Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mid-Week Pity Boating

Oh, I am definitely full steam ahead on the Pity Boat today.

Someone made me tear-up on my way up to yoga. My feelings get hurt way too easily.
(I got on the elevator to go three floors up to the class. I take the elevator to the class for many different reasons (read: excuses) - I have bad knees and it's painful to climb stairs, especially in heels; I wait until the very last minute so I'm not gone from my desk too long and if I take the elevator it's usually faster; yoga is about relaxation for me and running up three flights of stairs and immediately trying to relax doesn't work for me. Anyway, there were 2 people already on the elevator and I joined them. One floor up the elevator stops for a delivery guy with a big cart and I get out because I was totally not paying attention. I was confused for a minute at the unfamiliar floor. I started to head back to the elevator only to hear the guy on the elevator make some snide comment about me exercising but being lazy enough to take the elevator up one floor. grrr. Yeah, I know this is stupid but it really hurt my feelings. That guy doesn't know me. I wanted to follow them up to their floor and tell him that I'm not lazy... just stupid with bad knees. heh. Probably a bad idea.)

My yoga instructor opened the class telling us how she got to watch her granddaughter take her first breath (be born) this past weekend.

...I will never get to experience that. With children or grandchildren.

My yoga class ended with everyone talking about what they named their kids and what their kids named their grandchildren.

...I will never get to name a baby.

Pregnancy is all around me lately.

This year I have found out that many coworkers are expecting, including one of the two other people in my office also in my specific dept. She sits down the hall from me and is definitely a belly-rubber. Not that I've seen her rub her belly yet but you know the type. She CANNOT stop talking about her pregnancy. I know all about how she really wanted a boy and that how women in her family don't show until they're at least 6 months and oh so much more. Now I know that she just found out it's a boy (and she hasn't even specifically told me). Another coworker (also an acquaintance outside of work) came into my office last fall and told me he and his new wife were thinking about having a baby and when are R and I going to have kids? Ugh. The dreaded question. I found out about a month ago that they are expecting and that she was about 3 months. Didn't take effin long, huh?

There are a few blogs I keep up with because they were among the very first blogs I read. They are not IF blogs and I recently learned that three of them are pregnant with their second babies. They were just pregnant with their first when I started reading them about 2 years ago. Serves me right for continuing to read I suppose.

I can't do anything online or watch anything on TV without being reminded that parenthood is the norm. It's sickeningly normal! It just happens without a second thought for so many people. Most women my age and older are moms. I can't help but think how it will feel when I'm 50 and still don't have any kids. Hopefully I'll have mourned and accepted it by then.

When I feel like this it overwhelms me that I don't have a final resolution. I feel like I'm mourning my never-to-be children over and over again. Depressed, I say goodbye to motherhood, only to have a little hope sneak back in the next day/week/month, and then I have to say goodbye again. ("pain on pain on play repeating")

I almost wish for something to happen that will force me to mourn once and for all and then move on with my life.

Well, I will get to mourn once and for all. I suspect that will happen when I go through menopause. But that seems like way too long to go on like this.


  1. Oh, Jill. I am just so very, very sorry. You don't deserve to deal with this, and I'm just so sorry. This isn't fair to you, and it's not right. Infertility is cruel, indiscriminate, and (worst of all) unrelenting. I'm sending you hugs and love.

  2. I hate feeling like that. I want so much to be happy for women when they tell me they are pregnant but it is SO hard. I hate that jealous, bitter feeling but it is so hard to not feel that way. Hugs!

  3. I would have made a comment about that guys fat judgmental mouth. Seriously.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I wish I could give you a big hug and take a make you crack up while doing downward dog. ; )

  4. Constantly being inundated with pregnancy everywhere we turn is so tough! Infertility isn't fair, and it's such a sucky reality to have be hit over the head with repeatedly every month.
    I've stopped reading so many of my favorite non-IF blogs for just what you mentioned - too many pregnancies. It's just too hard to be hit with online as well as IRL all the time.
    Keep your chin up...I know it's not easy :(.

  5. First of all Miss Jill, please remember that you are fabulous and are doing great things to improve your health. You should be proud of that. I am proud of you. Keep it up.

    Second, I have just one word to describe stupid elevator guy: Superdickassfaceloserfucktard

    Last, from what I am reading it sounds like you are giving up on treatments to get pregnant. Am I missing something? Why?

  6. Hmm, I wonder how often this bloke has gone out running? I wonder how you didn't give him a good slapping.

    I am terribly sorry that you are feeling low, IF sucks balls so much of the time, honestly. Keep your chin up, sweets and be proud of all of the things that you have done, you are amazing!

  7. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel so low, sending you hugs from here and hoping you'll find new reasons to laugh and enjoy life. Much love, Fran

  8. I'm so sorry :(((

    Without any intention to hurt you, I just wanted to ask something as I haven't been reading your blog long enough to know about this: Have you thought of adopting a baby? I know it's not exactly the same as having a baby, but still...

  9. You bring up a good point, Jill. Childfree after IF is such a slow process, rather than an event. I think maybe the latter would be, in some ways, easier to move through than just an open-ended path.

    That must have really hurt to hear that elevator guy say that. I'm sorry. Hugs.

  10. Oh Jill, I am so sorry you are having to endure all of this. And you're right about IF, until menopause it doesn't feel like it has some definite end where you can begin to grieve and move past it. It just sucks. (And that moron in the elevator -- forget him. He is an idiot.)


  11. I am sorry that you are feeling like this, and it's just the worst when everybody around you is preggo.

    Also, I can 100% relate to those feelings from the insensitive comment in the elevator. For some reason these same types of comments have come up for me in the gym in particular. In fact, one incident happened last week:

    -I am putting on my sweatshirt and coat after a fab hot yoga class, in front of a mirror with a ledge that has two hair dryers on it
    -girl number one comes up on my right and asks, with a hint of accusation: "Is that your towel there?" (on the dryer)
    -Me: "No"
    -Her: "No?"
    -Me: "No."
    She reluctantly moves the towel and picks up the dryer. One second later, girl number two comes up on my left. "Are you using that dryer?" (This was code for: "I need the dryer. Get your towel away and move.") My towel was indeed on the left dryer. But I was just putting on my coat. If she had waited a nanosecond I would have had my coat on and been in a better position to talk and in fact, been on my merry way.
    "Sure" I say and move away with my towel as soon as my coat is on. Girl number two started to chat with girl number one, seems they are acquaintances.
    I analyzed this all the way home. I was in the line of fire for about 30 seconds while putting on my sweatshirt and coat - so blocking the apparently coveted dryers for a maximum total of 30 seconds - and in that time span was shot down twice. I know I'm oversensitive, but what about this has such an effect on me? I am guessing that elevator comment had the same effect on you, where it's just hard to shake off. Those comments are such downers - a bit of kindness goes such a long way. I try to wait when someone is doing something, like putting on boots, so as not to make them feel rushed. The world would be such a better place with a bit more compassion.

  12. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I definitely have good days and bad days. I started going to acupuncture which has definitely helped balance my mood.

    I was thinking today, when I'm in the midst of something- standing in front of a class teaching, participating in an conversation in a meeting, even playing Bejeweled Blitz on FB- it doesn't hit me as heavy. But all of those millions of in between times... it's like something is pressing on my chest. :(

    The pregnancy announcements get me too. I really used to be able to be happy for people, and I'm not sure I can honestly say that anymore. An old friend just announced her pregnancy with her fourth baby. I know she experienced a miscarriage a year or so ago... but somehow, I'm still having a hard time rejoicing for her.

    A bunch of bloggers who I started reading when I first started blogging, many who had recently started their blogs, just gave birth. There must be five or six of them in the last two months.

    I knew this was going to be hard, but this is harder than I ever imagined. And it's lasting longer than I ever thought it would....

  13. Oh jill, that guy was a complete, insensitive ahole for real, forget about him, not worth a thought jerk! I know it seems like pregnancies are all around us all the time and it just hurts so bad. Thinking of you and sending you mad hugs frm cairo girl. xoxoxoxoxo

  14. While I'm in a better place now, I so totally get where you're coming from. I remember being surrounded by pregnancy, and feeling swallowed up by it cuz everyone had it but me. I remember hating that I had no resolution, but I was too afraid to make a final decision so maybe something could just happen to resolve it. That place of limbo was awful. It so sucks that you're stuck there.

  15. I wish infertility could be done away with because it is truly a horrible thing. I think you're a wonderful, strong person to be able to go through it and still be supportive of people who turn up pregnant. You deserve only good things, and I hope you get them.

  16. Thanks so much for the comment on my blog! I haven't read all your entries, but I read your history - we have something else in common - an "oops" marriage. I like that, although I've always called it a starter marriage... I hope you're doing better this week! Look forward to hearing about different things you're doing - I saw in your summary about dog agility? Would LOVE to hear about that!

  17. How did you not kick that guy's ass??? I would have lost my shit on him.

    And yeah. I'd like to say that pregnancy cures infertility, but it doesn't. I still hate other pregnant women. I still get angry at how easily it all happens for some people. I still feel like a freak of nature, and I still love to watch people's faces contort as I let their stupid comments fall dead in the air-- "Oh, do twins run in your family?" "Nope." (silence, the uncomfortable kind)

    For me, though, the absolute worst is reading blogs by other people who suspect that they *might* be infertile, or have maybe even had an early diagnosis, who nonetheless get pregnant without treatment. And weirdly, when I started reading IF blogs, those were the ones I gravitated toward, the miracles, the "accidental" pregnancies in those who were identified as infertile. It's like I hoped that I might be one of them. But as it became clear that I would never be one of them, I became more and more jaded, and at this point, with the exception of a few women with whom I have an established friendship with aside from our fertility quest, I cannot read these blogs anymore. It's not fair.

    Anyhow... hoping you pass through this pain as easily as you can. I know that it sucks and it's not easy, but it does eventually get at least a little better.

  18. I have enjoyed your post because I feel like I am a passenger on your 'pity boat'. Know that you are not alone...I have been TTC for almost 2 years now with the hope of sustaining a healthy pregnancy, but have had the misfortune of enduring 3 miscarriages. Recently had IUI done, but am feeling pessimistic and can't see a glimmer of hope in the distance...People keep telling me to believe, but it's so difficult...wish you all the best.

  19. Oh Jill! Forget about the Elevator guy... I bet he got winded just walking down the hall to the elevator and made that stupid wise crack to make his lame ass feel better.

    Sorry your having such a hard time. Don't give up hope. I know it hurts like hell, but the suprise of actually making it is amazing. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it to. Your doing good things to improve your life and your health, and sometimes thats all it takes. HUG! feel better soon

  20. "I almost wish for something to happen that will force me to mourn once and for all and then move on with my life."

    I wish it worked that way. But it doesn't. I'm still struggling to move on with my life - and I'm just not sure how. Even with an event that is final and decisive and real, there are little glimmers of hope that pop through and make you think, "maybe, just maybe..."

    But yes, I am SO feeling this post today. And so ready to go punch that elevator dude in his chins for you.

    It feels like pregnancy is all around me, too. Like, its as natural as the sunshine. And seeing the sun today is just seriously pissing me off.

    Just a note to say I am commiserating with you, and trying to get back on the running routine again myself. Hang in there.

  21. Ughh, yes, infertility is unrelenting. When people asked, "Do you have children?" I just wanted to shrivel up. I had to learn to say simply say no and leave it at that. If they inquired as to why, I'd just say I'd tried everything and I can't. I have to say that when I got around to telling people I was adopting, they seemed more relieved than I did. Like I was fixed or something. Even when I wasn't sure it would work out, I realized that life was going to go on with or without me having kids and I had to learn how to value my life as it was. Don't give up on yourself, be kind to yourself even when others are just cruel. Hold your head high.

  22. LOL you're a better person than I, I would have said something back to the delivery guy! I hate when people ASSUM things and in the process really know sweet fa.

    And arrrrrrgh @ situations where you think you're safe from the pregnancy, labour, children talk but in reality nope, they lull you into a false sense of security and then bam! When you're least expecting it it gets brought up. I such instances like your yoga class it should be pointed out that talk about babies and pregnancy is not a comfortable topic for everyone.

    Big hugs, I know exactly what you're feeling.


  23. Hey Jill its the first day of March ICLW, happy first day. I hope you are well, been thinking of you! xoxox

  24. People just don't know how to speak, or mind their tongues most times! I have children--one bio, one adopted--but I still ache. It's natural.
    I cry too..over babies, and pregnancies, over people being mean.

    I think you're doing much better than you even know! HUGS!

    ICLW #29

  25. I work in a bookstore, and there was a long stretch of time that I hated going to the ladies room while at work... to get there you had to go through the pregnancy/parenting section of the store and the sight of all those books and the pregnant bellies browsing was just too much for me. IF sucks... no two ways about it.

    Hang in there!

  26. I'm so sorry you have to go throught this.

  27. My heart aches for you. E and I have chosen for the time being to stop our attempts.

    IF sucks!

    Finally, be kind to yourself.

    Liddy from
    No. 144: the unfair struggle (male-factor, speedskating, life)

  28. Ah yes, the pity boat. I have sat in it many a time. It is so hard to be surrounded by pregnancy - and it seems that so many of us are. And even worse than that, to have to live with the creeping in thoughts - "I will never have a child" - that for me at least suck the wind out of me whenever I think them. I am trying trying trying to learn to talk back to them. To silence them. I don't know how I will have a child or when but I WILL eventually succeed. Maybe with my own gametes, maybe with donor gametes, maybe with adoption. I don't know. And the getting there is torture.

    Hang in there. Try to be gentle with yourself.



  29. Blech. Yep, IF truly sucks. And, you're right, sometimes if I just knew what was going to happen in the end I think I'd be OK. One way or another, I'd like to know if I should keep hoping.


  30. I'm so sorry. I too am often devastated by seemingly offhand comments. The world is a minefield for us infertiles, and the fertile majority has no idea how hurtful their assumptions can be.