due to adding subscriptions, moving abandoned blogs to "dormant", and connections with the individuals behind the blogs that I read changing. The connection doesn't have to be profound, sometimes it's even one-sided, but these are the blogs I reserve most of my time for.

When I have 1000+ unread blogs, it's so easy to quickly read the "no comment" blogs in a few minutes. It's very easy to skim and skip over posts that don't look interesting in this category. The posts that build up into gigantic piles are the ones that I want to spend my time reading and commenting on.

For anyone reading this: Do you have a system like this? How do you manage all the blogs you follow?

Friday, November 19, 2010


"Sign up for a 5k, it will totally motivate you!"

I didn't believe this at all, even though I read it everywhere. When I signed up for my first 5k in the early spring it didn't serve to motivate me, it only stressed me out. I was sick for weeks leading up to it so that is definitely part of the reason but it really didn't motivate me.

I've proven myself wrong though. Being signed up for the half marathon has DEFINITELY motivated me to stay on my current training program. If I didn't sign up there would have been so many times in the last month that I'd have procrastinated or skipped running. There has only been 2 days that we haven't run (or run/walked) so far and that was because of specific events - one was Halloween weekend where we hosted a party for about 20 people on Saturday and then I went with C to our mom's house on Sunday. No long run for us that weekend but I did spend most of the entire Saturday standing and cooking and decorating and cleaning. :)

Anyway, we've been kicking ass and I still can't believe we are doing this. C is officially registered as well now. We have air and hotel booked. I received my race number and final instruction email. I'm in corral 31 - it's gonna be a long, chilly wait at the starting line!

We've found, to our surprise, that we can jog longer distances than we ever thought we could.
  • On Oct. 3rd we jogged 3.5 miles straight for the first time.
  • On Oct. 12th we jogged 4 miles straight for the first time.
  • On Oct. 17th we jogged 6 MILES straight!! We couldn't believe it. We still can't.
Since then we've gone up and down in our run mileage, sometimes walking part way, and we are still getting faster, little by little.

Here's one of our recent awesome (for us anyway!) runs:

Run Time: 1:08:05
Run Distance: 5.00 miles
Ave Pace: 13:36/mi

Mile 1: 13:30
Mile 2: 13:31
Mile 3: 13:55
Mile 4: 13:39
Mile 5: 13:28

Originally when I contemplated the half marathon I thought if we could run the first 3 miles and walk the rest we would still do pretty well. I didn't really see myself being able to run very much further than 3 miles. Now I know I can. Now I think we have a good shot at running the first HALF of the half marathon. Holy crap.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

53 Outside, 35 Inside

It's 53 degrees outside and very cloudy. I'm hoping it doesn't rain out my already-postponed-once 5 mile jog tonight.

Why is the AC on in my office when it's 53 degrees outside?? I can feel frigid air blowing on me. I'm currently wearing finger-less mittens and my jacket. Apparently the room I'm in by myself is in the same zone as the room next to me which houses about 8 people and all their computer equipment, meaning they have it turned DOWN. Holy balls I'm cold.

I can't believe I have 18 days left to the half marathon. I'm very excited and feel very unprepared all at the same time. Yikes.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

Officially Registered

I did it.

I registered and paid the registration fee for the half marathon. Woo! I'm excited... and nervous that I've gotten myself into something I won't actually be able to handle.

It was raining yesterday so C and I skipped our training. Otherwise, we've been doing really well. Last weekend we did 5 miles and this weekend we'll be doing 6 (as always, running as far as we can and then walking). I look forward to the long ones so that I can convince myself that I will be able to do this.

C hasn't felt secure enough to register yet. She might tonight but now I'll be going with or without her.

I'm down to under 500 unread posts! 421 as we speak...

I've gone "blog-rupt" on some blogs that I don't often comment on or newer ones I was just starting to read but the ones I am the most involved with, I just can't mark all posts as read. I'll skim and skip commenting as I have to and eventually get all caught up.

I really like all the weekly blog events I see everywhere, like "Perfect Moment Monday" and "Wordless Wednesday" etc., but I know myself well enough to not join in. I'd never keep up with it. A few weeks ago though I was sitting at a stop-light (yes, I was driving) and I noticed the most beautiful sky full of clouds I've ever seen. I'm happy I had enough time at the light to take a picture.

It really doesn't do the scene justice but it was amazing. Just sitting there looking at the sky made me happy to be alive.

Monday, October 11, 2010

1000+ Unread Posts

Did you know that google reader only counts up to 1000 unread posts? Then it puts a little + after the 1000, rolls its eyes at you, and gives up.

I miss blogging - writing and reading - but I had to give it up for a while. I think it was contributing to my stress.

Things are getting better. I don't feel so out of control at work anymore and my stress levels are definitely down.

About 2 weeks before my vacation I had a major wake-up call at work when I had to start working like crazy on a matter that was incredibly busy. One day in particular I worked for ~17 hours. That sounds like it would increase stress, and it did, but it also kicked my ass and got me back in the swing of things. Then R and I both took the last week in Sept off and really had a great vacation. I still don't like work, but I feel like I'm dealing with it better now.

C and I are currently on week 5 of our 12 week training program for the half marathon. I still really want to do it and am getting excited but I'm also intimidated by the 13.1 miles and by the price for what amounts to a 3 day "vacation". If I sign up by 10/15 I'll get $10 off the registration fee and they'll enter you in a contest to win free hotel nights and show tickets. Now THAT would be awesome :)

So, I'd love to catch up on all my unread posts but I don't think that's going to happen. I am trying though. Don't be surprised if you get some extremely late comments from me.

Friday, September 10, 2010

This & That, but Mostly Running (Sorry!)

- I am starting to get more serious about the half marathon. Was even brave enough and excited enough to put up a ticker :) I think we can do it. I'm positive it would be a lot of fun and a great accomplishment.

- We begin the training plan this Monday, the 13th. I'm pretty intimidated because the plan has exercise 6 days a week, with only Friday as a true rest-and-do-nothing day. Really, the fact that I exercise 2 to 3 times a week is a flippin miracle. Not sure how I'm gonna do 6. The plan's structure already fits well into our schedules so we don't have to tweak days which is good.

- We've done 4 3-mile jogs now and I am still amazed each time we finish. I seriously can't believe I can jog for 1 mile, never mind 3. On Labor Day we jogged a 5k (just C and I, not a race) and finished in about (I don't have my garmin with me for actual time) 43 mins. Big difference from my 5k time in May!

- Tomorrow (9/11) we are planning a long walk. I'm not sure how many miles we'll do but we want to do more than 5 so we can see how it goes. I need to figure out where we'll be walking.

- I'm contemplating weekly log type updates during the training, though I should know better than to make blogging commitments. I almost always fail at those.

- Bracelet update coming soon! (hah what did I just say about blogging commitments?) If you don't know what I'm talking about, please read this post. The offer still stands if you'd like one.

- I suspect the first of you will be receiving bracelets sometime next week. I have a handful made and will be making more this weekend. Right now I'm really experimenting with different styles of the bracelet itself and different ways to attach the charms and clasps. Each one I've made so far is different. So, it's slow going while I get the hang of everything. Once I figure out the best ways, it should go much faster.

- R and I are taking a vacation week at the end of this month and I can't wait! We aren't going away but at the beginning of our week off we are going to NYC to see this show and go out to dinner here. It should be a fun night.

- I found a local 5k for C and I to do on 9/26 but it's the day after our NYC trip and we won't be getting home until about 3am. I'm not so sure it's smart to commit to a 5k after such a late night. The actual 5k isn't until 1pm so I'm still leaning toward doing it though. I'm quite excited about being able to run the whole thing if we do :)

- It's kind of weird that I consider myself an infertility blogger but I don't blog about IF much at all. Right now my life is all about trying to ignore IF and focus on other things so I guess that's why. But still weird.

- I made one of my favorite fall dishes (not actually a "fall" dish but I consider it one because that's when I usually make it) last night and brought it for lunch today. I made it meatless - didn't feel like chopping and cooking chicken - and it's just as good. More of a side dish than a main dish though without the chicken. I have that and a bagel and I'm looking forward to lunch right now way more than is healthy. Woo! Brown rice salad!

- Yesterday I noticed the first of the leaves around my house turning colors. I love this time of year but I'm trying not to think about those dreary winter months (Jan/Feb/March) that are just around the corner.

- Hmmm bullet point type posts are much easier to write...

Monday, August 30, 2010

5k Recap (Finally!) and New, Slightly Crazy Goal

Venus in our jogging sky

I only jog outside and usually at night. The common time C (my sister) and I have on the week days is after work. Dinner gets in the way. If I eat after jogging, I can go at around 7 or 7:30. If I eat before jogging we don't go until after 8pm. Either way, the sun is just about to set or has already gone down. My neighborhood happens to have a great view of the western sky so we get some amazing pink/purple/orange sunsets. Venus has been watching us jog for a while now. It's really beautiful.

C and I are doing this 5k training plan right now and just finished week 7 yesterday. We've been pretty bad at keeping to the schedule but have gone out about 2 times a week for the last 6 weeks. We were struggling and procrastinating at first but really did well this past week.

Tuesday we did 2 miles and walked the final mile.
Thursday we jogged the 2 miles.

Saturday we jogged THE ENTIRE 3 MILES!!

I'm shocked. This is the furthest we've ever gone. It took us 42 mins, so still really slow, but we jogged the entire time, no walking breaks.

Run Time: 42:01
Run Distance: 3.04 miles
Ave Pace: 13:49/mi


On May 20th, I ran walked a 5k (actually 3.5 miles), my first "race" ever. I'm not sure why but I haven't really known what to say about it.

It went pretty well. I had fun. I actually enjoyed doing it. I want to, and probably will, do another.

It also brought disappointment and frustration though.

I had big plans to build up to jogging at least 3 of the 3.5 miles. C and I were doing well and had gotten to a straight 2.5 miles, slowly, but jogging the entire way. Then we fell off the wagon. Mostly because I got sick with something that left me coughing for weeks. I was still coughing until halfway through my cruise, which was after the 5k (one afternoon on the cruise I realized I hadn't coughed at all and was sooo happy).

I knew with the coughing thing that I couldn't jog so I took a lot of time off from exercise and went for walks right before the 5k. By the time May 20th came around it had been more than 3 weeks since I had jogged at all.

The crowds at the 5k were amazing. It was packed shoulder to shoulder at the starting line-up, which was mildly unpleasant, but I'm ok with large crowds so it didn't bother me much. Since the pack was so large, it took forever to get to a place where you could move around enough to jog. This was actually a blessing since the first bit of the route was uphill ;) After about 15-20 minutes the crowd thinned down enough to move around a bit. I jogged for maybe 1 mile of the whole thing, if that. I was just so winded (and still coughing a bit).

5/20/10 (5k day)
Run Time: 53:24
Run Distance: 3.54 miles
Ave Pace: 15:06/mi

So yeah, I was disappointed. Not at the finish time specifically but because I couldn't jog for most of it like I had planned. It is a good time to try to beat for my next race I guess! :)


That brings me to my current goal.

In March of '09 I asked myself if it was possible to become a "runner" (this post). I think I succeeded. I might not technically be a real "runner" but I'd say the ability to jog for 3 miles without stopping, however slowly, qualifies me as a jogger. This is something I never ever thought I'd be able to do.

Now I'm asking myself if it's possible for me - a kind of, half-assed jogger - to run/walk a half marathon.

13.1 miles

I read about a half in Las Vegas on December 5th and I'm seriously considering doing it. The main thing that attracted me to this one is that it's walker-friendly, as long as you can finish the half in 4 hours or less. (and I'd love to go to Vegas again! I haven't been in 10+ years.)

C and I are planning to do this novice training plan next. We don't expect to jog the entire 13.1 miles and will walk any part of the training runs that we need to in order to finish the required mileage.


Can we really walk 13 miles??

Sometimes I think, "if we can jog for 3 miles, then jogging/walking 13 is definitely doable." Other times I think, "jill, wtf. 13 MILES! What are you thinking?!"

We have 14 weeks to train.

It's definitely possible... but, can we really do it?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Infertility's Common Thread

About a year ago, when I first explored The Stirrup Queens blog, I came across "Infertility's Common Thread" (linked down there on my side bar, too). I thought this was a great idea! More than a great idea - a wonderful!, awesome!, amazing idea!! If you haven't read about it, please click over. Basically it's a sign for people in the ALI community to recognize each other. See that pregnant belly over there? Check her wrist, you might actually get to shelve the bitterness for a minute and feel a small bond and happiness for the woman behind the belly. (I know that sounds bad but I also know that people who read this blog know how I feel.)

For about a year now I've been wanting to go to the craft store and pick up embroidery thread #814 and tie a string around my wrist. Every time I would go to a store that carried it, I would realize I forgot to write down the number and would always leave empty handed.

Recently, I got the idea of making a thin friendship bracelet (remember making those? I made them when I was younger and my sister still makes and gives them to me) out of the thread and wearing that instead. My day dreaming creative side went a little wild (for me anyway haha) and I thought that maybe I could add a clasp so it could be removable if needed.

Well, I was motivated to actually note down #814 AND get to the craft store this past weekend! :)

This is what I came up with for my first try.
I'm wearing it right now.
I'd love it if everyone in this community would wear this thread on their right wrist. Maybe a little "Infertility's Common Thread" revival?

And, because I know that as common as this thread is, it's not always the top of every one's mind to go out and get it, I'd like to help.

If you'd like to wear one, I'd like to make one for you*. Please leave me a comment and/or email me at ayariaATgmailDOTcom.

*Keep in mind that I'd need to mail it to you. While I've never mailed anything out of the US before, I'm more than willing to try. Also, I'm not selling them or asking for money from anyone.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Personal Relaxation Scene

Therapy is going alright. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable talking to someone about my life now, after the third visit. Besides just getting to know me and my past, she is working on giving me ways to control my stress. Deep breathing is one of them. Meditation is another. My current homework is to write a detailed description of a "personal relaxation scene".

I have a few places I'd categorize like this. Anywhere where I can sit, look at, and hear the ocean would definitely be one of them. Another is in the woods near streams or rivers. I really like water apparently.

My dog absolutely LOVES water. He isn't comfortable in deep water but only because he didn't grow up with a body of water to learn in. Whenever we get close to water he needs to wade, to splash, to drink, to frolic. It's so cute and it is one of my favorite things to watch.

The following pics are of one of my perfect, relaxing places - my dog being there just makes it even better :)

On our way there in the car

Walking to our favorite spot

The perfect spot, looking upstream

When the water is low, I tip-toe out on exposed rocks and sit on the big rock. Bliss.

Each time he wants to shake the water off, he has to get as close to me as possible. Share the fun!

Looking downstream through the trees

He picks up his paw and purposely splashes so he can snap at the resulting water droplets

He and I could stay here all day...

(that's his doggie friend that happened to go with us that day)

Friday, August 6, 2010


My dad died 9 years ago yesterday.

I wrote about him and his death last year.

C and I did not take the day off again but she did bake congo bars last night and I ate one this morning in his honor. Thanks, Dad.

I don't really assign more sadness to August 5th than any other day but it's kind of nice to have a specific day to write about him every year.

Since he was a baker, my family never bought regular bread. We always had fresh baked bread that he would bring home from the bakery he worked at. The most common was his version of a Portuguese white bread. Because of him I love artisan breads and dislike store bought squishy bread (down with the "wonder bread" type loaves!).

One morning I went out to my car to go to work and found a loaf of that bread on my windshield. I lived just down the street from he and my mom at the time and I knew it was from him. I was going through a tough time (I'm not sure he even knew that) and it meant so much to me to find that bread there. Like a heartfelt hug that feels warm and safe. I will never forget it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Thank You

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you that left me wonderful comments on my last few posts - and my last post especially.

Someone who doesn't blog and/or has never known people only online might not believe it but your words and the fact that you're willing to come read about my life and share thoughts/advice/experiences really help. A lot.

I get caught up a lot of the time in feeling alone. Like I might be the only one to have these negative feelings. But I'm not. They are common and I just need to learn how to deal with them. Hopefully talking to the therapist will help me learn to do just that.

I seriously did not even think about others also having such a hard time sharing feelings. I mean, I know that logically it makes sense that others feel that way, but it just never occurred to me. Reading your comments helped me to see that I'm not the only one.

One comment even made me realize that one of the reasons I feel so negatively about sharing is that I'm afraid of what the therapist will think of me. I really don't want people to think I'm "crazy", selfish, bitchy, etc. I suppose I need to get over that - and I'm considering bringing it up to her at the next appt.

All of you are so sweet and supportive and I just can't say enough that I appreciate each and every comment. They made me feel a lot better in general and better about continuing to go to therapy.

Thank you Thank you Thank you <3

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Odd Feelings

My first therapy (counseling? not really sure what to call it) appt yesterday went ok. As soon as I went in and she started talking I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. weird. I managed to eek out a little "i'm really nervous" and then composed myself.

We talked about my general reason for being there and I only cried when I told her I'm infertile. A held-in cry that I couldn't talk through. But I managed to compose myself quickly again and go on.

She already mentioned medication and I'm not sure how I feel about that. That's actually the reason I mentioned the infertility, since anything I take would obviously need to be pregnancy-friendly. However slim that chance is, there's still a chance, and I would feel horrible if I thought I screwed things up. But, medication in general is not something I'm really on board with right now. I told her I'd like to stick with just counseling for a while and maybe I'd be willing to consider it later if no progress was being made.

She told me she thinks I'm dealing with depression. I feel the same about this statement as I do about my PCOS dx. There are tons of symptoms of both, I have some and I don't have others, and it's just such a subjective thing. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I'm hoping that continuing to talk to her will allow me to deal with the moods that I'm not able to control right now. If I feel like crap, am frustrated and/or stressed, or feel like everything is bad/wrong, I just can't get over it. Only time helps. I want to be able to just turn it off when I feel like that.

My next appt is Wed the 4th and I do plan on continuing.


I'm kind of hesitant to go back. Maybe I shouldn't be going at all. I feel like I'm being selfish by talking to someone about myself. I feel like it's unreasonable to expect someone else to help me with this. We're talking about my feelings here, not a broken bone. I should be able to just pull it all together and cut this shit out. I'm embarrassed by things I told her and by things I will probably be telling her. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of her. I'm embarrassed to have even gone at all*.

I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's definitely a negative feeling and it isn't resulting from liking or disliking the therapist.

I don't normally talk to people about my problems/feelings. I have no close friends I talk to on a regular basis about things that are happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I complain and vent and cry and complain (what? I already said that?) to R ALL THE TIME. Probably way too much. But he is it. He's the only one. I sometimes tell my sister (C) things that annoy me and vent about work but it's all superficial stuff. She knows about my infertility but only because she knows I really want to get pregnant but can't. I don't go into details. I can't remember a time when I ever cried in front of her. She's 9 years younger than me - I don't want her to worry and I don't want to force her to hear things she doesn't want to hear.

My other family members know almost nothing of the emotional side of my life. I only talk about the very basic stuff (I moved, I bought a new car, have a new job, got a promotion, etc). This includes both my mom and dad. I keep almost everything from everyone except R... and this blog I guess. I wonder if my mom and dad would both be shocked to read this blog, and not because I have ever said anything bad about them.

Keeping everything from everyone is pretty lonely sometimes. I don't really do it on purpose but I guess now I know why I do it. Because sharing feels wrong and bad. I thought it would be nice for me to be able to talk to the therapist but it's not so far.

*Please know that I do not judge others for going to counseling. I don't think it's stupid or that the people who go are somehow wrong to go. The negativeness relates to me and dealing with my own feelings.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Where is #4?

I stole this from Sweet Pea :) I figured I'd keep her title 'cause I think it's cute. If anyone would like to steal it from me, feel free. Tell me in the comments if you do so I can read your answers.

1) If you could live in any country but the USA, where would you live?
Wow, it's hard to say since I've never been out of the country except to Canada when I was young and briefly to Mexico on a cruise 6 years ago. (I wouldn't want to move to Canada or Mexico ;)) I think I'd have to visit a bunch of places and check them all out first. Without having visited though, Ireland seems like it would be beautiful and laid-back and have an "out in the country" type feeling. Ireland, in a house overlooking the ocean :)

2) Why did you title your blog "All Aboard the Pity Boat"?
I actually explained this briefly in my very first post.

"The phrase "pity boat" is something I used to use when I was in highschool and I was feeling bad about myself. No matter what it was, too fat, bad hair, friend problems, boyfriend problems, school problems, parental problems, or even just a general feeling of blah, I'd use it to describe how I was feeling and to joke about it with my friend. "All aboard the pity boat! wooo woooo" and off I would go in my complaining.

Now-a-days I think I "board the pity boat" a lot less often but I still think of it every now and then. If I'm being really hard on myself about something or other I'll think of it and smile. So, while it sounds like a really negative title, it's not so very negative to me."

Funny enough, I think I've regressed in my pity-boating. I find myself boarding the pity boat a lot more often now than back when I wrote that post. "All Aboard the Pity Boat" also goes well with my love of water and the ocean so I evolved it into my blog theme.

3) How many "in real life" people know about your blog?
R (my husband) knows about it but doesn't read. Two old friends of mine (and possibly their daughter) know about it but I think only one of them reads. (love ya, Heather!) That's it. I've debated telling my sisters about it but have decided not to so far.

5) What kind of clothes do you wear?
I wear all different kinds of clothes and I don't stick to particular brands. However, when I got my current job, it was a lot more business-y dress than I was used to so I had to seek out more professional clothes. I started shopping at Lan.e Br.yant and was very happy with the fit of their clothes. Some of their stuff is cheaply made (and it's pretty expensive which is annoying) but I like it enough to keep going back (with coupons!)

6) What are you having for dinner tonight?
Ugh, the age-old question. I seriously hate that question and it's a source of stress for R and I. As weird as that sounds. I'm not a good planner when it comes to meals and we rarely know in advance what we will have.

However, tonight I have a plan! (Amazing, I know.) I have leftover chicken and leftover peas to use so I'm going to try and make this. I'm planning to use croissant dough-from-a-can though, instead of making the biscuits from scratch, to save a little time.

7) Where do you "blog"?
From my work laptop, where ever it happens to be. Mostly I blog from my office at work but if I blog from home it could be on the living room couch, at the dining room table, in our basement office, or just about anywhere.

8) Do you like to cook?
I love to cook and bake but I am a sloooooow. I feel like I don't have time to plan meals, shop, and cook properly so I end up very rarely cooking. If I was a stay-at-home-wife that is one of the things I would go crazy with!

9) What's your beverage of choice at night?
Water. I very rarely drink anything else, though I do sneak sips of R's beverages (soda, seltzer, lemonade, hard cider, etc) often.

10) What would you most like to know about your fellow bloggers who read this?
I'm curious to know if you actually read these question-answer things on blogs or if you skip over them ;) For me it depends. If I see some interesting questions or I'm heavily involved in the blog, I'll usually read them.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Everyone hates their jobs..."

I successfully avoided the baby party thing for my coworker yesterday. I kind of feel bad that I didn't go but I just couldn't have handled it.

The therapist didn't call me back yesterday, so I was all ready to start looking for others today, but then she called me this morning. I have an appt at 9am on Wednesday and I'm nervous. Nervous that I really have no reason to be going. Nervous that she'll tell me I'm just being a big baby and that I need to suck it up and just deal. Nervous that she won't actually say that but she'll think it. Nervous that I won't know what to say... Oh it just goes on and on.

And - I'd just like to say that my insurance sucks. I have to meet a deductible before they'll pay for therapy sessions at all so this first one will be a nice $120. She said to me, "Did you still want to make an appt?" after she told me about the cost. I said, "Well, yes. I don't really have any other choice." I suppose I have another choice. I could just suck it up and deal with life. *sigh*

I'm thinking about a career change. Maybe an internal move within my company but there are limited departments I could move to and I have no idea if things would be any better. I'm also thinking about going back to school. I enjoy school (learning new things, going to labs and lectures) but I absolutely hate tests and projects. My procrastinating nature makes those aspects incredibly stressful. Maybe going back to school isn't the best idea but right now I'm floundering around trying to come up with things to make my life better.

People keep telling me "everyone hates their jobs". That can't be true, can it? Someone out there must enjoy doing what they do for a living. I mean, I understand there are always bad things to deal with - some people suck to deal with, some days you just dread getting up and leaving the house, sometimes you have to do things for work you'd rather not do - but overall, is it unrealistic to think there might be something out there that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes (or someone else's...) out with a spoon? Because there is no aspect of my job that I enjoy doing and I'm not at all interested in the topics that my job deals with. I'm only at this job for the money and benefits and the big benefit of working at the same place as R.

If I could only smack my 18 year old self across the face and tell her that she needs to think in terms of a career sooner rather than later. Something in a science related field because that is where my interests lie.

Monday, July 19, 2010

This Doesn't Help

Just received this email invite:

In a last-ditch effort to celebrate BEFORE HappyCoworker has the baby, I'd like to invite you all to an informal get-together tomorrow afternoon in the conference room. I have a card at my desk which you can come by and sign, and will plan to get a giftcard from all of us if you'd like to donate. She is also registered at Ta.rget, if you'd prefer to pick something out. Gifts/donations are completely optional, but it would be great if you could stop by and offer good wishes. Please extend the invite to anyone you can think of that would be interested.


HappyCoworker was discussed in this post and she is due any day now. She is the one I described as a belly-rubber and I've tried my best to avoid her in order to not find out if she really is a belly-rubber or not. I always stare at her head when talking to her because I can't bear to look down.

I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow so I have an excuse not to go but I really should go to work. I think I'll be pretending to be on a conference call at 1pm tomorrow... Should I even sign the card? I probably should but I feel like a hypocrite or something. Of course that would assume that I can even bring myself to look at the card.

Ya know what really sucks about all this too? I love shopping for and buying baby items. I would love nothing more than to go to and get something off her registry but ugh, giving it to her would be heartbreaking.

In general I'm feeling a bit better. I had an ok weekend since I totally ignored work the whole time. I managed to clean out and organize my basement (with R's help) which made me happy.

However, as Sunday night went on I started feeling panicky thinking about going to work this morning. I had to concentrate with all my might in order to stay relaxed and normal as the night went on. This morning was tough and now, at work, all I can do is sit here and think about going home.

No one ever called me back last week from the doctor's office (for the therapist). I finally called on Friday and basically begged them to call me back. Today during lunch my phone started ringing and I knew it was that office. The woman left me a voicemail saying she's sorry no one called me back, she doesn't know what happened, and that whoever is taking new patients will call me back this week. More waiting. She did mention that maybe I should call my insurance and find another place to go to if I want a sooner appt. (great advice lady, thanks) It's crazy how hard finding a therapist is proving to be.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Messed Up

I'm in a bad place right now.

Everything is a mess... but it's all in my mind. I know in reality everything is fine but I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

There is so much I want to write about but the writing never happens. I only think about it. There is so much I want to do but I never do it. I only think about it.

I am so unhappy at my job right now that I want to scream. And I do sometimes even though it doesn't make me feel better.

I feel like I'm stressed all the time.

I'm waiting for a therapist to call me back. Hopefully today. I haven't seen one for more than 10 years (not counting my brief experience with marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage). Maybe it will help.

I feel like I need to schedule my life down to the minute and be forced to stick to the schedule at gunpoint. But there is no one around with a gun and I never actually write up a schedule.

Night is the worst. I'm dead tired (so tired most of the time) but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll fall asleep and it'll all happen again the next day. So I stay up late and miss out on time with R and make myself even more tired.

R is trying his best to help me. I feel so sorry for him - I know I'm making things tough and stressing him out. He thinks I'm dealing with anxiety. I really have no idea.

If I ignore everything I'm ok, even happy. I can watch TV or a movie with R or my sister or go out to eat or read blogs and I feel fine. But as soon as I try to deal with real life - mostly working but other normal life things as well - I fall apart.

I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


I love watching documentaries on nature, the earth, natural phenomenons, etc. Especially ones on the ocean and the life within it. Recently I watched a special on a tsunami that hit Thailand. It was fascinating.

It was a beautiful day, the waves lapping onto the beach, and then receding, over and over. The next wave came up but didn't recede. It kept coming further and further onto land. It was very calm - the water just kept surging forward, going around buildings and trees and cars, and into resort pools.

Then the water started receding... and receding, further and further. Much further than the normal tide was minutes before. The beach was extended by what seemed like hundreds of feet. The tsunami was pulling all the water out into the giant surge that was about to hit. The first surge was like a warning. A warning of the enormous amount of water that was about to crash onto land and do massive damage.

I know this is bizarre but I thought of all this tsunami stuff because of the crazy AF I'm having. Day 1 was the first little surge, the warning. Then it tapered off to nothing at all. Yesterday afternoon the tsunami hit.

Ugh. I haven't cramped this badly or had an AF this heavy for years and years. It's annoying and of course, disappointing (down with hope! down with hope!). Last night I was suffering through wave after wave and started day dreaming that I was someone on that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show and about to give birth.

But, it might be a good sign.

Maybe the medicine I've been taking and the lifestyle changes I've been making and the weight I've been losing is making a difference. Maybe this is a start to a future of more regular cycles. Maybe even *gasp* ovulatory ones...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Fake Out

Yikes I really need to get that last post with the giant yellow... whatever off from the very top :)

Yesterday I woke up to CD1. Annoying and mildly depressing but I was actually excited. My last cycle was only 36 days! In the past two years I have only gone below 40-something ONCE (a 38 day-er) and that was ~1.5 years ago. 36 is seriously awesome for me.

Something else interesting about yesterday was the cramping. I NEVER cramp. When I was on BCPs I used to get horrendous cramps but off BCPs, nothing. I felt them all day long and they got worse enough at night to actually take a couple ibu. I thought, ugh, I'm really in for a heavy one this time...

Um, apparently not. By bedtime I was barely spotting and this morning, nothing.

Maybe it's just taking its sweet time but with the cramping, it's so odd.

And you know what all this oddness does, right? You know what I'm about to say? Ok well, I won't say it. But just for the record. Hope, you're a fuckin bitch.


In other news, I'm down to 13 posts in my reader! Yay :) I am finally able to comment regularly again. I just need to get all caught up with work (oh I have a LONG way to go) and I'll be much less stressed.

This past Tue my boss called me and said, "How busy are you?" Oh gah. This is never good. Well it turns out she wants me to help out on a few matters with coworkers that I've never worked with before and I'll need to go up to our NYC office to train with them. "Can you come out tomorrow for the rest of the week?" ... Seriously?? Am I the only one who thinks less than one day's notice is total BS? Maybe if I was a single, career-minded person I would be at their beck and call but damn, I have a life outside of work, ya know. It's just really infuriating when they pull this crap. It should be enough that people in my dept are on call basically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. R was none too pleased either which only serves to stress me out further. I feel bad for him - work is a crazy hell-hole for him lately and my travel needs were only serving to make things worse.

I compromised with my boss and am set to go to NYC this Mon and come back on Tue night. Still short notice but I really shouldn't just say no if I want to remain in good standing here. (I hope I don't get too far behind in blogging while I'm gone! haha)


Hmm the cramping seems to be coming back now...

Monday, June 7, 2010

100th/101st Post

Hah! I just realized that the last post was my 100th. This blog is almost 1.5 years old which just solidifies my lazy-blogger persona. Ah well :)

I should really write about the 5k but I don't feel like it. Let's see if I have any pics to share...

Bet no one can guess what this is.

It's not very exciting (just bizarre) so I won't keep you guessing. This picture is of a sculpture that was right outside the building I work in. Like most major downtown areas that I've been to, there is random art scattered around and someone must have thought this was a great work of art (!?). I used to pass it every day and it was the weirdest thing. Having my mind in the gutter most of the time didn't help with sculpture interpretation.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Bloggy Redesign and Pic of Me (sort-of)

I have 289 posts in my reader (way down from over 600 when I got back) and I'm still trying to catch up.

While reading some old posts I found this one from a very sweet and helpful blogger and was intrigued. I gave it a try and, even though it's still very cookie-cutter, I think the new layout came out well :) I'm guilty of reading most posts from my reader and not clicking over to the blog but I love to see new blog designs. If you are the same way, this is just a note to click over and see my ocean...

I also updated my profile pic and am posting it here as well. It's another cruise pic - I'm standing out on our balcony taking weird pics of scenery and myself. Yeah, my head is cut off but I think this is the most brave I'm going to get on this blog.

I've been thinking about how best to post about the vacation and I think I'll have to do it in installments so as not to overwhelm. We took over 600 pics (haha) and there's a lot to tell/show. I've already thought up my first post so I'll be posting that when I get back from the wedding (hopefully).

There will be lots of cookie baking going on at my house tonight. We are doing a version of a "cookie table" for favors at the wedding but instead of letting guests pack their own, we've made decorative containers and I will be baking, filling containers, and wrapping tonight. (Luckily, it's a very small wedding!)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Back from Vacation

It was so beautiful.

I want to go back.

Tons more pics to come and also talk about the 5K that happened right before I left but I'm trying (and failing) to get back in the work groove and my sister's wedding is this Saturday. I'm busy making/planning her wedding favors, we have manicure appts on Thurs, and I'm picking up cookies for the favors on Friday. Oh and I'm really second guessing my dress for the occasion. Oy.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Crazy Stressed

I feel crazy and uncontrollably stressed.
The 5k is in 10 days and I'm so nervous about it. To make matters worse, I've been sick for more than a week now (tail end of it now and I'm so very tired of coughing) and we have not gone running this entire time. I don't even remember when the last time that we went was. I'm planning to get out there at least 3 - 5 times before the 20th but I totally don't feel prepared. I don't know the course at all which makes me feel even less in control. One of the organizers told me that they were going to have a couple practice runs but apparently they didn't bother to include me since I haven't heard anything more about it. Thanks for the song recommendations, I appreciate them :) I still can't decide if I should wear headphones though. I've had recommendations against them and technically they are against the rules (but others on our team are wearing them). I'm just not sure what to do...
I'm very behind at work and not sure how I'm ever going to catch up enough to lessen my stress. Blogging right now is not helping but at least it's one thing I can check off my list today.
Being stressed really sucks because I should be getting excited. In a little less than 2 weeks we are leaving for Seattle, WA to go on an Alaskan cruise for our 5 year anniversary. I absolutely can not wait to see the ocean! If I can push the 5k and work out of my mind, I'm so very happy at the thought of this vacation. Although I prefer warm, tropical places, I love to travel and see new things. I think it will be beautiful and honestly, I love the ocean so much I would be giddy for a cruise to just about anywhere.
Ugh I really REALLY need to get caught up with work in the next 12 days so that I can be completely stress-free and relax and enjoy this vacation as much as possible. I've been on one other cruise, 6 years ago, (Caribbean) and I loved it so much. An Alaskan cruise has been a dream of mine for a long time.
The wood floors came out great. We love them. I lost my thumb drive with all my pics - hopefully it's just lost in my house somewhere - so I haven't been able to post pics in a while. I'm sad because I had a lot of stuff I was planning to post on that drive. But, since the floors are more recent, I do have before/after shots to share!

Living room before

Living room after (shoes on rug to hold edges down)

Dining room before (pile of flooring in boxes)

Dining room after

And my favorite change: Hallway before (I HATED that runner)

Hallway after (yay!) - spare wood slats on rug to uncurl it

The pics are all in various stages of furniture moving but you can get the idea. The old wall-to-wall carpeting was from the previous owner, stained, and dirty-looking, and I'm so glad it's gone!

Monday, May 3, 2010


This posting more often thing is not going as I envisioned...

I now have 766 new posts in my reader (ugh.)

We are having wood floors installed in our living room/dining room this morning. I took before pics and plan on posting before/after shots. Should be a big difference, I'm excited.

We spent the weekend emptying the contents of the rooms into our garage. Not too hard, we don't have a ton of stuff. But I couldn't lift the bigger of the two couches so we had to call over one of R's coworkers to help with that one piece.

I think I couldn't lift the couch because I've been slowly getting sick since saturday morning. Tickle deep in my throat. Not painful at all, just a tickle and a dry sensation when swallowing. Biggest symptom is a cough. I made a doctor's appt for later today but now I feel silly. It's probably just something that needs to run its course.

I haven't gone running in more than a week and I keep having nightmares about the 5k. Yikes.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Not a Quick Post (ICLW and Running Update)

Happy ICLW everyone :) I'm going to be horrible this month, ugh. My priorities are all messed up, work is crazy, and blogging is taking a back-seat at the moment. Will definitely do my best though. If you want to know more about me and what I'm talking about, scroll down to the end of the post when you see asterisks.

Running* update!
Note: we** are working on distance, adding .1 mile about every week. Our speed seems to be sticking right around the high 13's / low 14's so, even though we're still super slow, I'm proud of what we're accomplishing.

Run time: 32:48
Run Distance: 2.31 miles
Ave Pace: 14:14/mi
(100 crunches)

Run time: 32:39
Run Distance: 2.30 miles
Ave Pace: 14:12/mi

Run time: 33:44
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 13:58/mi

Run time: 33:35
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 13:58/mi

Run time: 34:25
Run Distance: 2.41 miles
Ave Pace: 14:16/mi

Run time: 35:48
Run Distance: 2.50 miles
Ave Pace: 14:19/mi

Run time: 34:48
Run Distance: 2.50 miles
Ave Pace: 13:55/mi

Run time: 35:33
Run Distance: 2.52 miles
Ave Pace: 14:06/mi

We've finally gotten up the courage to branch out of our normal loops and into neighboring areas. 4/18 was our first time in the new area and included our first slight hill. It had a lot of downhill as well, which is why our pace was so good that day. The next run (4/20) was around the same area but included two more small, but longer hills, which our pace clearly shows. We were so tired after that last run.

I've been continuing with crunches almost every time we go - usually ~110. Things are generally going great in the (lack of) pain dept. No shin or knee pain at all. My left hamstring (? area from my lower butt cheek to the back of my knee) has been hurting lately. It's really tight after I run and I've been trying to stretch it out well, and often. It has gotten better in the past few days. The arch of my left foot is still hurting too. That started earlier this year before I even started running again so I don't think it's specifically from running but I'm sure it doesn't help. I've been stretching it out by rolling on a tennis ball and that seems to help.

Now a bit of exciting news:


It's May 20th in the early evening. I'm freaked out. I've already had a bad dream about it. I think signing up scared me enough that I started making excuses to not go running. You'd think it would motivate, but not for me apparently. It's a corporate challenge event (technically 3.5 miles... that's a bit longer than 5k, isn't it?) downtown in the city I work and my company is sponsoring its employees who signed up. The proceeds are donated to the boy's and girl's club of the area. I really want to get up to jogging 3 miles straight before May 20th. I don't think I'll be able to run the whole thing but if I (show up at all) run most of it, and actually finish, I'll be satisfied. So Very. Nervous.

Since I always run with C, I've never listened to music. I have an ip.o.d to.uch but I'm thinking of getting a shuffle. My problem then becomes what music should I listen to while running?? I love all kinds of different music, I can't say I completely don't like any one category. I need some upbeat songs to add to a future running play-list. If you have suggestions, please HELP! :)

* Last year in March I decided to see if I could become a runner. I have never been very athletic and have never run at all. Never. I followed the couch to 5k plan and ended up quitting due to procrastination in May '09. I started back up in Aug '09 and finally completed the plan in Nov '09. I kept running for a few weeks but stopped when it got below freezing (I only run outside, I've never run on a treadmill). I started back up in March '10 and have blogged the whole journey so far.

** "We" in conjunction with running always refers to myself and my sister, C. She has been learning to jog with me almost the whole time and is a huge source of motivation for me. We also spend time often doing non-joggy things together. She lives 1 mile from me and I'm so happy to have her so close.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Time for a Change

Whoa baby I think I follow too many blogs. I have over 550 new posts in my reader. Definitely feeling overwhelmed. Both in blogland and in "real life".

Last week I went to our NYC office for work and stayed from Tue to Thurs. I was all caught up in blog reading when I left but didn't keep up after that. I so want to read all of them but I know I'll never be able to. Needless to say I haven't been commenting at all and I feel badly about that. I miss hearing about what's going on and giving support. I do plan to be back.

But first, I want to make a few changes.

I've been in a huge rut at work and I need to get back on track for my own sanity. It's definitely a catch 22... I'm unhappy at work and my productivity suffers, and then I have so much to do that I just don't do anything (way too overwhelmed and that's how I deal), and then I'm that much more unhappy. Rinse, repeat.

So, first, I need to focus on work when I'm at work, and stop letting things pile up. I'm not too hopeful for this one, I've been battling procrastination most of my life. Work is picking up as well. I've gotten two new clients in the past week and work for one of my newer clients is picking up as of this weekend. Love the emails at 5:30pm on a Friday saying "We need A, B, and C done this weekend in time for work to start on Monday morning. Eff you, jerks.

Until I get work under control, I'm only going to allow myself a certain amount of time to read blogs. Hopefully I can catch up a bunch this weekend, even though I'll have a bunch of work to do.

Second, I want to start posting more regular, and shorter, updates. There are so many things I want to blog about but then I never do. My plan is to post often on weekday mornings. Even if it's just a quick one-line post.

There are exciting things (non pregnancy/motherhood related) coming in the next few months and I really want to blog about them.

My appt to go over the blood work results is this Monday. The office already called me about my TSH level and my triglycerides. My TSH is 8 and they think I have hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about this, 8 doesn't seem that much higher than the normal range, but I'm willing to try the medication to lower it. I've read so many different things about it, I'm not sure what to believe. My triglyceride level is crazily high and they want me to take medication to try and lower that too. I'm not really sure why this is specifically bad but I did read that it goes hand in hand with diabetes which I have a huge risk for. I've been slowly changing my diet but a level so high would be better helped with medication I guess. The main medication for this is not safe for pregnancy so I'm not sure what will be decided at this point.

Self imposed blogging limit reached. I have work to do still and I can't wait to get to bed. I think I could sleep for 48 hours straight.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Blood Work, Finally

AF arrived on Friday morning, 3/26 (*punches Hope in the face* and, stay down!), and I called that day for an appt for my CD3 blood work. Yes, the same blood work I've been trying to get done since my last fertility appt at the end of Oct.

The first CD3 after my appt this happened and I couldn't get the blood work done. The second one was over New Years and there was no place open. The third was in Feb and I wasn't even sure if AF was here or not. I spotted, then stopped completely, then spotted again. That went on for about 2 weeks - I was very confused.

So, finally, I went in yesterday morning and had 5 vials drawn! Yay! I have a needles-poking-me phobia but as I get older (and of course I've had a lot of blood work done in the past 13 years) I'm getting better about it. I can now keep myself from freaking out all the way up until the needle is actually coming at me. Then I clamp my eyes shut, hyperventilate (though I focus hard on breathing deeply and slowly), and squeak as the needle is going in. After that I keep my eyes closed but I'm basically fine. Even when the needle is still in, and even when I can hear the blood spurting into each vial.

I went to one of the blood draw labs, not my clinic. The woman there was awesome. She took me right in and did everything quick, quick. She even asked "oh, am I hurting you?" at one point. I only have a tiny red dot where the needle went in, no bruise or anything. Now THAT is the sign of a good stab. I will definitely be going back to that place for any future blood work.

So anyway, my appt to go over my results is on 4/19. My HSG was 2 years ago now so another one may be in my future and a medicated cycle (with BDing, not an IUI or IVF) may be in my future as well.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Wild* Hope and Powerful Dreams

I dreamt I was pregnant. That's obviously not a rare dream topic.

I dreamt I was pregnant with quadruplets.

I was excited, and scared, and crying, and worried.

I wanted all four with all my heart, yet I didn't want to jeopardize all of them by trying to bring all of them into the world.

I was scared to tell my husband, but when I told him he was surprisingly less freaked than I thought he'd be.

This dream will never be finished, it will never have an ending.

It was a powerful dream.

I'm still thinking about it now.

I've, once again, let hope creep way too far into my brain and heart for my own good. So far in that I know that if this is it, I'd be due at the beginning of Dec. I had some twinges and cramping yesterday morning on the way in to work. I very rarely have cramps, not even during AF.

Yet, at the same time, I know that this is not IT. And I know I'll be sad when that nasty glimmer of hope is crushed once again.

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a tease that I might be pregnant. I know I'm not. But Hope doesn't give a shit what I know.

adj. wild·er, wild·est
1. Occurring, growing, or living in a natural state; not domesticated, cultivated, or tamed: wild geese; edible wild plants
2. Not inhabited or farmed: remote, wild country
3. Uncivilized or barbarous; savage
4. a. Lacking supervision or restraint: wild children living in the street
b. Disorderly; unruly: a wild scene in the school cafeteria
c. Characterized by a lack of moral restraint; dissolute or licentious: recalled his wild youth with remorse
5. Lacking regular order or arrangement; disarranged: wild locks of long hair
6. Full of, marked by, or suggestive of strong, uncontrolled emotion: wild with jealousy; a wild look in his eye; a wild rage
7. Extravagant; fantastic: a wild idea.
8. Furiously disturbed or turbulent; stormy: wild weather
9. Risky; imprudent: wild financial schemes
10. a. Impatiently eager: wild to get away for the weekend
b. Informal Highly enthusiastic: just wild about the new music
11. Based on little or no evidence or probability; unfounded: wild accusations; a wild guess

12. Deviating greatly from an intended course; erratic: a wild bullet

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thanks! / Happy ICLW! / Running Update / Questions?

I'm feeling better than I was when I posted last. Maybe just day-tripping on the pity boat instead of an extended cruise. I'm almost totally over the jerky elevator guy (though I'd still like to punch him.) Thanks to everyone who left truly awesome, thoughtful, caring comments on my last post. I really felt the love and it made me feel so much better. I was trying to thank everyone individually but I think I've lost track. Still trying though! Sending *hugs* to everyone. Really, really Thank You.

Happy ICLW! I'm usually a commenting fool so I won't have any trouble making my quota this week but, as always, I suck at posting regularly. If it's your first time here, thanks for visiting! I'm excited to check out some new blogs. To learn about me, I have a timeline in the left sidebar and you could read the ABC post I did a while ago, too.

Running update:
Things are going well for just starting back up. C (my youngest sister) and I are still surprised we were able to jump right back into it so easily. We are working back up to our standard 3x per week schedule. Here's what we've done so far.

Run time: 30:10
Run Distance: 2.00 miles
Ave Pace: 15:05/mi
(100 crunches)

Run time: 31:27
Run Distance: 2.22 miles
Ave Pace: 14:11/mi

Run time: 30:19
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 13:48/mi

Run time: 30:54
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 14:39/mi
(110 crunches)

Run time: 31:15
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 14:13/mi
(110 crunches)

We are definitely getting better (first day back - 15:19/mi). We don't specifically work on speed. It just happens as we get more comfortable jogging. I think my goal of a 12:59min/mile pace (for at least the first 2 miles) by June is very doable without working on speed at all. C and I decided that we are now going to add .1 to our mileage weekly, until we get to 3 miles. This coming week we'll be jogging 2.3 miles so that will put us at 3 the week of May 10th. If it takes us a bit longer, that's fine. My goal is to consistently jog 3 miles straight by June.

Almost no pain at all so far and my knees are doing great. I have been having some tightness/pain on the bottom of my left foot but it started before I started running again so I don't think it's from running. I've been stretching it out by rolling my foot on a tennis ball and it seems to be working. I'm planning to go to a local running store I found soon to check out new shoes (mine are almost a year old now!) and hopefully get some info from them.

Yoga last week was annoying. For some reason I felt weak and I couldn't do a lot of the poses (that I've done many times before) very well. Hopefully it was just a bad yoga day. I've decided not to look for another yoga class right now. I'm trying to find a yoga for weight loss DVD I had but it's lost. If I find it, I plan to add it once a week to what I already do. Anyone have a yoga DVD you love and would recommend?

Instead of going to an extra yoga class per week, I've decided to sign River up for an obedience class. He really needs the attention and mental stimulation. We've done lots of classes before but we haven't done anything now for 6-9 months.

Speaking of River, I just gave him a bath (woo boy he needed one BADLY) and I should really stop blogging now and take him for a walk so he can dry off.

One last thing though - I've gotten a few questions in comments lately and I'm planning to answer them all in one post very soon. If anyone has anything else you'd like to ask me, fire away! Answers to come hopefully later this week.

Questions received so far:
Comment asking to hear more about dog agility. Talk about my dog? Anytime!
Are you familiar with the "Couch to 5K" program? Short answer: yep. Will elaborate.
Have you thought of adopting a baby? I'm positive I'm not the only infertile who has been asked this. I don't take offence but it's complicated. I'll do my best to answer.
It sounds like you are giving up on treatments to get pregnant. Am I missing something? Why? Again, complicated. I will talk about it more in depth though.

Anyone else have any questions? :)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mid-Week Pity Boating

Oh, I am definitely full steam ahead on the Pity Boat today.

Someone made me tear-up on my way up to yoga. My feelings get hurt way too easily.
(I got on the elevator to go three floors up to the class. I take the elevator to the class for many different reasons (read: excuses) - I have bad knees and it's painful to climb stairs, especially in heels; I wait until the very last minute so I'm not gone from my desk too long and if I take the elevator it's usually faster; yoga is about relaxation for me and running up three flights of stairs and immediately trying to relax doesn't work for me. Anyway, there were 2 people already on the elevator and I joined them. One floor up the elevator stops for a delivery guy with a big cart and I get out because I was totally not paying attention. I was confused for a minute at the unfamiliar floor. I started to head back to the elevator only to hear the guy on the elevator make some snide comment about me exercising but being lazy enough to take the elevator up one floor. grrr. Yeah, I know this is stupid but it really hurt my feelings. That guy doesn't know me. I wanted to follow them up to their floor and tell him that I'm not lazy... just stupid with bad knees. heh. Probably a bad idea.)

My yoga instructor opened the class telling us how she got to watch her granddaughter take her first breath (be born) this past weekend.

...I will never get to experience that. With children or grandchildren.

My yoga class ended with everyone talking about what they named their kids and what their kids named their grandchildren.

...I will never get to name a baby.

Pregnancy is all around me lately.

This year I have found out that many coworkers are expecting, including one of the two other people in my office also in my specific dept. She sits down the hall from me and is definitely a belly-rubber. Not that I've seen her rub her belly yet but you know the type. She CANNOT stop talking about her pregnancy. I know all about how she really wanted a boy and that how women in her family don't show until they're at least 6 months and oh so much more. Now I know that she just found out it's a boy (and she hasn't even specifically told me). Another coworker (also an acquaintance outside of work) came into my office last fall and told me he and his new wife were thinking about having a baby and when are R and I going to have kids? Ugh. The dreaded question. I found out about a month ago that they are expecting and that she was about 3 months. Didn't take effin long, huh?

There are a few blogs I keep up with because they were among the very first blogs I read. They are not IF blogs and I recently learned that three of them are pregnant with their second babies. They were just pregnant with their first when I started reading them about 2 years ago. Serves me right for continuing to read I suppose.

I can't do anything online or watch anything on TV without being reminded that parenthood is the norm. It's sickeningly normal! It just happens without a second thought for so many people. Most women my age and older are moms. I can't help but think how it will feel when I'm 50 and still don't have any kids. Hopefully I'll have mourned and accepted it by then.

When I feel like this it overwhelms me that I don't have a final resolution. I feel like I'm mourning my never-to-be children over and over again. Depressed, I say goodbye to motherhood, only to have a little hope sneak back in the next day/week/month, and then I have to say goodbye again. ("pain on pain on play repeating")

I almost wish for something to happen that will force me to mourn once and for all and then move on with my life.

Well, I will get to mourn once and for all. I suspect that will happen when I go through menopause. But that seems like way too long to go on like this.