Motherhood Dreams

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have children. I've wanted to be a mother.

I "protected" myself from it (because we all know it happens as soon as you have unprotected sex ONCE... right?) until I was married and we felt like we were ready to become parents. I didn't have to wait for that very long. I got married when I was 19 and by the time I was 20 (he was 23), we decided we were ready to start a family.

It never worked. Now I can look back and see that it was a good thing that it didn't work with him but at the time it was heart breaking. I learned that when you are in your early 20s doctors don't take you very seriously when you tell them you can't conceive. "You have plenty of time!" "Don't worry, just relax." "It will happen before you know it." When you are in your early 30s they take you more seriously.

In these past 12.5 years I have never had a positive pregnancy test.

I have been reading blogs of moms who have gone through miscarriages and other horrible things, my heart goes out to them, and I count myself lucky to have never had to experience the loss of a child. At the same time I wonder how I could have gone so long and never gotten pregnant. Something must be very wrong with me.

Now, because of certain happenings in my life, I have not actually been trying for the entirety of the last 12.5 years. I was on birth control pills for 2 of those years, right in the middle, because doctors told me it would help regulate my cycles and because it was most definitely NOT the right time in my life to bring a child into the world.

I was put on clomid in my early 20s with no effect. However, they were not monitoring my ovulation while I was on the drug either. Since reading about other people on clomid, I realize at some point they should probably have been doing that. To my knowledge, I have never even detected an actual ovulation despite many months of temping and taking ovulation tests. I have wasted so much money on tests. Being obsessed with becoming pregnant and having irregular cycles is quite an interesting form of torture.

I had an HSG done this past spring. I still have both tubes (there was some concern that one tube would be deformed or missing due to an issue I had when I was 20), they look normal and have no blockages. Great news? I guess. Unfortunately, the big questions still remain. Why am I broken? What am I doing wrong?

The doctors I have seen do not want to give me clomid again, given my past. My next option is apparently forced ovulation with injectibles. I have some reservations about this and so does my husband. I also can't help but think it would all be for nothing. After so many times wishing and willing that second pink line to show up, I can no longer imagine it finally happening.

Will I ever get to be a mother? I don't like to think about it anymore. At times I give up completely and realize the truth - I will never get pregnant. Then hope creeps back in for a while, month after month goes by and I give up all over again. Often now I find myself thinking that maybe it would be easier if I were able to give up for good. Get a tubal or have my husband get a vasectomy or be told by a dr that XYZ is wrong with me so I will never be able to conceive. I would be horribly sad but maybe going through the sadness all at once and then being able to move on from the certainty would be easier than living in this uncertain child-free limbo.

Family means a lot to me. My dream is to have a family of my own, to stay home and raise my child(ren), take care of my husband, and tend to my home. I'm sure there are many women who would cringe at that statement but it has been my goal my entire life. Oh, how I would have been shocked if someone told my 20 year old self that at 32 I would still be childless. Instead, I have a career in an office, I travel to NYC "on business" (weird), I'm paid well (imo) and I do my job well (when I want to). I'm so lucky to have the job I have... but... I would give it up in a heartbeat for a daughter or son.