14dpo - beta

Pee test this morning was negative again so I knew what was coming. The beta was negative. I'm really bummed (understatement) but trying to ignore it. I mean really, did I expect any different?

I was already gloomy enough in my last post so here is my attempt at thinking happy thoughts.

The fertility clinic I go to has the best blood drawers ever. I have a needle phobia - have never been good with them. Obviously through the IF years I've learned to better deal with frequent blood draws but they still freak me out. This place makes it so much better. They get it over with super fast, they try to distract if I seem like I'm getting anxious, they hardly ever leave any bruise or mark at all (I've had some bad ones at other places), and often I can barely feel the needle go in. The picture below shows my arm a few minutes ago - see the tiny red dot? That's the only mark and I hardly felt it. Today, as she was drawing my blood I told her they are awesome at it and I appreciate it so much.

Things I get to do now:

- Stop taking so many pills a day for a little while. I currently take 7.

- Stop taking the progesterone gel every night. Ugh that stuff is unpleasant.

- Not worry about if I'll be able to do the upcoming vegas half marathon while 18 weeks pregnant. I'm signing up officially in the next couple days.

- Get rid of the sore boobs in a day or so hopefully. (well, the soreness anyway, not the boobs themselves...)

- Move on and officially end this cycle. This random cramping must be from the progesterone and, now that I know everything is negative, it's driving me crazy :/

I'm planning on doing this all again next cycle if they'll let me. I must be crazy.

13dpo

My hope is gone. I tested for the past 3 mornings - all negative. I'm irritable, sad, crampy, and "the girls" have been sore now for a couple days. I feel the need to apologize for being such a downer.

The picture kind of goes along with this depressing theme. Earlier this year we cleaned out our garage (one pet peeve of mine is attached garages that can't actually be used to park cars in, so we always keep ours fairly clean) and I came across a box that hadn't been sorted through in a LONG time.

Those are the magazines I started subscribing to, buying, and collecting when, 15 years ago, I decided I was ready to have a baby. Silly me. The years on each magazine are what really get me. I threw them all away.

Tomorrow I fully expect the test in the morning to be negative and my beta to be negative too. I suppose there is still a small chance but I'm pretty sure that a test wold have been positive this morning if it was going to be at all.

10 dpo

Took this with my phone camera right after my hsg/shg in June. It's my uterus; the tube on the left in the picture is pretty clear, with the spillage at the end, but to me the tube on the right looks odd. Too long or something. The doctor and nurse did not say there was anything abnormal.

I was able to wait 2 days but tested this morning. Negative.

I'm feeling crampy today, like my period's about to start. That could be a good sign or it could mean nothing.

Guess I'll just have to keep waiting...

It's Not Real

This is my first ever positive pregnancy test. It's not "real" but it is a symbol of hope. Too much hope realistically. It's the result of a trigger shot.

Back Story

Back in June I decided to go back to my fertility clinic. There was a whole fiasco with a gyn/fertility clinic I was going to closing and I wanted to get a new prescription (for glumetza, I'm currently on metformin) so I figured what the heck. July was also my much-dreaded "advanced maternal age" birthday which I tried my best to ignore.ugh. I ended up discussing a clomid cycle, got all the medication for it, and then it was cancelled due to an elevated tsh level.

About one month on a low dose of levothyroxine and my tsh still wasn't low enough (it was about 4) so I started on double the dose. That did the trick and my tsh lowered to about 2. I'm still on that dose.

During the first cycle that was cancelled I had my second hsg. It went uncomfortably fine. Both tubes are still open. However they found that my uterine lining did not look smooth in some places and they recommended a D&C. I was not on board with this and didn't schedule one.

During the cd3 u/s of the second cycle, an ovarian cyst was found. So, the second cycle was also a bust for both elevated tsh and the cyst. They put me on BCPs for that month. I was fine with taking the pill; however, about 11 years ago I had taken BCPs for about 1.5-2 years and had a bad experience with them. I told the nurse that and she gave me a lower dose type. I took the first pill that day and then proceeded to spot/bleed for the entire cycle. It was awesome. {please note the sarcasm}

When the pack of pills had about 2 weeks left (including the 5 placeholder pills) I realized that I would be taking the last real pill days before the half marathon which was some really crappy timing. I called the office, told them about the half marathon, and asked if I could stop the pill earlier. They agreed. Yay!

On Aug 5th I went in for my cd3 u/s and blood work. My tsh was a 2 and the cyst was gone.

I took 100mg of clomid from Aug 6th - 10th. I didn't have high hopes. I've taken clomid before - though it was about 15 years ago now and those cycles were unmonitored - and I was never able to detect ovulation.

On the morning of Aug 16th (cd 14) I went in for the progress u/s and more blood work. To my surprise my lining looked great and there was one dominant 20mm+ follicle. Whoa. There were a couple other follicles but all under 16mm. A perfect response!? Definitely not what I was expecting.

They gave me my hcg trigger (10,000 units) that day, at the end of my appt. Then of course, there was some sex. (this was not an iui cycle)

The test in the picture above was taken on the 17th. I had to do it. I had to create at least one positive test in my life, even if it was "fake".

Current Events

So, now that we're caught up in the story, let me just say that I'm currently going crazy. This is really the first actual 2ww I've ever had. One where I know there is a chance, however small.

My beta is on Aug 31st at 1:00pm. 6 more days. Assuming ovulation happened the day after the trigger, I'm currently 8dpo. I was planning not to test again but I've been getting steadily crazier and bought a bunch of $1 tests yesterday.

I tested last night to see if the trigger was still there and it wasn't. The test was definitely negative. Ever since that the hope I did have has diminished. Doesn't it take 10 days for 10,000 units of hcg to leave a person's system? Last night was only 8.5 days for me :/ I know this has nothing to do with whether I actually conceive or not but for some reason that negative test has really slapped the sense back into me.

Now that I know the trigger is gone, I'm going to wait at least a couple days before I consider testing again.

After waiting 15 years, getting pregnant on my very first monitored clomid cycle would be way too much luck for one person.

Second Half Marathon

So very much more difficult than the one in Vegas.

It was POURING rain the entire time. I couldn't gave been more soaked and I have chafing "burns" on my waist and bottoms of my feet from the wet fabric.

This course also included quite a few hills. Ouch.

I finished though. I was so close to the Vegas time, I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't beat it, but Vegas was so much easier...

I am sore but nothing too crazy. No pains other than soreness (and the chafing injuries). My hips were hurting a fair amount in the last half mile but they feel ok now.

I don't have any pictures. I was planning to bring my phone to take some but with the heavy rain forecast I was afraid I'd ruin it.

We are hoping to do the Vegas half marathon again this December.

Vacation Time

Happy ICLW everyone! I've already gotten a bunch of lovely comments. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading! :)

I'm on vacation this week so I'm hoping to get to read and comment a lot.

As I'm typing this I'm in the car with R (husband) and the dog driving to a house we've rented for the next 4 days in the Adirondacks. It's very large (we have 4 friends joining us), nice and secluded, views of the mountains, large property with a river. River (my dog) is going to have a blast with his very own river!

This weekend is also both R's birthday and our anniversary. We've been married for 6 years. R picked the day of our wedding specifically so he would have extra help remembering the date :D

We went out for a nice dinner yesterday (I got sweet and sour calamari, walnut crusted cod with spinach risotto, & panacotta for dessert) and we have a bottle of champagne to share with everyone tonight. We don't buy each other presents but every year we get a bottle of the same type of champagne. Our own little tradition.

I got a pedicure yesterday too. I used to have a funky thing going on with my big-toe toenails and after years of trying different things, finally managed to clear it up. Last Sept I got one for the first time and now I'm addicted. I get one every few months - love how long they last.

I'm still sore but getting better. C (my sister) and I went for our long, week-2 run earlier today. 4 miles. It pretty much sucked (we walked a lot) but, as always, we're happy we went. C's arches were bothering her and we just aren't used to the heat/humidity yet. Hopefully we get used to it since the half marathon is in August! Here is where I have second thoughts about this new goal. Yikes.

I'm Sore

My calves are sore but in a good way. I kinda like it :)

I accomplished my goal. I jogged the entire 3.5 miles. No walking breaks. Really crazy that I can do this now.

My new time was a little under 48 mins, so I cut a bit more than 5 mins off my time from last year.

I'm definitely happy with this and proud I accomplished what I set out to but I'm having a hard time not comparing myself to others. I run/jog damn slow. Really slow. To my credit there were hills in yesterday's run which I'm not used to at all. But, I'm still extremely slow.

I keep telling myself that jogging for 48 mins straight is so much more than I've ever done athletically before 2 years ago and that I'll keep improving little by little if I keep it up.

Near the end of the race I had some brief flashes of concerning knee pain in my right knee. Same knee I've had a bunch of surgeries on (I tore my ACL ~18 years ago). It didn't last long but I'll be keeping an eye on it when I run next.

Speaking of running next, C and I are training for our 2nd half marathon that's on August 7th! I put a ticker up for it. I'm excited but way more nervous now that I know the 3.5 I just did was pretty tough.

This week was week 2 of our training and this weekend we'll be running 4 miles.

C is much more enthusiastic about this next half marathon now that she knows we've done it before :) I know we can do it again and this time we have a time to try to beat!

Another 3.5

Tonight I'm running the corporate challenge (3.5 miles) with others from my company for the second year in a row.

Last year this event was my first ever "5k" and it is what helped inspire me to do the half marathon.

I was very disappointed last year when I had to walk almost the whole thing. Having been pretty sick in the month or so before, I didn't have a chance to build up as much as I was planning. Who knows, even if I wasn't sick I might have procrastinated anyway.

I finished last year in about 53 mins.

I'm going to beat this time tonight.

I know I can run for 3.5 miles straight now. I hadn't ever gone that distance last year without a walking break.

I'm actually looking forward to this!

(*pictured above is our team t-shirt, my number, and my almost 2 yr old(!!) ga.rmin)

The Unpleasant 1/3 of Life (My Work History)

I haven't been happy at work for a long time now.

There are ups and downs all the time but generally I'm unhappy, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed, I'm pissed, I'm frustrated. However, I'm not sure if this is because of the job itself or because of a personality flaw or my lack of coping skills or what.

When I was 16, my first job was at a restaurant as a bus person. I don't remember my feelings toward it but I do remember crying in the car when my dad would drop me off. Finding the place deserted when I went in one day was not heart-breaking :) The owners had skipped out in the middle of the night.

My next real job (besides standard baby-sitting) was as a drug store cashier. I worked there through the rest of high school and after. I remember liking this job for the most part with some negative mixed in.

At 19, I moved out of my parent's house (dropped out of college) and across the country. That's a whole other story but when I finally started working, I had cashier/retail jobs until I became a nanny for a 3-month old baby girl. She was a cutie but her mom was a nut job. I loved the work but dealing with her mom was hard on me.

I left the nanny position 9-10 months later when I moved again, returning to my home town. I had formed strong ties with people at the drug store and they agreed to hire me back but for a different store. I was hired as the manager of the 1-hour photo. It was in an extremely busy area and we were constantly over capacity. That, along with a bad situation getting worse with my personal life, caused me a LOT of stress. I remember that Halloween had been a particularly bad day at work and I went to my mom's for a party. I went upstairs away from everyone, stood in a corner and cried. It all felt so hopeless.

After that I transferred back to my original store to work part time in their photo lab and not as a manager. At the same time I took a job as a nanny for a 9 week old little boy. In general I was happy with both jobs. Money sucked but my ex and I were always good with money and it wasn't an issue. I LOVED nannying. Seriously, best job I've ever had.

During these two jobs my life basically fell apart and my ex and I separated. I ended up moving away and leaving both jobs about 2 years later. I couldn't support myself anymore without my ex on so little pay and I needed a big change.

A brand-new drug store of the same chain was opening in my new town and I used my experience to easily get another photo lab manager position. That lasted about 3 months. Looking back it seems much longer. I really liked the photo-developing aspect of the job and I was good at managing the dept but I COULD NOT take the customers anymore. It was all over when my teenage employee's eyes moved from the angry woman storming away, to me, and said, "OMG you totally laughed in her face!!" Ugh. Not my best manager moment. I was so frustrated by getting yelled at for something that wasn't my fault, that I couldn't fix, for the millionth time. It was an "if you don't laugh, you'll cry" situation. I didn't get in trouble for the incident but I was so done with retail.

My bf at the time (R, my husband) worked at a website development company and got me a job as their administrative assistant. I didn't think I could do this job. It was much different than anything I'd ever done and paid much better too. Salaried pay?! What's that? Turned out I could easily handle it but it was a tiny company and I was bored much of the time. I played flash games half the day and remember being pretty unhappy with the boredom (silly, silly past-me). A year after I was hired, both R and I were laid off on the same day along with many more of the company's employees. Doh!

I missed being a nanny and applied to several day care centers but was sad to find out those positions pay about $6.50/hour. There was no way I could support myself on that. With R's help and encouragement I again branched out regarding the types of jobs I might be able to do. I really never considered that I could make more than a cashier's salary.

My next job was scheduler for a company with many medical offices. It's complicated to explain and this is already way too long but basically I cold-called people all day long and scheduled appts for them. I worked there for a little over 4 years. It didn't pay as well as the admin asst job but paid much better than any other job I'd ever had. At the beginning I liked it well enough but I eventually became stressed and frustrated with its tedious nature, the tiny raises, lack of promotion possibilities, and upper management in general. It was not a career.

I went back to school while at this job and finally finished a degree in biotechnology. I haven't mentioned it yet but none of my jobs have had anything to do with what I'm interested in (besides nannying anyway). I love sciences: biology (marine, plant, cell, micro), astronomy, geology, etc. Biology mostly though :)

After graduation I procrastinated about 6 months and started applying to lab tech positions and other things. I didn't get called back for the ones I liked the best. I interviewed at several places and was offered a job at a small company that couldn't give me health insurance and wasn't biology related but was in the right science-y direction. At the same time R got me an interview at the company he had been working at for 3+ years. It was a MUCH different position than anything I'd ever done before. I was very intimidated but he thought I could do it. It was a far cry from the science-related field I wanted to be in but it would pay about 3x as much as I was making.

I interviewed and I got the job. Pay was a HUGE part of why I took it. I could imagine having it as a career. It had good health insurance and a 401k. R works in the same building as me - we get to have lunch together, and sometimes commute together.

But there are lots of negatives that have compounded over the 4+ years I've been there and I'm very unhappy. And now I have a decision to make. A decision that I'm having a very hard time making.

Travel and Discontent

The pic is of my sister's new kitten. She was fostering him and fell in love. Hard to imagine why ;)

C (my youngest sister who lives a mile from me) and I went to visit our middle sister the weekend before last in NC. We flew down and back in 3 days.

I had never been there. It was a good trip. We spent some quality  3-sister time together, which is rare, and we got lots of kitten cuddles too.

I've been traveling a lot this year. In Feb I went to NYC for work for a couple days. In March I flew to TX to visit my dad. At the beginning of April I went to see my grandmother and hang out with my dad a bit more since he was visiting her as well. Then there was the long weekend trip to NC and in about a week we are going to the adirondaks for a nice vacation in the woods.

The vacation will be the first time traveling with R this year. I'm looking forward to being off work for a while but am afraid of what might go on at work with my projects while I'm gone.

I'm continuing to have a hard time managing work stress but I'm not sure it's just work that's the problem. I feel like I can't get control of my life.

More about this later I guess. I need to get to bed. The later I stay up, the worse everything seems...

Pink

So happy it's spring!

I've been taking pictures of all the new flowers and plants blooming in my yard.

We have three of these trees but this one gets the most flowers. It won't last but another couple days. It will last much longer here :)

Donuts

I'm not feeling too well this morning. Just stomach issues which will pass soon, I'm sure. That didn't keep me from eating one of these donuts and then going back for another. I told myself it was so I could take a picture for the blog. Uh huh. But I will end up eating it.

I seriously have no will power. YUM DONUT is all I can think.

I'm a huge carb addict. Cake, cookies, chips, rice, potatoes in other forms... I crave that stuff. Reading about diets that are beneficial to PCOS (like atkins/southbeach) makes me die a little inside.

When I was first on glumetza my relationship with food seemed to change. I no longer craved carbs nearly as much and I liked fruit more. 4 or 5 months ago the annoying mail-order pharmacy I'm forced to use was out of my brand and auto-switched me to an extended release metformin. It's WAY cheaper but it seems like it's not working as well. I'm almost done with the current supply so I'm trying to switch back to glumetza.

I'm still in limbo but 99.999% sure I'm not pregnant, of course. I've been spotting off and on, REALLY lightly, for about a week now. I'm assuming I didn't O at all this past cycle and everything is screwed from that.

It just drives me freakin crazy to not have a normal cycle. Maybe I just need to lose more weight. I'm at approximately the same weight I was 15 years ago when I first started trying. Obviously it didn't work then and I only went up from there. Maybe another 30 lbs... boy that donut sure looks delicious...

Desperate Hope

In the past 2 years...

• I've started exercising regularly (though with some lapses...)


• I've started eating healthier, smaller portions.


• I've taken metformin/glutmetza for the past 1.5 years and I think it has helped a lot.


• I've taken EPO regularly.


• I've taken other vitamins regularly.


• And, I've lost a good amount of weight.

My cycles slowly seem to be regulating. They are still much longer than average but a far cry from every 2-4 months like they were.

I'm so happy with all these things. I'm proud of myself.

Of course, I'd like to lose more weight. I want to continue to exercise regularly. I want to continue to make smart food choices for my body. But even so, there is a giant, positive difference between the me now and the me from 2 years ago. That's awesome.

BUT...

Does this increase my chance of getting pregnant?

I'm hoping so. Hoping too much, in fact.

I still have yet to ever detect an ovulation, either by temping (which I don't do anymore but am considering doing again) or by OPKs. However, I do track CM changes and have found a pattern of specific changes approximately 12-16 days before AF arrives.

It's been almost 15 years. I've never seen a positive test. Given those facts I'd say my chances are pretty damn slim.

But I'm healthier/weigh less now than I have in about 13 years. I've resisted it but maybe all these years the doctors I've seen were right. I was too fat to get pregnant. This can't be true in general - I've seen pregnant women and mothers much heavier than I have ever been - which is why I get so upset whenever I'm told that. Doctors love to preach weight loss. To an extent, sure, it's healthier to be closer to an average weight, but give me a break. I lost weight because that's what happened when I started exercising and eating better (and taking met), not because I was specifically trying to. I've never counted calories or limited myself to specific types of food.

Anyway, clearly I have some weight-directed thoughts that want to come out but that's not what this post is about really.

These beneficial changes I've made lead me to believing my chances at getting pregnant may have increased a significant amount. I can't help it. I know it's probably not true but I'm in crazy hope mode. I know I'm always setting myself up for big disappointment.

This cycle has been odd, I didn't really track a clear CM change but, if I ovulated, I think it was around 2 weeks ago. With every cycle I'm continually wishing and hoping that this could be the one.

I can forget about it for a little while but my mind keeps going back there. And when I think about it I feel desperate.

Please, please, please...

Just let this be it.

Mobile test 3

Mobile test 2

Testing a couple more pics... don't think there's a way to post multiple pics in the same post. Annoying.

Mobile test

Just downloaded a mobile blogging app for my phone...

If it posts, the pic is one I took in a book store while chuckling to myself. Maybe I should have bought a copy ;)

Surprise Heart-Break

I have this site in my reader. Often it is very funny. Sometimes shockingly funny. haha

Little did I know, today, while browsing some older posts, it would be the source of much more negative feelings.

Some people would think this was funny, even cute, or sweet. When I looked, I was stunned for a moment while I read the caption, and then I was completely heart-broken. For the aunt and for myself.

I'm referencing this picture.

I almost cried. Please let that not be me.

A Long Time

as in... it's been one. A long time. It's been a long time since I've even looked at my blog.

I'm behind but I've still been reading blogs often. I just haven't been blogging myself. Apparently I can only juggle so many things and stay sane. I don't really even juggle a lot. It's sad, really. Stress management is what it's all about.

I told R today, when we were sitting at Red Robin eating an early dinner, that I haven't blogged because the next post to be written is the final installment of the half marathon recap and I just didn't want to write it. He said, "you are procrastinating your own hobby." It's true. That's weird. No clue why I haven't felt like writing the last installment. My apologies to anyone who was waiting to read it...

Right now I'm sitting on the couch, in my living room, next to R, and we are watching Oceans 11. Well actually, he is watching it. I'm writing this post and probably annoying him with clicking.

Now I'm going to go write a bit more of the final half marathon post. I'll finish it someday.

IBDW (Shameless Request for Comments!)

Lots of posts today for IBDW - I've been commenting up a storm - so I'm curious to try on my blog too! Please say "Hi" in the comments if you are reading, even if you regularly comment anyway. More than just "Hi" is always welcome, of course. I love finding new blogs to read :)

And, I promise, the final installment of the half marathon recap is coming...

Two Years

I've been blogging for two years today. I'm terrible at posting regularly but the fact that I still post at all is amazing. I have no plans to stop either.

I'm so happy to have found this community. Reading stories and comments from people who are going through similar things is so helpful and I love to offer support to others as well. If I end up having to accept a childless future, blogging will be a huge part of how I will come to terms with my situation. Reading about others' lives is really eye-opening.

I made rice krispie treats tonight on a whim - I'm going to go eat one now in a little blogoversary celebration :)

Happy 2011 everyone.