Monday, April 6, 2009

Childless, Not By Choice

This is kind of a follow up to my "I Give Up" post.

First, I want to say thank you to the wonderful ladies who posted comments to that ugly post. I read on a few blogs recently that comments are like hugs of support and I really believe that's true.

I'm not feeling as horrible as I was but I'm still so frustrated and just... angry, I guess. I really wish I had a "TO WANT CHILDREN: PRESS HERE" button that I could toggle on and off. I'd love to just passively try for another 8 years if it wasn't for the crazy emotions and obsession that goes along with it.

Then, maybe one day in the next 8 years, I'd think to myself, "hmm I haven't gotten my period in so very long, and I have little belly forming, and I feel slightly nauseous", and I'd take a test and the mythical Two Pink Lines would appear and I'd be pregnant! Holy crap! How did that even happen? What a lovely little surprise! teehee

*Long drawn-out SIGH*

or - I'd get to the end of the 8 years and think to myself one day "hmm I never did get pregnant. Ohh well! Off to finish out my life with my dear R and live the wonderful life we wouldn't quite have been able to live if children were involved", and then I'd hug my neices/nephews and smile, content with my life.

But, that is only fantasy. Like those drug store commercials where everything is perfect. I actually have that music in my head while I think of those two scenarios. (

I still want to be a mom more than anything in the world. Despite my long history (speaking of which, I created a timeline for my sidebar) I STILL have [false]hope and I think, right now, that's the thing that makes me angry the most. I just want to slap myself and scream "Listen to reason! You will probably not ever get pregnant." My logical side knows this but I've wished and hoped for so long, I don't know how to stop.

That "probably" is the big problem. My logical side says, if I could just definitively know I won't ever get pregnant, then I can finally begin the long, trying process of MOVING ON.

Will this child-free/child-crazed limbo ever end? I really need it to end before I drive myself crazy or become so depressed that I can't get out of bed in the morning.

I don't know what to do.


  1. If they could develope a drug that would block whatever insanely strong sensation it is to want a baby - that person would be a billionare!

    Stranger things have happened. I know a few couples that got pregnant after trying for 9 years and some after 15+...
    Your desire is to strong. I don't think you can give up - give up. Whatever you want I am here to support you 100%!

    Wishing you the very best!

  2. I am going through something similar. I don't have a boyfriend or husband though, as you inferred having Jill, and I feel scared to date for fear that my wanting a child ends up meaning I overlook traits that would prove incompatibility as a happy couple OR that I become obsessed right away with wanting the guy(s) to become father to our child. I am embarrassed that I am thinking about this so much (I am 37) that it is biting into time I could be satisfied doing other things. I feel powerless and I definitely don't want to be a single mom, nor do I want to rush into something with the wrong guy just because ye olde bio clock is low on battery life.