Sunday, May 31, 2009


My ex-husband and his wife just had their second baby. (I wrote more about him here.)

Congratulations to them. We had our differences and plenty of hard times but I always thought he would make an awesome father.

I know I am a bad person for feeling like this but...

I just want to crawl into a hole, cry myself to sleep, and never come out.

Of course, I won't. I'll ignore it and forget it.

At least... I'll try.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


It's been forever. Though I've been thinking constantly about posts I'd like to write and things I'd like to share.

I have my Week 5 running post to write but also an embarrassing and discouraging admission. :/

R and I had vacation for 10 days from work (ending with memorial day) which is why I stopped posting. I actually took a computer break for much of the time and it was great. I spend so much time in front of a computer for work and recreation it was a much needed break.

My first week back at work was crazy catch-up and busy and I've been working for much of the weekend so far.

I do plan on posting again on a regular basis and I've almost caught up on all the blogs I read!

C (my youngest sister) and I are going to make clam chowder for dinner tonight and we need to run out and get some potatoes for it soon. Tomorrow R and I are going to a friend's house to set our christmas tree on fire :)

Will post again soon!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Bathroom Memory

Here is a fond, funny memory from when I was 21 and living in southern California. It was a very simple, insignificant situation but, for whatever reason, I remember it so clearly.


I ran into work, passed my boss and coworker waving a quick "hello", and headed to the back of the store. I was most likely a few minutes late. I'm a late person - it's not something I'm proud of.

I walked through the many isles of videos, opened the "Employees Only" at the back, walked down the dingy, fluorescent lit hallway, grabbed the doorknob and entered the bathroom to my right. I turned the little timer dial, which lit the room and activated the bathroom exhaust simultaneously. Engulfed in the loud drone of the fan, I quickly changed into my work clothes and stuffed my other clothes into my bag.

After checking my hair in the mirror, I gathered my things, turned the doorknob, and nothing happened. The latch did not retract, the door wouldn't open. "What the heck?", I said aloud as I fiddled with the door, trying to figure out what was wrong. I took a step back and surveyed the room, inventorying my options: my bag of clothes, my keys, some paper products, hand soap, and a plunger. Hmmmm....

Not too concerned, I experimented with the door again. Apparently the knob and the latch retracting mechanism were no longer connected. I tried to push the door to one side, far enough to remove the latch from the hole in the frame, but it was too heavy, it wouldn't budge. "Someone is going to have to open the door from the other side", I thought, "But... there is no one around, not even within yelling distance." I started to panic... just a little.

I put my ear to the door and listened. I could only hear the drone of the bathroom fan. I turned the dial to the "off" position and stood there for a moment in silent darkness. I finally gave in to what I had to do, shoved my embarrassment to the back of my mind, and started pounding and yelling through the door.

A few minutes passed while I continued my intermittent noise making.

"Hello? Are you ok?"

I heard a very faint voice speaking from far away after what seemed like ages. "I'm fine but I'm locked in here. Please go get someone to help", I said in my loudest voice. I can only imagine what this person, a customer as it turned out, thought of the situation I must be in.

I relaxed, weirdly excited that help was coming! Some of my embarrassment returned. What a dumb situation...

"Jill?" My coworker, Brandi, walked down the back hallway to the bathroom door. I explained my situation to her as I stood in the still dark bathroom, and we both laughed. She explained that a customer had come to the front saying they heard someone yelling for help through the back door. My boss suspected "womanly issues" and decided he would rather send Brandi to check it out (haha). I heard the knob on my side jiggle as she tried to open the door, and then there was a metallic ~THUD~ from her side.

"The doorknob came off!", Brandi squeaked.

"I think you're going to have to go get Eric", I told her.

"NO! No, you don't understand", she said frantically, "The doorknob... fell off! It's... it's in my hand!!". I tried to contain my amusement at her deep concern. She was only a few years younger than me but this seemed like a huge problem to her. Smiling (honestly, I was growing slightly concerned myself) I said "go get Eric, he'll have to fix it and open the door."

A few minutes later my boss arrived outside my new jail cell. "What the heck is going o.... oh." he said as he looked at the knob-less bathroom door and laughed. "Hi Eric! The door won't open. Can you please get me out of here?" I sat down on the toilet cover and waited. Finally, he figured out how to fix it, the door opened, and I squinted as the light poured in to the dark bathroom.

The rest of the day was filled with giggling at my small adventure and the rest of my employment there was spattered with comments like "Don't get stuck!", "Do you need someone to go with you?" and "I won't be saving you if you break the door again".

Ahh memories :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Week 4.1 - Day 3

Thank you a thousand times over for all the supportive comments!! I <3 you girls! I really can't say thank you enough... thank you thank you THANK YOU! :)

This blog is working better as a motivator for me than I ever hoped.

Day 3 was tonight and it sucked yet again but I do believe it was slightly better than that last few days have been. Took River with me but he was lagging behind about halfway through (which is very abnormal for him) so I figured he'd had enough and I dropped him off at the house, finishing on my own. Luckily R was in the garage when I came up the driveway so I just breathlessly said "take him in, he's done" while pointing at River and then dropped the leash. hehe

I went 7 loops / 2.1 miles. I tried to push myself on the last jog interval and extended the 5 mins to a little over 6 mins.

My shins are tender again now but really not that bad, and my left thigh seems a little better. There are certain stretches where I can feel the thigh pain a little and tonight it didn't feel as bad as it has been. Chicklet, thanks for the advice about the tennis ball therapy - any info you'd like to share I would love to hear (and try out). If you'd rather email over commenting please feel free to email me at a.yar.ia @ gm.ail (w/out the spaces and periods).

I'm really not sure if I'm ready for week 5. I may give the first day a try but i'll have to think about it more.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Week 4.1 - Day 1 & 2

At this point I really don't feel like I'm improving. I think I've hit a plateau and just can't push past it. I'm having a very hard time finding the motivation to actually get out there and go, even though I know when it's over I will be happy I went. Ugh, I'm so lazy.

I was even seeing a little bit of weight loss but that has stopped now as well. I haven't gone back up, so that's good, but I really want to keep losing.

To clarify, I'm not dieting at all. I don't feel that I eat badly - I could definitely use more unprocessed foods, most of all fruits and veggies, in my diet - but food makes me happy and I get very wacked out when I try to deprive myself (that's most likely a problem but one I don't know how to solve). I basically just try to eat healthy and balanced and limit my portions. If I feel like a cookie or a popsicle or some chips, I usually have them. For reference, today so far I've eaten a 4 oz yogurt and one handful of peanut M&Ms :) I usually only drink water so beverages aren't an issue. Thinking about sushi for lunch but not sure yet... I've been craving carbs like a MoFo lately so I'm trying not to indulge myself too much in that dept. I seriously could eat a giant bag of chips right now or a huge bowl of rice. yum.

Anyway, back to the running update.

Day 1 was on 5/7 and day 2 was on 5/10. Day 3 will be tonight. I am repeating week 4 and I'm thinking of repeating week 4 a third time if I continue to feel like this.

I'm so tired and uncomfortable while I'm out there - it's just miserable.

Day 1 I took River with me on the warm up loop but then left him in the rest of the time. I completed the entire thing but really had to push for the 5 min intervals. I went a little more than 6 loops / 1.8 miles because I lengthened the last loop in order to walk longer to "cool down" (but didn't do another full loop). My calves and other leg muscles have really started to burn since starting week 4. I was out of breath before but really didn't feel the burn. I do feel like I'm recovering (catching my breath) faster now.

Day 2 was basically the same but I took River with me the entire time and walked an extra loop at the end. Total was 7 loops / 2.1 miles. Still tired, still uncomfortable, still miserable.

And yet, still happy I completed another day when I finish. I still love stretching at the end and I really feel like I accomplished something. If only I could feel that feeling before I go out to give me some motivation to get out there.

Pain Update:
My left thigh continues to hurt but the pain has not changed or gotten worse. It doesn't hurt when I walk, only when I twist or hold or lift my leg in specific ways. I try not to worry about it. My shins are still tender but only for about a day or so after a run. (I do stretch for a short time before the run and stretch for a long time after the run.) Right now they are hardly sore at all. My knees are fine. I do feel intermittent pains in my knees, feet, ankles, etc during runs but I am guessing that's all normal stuff.

It has been sucking so much lately. I DO plan to continue this. I don't want to give up. But it is getting really tempting to throw in the towel.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Quick Update

On Thurs morning, around 8am, we learned that R's grandmother had died at quarter to 4. He was in the shower and his mom called so I answered his phone. She broke down crying while telling me - it was sad - and then I had to tell R. I wasn't close to her or anything but it's hard to believe she's gone. Really, the same feeling I had when my grandfather died this past November. It's just difficult to think that you'll never see that person again.

I took Thurs and Fri off from work to spend with R and his mom. On Fri we took R's mom out to lunch and to see a movie as a distraction. We saw the new Star Trek movie - it was very good.

The wake and funeral was yesterday (Saturday) morning. It was a sad day.

Usually I would go to my mom's house for Mother's Day but because of the circumstances I stayed here to be with R and his mom again. We cooked out at our house and R's mom came over to eat. We also watched W.all-E - such an adorable movie.

Because of all the goings on I haven't been able to post or read posts in days. I'm so behind! But I will be reading and commenting little by little. I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day (or "OMG you rock day" if you're not a mother YET ;))

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Week 4 - Day 3 and other stuff

I'll definitely be repeating week 4. No doubt about it.

I went out for day 3 on Monday (5/4) and it was difficult. I took River with me. I jogged and walked for all the intervals, doing 6 loops / 1.8 miles all together. I'm able to push myself to keep going without much issue but boy does it SUCK while I'm out there. I felt very uncomfortable. Not pain specifically, just uncomfortable with how my body was behaving. I don't really know how to explain it.

For some reason I've been feeling really blah for a few days now and it's killing my motivation. I don't want to do anything at all. Don't want to go to work, don't want to cook or clean or take care of the animals. Don't want to go to bed. Don't want to wake up in the morning (though this is not new... I'm NOT a morning person). Don't want to shower or get dressed or brush my hair. Don't even want to do anything fun. I feel like I've gained 10 lbs (I haven't) and I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin. If I were 4, I'd throw myself on the ground kicking and screaming until I wore myself out and fell asleep.

No, I don't have PMS. Today is CD 18 - if I were a normal-cycle person, I'd have just ovulated or would be ovulating soon. I probably won't have PMS for at least another month...

I was planning on going running tonight but I just didn't feel like it. I have one "slacker" day per week to indulge myself before I feel too guilty. Tomorrow will be week 4.1 - day 1. I really hope I feel better by tomorrow night so it's not so much of a struggle.

In other news:

R's grandmother is still alive. Her kidneys have failed and her lungs are slowly filling up with fluid. The doctors still say it could be any time. R's mother has been with her almost non-stop at the hospital for over 4 days now. She barely gets any sleep, napping for an hour or two at a time in the waiting room chairs.

R is having a hard time sleeping as well. He's a crappy sleeper to begin with but the added stress of this situation is making it a lot worse. I do feel bad for him; however, I completely don't understand sleep issues. I almost never have trouble sleeping, I fall asleep easily, I can stay asleep through just about anything, and I can sleep for hours upon hours, even in the day time. Because of this I can't understand sleep issues of other people. It seems so simple to me - just lay down, close your eyes, and don't think of anything stressful. Logically I know that it's not that easy. So, I feel like a bad person when others are dealing with sleep issues. I should have more compassion.

Tonight I made chicken noodle casserole from scratch. I have always used condensed soup to make it in the past but I wanted to try without. It came out pretty well. I usually don't do well "winging it" in the kitchen and this was definitely a very vague recipe so I consider it a victory.

On Monday, C (my youngest sister) and I spent all night baking cookies. We baked three batches; one each of chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies w/ dried cherries, and black & whites. They were all delicious. I gave most of them away the next day, along with a bunch of drinks/sodas, to the dept at work that helped me recently with my crazy project as a "thank you". C also took a bunch home with her and I still have 1 black & white, a few oatmeal, and some unbaked chocolate chip cookie dough left over - we made way too much!

I really should go to bed but I don't want to. I could just stay sitting here on the couch, in a dark living room, staring at my laptop screen. R is currently snoring and I don't want to go in because I will wake him up. Maybe I'll wait for him to wake himself up again and then sneak in when he's already mostly awake.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


R's maternal grandmother has been in the hospital since Saturday, May 2nd, and she's not going to make it.

She is 97 years old. She fell and broke her leg (high up near her hip) on Saturday and things just started falling apart from there. It's just crazy to me that the doctors can't do much of anything for her. At this point, there are so many things wrong, all they can do is keep her comfortable and wait for the end.

It's really surreal to know that right now she's alive - as far as I know - but in the next few hours/days she will die. My grandpa died this past November and ever since then I've been contemplating death more than I ever have before in my life. It is a scary, mysterious thing. I don't know quite what to think about it.

This is not a particularly emotional time for me but I feel so badly for R and for R's mother. I wish they didn't have to experience her death. I wish I could make her better so they would be spared the pain and sadness.

But I can't - and now it's only a matter of time before the inevitable happens.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Week 3.1 - Day 2 & 3; Week 4 - Day 1 & 2

I'm sad I didn't have time until now to post a running update. The details from each run have a tendancy to blur together.

Week 3.1 - Day 2 & 3

These were on 4/25 and 4/27. Both days were really hot and both nights were much warmer than I had been used to - day 2 hotter than day 3. They were the first days that I had jogged when it wasn't fairly chilly out (I only go out at night). Day 3 was tough and I was sweating. I don't usually sweat a lot - just how I am - and since I have been jogging in cold temps, I didn't sweat much at all. Day 3 was SWEATY! :) I didn't mind, it was just a lot different than I had been used to so far.

I took River with me on the warm up walk on day 2 but left him home for the rest since he was still sick. I took him with me on day 3. Sometimes I think he is completely bored and unhappy on our runs. I wish I could ask him whether he'd prefer to come with or stay home. He is getting better and better at staying right with me (he knew how to "heel" before I started running but it's different to behave on a leash, going varying speeds, in traffic, etc.) but still is jumpy when he hears weird noises. One day I know he's going to bolt at an unexpected sound, trip me, and cause me to fall on my face. Not looking forward to that...

Both days I worked on going a bit longer distance than I did the day before. I wasn't really struggling to hit the 3 min jog mark so I figured I'd work in a little more speed. I ended the last 3 min walk right at my driveway on day 2 and passed my driveway completely on day 3. I went 6 loops / 1.8 miles on both days. On day 3 I was doubting my ability to jog for the 5 min interval for the next week, so I decided to push on that last 3 min jog to see how long I could go - I got to a little over 4 mins with some struggle. That gave me hope that I'd be able to go on to week 4.

Week 4 - Day 1 & 2

Holy crap I can jog for 5 mins straight!! :) Seriously, it still seems silly to say stuff like that but it's so far from what I was doing 7 weeks ago, that it's hard to believe.

Week 4 is:
Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes); Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds); Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes); Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes); Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes); Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds); Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

I took River on day 1 and really tried to pace myself. It went really well and I never thought about giving up. The beginning is definitely tough but by the end I get more energy back and really start to enjoy it. Well, I should clarify, it still sucks the entire time, I'd rather be eating a yummy dinner in front of the TV, but I don't feel like I'm going to die by the end. And, if I don't feel like I'm going to keel over, then I'm happy to be out there and proud of myself (which, for me, equals enjoyment).

On day 2, C came with me and I left River in the house. C hasn't been with me since the week 2 instruction so she did not complete all the jogging intervals. This is not a stab at her or anything - she did great for not having gone out for a couple weeks. It did make me feel good though that all my running has actually been doing something for me. She got a cramp in her side - I don't want her to get hurt because of me - so I told her she should just walk. I jog slow enough that she can keep up if she walks fast (hah I'm so slow...). I haven't ever gotten side cramps, not sure what causes those or if you can just push through them.

Week 4 starts to increase the total time out walking/running. I get well into the 6th loop at the end of the second 5 min interval with this new week. Both weeks were 7 loops total / 2.1 miles. Still having to push myself to actually get out there but am still so happy I went, every time.

A few more updates
I got so tired of my one pair of sweat pants falling down during my runs that I went out and bought some new exercise clothes. I found 2 pairs of pants, one grey and one black, and a pair of capri type pants that are black with a pink racing stripe down the leg. Yay for "petite" length pants that I don't have to roll up! (I'm about 5'4" and have a hard time finding the correct length pants). I also found a hooded, zip-up sweat shirt that I can wear if it's raining or too cold for just a t-shirt. I wore my new clothes for the first time on week 4 - day 2 (the grey pants) and they are so much better than what I was wearing before!

My legs have been hurting a little more lately. Not my knee - which I'm still so grateful for - but my shins and most notibly my left thigh. My shins aren't too bad, mostly just tender to the touch, getting better the more time passes from my last run. I figure the shin thing is just normal muscle pain. My thigh however has hurt for at least a week now and does not seem to be getting better. It's not normal muscle pain as I know it - it's deep in there, under the muscle(s) that I can manipulate if I were to rub my thigh. It's not tender to the touch but instead makes me wince if I move my leg in a certain way. Walking in high heels (today) makes it hurt as well. I'm just going to keep running through it but I wanted to note it here in case it gets worse.

Someone has mentioned (without prompting) that I look like I'm losing weight. I hope I do but really I haven't lost much. I think I feel like I have but I can't tell if it's all in my head or not. My clothes aren't any looser or anything.

So far, so good though! Tonight will be week 4 - day 3. :)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Project Complete - Happy Weekend!

I'm so glad it's the weekend! The annoying fact that I need to go down to the basement and do some painting is almost completely negated by the fact that it's Saturday! yay :)

I've been wanting to post but for most of the week I didn't have the chance. I have lots of running updates to post - I'm still going with it and am on week 4. But, more details on that in other posts.

My crazy project at work finished yesterday finally and it was all on time. I can't believe it. The department I was working with did a great job and pushed to get it all done. I'm going to make cookies tomorrow and buy a bunch of drinks to bring in on Monday for them to thank them. I'm honestly astounded that it got done by the due date.

On Wednesday I had my review with my old supervisor and my new one. I got a promotion to the "senior" level of my position. I'm happy - I basically do the senior work already. Now I'll have the title to go with it. Unfortunately this promotion doesn't come with a raise. The company I work for (a larger one that probably anyone who lives in the US would recognize the name of) has put a hold on raises until further notice. No one at all is getting them this year probably. Hopefully I'll get a raise to go with my title change either later this year or at this time next year. I'm not worried about it but more money is always a good thing ;)

That's all for now. I should really get painting. Running progress updates will be next!