Friday, January 30, 2009

Five Fabulous Questions

For all the Bloggers that want to play! Here's how it works: 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by e-mailing you 5 questions. 3. You update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You include this explanation and an offer to interview others. 5. When you receive the comment from another, you will send them 5 questions.

1. If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for? (and you can't wish for more wishes!)

This is a tough one actually. If I seriously had three wishes I think I would wish for things like, my (step)dad and grandpa to be alive, my husband/sisters/brother/mother/father to have very happy, long lives, etc. I think way to much into this question :) Speaking very selfishly, I'd wish for:

-My husband and I to truelly live "happily ever after" - I want to be 85 yrs old, sitting with him in our living room, watching TV, and still completely in love with each other.

-To get pregnant at least once, ending in a healthy baby->child->teenager->adult.

-To win the lottery for enough money to keep my husband and I at our current lifestyle but allow us the option of whether or not to continue working full time. (We really have it pretty good right now but it would be awesome not to have to worry about our financial future, have savings for our child(ren) and have enough to help out our families if they need it.)

2. What do you like best about where you live?

The best thing about where I live is that my husband is here :) If it weren't for him I would not live in NY. I also really enjoy the fall colors in this area.

3. If you could have one "do over" in life, but the ending would still be where you are now, what would it be?

A lot of my regrets in my life stem from my first marriage and the couple years leading to our divorce. However, I would not want to apply a "do over" to those times since they would definitely change my life with my husband now. I think if I could have a "do over", I would not have dropped out of college at 19. At the time, I was seriously thinking of transferring to a marine biology school in TX - I really wish I would have done that.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Picking only from places I have visited or lived before, I would choose to live in Southern CA. I lived there for three years and loved the area and the climate. I never felt an earthquake and didn't mind the traffic; however, I think I would be worried about potential earthquakes if I were to decide to move there permanently. Speaking more generally - I would just love to live within walking distance of the ocean.

5. How do you indulge?

I indulge by spending hours on the internet reading stories and information about pregnancy, childbirth, child raising, etc and (only as of 2008) by reading blogs. I also indulge (with my husband) by going out to eat, often... I love all kinds of food. TODAY I'm indulging by eating these:
dark chocolate covered pretzels - YUM! :)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Motherhood Dreams

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have children. I've wanted to be a mother.

I "protected" myself from it (because we all know it happens as soon as you have unprotected sex ONCE... right?) until I was married and we felt like we were ready to become parents. I didn't have to wait for that very long. I got married when I was 19 and by the time I was 20 (he was 23), we decided we were ready to start a family.

It never worked. Now I can look back and see that it was a good thing that it didn't work with him but at the time it was heart breaking. I learned that when you are in your early 20s doctors don't take you very seriously when you tell them you can't conceive. "You have plenty of time!" "Don't worry, just relax." "It will happen before you know it." When you are in your early 30s they take you more seriously.

In these past 12.5 years I have never had a positive pregnancy test.

I have been reading blogs of moms who have gone through miscarriages and other horrible things, my heart goes out to them, and I count myself lucky to have never had to experience the loss of a child. At the same time I wonder how I could have gone so long and never gotten pregnant. Something must be very wrong with me.

Now, because of certain happenings in my life, I have not actually been trying for the entirety of the last 12.5 years. I was on birth control pills for 2 of those years, right in the middle, because doctors told me it would help regulate my cycles and because it was most definitely NOT the right time in my life to bring a child into the world.

I was put on clomid in my early 20s with no effect. However, they were not monitoring my ovulation while I was on the drug either. Since reading about other people on clomid, I realize at some point they should probably have been doing that. To my knowledge, I have never even detected an actual ovulation despite many months of temping and taking ovulation tests. I have wasted so much money on tests. Being obsessed with becoming pregnant and having irregular cycles is quite an interesting form of torture.

I had an HSG done this past spring. I still have both tubes (there was some concern that one tube would be deformed or missing due to an issue I had when I was 20), they look normal and have no blockages. Great news? I guess. Unfortunately, the big questions still remain. Why am I broken? What am I doing wrong?

The doctors I have seen do not want to give me clomid again, given my past. My next option is apparently forced ovulation with injectibles. I have some reservations about this and so does my husband. I also can't help but think it would all be for nothing. After so many times wishing and willing that second pink line to show up, I can no longer imagine it finally happening.

Will I ever get to be a mother? I don't like to think about it anymore. At times I give up completely and realize the truth - I will never get pregnant. Then hope creeps back in for a while, month after month goes by and I give up all over again. Often now I find myself thinking that maybe it would be easier if I were able to give up for good. Get a tubal or have my husband get a vasectomy or be told by a dr that XYZ is wrong with me so I will never be able to conceive. I would be horribly sad but maybe going through the sadness all at once and then being able to move on from the certainty would be easier than living in this uncertain child-free limbo.

Family means a lot to me. My dream is to have a family of my own, to stay home and raise my child(ren), take care of my husband, and tend to my home. I'm sure there are many women who would cringe at that statement but it has been my goal my entire life. Oh, how I would have been shocked if someone told my 20 year old self that at 32 I would still be childless. Instead, I have a career in an office, I travel to NYC "on business" (weird), I'm paid well (imo) and I do my job well (when I want to). I'm so lucky to have the job I have... but... I would give it up in a heartbeat for a daughter or son.

My Ex is a Father

Ugh. That's all I have to say.

Well, ok, maybe I have a bit more to say. I've been living apart from my ex since late in 2000. I remained in contact with him for a few years after that. In fact, a week after our divorce was final he called to tell me he was engaged. Great - a big congratulations to you. He told me at that time that they were going to wait a year or two to get married which had something to do with schooling of one or both of them. I don't remember. So anyway, I think my ex is a good guy and I wanted to stay friends with him (if he was ok with that). I called him one day, at the house number that used to be my house number, and his fiance's voice was on the message - I hung up. Some time passed (maybe a couple months?), I got up the courage to call again and the number had been disconnected. I havn't spoken to or heard from him since. Until last week.

Facebook is evil. It's totally my own fault, my own curiousity - I found him, no mistaking the pic, he looks the same as I remember, only older (yeah, I state the obvious) - and in his arms was a boy, no older than two. My heart sank. I felt extremely jealous, sad, happy for him, guilty, regretful, furious, shallow and... SELFISH... all at the same time. It turns out not only was I right, that is his son but he is expecting another baby boy in May. UGH.

Why am I still caught up in the past? I love my husband. I am so happy things worked out in my life that lead me to meet my husband. I definitely don't wish I was still married to my ex. So why the heck can't I let go? I feel like a bad person for being both furious and depressed that he is now a father of two, and I have never had a child.

Some details are missing here. I have only just begun this blog so I have yet to detail my long and twisted road to becoming a parent. I suppose I will eventually.

I want to have a happy weekend so, since I can't figure out how to get over it, I'm going to do my best to ignore this new information for now. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wednesday - The Good and The Bad

Good: It's almost time to go home!
Bad: Still two more days of work until the weekend.

Good: We may be painting the new walls in the basement this weekend!
Bad: Being in the middle of renovation is so annoying.

Good: We get to go shopping tonight to try and find a bar sink and some tile for the new counter.
Bad: We have to go shopping tonight to try and find a bar sink and some tile for the new counter. (So conflicted - I love looking at all the stuff but then I feel overwhelmed when trying to pick out things that actually go together or when we can't find anything we like.)

Good: I haven't gained any weight since last spring when I last was weighing myself regularly.
Bad: I haven't lost any either.

Good: I had a semi-bizarre baby dream last night that my husband and I had twins, a boy and a girl. (he actually delivered them but yeah... we'll ignore that part for now.)
Bad: I woke up feeling dazed and sad. (which usually happens after a particularly vivid dream of motherhood.)

Good: It's 4 degrees warmer right now that it was earlier in the day.
Bad: It's still only 12 degrees.

Good: We actually might get home tonight in enough time to make dinner (depending on how long shopping goes on for).
Bad: I have no idea what we should make.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Sad Silence

When I was a kid I would visit my grandparents (my biological father's parents) at least once a year. I loved going there. I had yearly visits to their house from before I can remember up through my early 20s. They spoiled me, fed me yummy stuff and made me feel like I was the center of the universe. It was awesome and I loved them (and still do) so much.

While visiting (even as an adult) I would always sleep in the same room, at the very end of a short hall way leading from the kitchen/living room area to the main bathroom and bedrooms. In the mornings my grandparents would always get up early and I would usually sleep late.

My grandpa was a farmer and even in retirement he would get up at the crack of dawn, get ready for the day, have breakfast, talk with my grandma and then head out to "the farm", which is a small peice of land that he kept with a large barn-type building and a smaller living space. I didn't go to "the farm" as often as my brother and my three (male) cousins used to but I will remember it fondly.

Anyway, because they got up early and I got up late, I would often wake up to the sounds of their voices. I loved listening to them talk in the other room. I would lay in bed even after I was wide awake just listening to the sound of their conversations. My room was far enough away that I couldn't hear most of what was said, only a word here and there, but I enjoyed listening just the same.

Last weekend I went to visit my grandma. My grandpa died on Nov 24th, 2008 so this was the first time I've been to visit since the funeral. On Sunday morning when I woke up, I laid in bed listening...

There was only silence.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Already Being Bad

Sheesh, I'm already not updating this as often as I would like to. I have several posts in mind to start writing but I always end up doing something else.

Today has been a very busy day at work but I'm actually keeping up with my time entries (incredibly annoying part of the job) which is one of my psuedo new years resolutions. So yay!

Boring post but I had to put something in!

Friday, January 2, 2009

First Post

I'm sitting here at work thinking about all the things I'd like to say and do with this blog and also about all the things I should be doing at work...

I guess I'll start by explaining the blog title. The phrase "pity boat" is something I used to use when I was in highschool and I was feeling bad about myself. No matter what it was, too fat, bad hair, friend problems, boyfriend problems, school problems, parental problems, or even just a general feeling of blah, I'd use it to describe how I was feeling and to joke about it with my friend. "All aboard the pity boat! wooo woooo" and off I would go in my complaining.

Now-a-days I think I "board the pity boat" a lot less often but I still think of it every now and then. If I'm being really hard on myself about something or other I'll think of it and smile. So, while it sounds like a really negative title, it's not so very negative to me. Maybe it won't be the title forever (maybe I should have called it "Random Ramblings" since I'm getting the feeling that is where this blog is going).

Being a new year and all (2009... so crazy), I've been thinking a lot about weight loss and making some goals for myself (weight and non-weight related). I know this is a common thing that a lot of people think about during this time of year. I'm hoping that having this journal of sorts and writing down my goals will help me stick to them. I think I'll make a separate post all about this stuff in the next couple days.

Current Events
- Tomorrow I will be visiting my grandmother (about 2.5 hours away) for the weekend. I am making it a point to visit her a lot more this year than I have in the past. This will be a good start. Can't wait to see you grandma!

- Last month we had a crazy ice storm, lost power for three days and our basement flooded because of the no power situation. The main area that flooded was also a finished area :/ So, right now, we are in the middle of renovating our basement. It will be awesome to be able to use that space when we are done (we were using it before just as temporary storage) but it is definitely a pain in the butt to be going through.

So far we've:
had all the water cleaned up by ServPro and then they bent us over big time with the bill
ripped out all the walls, ceilings, fixtures
put in a new tankless water heater to replace our 10+ yr old one (hey, why not?)
had our french drains cleaned out
had the basement floor in both "finished" and "unfinished" area cleaned, primed and painted

The paint is still drying on some areas of the floor but at least I can do laundry again! yay Boxes and stuff that really belongs in the basement is strewn about our house right now and it sucks. Hopefully we will be able to start bringing stuff down to the "unfinished" storage side of our basement this weekend.

- We still have our christmas tree up... no clue when that sucker's comin down.

Well, this was a long first post. I'll stop for now. Here's hoping 2009 turns out to be a great year!