My Job Sucks

I'm still working. Why the heck am I still working?!

I was up until 2am on Fri (Sat morning).

I was up until 3am on Sat (Sun morning).

And I'm still up now - 2am on Monday morning. ugh!

It's times like these that I just feel like saying "Oh, well!", and quitting. But I can't, I know I can't. From the time I was 16, the longest I haven't been employed is about 9 months all together. The majority of that time was right after I moved to CA (when I was 19) and we didn't have a car. Then we got a car but I ended up having surgery and couldn't get a job until I was healed. I remember sitting in an interview, trying to find a comfortable sitting position because the scar on my stomach was still very tender. I've almost always had a job.

I'm so far from a career-minded person, it's not funny. I want to stay home and clean my house, do yard work, cook, bake, etc. That, and caring for babies/children, is my ideal job.

I once was a full time nanny for a little boy from when he was 9 weeks old until he was almost 2 yrs old - it was the best job I've ever had. Sure, there were stressful times, and the pay sucked, but it was awesome. Oh, how I miss that kid.

“i need to change a diaper, brb”

Stab me in the heart, why doncha?

~~~~<<<<<>>>>>~~~~

I’m sitting here working, glued to my laptop, in a dark office (shades are drawn because the house AC can’t quite reach up here and it is h.o.t. today), wishing I was outside enjoying the beautiful weather or at least sitting downstairs in the cooler, sunny, living room watching TV. It is so warm today – lovely blue skies and green grass.

But, I’m working.

My job requires that we work whenever we have to. I was up until 2am this morning working. (though, I admit, that is partly because I was procrastinating - reading blogs - woops) Our pain-in-the-ass client has finally decided to leave us, much to the happiness of our VP, since they were problematic, scrooge-like, assholes that were never happy no matter how much we busted our butts for them. In the midst of agreements on final specs to close out their account, they decided they wanted us to complete several large projects for them, urgently (OMG GET THIS DONE ASAP!!!), due in less than a week. This was far from even possible and they have since rethought their “urgent” deadline, changing it from April 28th to May 1st. The departments I coordinate with say they can do it… we shall see. (me, negative? No WAY!)

In order to even have a chance at making these deadlines, I, and my coworker, have to work for the better part of this weekend and probably all day on Monday, late into the night – think, 9, 10, 11pm – whatever it takes. I do feel lucky to have this job but it can be very stressful and annoying. This client makes me want to quit, become a hit man, and hunt them ~the eff~ DOWN. *grumble*

My dog is sick.

Not sure exactly what’s wrong with him but he’s been gagging and sneezing since last night. He sleeps in our bedroom and we were woken up every hour or so by a crazily exploding dog – AAAAAAACHOOOOOOOO!!! Actually more like PPPFFFFTTHPTPPPPPPTH!! as he blows air out of his nostrils and shakes his head back and forth. I called the vet this morning at 8am (remember, I went to bed at 2am and I was woken up all night, every hour *rubs eyes and yawns* hey, it's not like I have a newborn or something) and they can’t really do anything for him except give him antibiotics. Going to the vet is very stressful for him. If I need to, I’ll bring him in on Monday morning. I think he’ll be fine though; he’s had this type of thing in the past and it was annoying but no big deal.

I had a pregnancy dream this morning.

I dreamt I was very pregnant and was waiting around to go into labor. I was starting to talk to my mom about how I wanted to try and stay drug-free and I was worried that she would argue with me. I was also telling R that I was just going to go to dog class with river and I would leave immediately if I thought labor was starting – no one liked that idea ;) My youngest sister was in my dream and she was pregnant too, but a few months behind me. I keep remembering feeling my stomach and being in awe. I remember finally ending up with a c-section and having twins. I looked at my c-section scar and lamented the fact that it formed an upside-down cross :/ on my belly when it joined with my vertical ovarian cyst removal scar. Doh. (that all too real scar, runs from 2 inches above my belly-button ALL the way down…) There was much more to the dream but it’s fading quickly.

The dream was very real. I woke to the aforementioned “PPPFFFFTTHPTPPPPPPTH!!” and thought for a moment, “wait a minute, I’m not pregnant and I don’t have newborn twins…” *sigh*.

~~~~<<<<<>>>>>>~~~~

So, back to my current situation.
I’m speaking with my coworker, P, through IMs, about our current projects and he messages me “i need to change a diaper, brb”. Thanks, P, for sharing that with me.

Stab me in the heart, why doncha?

I really needed to be reminded of the fact that you have two very small children and I have none. I'm not mad at him, I know it was a very inconsequential statement - it just hit a raw nerve at the "perfect" moment.

Week 3.1; Day 1

Many thanks to all of you for your encouraging comments. This blog and every one's comments are really helping me stick to this. I look forward to posting my status and reading comments, and that gives me even more motivation to get out there and keep goin'!

Last night I started my 6th week (holy cow!). I'm repeating week 3: Brisk five-minute warm up walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds); Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds); Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes); Walk 400 yards (or 3 minutes).

In response to a commenter - I am doing the "Couch to 5k", which is much less aggressive than the "Couch to 10k" program. I can't find the link at the moment that I found it from but it is a 9 week program that works you up to jogging 3 miles in about 30 mins. That one was much more appealing to me as a complete beginner who had never jogged before. I copied the program into a spreadsheet (along with instructions for runners' stretches that I found) which I use to track my progress.

So, last night I got home from river's agility class around 9:30 and came into the house with the intention of going right back out again. I have to do this or else the comfy couch, the mesmerizing computer , or the nagging pile of dishes will capture me and severely lessen my motivation. I succeeded; fed/watered river, changed, and went right back outside.

Unfortunately, river has begun a bad habit of trying to poo right in the middle of my 5 min warm up walk... what the heck, dogface?! I give him plenty of time and opportunity to "go" before we leave but noooooo he needs it to be exercised out of him. Cleaning up poo from some poor person's yard, in the dark, with a flashlight is NOT my idea of a good time.

Poo issues aside, I did well. It is still trying, and I probably go much slower than I should, but I am able to push myself to jog the entire intervals much more easily than I was on Week 3; Day 1. Since I am repeating, I decided to push myself to go a little faster each day of week 3.1. Last night, I ended the last 3 min walk right before my driveway which was a couple houses further than I have gotten before. I decided to loop one more time, which made my last 3 min walking interval actually about 9 mins. Grand total of 6 loops / 1.8 miles.

I feel like going out right now for an early day 2 but I can't :/ Work has been crazy the past few days and I should really be working right now, not writing this post. I've also been wanting to write a non-running related post but that has been pushed off because of work as well.

Hope everyone has a happy weekend!

Week 3; Day 2 & 3

Well, I kept up with the week 3 instruction and am still amazed I can jog for 3 minutes straight. and... I still feel silly for saying that out loud ;)

Day 2 was on 4/17 and it went slightly better than day 1. Nothing interesting to report really. I made it about the same distance, lungs still burned at the end of the 3 minutes but it felt better than the first day.

Day 3 was on 4/21. That's right, after I decided to start going every other day I ended up skipping 2 days. I feel guilty :/ I didn't want to go last night either but I forced myself. I knew I would be happy I went, and I was. I did better distance-wise too so I think I pushed myself to jog a little faster. Same stats as the other two days: 5 loops / 1.5 miles. Actually I did walk a little farther to make sure I was out there for 20 mins (not including the warm up 5 mins) so I probably went closer to 1.6 miles.

I still haven't experienced much pain. Last night my ankle was hurting a little but I just pushed through it. Today it doesn't hurt at all. I haven't ever gotten that common side "stitch" either. I believe I wrote about that knee pain I felt this past Thurs - it continued for a couple days but hasn't been an issue. I seem to be having some trouble with stairs lately but I'm not sure if it's just fatigue or me being scared of knee pain or what. I'll just keep an eye on it.

I wish this running thing was something I couldn't wait to do. Almost every time I go, no matter how horrible it feels, I'm glad I went at the end. I feel a sense of accomplishment and general physical well-being after I go that makes me happy. But damn, is it hard to actually get myself out there.

I've been doing this for almost 5 week now! That is the longest I've kept up with something like this and I'm not even considering giving up yet. In fact, just the opposite, I was considering going on to Week 4 at my next run. I've decided to re-do week 3, though. My main concern is, since I was completely sedentary before, just sticking to this and making it a habit instead of pushing just yet. I do love to see progress but I'm still afraid of giving up if I push too hard.

Today...

Today my back hurts and I'm feeling restless and tired.

Today I am being bad and eating dark chocolate peanut M&.Ms when I know I should be trying to limit my useless calories.

Today I'm worried about my grandmother, my dad, and my uncle. They went to an appt earlier today to find out if the masses and fractures found in my grandmother's spine are most likely cancer or not.

Today I actually have work to do but I don't want to do it because it's going to be complicated and I don't want to expend the brain power. I just want to sit here in a vegetative state.

Today I am happy because our basement renovation is just about done. We paid our horrible contractor his last check yesterday and we never have to see him again! Yay!

Today I want to go to the store to get a new pair of pants to jog in. My current sweatpants are so old they start slipping down whenever I run.

Today I feel guilty because I didn't go running last night when I got home from visiting my grandmother. Instead I ate carrots and hummus and canned green beans and watched House with my much missed R.

Today I think I'm spotting... which means I'm going to have to make the BCP or no BCP decision very soon. Ugh.

Today is dreary and cloudy and it's supposed to rain for a good part of this week. But, I am happy that it's 54 degrees, spring is here, the trees have buds, and the tulips and daffodils and lilies are sprouting.

Today I didn't feel like writing a running update (partly because of my guilt for not going out last night) but I will probably write one tomorrow.

Today I will notice the bad things and the good things, I will work and then go home to R-hugs and River-kisses, and I will be content.

Week 3; Day 1

Well, apparently I can do it. I jogged for three mins straight, twice, on Wed (4/15).

The Week 3 instruction is this:
Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds); Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds); Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes); Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

I didn't decide until I was actually out there and on my first walking interval. After the 90 secs of jogging, instead of walking for 2 mins, I decided at about the 1 min mark to only walk for 90 secs and then give the 3 min jog my very best effort.

MY LUNGS WERE ON FIRE by the time I got to 3 mins. Youch.

At the end of both 3 min jogs I actually said outloud "Holy crap! I did it!" haha The second 3 min walk ended about two houses away from finishing the 5th loop so I ended up going 5 loops / 1.5 miles.

By the end my lower back was really aching but everything else was ok.

Yesterday (and a little bit so far today) I started getting an occasional stabbing pain in my "bad" knee but I'm unsure if it's related. It didn't happen while I was running at all. I've had so much pain in that knee in the past 16 years though, and there's nothing that can be done about it; so, I don't think I'll worry about it unless it starts happening during my runs.

I'm still kind of discouraged - I just want to lay around all day and eat :) or do I?... I have always hated mindless exercise. But, I have noticed that I have not been getting restless anymore and that's a big plus.

Also...

It takes my mind off the fact that I want to have a baby so badly and I can't. So that's good, too.

Running Progress: Week 2.1

I went out to run on 4/9 and knew right away that I wasn't going to be able to do the 3 min run. It sucked - really, really sucked. I started week 2 again, doing the 90 second jogging/2 min walking intervals. I did complete each full 90 sec interval that night (think I did a total of 6 laps or 1.8 miles) but I really felt horrible the whole time. I was so tired and out of breath and just completely felt disgusting. When I got back in I spent a good amount of time stretching since that's my favorite part. River was being a jerk that night, too; so, I only took him with me on one lap. R suggested that since I was mad/stressed already maybe that's why it went so poorly. I dunno. Isn't exercise supposed to be a stress reliever?

Saturday, day 2 (4/11), was better. C came over and went with me. We went just slightly slower than 4/9 but I didn't feel quite as crappy. We completed each of the 90 sec intervals again. Still, I don't think I could have done 3 mins that night either. We did 6 laps/1.8 miles.

On Sunday I took River for a walk for about a mile or so at a quick pace. I keep thinking maybe I'm not progressing because I'm only doing this 3 times a week. Maybe I need to be doing something cardio-ish almost every day in order to beat my body into submission. You hear me body?? You can't get out of this!!

Monday, I missed the first day so far since I've started this :( I wanted to go but was painting all night long (for our basement renovation which is never ending). It was 11pm when I finished, my back ached from painting, and I was just so tired. I went to bed. Instead, I did day 3 yesterday, a day I normally have "off". I didn't feel any worse than the past two times but I certainly didn't feel any better. The last jogging interval, I pushed until I couldn't possibly jog any further and it was at the 2 min mark. I only did 5 laps/1.5 miles. Bleh.

Next running day is today, even though I just went yesterday. Completely off my schedule but I have to travel this weekend and I don't want to skip a day. If I run tonight, Friday night, and Sunday night I should be able to bypass when I'll be away. Oh, and I've decided to definitely start doing every other day, and to go out for at least a mile walk on as many off days as I can.

I feel so discouraged. I keep telling myself that when I started I definitely couldn't have done what I'm doing now. I guess, for me, this is just going to take a lot longer than normal.

Doggie Agility Class

I took River to his first agility class a couple months ago. It's been over for a while now (it was a 6 week class) but I thought I'd share.

He freakin loves climbing on top of things and running through tunnels so I always wanted to get him into agility. Sadly I had never been able to find any classes in this area. Late fall of last year I found a contact list of agility people and sent out a bunch of emails. I got several responses but they were all an hour + away. I finally decided my want to do at least one class with him was greater than my un-want to drive that far; so, I commited to a class that's about an hour away from my work and a little more than an hour away from our house. It's in NY but very close to the MA border.

We had a great time. The drive ended up being not too bad. I think he enjoyed the agility stuff, he got tons of yummy treats (to make him do what I wanted him to do haha), and he got to play with the other three dogs in the class.

C even went with us and sat through one of the classes :)

I have signed us up for "part 2" class which starts tonight. I am kind of dreading the drive but I'll be glad I went. River does really well with all the agility stuff. If we practiced enough it's possible I could compete with him. I'd be really interested in doing that but I have no where close that I could practice and I highly doubt he could compete without multiple practices every week. I'm excited to see how this next class goes.

On the running front, I didn't end up going out last night. I'm still thinking about upping the frequency but I guess I'm not ready just yet. Tonight will be day 1 of week 3 and I think I've decided to give it a try. If the 3 mins is too much to take then I'll just do another week 2. Oy, finish work, 2+ hours of driving, 1 hour of agiliy class, 45 mins or so of running/stretching... apparently I'm not going to get to eat dinner today!

Week 2; Day 2 and Day 3

I’m still at it. Both days were the same as Day 1: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

C and river went with me on day 2 (this past Saturday); only river went with me on day 3 (this past Monday).

Both days I ran the entire 90 seconds of each interval. The first 90 seconds feel good and all others are tough. I’ve found that the middle ones are the toughest and it gets a little easier at the end. Kind of weird.

C and I have also realized that the second half of the loop is very slightly uphill and the first half of the loop is either flat or very slightly downhill. I end up with most of the jogging intervals on the uphill portion… ugh.

Both nights were ~1.8 miles (6 loops total) but on day 2, by the end of the 5th loop, we barely got past my house at 20 mins. Day 3 I pushed to go slightly faster and was about a quarter loop past my house (into 6th loop) at 20 mins.

River is very distractible while on walks. He’ll turn and look at people we pass or dogs barking and not watch where he’s going. On day 3 there happened to be lots of distractions; so, I was actually jogging/walking and training him at the same time. At least it kept my mind occupied! Poor dog, it’s not his fault. He’s well behaved most of the time but I was just never very much of a dog walker. We mostly play in the yard, go for car rides, and go to classes for doggie physical/mental exercise.

Now to decide what to do for my next running day. Week 3 involves jogging for 3 min intervals… really not sure I’m up for that quite yet, but I have this sick desire to try it :) Hmmmm. I’ve also been contemplating upping the days a week I run. Either every other day, which would mean 3 days a week / 4 days a week, or just upping to 4 days a week every week. So far I’ve been very consistent going out every Thurs, Sat, and Mon.

There's definitely a chance I may be trying a 3 min jog tonight!

Childless, Not By Choice

This is kind of a follow up to my "I Give Up" post.

First, I want to say thank you to the wonderful ladies who posted comments to that ugly post. I read on a few blogs recently that comments are like hugs of support and I really believe that's true.

I'm not feeling as horrible as I was but I'm still so frustrated and just... angry, I guess. I really wish I had a "TO WANT CHILDREN: PRESS HERE" button that I could toggle on and off. I'd love to just passively try for another 8 years if it wasn't for the crazy emotions and obsession that goes along with it.

Then, maybe one day in the next 8 years, I'd think to myself, "hmm I haven't gotten my period in so very long, and I have little belly forming, and I feel slightly nauseous", and I'd take a test and the mythical Two Pink Lines would appear and I'd be pregnant! Holy crap! How did that even happen? What a lovely little surprise! teehee

*Long drawn-out SIGH*

or - I'd get to the end of the 8 years and think to myself one day "hmm I never did get pregnant. Ohh well! Off to finish out my life with my dear R and live the wonderful life we wouldn't quite have been able to live if children were involved", and then I'd hug my neices/nephews and smile, content with my life.

But, that is only fantasy. Like those drug store commercials where everything is perfect. I actually have that music in my head while I think of those two scenarios. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VumIgaGhv94)

I still want to be a mom more than anything in the world. Despite my long history (speaking of which, I created a timeline for my sidebar) I STILL have [false]hope and I think, right now, that's the thing that makes me angry the most. I just want to slap myself and scream "Listen to reason! You will probably not ever get pregnant." My logical side knows this but I've wished and hoped for so long, I don't know how to stop.

That "probably" is the big problem. My logical side says, if I could just definitively know I won't ever get pregnant, then I can finally begin the long, trying process of MOVING ON.

Will this child-free/child-crazed limbo ever end? I really need it to end before I drive myself crazy or become so depressed that I can't get out of bed in the morning.

I don't know what to do.

Week 2; Day 1

Well, on a less frustrated note, here's my running update:

I began week 2 last night. The instruction is:
Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

I felt ok about this all day and during my warm up walk I felt like I just might be able to pull it off. First 90 seconds I did well, I didn't get winded until about 60 seconds in and even then it wasn't bad.

Second 90 seconds kicked my butt - I was dying by the end of it (hah I feel like a loser saying that but oh well... I'm trying to get better!) but I made it all the way through. And I kept going like that. I made it through every single one of the 90 second jogs without stopping early. By the end I was jogging pretty darn slow but I WAS JOGGING! yay me!

My lungs/heart may have not been ready for week 2 but hopefully they'll catch up soon. ;) I'm still feeling a small amount of soreness but no pain. My knee is handling this better than I ever thought it would. I'm so grateful for that. I think it's definitely time to buy some better sneakers now. I've proven to myself that I will be keeping this habit up for a while.

And, oh...

I lied...

I didn't jog the entire last 90 second interval.

While on the last 2 min walk part my dog started doing the "something unpleasant is about to make its appearance" walk. I didn't have any clean-up bags with me, he had JUST gone before we started, so I started walking really fast/jogging in order to keep him from going. I know, I'm mean. At one point there at the end I think he was actually squatting and running at the same time. We thankfully made it to my yard before anything bad happened, he finished his "business", and I continued the end of the jog, then walked around in my driveway a bit. I could have gone the entire 90 seconds! I swear! damn dog...

I Give Up

Warning: extremely negative post - turn back while you still can!

After 12 years of being ready to become a parent, I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen. I'm so done with hope. It's all for nothing. I can't do this anymore. I'm not able to get pregnant on my own and invasive medical intervention (medically induced O, IUI, IVF) is not an option for many reasons. I don't even feel like I belong with the "infertility crowd" since I am not opting for ART.

I don't want to hope against the odds anymore, only to be let down over and over again.

I don't want to dream about being pregnant, giving birth, and caring for children anymore.

I don't want to look at baby items in stores/books/magazines and think that maybe this year will be the year.

I don't want to have to use all my will power not to buy pregnancy test after pregnancy test just because my long, wacked-out cycles last for 40... 50... 60... 70 days each.

I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) gets pregnant. I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) has her first baby. I need to move on so that I can be over-joyed and excited for them when the time comes.

I don't know how to stop wanting and move on.

I'm broken. I'm done. I give up.

I've decided to start birth control pills at the beginning of my next cycle (whenever the fuck that decides to be).

One more cycle of false hope - I think I can make it through without wasting any money on tests. After that, I will be forced to realize for sure, every single stupid month, that it's not possible. False hope will not be allowed.