Monday, September 14, 2009

Feelings, Fruit, and Forgetting

Everyday, when faced with work, I want to throw a tantrum. I want to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming and yelling “I don’t want to do this! Noooooo! I’m not listening to you!! You can’t make me! I’m not going to do it!” Wahhhhhhhh

But I can’t do that. I’m not 3, I’m 33. I have to have a job to pay for my car, and my house, and my pets, and my food, and my clothes. I don’t want to be an adult but I have to be. I have no choice.

But I DO. I do have a choice.

I choose to drive a car, live in my nice house, and buy the things I want to buy, when I want to buy them.

I should just be able to choose to be happy and not stressed, too. Sadly, all too often, my mind does things I don’t want. Sometimes I feel out of control. I can think logically but I FEEL incorrectly. I feel sad or irritated or stressed or anxious when I know I really have no reason to.

--> I love R but I snap at him and act like a bitch.

--> I am sitting at home relaxing while watching TV on a Sunday night but at the same time completely stressed out at the thought of having to go to work the next morning.

--> I am sitting in a theatre watching an entertaining movie, or taking a shower, or eating at a restaurant, and feel like something is WRONG. The whole world is slightly off.

Can you choose to stop feelings like that? I wish I knew how.

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We went apple picking yesterday. It was a beautiful day – crisp air and slightly cloudy, like rain was a few hours away. Apples were 50 cents a lb and I bought somewhere between 6 and 8 lbs of them. Yum.

Of course, as soon as C and I got there, got our bags, started walking toward the trees, I grabbed C’s arm and said, “Crap! I forgot to bring the camera!”

I’m going to make applesauce. Maybe I’ll take pics of that ;)

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There was something else I wanted to write about but I can’t remember now… I have to get some work done *trying to squash brewing tantrum* and then I’m leaving.

Before 6 damnit.

8 comments:

  1. I hate that feeling about work. My previous job felt like that. It was stressful and I hated it. When I took my current job it was for less money but also much less stress. Best decision ever. And nothing is better than homemade applesauce in the fall!

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  2. I had that same feeling about the job I just lost. I am bummed about not having a job but I am happy I am out of that place.

    Picking apples sounds great...apple pie, apple sauce...YUMMY!!!

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  3. Oh yes, Jill - I hear you sister. My friend and I often talk on a Sunday night because of the 'going back to work' blues. I am contracting and even though I am supposed to be only doing 2-3 days a week (generally Tues, Wed, Thurs), the project is going in to critical mass at the moment so **gasp** I have been working on Mondays - this has brought back all of those old feelings of horror and poor old JourneyMan generally gets the worst end of my mood on Monday morning - he so doesn't deserve that.

    Mmmmm, my sister and I adore apple pie, I am drooling as I type......

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  4. When my job was really awful last year (it's improved a little bit since I hired an assistant), I would actually get panic attacks on Sunday night. Tightened chest, trouble breathing, the whole shebang. I'm getting better at disconnecting myself emotionally from my job, but it still has a huge effect on my happiness.
    Hope things improve for you soon!
    Homemade applesauce sounds yummy :)

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  5. Had a couple of hours to blog hop this afternoon...Enjoyed reading yours....Hope you will stop by my Christmas blog...There is a great giveaway drawing on Oct 1...http://grammyababychangeseverything.blogspot.com

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  6. Oh, man. I am the last person to give you a pep talk regarding work. I made the decision that I apparently really didn't like new clothes or nice stuff or ample travel or a new car and instead, quit my job and threw us into a semi-precarious position as far as finances go. Of course, somehow, I've still managed to acquire some nice things. And to still travel a bit. And to get a couple of new articles of clothing. But not as much as I would have liked to at this point in my life. Of course, for me, the job I was in, the career path I was on, were sucking the life out of me. I literally don't recognize that person anymore, that miserable, squashed-flat person.

    If you're still feeling three-dimensional most of the time, my words of comfort for you would be "this, too, shall pass". Things will get better, somehow. But if you're coming home every day feeling like you've been run over by a truck (emotionally), I'd totally recommend finding a way out. Or at least fantasizing about it. Sometimes looking around to see what jobs are out there is a really good way to make you feel much better about your current role.

    Basically, just hang in there. Somehow, some way, this will resolve itself!

    And MMM. Applesauce! I love applesauce.

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  7. I hate that world-is-off feeling and I know it too well. I find it creeps in whenever I am stressed about something I cannot change or if something new is happening. Do you have a friend you gets that feeling you can talk about it with? That really helps me.

    FUN on the apple-picking! It sounds like such a fun, peaceful thing to do. Tell us how the applesauce comes out!

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  8. I found you through Blogger Bingo for a post that starts with the letter E, and it seems almost fitting that this post is about hating work. Sadly, I've been feeling that way myself increasingly over the past couple of years. I'm a middle school teacher. I am PASSIONATE about teaching and I love my career, but I have had a VERY rough group of students over the past two years. I'm doing more babysitting and disciplining and it is very difficult to get any real teaching done. It's been so bad lately that I have been seriously considering a career change, or at least a move within Education but out of the classroom. Hope it gets better for both of us soon!

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