My first therapy (counseling? not really sure what to call it) appt yesterday went ok. As soon as I went in and she started talking I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. weird. I managed to eek out a little "i'm really nervous" and then composed myself.
We talked about my general reason for being there and I only cried when I told her I'm infertile. A held-in cry that I couldn't talk through. But I managed to compose myself quickly again and go on.
She already mentioned medication and I'm not sure how I feel about that. That's actually the reason I mentioned the infertility, since anything I take would obviously need to be pregnancy-friendly. However slim that chance is, there's still a chance, and I would feel horrible if I thought I screwed things up. But, medication in general is not something I'm really on board with right now. I told her I'd like to stick with just counseling for a while and maybe I'd be willing to consider it later if no progress was being made.
She told me she thinks I'm dealing with depression. I feel the same about this statement as I do about my PCOS dx. There are tons of symptoms of both, I have some and I don't have others, and it's just such a subjective thing. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows.
I'm hoping that continuing to talk to her will allow me to deal with the moods that I'm not able to control right now. If I feel like crap, am frustrated and/or stressed, or feel like everything is bad/wrong, I just can't get over it. Only time helps. I want to be able to just turn it off when I feel like that.
My next appt is Wed the 4th and I do plan on continuing.
I'm kind of hesitant to go back. Maybe I shouldn't be going at all. I feel like I'm being selfish by talking to someone about myself. I feel like it's unreasonable to expect someone else to help me with this. We're talking about my feelings here, not a broken bone. I should be able to just pull it all together and cut this shit out. I'm embarrassed by things I told her and by things I will probably be telling her. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of her. I'm embarrassed to have even gone at all*.
I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's definitely a negative feeling and it isn't resulting from liking or disliking the therapist.
I don't normally talk to people about my problems/feelings. I have no close friends I talk to on a regular basis about things that are happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I complain and vent and cry and complain (what? I already said that?) to R ALL THE TIME. Probably way too much. But he is it. He's the only one. I sometimes tell my sister (C) things that annoy me and vent about work but it's all superficial stuff. She knows about my infertility but only because she knows I really want to get pregnant but can't. I don't go into details. I can't remember a time when I ever cried in front of her. She's 9 years younger than me - I don't want her to worry and I don't want to force her to hear things she doesn't want to hear.
My other family members know almost nothing of the emotional side of my life. I only talk about the very basic stuff (I moved, I bought a new car, have a new job, got a promotion, etc). This includes both my mom and dad. I keep almost everything from everyone except R... and this blog I guess. I wonder if my mom and dad would both be shocked to read this blog, and not because I have ever said anything bad about them.
Keeping everything from everyone is pretty lonely sometimes. I don't really do it on purpose but I guess now I know why I do it. Because sharing feels wrong and bad. I thought it would be nice for me to be able to talk to the therapist but it's not so far.
*Please know that I do not judge others for going to counseling. I don't think it's stupid or that the people who go are somehow wrong to go. The negativeness relates to me and dealing with my own feelings.