Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Desperate Hope

In the past 2 years...
  • I've started exercising regularly (though with some lapses...)

  • I've started eating healthier, smaller portions.

  • I've taken metformin/glutmetza for the past 1.5 years and I think it has helped a lot.

  • I've taken EPO regularly.

  • I've taken other vitamins regularly.

  • And, I've lost a good amount of weight.
My cycles slowly seem to be regulating. They are still much longer than average but a far cry from every 2-4 months like they were.

I'm so happy with all these things. I'm proud of myself.

Of course, I'd like to lose more weight. I want to continue to exercise regularly. I want to continue to make smart food choices for my body. But even so, there is a giant, positive difference between the me now and the me from 2 years ago. That's awesome.


Does this increase my chance of getting pregnant?

I'm hoping so. Hoping too much, in fact.

I still have yet to ever detect an ovulation, either by temping (which I don't do anymore but am considering doing again) or by OPKs. However, I do track CM changes and have found a pattern of specific changes approximately 12-16 days before AF arrives.

It's been almost 15 years. I've never seen a positive test. Given those facts I'd say my chances are pretty damn slim.

But I'm healthier/weigh less now than I have in about 13 years. I've resisted it but maybe all these years the doctors I've seen were right. I was too fat to get pregnant. This can't be true in general - I've seen pregnant women and mothers much heavier than I have ever been - which is why I get so upset whenever I'm told that. Doctors love to preach weight loss. To an extent, sure, it's healthier to be closer to an average weight, but give me a break. I lost weight because that's what happened when I started exercising and eating better (and taking met), not because I was specifically trying to. I've never counted calories or limited myself to specific types of food.

Anyway, clearly I have some weight-directed thoughts that want to come out but that's not what this post is about really.

These beneficial changes I've made lead me to believing my chances at getting pregnant may have increased a significant amount. I can't help it. I know it's probably not true but I'm in crazy hope mode. I know I'm always setting myself up for big disappointment.

This cycle has been odd, I didn't really track a clear CM change but, if I ovulated, I think it was around 2 weeks ago. With every cycle I'm continually wishing and hoping that this could be the one.

I can forget about it for a little while but my mind keeps going back there. And when I think about it I feel desperate.

Please, please, please...

Just let this be it.


  1. I'm so proud of you for making all those wonderful changes - both to increase your chances at getting pregnant, and for being healthy! Have you been to the docs after getting so healthy? I'm hoping right alongside you - I have everything crossed that perhaps this month is it for you...

  2. Yes please!!

    I think the changes you have made are remarkable and difficult.

    They say small changes in weight can effect your hormones. Who knows how long they take for each individual to balance out or what impact they have on that person's fertility. I will be hoping that the changes you have made are causing a big positive effect on yours.

  3. i'll add alot more "please!!"'s to yours!

    i think you've done some amazing things for your health, & hope it brings you what you've been working towards all these years. hold on to that hope!!!

  4. I'll add even more votes of hope and confidence! You're doing so much to make this work, I pray it works!

  5. Hope is the last thing that leaves us. And it should be. Because stranger things have certainly happened :)

  6. Never give up hope! I think what you've accomplished (the weight loss, the running, the perservernce) is amazing and you have every right to still believe that it will happen for you. You are in my thoughts!

  7. first of all, congrats to you on the weight and on taking better care of yourself in general.
    I think these things alot, why is that woman pregnant is she is heavier than me or older or something. I wish we all had better answers.
    thinking of you...

  8. keeping everything crossed for you my sweet..