Desperate Hope

In the past 2 years...

• I've started exercising regularly (though with some lapses...)


• I've started eating healthier, smaller portions.


• I've taken metformin/glutmetza for the past 1.5 years and I think it has helped a lot.


• I've taken EPO regularly.


• I've taken other vitamins regularly.


• And, I've lost a good amount of weight.

My cycles slowly seem to be regulating. They are still much longer than average but a far cry from every 2-4 months like they were.

I'm so happy with all these things. I'm proud of myself.

Of course, I'd like to lose more weight. I want to continue to exercise regularly. I want to continue to make smart food choices for my body. But even so, there is a giant, positive difference between the me now and the me from 2 years ago. That's awesome.

BUT...

Does this increase my chance of getting pregnant?

I'm hoping so. Hoping too much, in fact.

I still have yet to ever detect an ovulation, either by temping (which I don't do anymore but am considering doing again) or by OPKs. However, I do track CM changes and have found a pattern of specific changes approximately 12-16 days before AF arrives.

It's been almost 15 years. I've never seen a positive test. Given those facts I'd say my chances are pretty damn slim.

But I'm healthier/weigh less now than I have in about 13 years. I've resisted it but maybe all these years the doctors I've seen were right. I was too fat to get pregnant. This can't be true in general - I've seen pregnant women and mothers much heavier than I have ever been - which is why I get so upset whenever I'm told that. Doctors love to preach weight loss. To an extent, sure, it's healthier to be closer to an average weight, but give me a break. I lost weight because that's what happened when I started exercising and eating better (and taking met), not because I was specifically trying to. I've never counted calories or limited myself to specific types of food.

Anyway, clearly I have some weight-directed thoughts that want to come out but that's not what this post is about really.

These beneficial changes I've made lead me to believing my chances at getting pregnant may have increased a significant amount. I can't help it. I know it's probably not true but I'm in crazy hope mode. I know I'm always setting myself up for big disappointment.

This cycle has been odd, I didn't really track a clear CM change but, if I ovulated, I think it was around 2 weeks ago. With every cycle I'm continually wishing and hoping that this could be the one.

I can forget about it for a little while but my mind keeps going back there. And when I think about it I feel desperate.

Please, please, please...

Just let this be it.