Friday, January 23, 2009

My Ex is a Father

Ugh. That's all I have to say.

Well, ok, maybe I have a bit more to say. I've been living apart from my ex since late in 2000. I remained in contact with him for a few years after that. In fact, a week after our divorce was final he called to tell me he was engaged. Great - a big congratulations to you. He told me at that time that they were going to wait a year or two to get married which had something to do with schooling of one or both of them. I don't remember. So anyway, I think my ex is a good guy and I wanted to stay friends with him (if he was ok with that). I called him one day, at the house number that used to be my house number, and his fiance's voice was on the message - I hung up. Some time passed (maybe a couple months?), I got up the courage to call again and the number had been disconnected. I havn't spoken to or heard from him since. Until last week.

Facebook is evil. It's totally my own fault, my own curiousity - I found him, no mistaking the pic, he looks the same as I remember, only older (yeah, I state the obvious) - and in his arms was a boy, no older than two. My heart sank. I felt extremely jealous, sad, happy for him, guilty, regretful, furious, shallow and... SELFISH... all at the same time. It turns out not only was I right, that is his son but he is expecting another baby boy in May. UGH.

Why am I still caught up in the past? I love my husband. I am so happy things worked out in my life that lead me to meet my husband. I definitely don't wish I was still married to my ex. So why the heck can't I let go? I feel like a bad person for being both furious and depressed that he is now a father of two, and I have never had a child.

Some details are missing here. I have only just begun this blog so I have yet to detail my long and twisted road to becoming a parent. I suppose I will eventually.

I want to have a happy weekend so, since I can't figure out how to get over it, I'm going to do my best to ignore this new information for now. Wish me luck.

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