Thursday, July 29, 2010

Odd Feelings

My first therapy (counseling? not really sure what to call it) appt yesterday went ok. As soon as I went in and she started talking I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. weird. I managed to eek out a little "i'm really nervous" and then composed myself.

We talked about my general reason for being there and I only cried when I told her I'm infertile. A held-in cry that I couldn't talk through. But I managed to compose myself quickly again and go on.

She already mentioned medication and I'm not sure how I feel about that. That's actually the reason I mentioned the infertility, since anything I take would obviously need to be pregnancy-friendly. However slim that chance is, there's still a chance, and I would feel horrible if I thought I screwed things up. But, medication in general is not something I'm really on board with right now. I told her I'd like to stick with just counseling for a while and maybe I'd be willing to consider it later if no progress was being made.

She told me she thinks I'm dealing with depression. I feel the same about this statement as I do about my PCOS dx. There are tons of symptoms of both, I have some and I don't have others, and it's just such a subjective thing. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I'm hoping that continuing to talk to her will allow me to deal with the moods that I'm not able to control right now. If I feel like crap, am frustrated and/or stressed, or feel like everything is bad/wrong, I just can't get over it. Only time helps. I want to be able to just turn it off when I feel like that.

My next appt is Wed the 4th and I do plan on continuing.


I'm kind of hesitant to go back. Maybe I shouldn't be going at all. I feel like I'm being selfish by talking to someone about myself. I feel like it's unreasonable to expect someone else to help me with this. We're talking about my feelings here, not a broken bone. I should be able to just pull it all together and cut this shit out. I'm embarrassed by things I told her and by things I will probably be telling her. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of her. I'm embarrassed to have even gone at all*.

I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's definitely a negative feeling and it isn't resulting from liking or disliking the therapist.

I don't normally talk to people about my problems/feelings. I have no close friends I talk to on a regular basis about things that are happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I complain and vent and cry and complain (what? I already said that?) to R ALL THE TIME. Probably way too much. But he is it. He's the only one. I sometimes tell my sister (C) things that annoy me and vent about work but it's all superficial stuff. She knows about my infertility but only because she knows I really want to get pregnant but can't. I don't go into details. I can't remember a time when I ever cried in front of her. She's 9 years younger than me - I don't want her to worry and I don't want to force her to hear things she doesn't want to hear.

My other family members know almost nothing of the emotional side of my life. I only talk about the very basic stuff (I moved, I bought a new car, have a new job, got a promotion, etc). This includes both my mom and dad. I keep almost everything from everyone except R... and this blog I guess. I wonder if my mom and dad would both be shocked to read this blog, and not because I have ever said anything bad about them.

Keeping everything from everyone is pretty lonely sometimes. I don't really do it on purpose but I guess now I know why I do it. Because sharing feels wrong and bad. I thought it would be nice for me to be able to talk to the therapist but it's not so far.

*Please know that I do not judge others for going to counseling. I don't think it's stupid or that the people who go are somehow wrong to go. The negativeness relates to me and dealing with my own feelings.


  1. I swear we are living parallel lives!

    There are more people than ever going to counsler/therapist they just don't talk about it. I found talking to someone other than my hubby helped me ALOT! Don't be embarrassed at all, cry if you need to, you have pent up feelings that need to come out.


  2. It sounds very healthy to me. Even the part of you that feels guilty for talking about your feelings with someone.

    I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to look your feeling in the eye and confront them. And personally I think counseling can work miracles :)

    Big hugs to you for being brave!

  3. I think a lot of people hold things in, and don't know how to let it out to people like therapists. Please know that these feelings are normal. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think that this world would be a much better place if we all went to therapy to talk about our feelings.

    I'm so proud of you for going to a therapist and talking about yourself. It shows that you are a strong person who is taking control! Sending a big hug to you!!!

  4. Yes, going to a therapist show just how much courage you have and how strong you are. There's a great chance the counseling wil work!
    I wish I had so much courage...

  5. I think you're doing so much better than you think, Jill - it's hard, changing the way you've thought for your entire life. That includes allowing yourself out to someone else. You're incredibly brave to try.

  6. (((hugs)))

    I know it seems odd to talk to other weird and strange people, but counselling helped me through a tough time many many years ago. I say give it a couple more tries before you hang it up.

  7. If this was only your first time, I can see how it might feel odd or not quite right. But it can help, so I hope you give it a few times to see if it starts to feel better.

  8. Hubby and I finally got into a therapist today. We each got our own. Hubby was very unhappy with how it all went, and I was ready to invite mine to Thanksgiving dinner.
    Starting therapy, when you don't share normally is an odd feeling. It goes against almost everything we learn about functioning in poilte society. (Religion, politics, money, self...)
    There are also a ton of therapists out there, and just like people you meet everyday, you aren't going to jive with each one. You have some real reasons to be depressed, things aren't how you planned them...give yourself a break about how you're coping with that.
    Love you! (Maybe I should fly out and we can take a WEEK to catch up.)

  9. I'm the same way with my emotions and feelings. I don't like to show/share them much. I try to keep a happy face on for everyone. Maybe talking to the therapist will help you feel comfortable being more open with people. Let me know...maybe I should give it a try!

  10. Oh darling! I think its human nature and totally natural to want to "fix" ourselves. It goes against everything inside us to admit that we are broken. And worse yet - something internal like depression that can't be seen and has sooo many different manifestations.
    I say take a deep breathe. Look at it as working on the inside like your running was working on the outside. Everyone needs some "spring cleaning". I talked to my cousin about Kell's traumatic start to life and could not believe the weight it took off of me! I wish I would have done it sooner.
    I also like to have an outside perspective on feelings I have. I WANT someone to tell me if I'm being completely crazy!!
    Sometimes a therapist isn't a good match. Give it a minimum of three sessions. You may need to find someone with a different personality or style.
    Depression is a very real thing. And it is terrifying to think you might be dealing with it. The meds freak me out too!! I didn't take any after my divorce and I wish I would have. In fact, I'm on the verge of taking them right now. It's a chemical imbalance. It isn't anything you did wrong.
    Hang in there. Keep venting! Please let me know if you need to talk :) you still have my email address, right? I can give you my phone number too :)
    Big hugs!!!

    wow... that was long. I hope it made sense!

  11. i just want to send ((hugs)) i think you are so brave for going to therapy. so many people (myself included) have said "gee, i should go" & then chicken out. i hope it becomes a source of help for you, & in the meantime, there's always your devoted blog audience here to listen. :)

  12. I get it... Sometimes there is so much hurt that you have to build a wall. You dont want it all to go spilling over to everyone else, so you don't say anything. I've been there and often there are still things that I can't tell most people, or even anyone at all. So I lock it up inside. It feels like if I could talk to someone that I know wouldn't judge me and was far enough away from the inner cyrcle of my people it might be better. I'm not sure I could talk like that to a stranger, just because I don't know what they would be thinking.

    I geuss my point is stick with it, at least for awhile, and don't ever feel alone. If you need anyone to talk to I'm an IM or phone call away.

  13. Just in case it might help-I'm very much the same in that I don't have any friend close enough that I can tell my most intimate thoughts/feelings to. And I never wanted to be a person who needed help from an outside source-I thought I could handle things myself. My first attempt at therapy ended up with my crying the whole first session. Then the following sessions I never really got into any depth what was going on with me. I could never get comfortable with the actual talking about myself. I lasted just a few sessions with that therapist. Then more than 2 years later I realized I needed to really delve deeper to get help and feel better, so I started with a new therapist and did 2 years individual therapy (with medication added) and then 1 year group therapy. Helped tremendously.

  14. I want to give you my support. i don't particularly like when therapists suggest medications straight away. So I understand. Give yourself some time though, you may feel different about the whole thing in a couple of days. Love, Fran

  15. I have done counselling a few times and understand the hesitancy of being emotional in there - I definitely was too. I do have people that I confide in that has really helped me but everyone is different. As a recovering alcholic, I really see that asking for help is the bravest, most courageous thing that you can do - I admire anyone who can take this step - good on you!!

  16. Hi Jill! Just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to extend a message to let you know that you are not alone. There are MANY people who deal with the same kind of feelings and frustrations that you do. Going to a therapist for now is a way to handle the situation, and you can try it for a few more sessions, and if you are still not comfortable then don't go. Find other things that can make you feel happy and connected with your life and your situation. Have you considered other ways to become parents? Best of luck with your journey :)

  17. I totally understand feeling like you're a smart person and should just be able to figure this all out by yourself. I have felt that way before too.

    But, I think it's really a good idea to continue getting help and talking to someone. This journey sucks and hopefully it will end soon...but it might not and it might get a lot harder. Talking to someone will make a difference in the long run. You will be able to handle more later if you need to. You will be healthier and able to make better decisions.

    Just going in the 1st place was a great thing and you should be proud of yourself for taking that step.

  18. FWIW, for someone in your situation who does not talk to others regularly about her feelings (except her husband), I think counseling is even more important. And there is nothing shameful about asking for help when you need it, in my book.