I'm in a bad place right now.
Everything is a mess... but it's all in my mind. I know in reality everything is fine but I feel like I'm slowly drowning.
There is so much I want to write about but the writing never happens. I only think about it. There is so much I want to do but I never do it. I only think about it.
I am so unhappy at my job right now that I want to scream. And I do sometimes even though it doesn't make me feel better.
I feel like I'm stressed all the time.
I'm waiting for a therapist to call me back. Hopefully today. I haven't seen one for more than 10 years (not counting my brief experience with marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage). Maybe it will help.
I feel like I need to schedule my life down to the minute and be forced to stick to the schedule at gunpoint. But there is no one around with a gun and I never actually write up a schedule.
Night is the worst. I'm dead tired (so tired most of the time) but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll fall asleep and it'll all happen again the next day. So I stay up late and miss out on time with R and make myself even more tired.
R is trying his best to help me. I feel so sorry for him - I know I'm making things tough and stressing him out. He thinks I'm dealing with anxiety. I really have no idea.
If I ignore everything I'm ok, even happy. I can watch TV or a movie with R or my sister or go out to eat or read blogs and I feel fine. But as soon as I try to deal with real life - mostly working but other normal life things as well - I fall apart.
I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.