Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Messed Up

I'm in a bad place right now.

Everything is a mess... but it's all in my mind. I know in reality everything is fine but I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

There is so much I want to write about but the writing never happens. I only think about it. There is so much I want to do but I never do it. I only think about it.

I am so unhappy at my job right now that I want to scream. And I do sometimes even though it doesn't make me feel better.

I feel like I'm stressed all the time.

I'm waiting for a therapist to call me back. Hopefully today. I haven't seen one for more than 10 years (not counting my brief experience with marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage). Maybe it will help.

I feel like I need to schedule my life down to the minute and be forced to stick to the schedule at gunpoint. But there is no one around with a gun and I never actually write up a schedule.

Night is the worst. I'm dead tired (so tired most of the time) but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll fall asleep and it'll all happen again the next day. So I stay up late and miss out on time with R and make myself even more tired.

R is trying his best to help me. I feel so sorry for him - I know I'm making things tough and stressing him out. He thinks I'm dealing with anxiety. I really have no idea.

If I ignore everything I'm ok, even happy. I can watch TV or a movie with R or my sister or go out to eat or read blogs and I feel fine. But as soon as I try to deal with real life - mostly working but other normal life things as well - I fall apart.

I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.


  1. I am not in good position to give you advice at the moment but I certainly understand how you are feeling as I feel very much the same way.
    Sending you hugs.

  2. Seems to be going around lately. I can only offer you an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and open arms to give you a hug !

  3. Oh, Jill, I am so sorry. I know how much a counselor helped me last summer, and it sounds like you're in a place where you're truly ready for one (which is, in my opinion, the only way it works). I hope you hear back from one soon, but please let me know if you want to talk!

  4. Dammit. I am so sorry you are in that space right now. I get it. I so get it.

    I hope the therapist calls back soon. In the meantime, does a nice walk help? Dare I suggest a run? :-)

  5. I get it too. It's a combination of many things - one thing that helps is getting a good night's sleep so that you feel less tired. I *know* this is easier said than done. I can't bring myself to go to bed on time, there's always something that leads me to go to bed late. But try to get into bed really early, read a few pages of a good book, and see what happens. This won't solve everything, but life seems darker when we're exhausted, doesn't it?

    Also - and this won't solve things either but it could make things less heavy - consider a mini-vacation to a nice spa, even one massage if you can spare the cash, which can work wonders. Something to take you out of the funk, out of the routine.

    Sending hugs.

  6. Oh I do feel for you. Counselling could be really helpful. Maybe try what I do when I feel a list of everything that is upsetting you...everything from the BIG things to the tiny (you started it in your post). Write down how you feel about each thing and really get it all out. Swear a lot (helps me anyway!).

    Once you can't think of anything else then go back to the top of your list and answer each point. Some things you can not change. Some things you can. Take action where you can.

    I find it really helps because, whilst there are some things we just have to accept, taking action on others can make you feel more in control of your life.

    Hope this helps but feel free to ignore it if it doesn't. xxx

  7. I know how you feel about not wanting to go to sleep because you'll just have to get up the next day and start everything all over again. Anytime I'm under stress I either want to sleep forever or never sleep.
    Sorry you're feeling so down and so stressed out right now. Doing little things to take care of yourself or make yourself feel better might help. I like all the standard ones - baths with a good book, listening to my meditation cd's, putting on a favorite old movie or tv show and just spending time with my hubby.
    Claire's idea was good - making lists and writing it all out might make whatever it is that's bothering you less scary!

  8. Sending you some love - I'm thinking about you!

  9. Aww, so sorry that you're feeling this way right now. I too totally get it. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for a person to really realize they need to do something. I know that's been my experience. I've been going to counselling and it has helped immensely. Just having someone who is a third party, who is non-judgemental seems to really help. Sending you big hugs. I know how tough it is.

  10. You started this blog like I started an email last week.
    I find myself doing the same thing, staying up late in order to GET SOME TIME TO MYSELF. Not because I don't want time with family, but because it seems like it's all I do. I feel guilty for not being attentive enough, active enough...enough.
    I wish we were closer and we could drive and sing Fiona Apple.
    Love you Girlie.

  11. Sending you love and hugs. I hope you managed to get in to see your therapist. I know when I'm feeling like this I feel so scattered. It feels like there are far too many balls up in the air and it takes all my strength just to keep them moving. I hope that if you can sit down with your therapist you can try to sort things out into some kind of manageable order so that you don't feel so chaotic. I try to write myself lists of what I want to do and once its there in black and white it rarely looks as scary as it does in my head. Then leave the list for a day or so and go back to it and you might find that its even less scary with time. I hope the therapy helps so that you can have a good nights sleep and not be fearful of what lies ahead the next day. xxx

  12. It sounds like you're in the middle of struggling with depression. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there and it's awful. I hope that you are able to see a therapist soon. I hope and pray that you feel better soon. A great big HUGS to you!

  13. *hugs* I am so sorry your feeling so down lately. Is there someone you can talk too?