Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Bad Flow

This post probably won't flow very well. I don't know why but I have a need to make every post as readable as possible. That's one of my big issues with posting, why I don't post as often as I'd like, and why I have to edit so much after I write something. I'm a weird kind of lazy perfectionist I suppose.

I stayed up way too late last night basically for no reason. I have work I NEED to be doing but I'm just having the hardest time actually doing it. I'm avoiding, and day dreaming, and reading blogs, and doing other, less important work. Ugh. Procrastination is a horrible thing.

I feel like crap today too. And not just because I didn't get my normal amount of sleep. I feel so uncomfortable and stressed and anxious. I need to have all my work done and go for a walk or take a nap or something. I don't even want to eat, which is weird for me. Everything sounds bleh right now. I had a piece of mushroom pizza for lunch - it was ok but I should probably have skipped lunch all together.

Filming for the movie started today and I watched several different scenes being shot - car chase(s) - all from my office window. Of course I forgot my camera but I don't think the pics would have been too interesting anyway. It was fun to watch tons of cars all driving backwards down the road to re-set scenes. There was a lot of gun fire and a couple car spin-outs as well (they drive a water truck through and wet down the necessary parts of the road). Pretty interesting stuff.

I now know that being an extra in a movie would be a really boring, tedious job :) Not to say I wouldn't probably jump at the chance but ugh, I watched these people walk the same stretch of sidewalk over and over with long waits in between each take.

The filming lightened up my day but only added to my procrastination.


Now, if you don't wish to hear intimate details about my period - don't read any further! You have been warned.

*we are now boarding the Infertility Pity Boat - please put on your life vests*

I think, at this point, I have basically given up all hope on this baby-making business. I really do.

I have been thinking about this lately and I really don't ever see myself getting pregnant and I no longer feel like anything I do will make me able to conceive (the old fashion way).

In the last year, since Sept 14th 2008, I've had... 6 periods.


They aren't what I would consider "normal" either. Even though I know everyone is different, I don't think these are even in the normal range. My periods are usually extremely light - think, only ever need barely a pantyliner - and can last anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. Ugh it's so frustrating.

My last one lasted 3 days and was back in July. Right now I'm on CD 62.

How is something not incredibly wrong with me?!

I'm so so so fed up with my body :(

When I was on BC pills I got the heaviest periods ever. I didn't even know they could be so heavy. I cramped like an SOB too. I don't cramp at all normally. I'm obviously far from being a doctor but those facts alone say to me that I don't produce (or can't use) the correct hormones that affect a normal cycle.

Any doctor I've ever been to, even the RE, has told me that I'm too fat and that's why I can't get pregnant. Apart from run of the mill blood tests (which never show a damn thing) no one will bother to look deeper into my issue. It's almost as if I don't matter because I have a crappy BMI.

My only option is to lose weight and dieting affects me mentally. I eat when I'm sad or stressed or bored (or procrastinating other things *grumble*)- not good, I know. This is why I started running. At least it was one of the major reasons. I thought if I could exercise on a regular basis and work on limiting my portions I would at least lose a little.

Well, I've been exercising regularly for 7 weeks now and I've lost NOTHING. Sigh. Just writing about this makes me want to cry.

Ok, I'm done dwelling on this today - back to ignoring it and... procrastinating.


  1. I just wanted to tell you to have faith that eventually the running will help you lose weight. I remember being so frustrated, working so hard and barely losing anything. But at some point, about 3-4 months in, I started to notice a difference. And after that, once I was running a full 5k three times a week, I really started to notice a difference.

    At the very least, you can use the running to reduce your stress, which in turn can help control cortisol levels (which have been shown to impact weight loss). I know you had a good moment recently with running. Just remember how good that felt, and keep yourself headed toward your goal of running 5k. It won't be immediate, but eventually, it will start to make a huge difference. Like I said, it took a long time for me (a long, frustrating time), but eventually, I lost almost 25 lbs while running. Of course, thanks to IVF, I've now gained about 8 of that back, but I feel like once this cycle is over (or *crossed fingers* once the resulting pregnancy is over!), I have the tools in my arsenal to lose whatever weight I gain. And I can thank running for that.

    Okay. Enough cheerleading! Just know that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you can find someone who will treat you as a whole person, and not just a BMI number. I know how much that sucks, and at the very least, I hope running can become your "therapy" like it did for me.

  2. Okay, so...breathe. You're building muscle and eventually that will help lose muscle. Are you eating enough? Because if you're eating too much or too little you'll have problems losing weight. Are you tracking your food? I'm horrible at this but if you do it for a couple of months it gets easier. I stopped when we moved and I gained 40 pounds.
    Also, that's crap. Plenty o'fat lady has gotten pregnant and there are plenty o'skinny ladies who are infertile. I don't know what your BMI is, while your weight might be influencing your hormone production it's probably not the SOLE reason for your issues.
    Keep running, keep trying and keep your chin up! You're doing what you can, give yourself some credit for that. (And find a decent doctor.;))

  3. It will help lose fat not muscle. Doh! Note to self, proofread. (The sad thing is I probably did and I probably read it how I meant it, not how I wrote it.)

  4. The running is really good for you. It will make your body healthier even if you don't lose a lot of weight. I can relate. I excercise daily, am on Metformin for insulin resistance and eat sensibly. In a year, I have lost 10lbs. If I were you, I would try to find a different doctor, one who would listen to my concerns and actually do tests to find out what may be wrong.

    I see you were tested for PCOS. Did they diagnose it definitely? I ask this because my history sounds very like yours (in fact, I'm currently on CD67 myself - we're on a forced TTC break) with odd periods when they happened, being overweight while having difficulty losing it and having a large (2 litres in my case) cyst removed from an ovary. I'm annovulatory when not on meds.

    I hope you find some answers and support soon!


  5. I can't assume you have heard of this site but it is really great...for us plus size people.....FYI
    and I really liked this book. Even if you have other fertility challenges then miscarriage, it is still very awakening to maybe figure out stuff-

  6. Jill - a lot of what you are describing, including the difficulty losing weight sounds like PCOS. I would approach a doctor about being tested for that. I'm sorry the fertility issues are getting you so down.

    And, I was reading your "about me" blurb and I would love to see or hear about your crocheting.

  7. Sounds like you've ran in to some crappy doctors! It's great that you started running and you ARE loosing fat and building muscle, just not loosing weight yet. You will, don't worry.
    I'm the queen of procrastinating and am writing you right now instead of walking my poor doggy.

    Happy ICLW

  8. okay, PCOS is jumping up in down in my brain! i have battled my weight since puberty. PCOS is a metabolic disorder (like you didn't know that.) over the past couple of months i have been taking metformin and thyroid medication, and all that useless exercise is paying off. it took me 16 doctors to finally get one that believed me that i was eating right and exercising and still gaining weight. i am so sorry that you have had to deal with crappy docs, some of them need to just put up signs that say, "i don't like fat people." then at least we would know what we were going into.


  9. I totally agree with you on how much it sucks to do everything possible and not lose. [hugs]

  10. I feel ya on the dieting thing. I've tried diet. I've tried exercise. I've tried them both together and nothing. Pills don't work either. It is so frustrating. I wish there was a magic wand to wave to make all our dreams come true but until then you just have to rely on hope. I know it's not much, but it's all we've got!

  11. I thought I was reading something someone wrote to describe me. I just finished off a 65ish day cycle. Have you ever been tested for PCOS? I am in no way a doc but what you are going through sonds alot like what I am going through. Email me if you have any questions. j*e*n*n*s*e*r*r*a*1*9*8*5 @ yahoo. .... w/o the stars... :P

  12. Yep, I'm there with you on the weight thing. I work out like a beast 5 days a week and how many pounds do I shed each month? Ahhh, roughly one if I'm lucky.
    But I continue to do it because it controls my hormones and I (grudgingly) admit that it makes me feel good physically and emotionally. :)

  13. Sorry Jill. I understand the running and not losing thing, and it totally blows. As far as the baby thing, I'm sick about it as always. You and I both know that your weight is not your biggest issue, and I would punch any doctor that tried to blame all of your fertility issues on that. I agree with the comments that you should try keeping a food journal, then you can see what your input is vs. your output. Keep up the awesome work though, it will help in the longrun.
    Love you lots!

  14. The movie looks pretty funny - I checked out the links. I agree with the others commenters that weight is probably not the issue, and that hopefully you will find a doctor who will support you. Sending hugs.

  15. So sorry you have to deal with dumb @$$ doctors who are too lazy to look past their initial dx and really examine the issues further. Ugh.


  16. LOL @ Jess. "Many 'o fat lady". Ha! I love her.

    I know you said all your bloodwork comes back normal but unless you've done the 2-hour glucose tolerance test you really can't know if you're PCOS or not. Which leads me to my next point. If you're exercising and do have even just the tiniest little insulin issue, Metformin could be a HUGE boone to your weight loss efforts. Seriously.