Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Blood Work, Finally

AF arrived on Friday morning, 3/26 (*punches Hope in the face* and, stay down!), and I called that day for an appt for my CD3 blood work. Yes, the same blood work I've been trying to get done since my last fertility appt at the end of Oct.

The first CD3 after my appt this happened and I couldn't get the blood work done. The second one was over New Years and there was no place open. The third was in Feb and I wasn't even sure if AF was here or not. I spotted, then stopped completely, then spotted again. That went on for about 2 weeks - I was very confused.

So, finally, I went in yesterday morning and had 5 vials drawn! Yay! I have a needles-poking-me phobia but as I get older (and of course I've had a lot of blood work done in the past 13 years) I'm getting better about it. I can now keep myself from freaking out all the way up until the needle is actually coming at me. Then I clamp my eyes shut, hyperventilate (though I focus hard on breathing deeply and slowly), and squeak as the needle is going in. After that I keep my eyes closed but I'm basically fine. Even when the needle is still in, and even when I can hear the blood spurting into each vial.

I went to one of the blood draw labs, not my clinic. The woman there was awesome. She took me right in and did everything quick, quick. She even asked "oh, am I hurting you?" at one point. I only have a tiny red dot where the needle went in, no bruise or anything. Now THAT is the sign of a good stab. I will definitely be going back to that place for any future blood work.

So anyway, my appt to go over my results is on 4/19. My HSG was 2 years ago now so another one may be in my future and a medicated cycle (with BDing, not an IUI or IVF) may be in my future as well.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Wild* Hope and Powerful Dreams

I dreamt I was pregnant. That's obviously not a rare dream topic.

I dreamt I was pregnant with quadruplets.

I was excited, and scared, and crying, and worried.

I wanted all four with all my heart, yet I didn't want to jeopardize all of them by trying to bring all of them into the world.

I was scared to tell my husband, but when I told him he was surprisingly less freaked than I thought he'd be.

This dream will never be finished, it will never have an ending.

It was a powerful dream.

I'm still thinking about it now.

I've, once again, let hope creep way too far into my brain and heart for my own good. So far in that I know that if this is it, I'd be due at the beginning of Dec. I had some twinges and cramping yesterday morning on the way in to work. I very rarely have cramps, not even during AF.

Yet, at the same time, I know that this is not IT. And I know I'll be sad when that nasty glimmer of hope is crushed once again.

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a tease that I might be pregnant. I know I'm not. But Hope doesn't give a shit what I know.

adj. wild·er, wild·est
1. Occurring, growing, or living in a natural state; not domesticated, cultivated, or tamed: wild geese; edible wild plants
2. Not inhabited or farmed: remote, wild country
3. Uncivilized or barbarous; savage
4. a. Lacking supervision or restraint: wild children living in the street
b. Disorderly; unruly: a wild scene in the school cafeteria
c. Characterized by a lack of moral restraint; dissolute or licentious: recalled his wild youth with remorse
5. Lacking regular order or arrangement; disarranged: wild locks of long hair
6. Full of, marked by, or suggestive of strong, uncontrolled emotion: wild with jealousy; a wild look in his eye; a wild rage
7. Extravagant; fantastic: a wild idea.
8. Furiously disturbed or turbulent; stormy: wild weather
9. Risky; imprudent: wild financial schemes
10. a. Impatiently eager: wild to get away for the weekend
b. Informal Highly enthusiastic: just wild about the new music
11. Based on little or no evidence or probability; unfounded: wild accusations; a wild guess

12. Deviating greatly from an intended course; erratic: a wild bullet

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thanks! / Happy ICLW! / Running Update / Questions?

I'm feeling better than I was when I posted last. Maybe just day-tripping on the pity boat instead of an extended cruise. I'm almost totally over the jerky elevator guy (though I'd still like to punch him.) Thanks to everyone who left truly awesome, thoughtful, caring comments on my last post. I really felt the love and it made me feel so much better. I was trying to thank everyone individually but I think I've lost track. Still trying though! Sending *hugs* to everyone. Really, really Thank You.

Happy ICLW! I'm usually a commenting fool so I won't have any trouble making my quota this week but, as always, I suck at posting regularly. If it's your first time here, thanks for visiting! I'm excited to check out some new blogs. To learn about me, I have a timeline in the left sidebar and you could read the ABC post I did a while ago, too.

Running update:
Things are going well for just starting back up. C (my youngest sister) and I are still surprised we were able to jump right back into it so easily. We are working back up to our standard 3x per week schedule. Here's what we've done so far.

Run time: 30:10
Run Distance: 2.00 miles
Ave Pace: 15:05/mi
(100 crunches)

Run time: 31:27
Run Distance: 2.22 miles
Ave Pace: 14:11/mi

Run time: 30:19
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 13:48/mi

Run time: 30:54
Run Distance: 2.11 miles
Ave Pace: 14:39/mi
(110 crunches)

Run time: 31:15
Run Distance: 2.20 miles
Ave Pace: 14:13/mi
(110 crunches)

We are definitely getting better (first day back - 15:19/mi). We don't specifically work on speed. It just happens as we get more comfortable jogging. I think my goal of a 12:59min/mile pace (for at least the first 2 miles) by June is very doable without working on speed at all. C and I decided that we are now going to add .1 to our mileage weekly, until we get to 3 miles. This coming week we'll be jogging 2.3 miles so that will put us at 3 the week of May 10th. If it takes us a bit longer, that's fine. My goal is to consistently jog 3 miles straight by June.

Almost no pain at all so far and my knees are doing great. I have been having some tightness/pain on the bottom of my left foot but it started before I started running again so I don't think it's from running. I've been stretching it out by rolling my foot on a tennis ball and it seems to be working. I'm planning to go to a local running store I found soon to check out new shoes (mine are almost a year old now!) and hopefully get some info from them.

Yoga last week was annoying. For some reason I felt weak and I couldn't do a lot of the poses (that I've done many times before) very well. Hopefully it was just a bad yoga day. I've decided not to look for another yoga class right now. I'm trying to find a yoga for weight loss DVD I had but it's lost. If I find it, I plan to add it once a week to what I already do. Anyone have a yoga DVD you love and would recommend?

Instead of going to an extra yoga class per week, I've decided to sign River up for an obedience class. He really needs the attention and mental stimulation. We've done lots of classes before but we haven't done anything now for 6-9 months.

Speaking of River, I just gave him a bath (woo boy he needed one BADLY) and I should really stop blogging now and take him for a walk so he can dry off.

One last thing though - I've gotten a few questions in comments lately and I'm planning to answer them all in one post very soon. If anyone has anything else you'd like to ask me, fire away! Answers to come hopefully later this week.

Questions received so far:
Comment asking to hear more about dog agility. Talk about my dog? Anytime!
Are you familiar with the "Couch to 5K" program? Short answer: yep. Will elaborate.
Have you thought of adopting a baby? I'm positive I'm not the only infertile who has been asked this. I don't take offence but it's complicated. I'll do my best to answer.
It sounds like you are giving up on treatments to get pregnant. Am I missing something? Why? Again, complicated. I will talk about it more in depth though.

Anyone else have any questions? :)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mid-Week Pity Boating

Oh, I am definitely full steam ahead on the Pity Boat today.

Someone made me tear-up on my way up to yoga. My feelings get hurt way too easily.
(I got on the elevator to go three floors up to the class. I take the elevator to the class for many different reasons (read: excuses) - I have bad knees and it's painful to climb stairs, especially in heels; I wait until the very last minute so I'm not gone from my desk too long and if I take the elevator it's usually faster; yoga is about relaxation for me and running up three flights of stairs and immediately trying to relax doesn't work for me. Anyway, there were 2 people already on the elevator and I joined them. One floor up the elevator stops for a delivery guy with a big cart and I get out because I was totally not paying attention. I was confused for a minute at the unfamiliar floor. I started to head back to the elevator only to hear the guy on the elevator make some snide comment about me exercising but being lazy enough to take the elevator up one floor. grrr. Yeah, I know this is stupid but it really hurt my feelings. That guy doesn't know me. I wanted to follow them up to their floor and tell him that I'm not lazy... just stupid with bad knees. heh. Probably a bad idea.)

My yoga instructor opened the class telling us how she got to watch her granddaughter take her first breath (be born) this past weekend.

...I will never get to experience that. With children or grandchildren.

My yoga class ended with everyone talking about what they named their kids and what their kids named their grandchildren.

...I will never get to name a baby.

Pregnancy is all around me lately.

This year I have found out that many coworkers are expecting, including one of the two other people in my office also in my specific dept. She sits down the hall from me and is definitely a belly-rubber. Not that I've seen her rub her belly yet but you know the type. She CANNOT stop talking about her pregnancy. I know all about how she really wanted a boy and that how women in her family don't show until they're at least 6 months and oh so much more. Now I know that she just found out it's a boy (and she hasn't even specifically told me). Another coworker (also an acquaintance outside of work) came into my office last fall and told me he and his new wife were thinking about having a baby and when are R and I going to have kids? Ugh. The dreaded question. I found out about a month ago that they are expecting and that she was about 3 months. Didn't take effin long, huh?

There are a few blogs I keep up with because they were among the very first blogs I read. They are not IF blogs and I recently learned that three of them are pregnant with their second babies. They were just pregnant with their first when I started reading them about 2 years ago. Serves me right for continuing to read I suppose.

I can't do anything online or watch anything on TV without being reminded that parenthood is the norm. It's sickeningly normal! It just happens without a second thought for so many people. Most women my age and older are moms. I can't help but think how it will feel when I'm 50 and still don't have any kids. Hopefully I'll have mourned and accepted it by then.

When I feel like this it overwhelms me that I don't have a final resolution. I feel like I'm mourning my never-to-be children over and over again. Depressed, I say goodbye to motherhood, only to have a little hope sneak back in the next day/week/month, and then I have to say goodbye again. ("pain on pain on play repeating")

I almost wish for something to happen that will force me to mourn once and for all and then move on with my life.

Well, I will get to mourn once and for all. I suspect that will happen when I go through menopause. But that seems like way too long to go on like this.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Running Again! (and New Goals)

I went running last night!

Run time: 30:20
Run Distance: 1.98 miles
Ave Pace: 15:19/mi
(and 100 crunches afterwards)

Ok, so that pace isn’t really “running”. haha

C (my youngest sister) went with me. I told her yesterday during work that I wanted to start up again soon and to my surprise she said she had been thinking the same thing. I wasn’t planning for that night but I decided spur-of-the-moment to jump back in immediately.

We went in my neighborhood loop and the larger loop (adjacent neighborhood). It was chilly! but tolerable. The worst was the wind. Brrrrr It was in the high 30s / low 40s yesterday so it was probably low 30s last night. Much below freezing is just too cold for C and I, which is why we fell off the jogging wagon for the past 3 months. Well, the cold and the snow and ice that we would have to run through. Yuck.

I have stayed slightly active with yoga once a week, a few random jogs and walks, and some other exercise (including Wii Fit in Jan and Feb). I was able to jog the entire 30 mins. I was really surprised – I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I had no pain and felt pretty good for the entire time. Today, I’m pretty tired and my outer thighs and hip areas are sore but nothing concerning.

C had to stop and walk close to 1/3 of the time but she still kept up with me without much issue. She needs new shoes badly – she jogs in my really old sneakers. Hopefully I can convince her to go with me and buy actual running shoes soon.

We are going to try to jog 3x a week from now on.

My new goal is to hit or exceed a pace of 12:59min/mile which will mean I’m jogging approximately 2.25 miles in the 30 mins. I think the fastest C and I have ever gone is ~13:56mins/mile. I also plan to slowly work up to actually being able to jog for 3 miles (in more than 30 mins if needed). So I guess that’s another goal – to jog for 3 miles straight. I’d like to get to one of these two goals, or both, by June.

I’m still going to yoga every Wed and still loving it. An additional goal of mine is to find another class (or a good video) and add on a yoga session per week on a regular basis.

I also have some weight loss goals but I’ll discuss those in another post.

Please don’t snow/rain tomorrow night! I have to go running! :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I've seen this on a lot of blogs lately. I'm jumping on the bandwagon!


What is your salad dressing of choice? Love trying new and interesting flavors but my “go to” is ranch or vinaigrette.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? I don’t really have a favorite. I love to eat at all kinds of different places.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic! Sadly, we don’t have them around here.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Potato chips

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and onions (thinly sliced onions)

How many televisions are in your house? 2 that are set up and we use; 3 or 4 total counting the old ones we no longer use.

What color cell phone do you have? Personal=red; work=grey


Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Two wisdom teeth, cartilage from my knee, and a very large ovarian cyst, oh and hair ;)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? I don’t think so

Have you ever fainted? Not that I can remember but my mom tells a story of me passing out as a baby.


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I think I might, yes. I would want to be able to live my life to the fullest. I’d also want to have time to accept it and would want to be able to help my loved ones plan for that time and after.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I can’t think of anything I’d want to change it to.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 2 but only 1 pair that I wear regularly.

Last person you talked to? R by instant message or if only in-person counts, my supervisor.


Season? Summer

Holiday? Thanksgiving

Day of the week? Friday!

Month? July

Color? Pink or Red

Drink? Water is what I drink most often but my favorite would have to be a nice, thick fruit smoothie.

Alcoholic? I don’t like the taste of alcohol or beer so I rarely drink. If I had to pick then I’d pick a long island iced tea.


Missing someone? Yes – more than just one.

What are you listening to? Traffic and stopping buses outside my office window

What are you watching? Nothing

Worrying about? Nothing at this moment but work and a childless future are constant worries.

What's the last movie you saw? The Day the Earth Stood Still (the newest version)

Do you smile often? yes

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Green

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A pregnancy would be nice. In more likely territory, a necklace or a nice heavy mortar and pestle.

Can you do a chin-up? Um, I doubt it.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? I don’t think I’m a worrier so I would say I’m more likely to get excited than nervous about upcoming things.

Have you been in a car wreck? Yes

Have you caused a car wreck? Yep – and I will never make the same mistake again!

Do you have an accent? I don't think I do. But, I would if I went to another country, wouldn’t I?

Last time you cried? Yesterday

Plans tonight? Working; watching an old episode of Gh.ost Whi.sperer (guilty pleasure); going for a walk or jog with C

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes

Name three things you bought yesterday? I didn’t buy anything yesterday or Monday but this past Sunday I bought two loaves of freshly baked bread, maple cream cookies for R, and dinner out for my mom’s bday.

Have you met someone who changed your life? R (and many others)

For the better or worse? Better

How did you bring in the New Year? At home with R and C

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I think so

What songs do you sing in the shower? Anything that is stuck in my head

Have you held hands with someone today? Nope

Who was the last person you took a picture of? River but if he doesn’t count, then my dad.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? No, I prefer pulp free.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Just a few days ago.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? was still working

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? What I was going to wear. If I plan it out while I’m still laying in bed then I get to lay there a little longer!