Warning: extremely negative post - turn back while you still can!
After 12 years of being ready to become a parent, I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen. I'm so done with hope. It's all for nothing. I can't do this anymore. I'm not able to get pregnant on my own and invasive medical intervention (medically induced O, IUI, IVF) is not an option for many reasons. I don't even feel like I belong with the "infertility crowd" since I am not opting for ART.
I don't want to hope against the odds anymore, only to be let down over and over again.
I don't want to dream about being pregnant, giving birth, and caring for children anymore.
I don't want to look at baby items in stores/books/magazines and think that maybe this year will be the year.
I don't want to have to use all my will power not to buy pregnancy test after pregnancy test just because my long, wacked-out cycles last for 40... 50... 60... 70 days each.
I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) gets pregnant. I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) has her first baby. I need to move on so that I can be over-joyed and excited for them when the time comes.
I don't know how to stop wanting and move on.
I'm broken. I'm done. I give up.
I've decided to start birth control pills at the beginning of my next cycle (whenever the fuck that decides to be).
One more cycle of false hope - I think I can make it through without wasting any money on tests. After that, I will be forced to realize for sure, every single stupid month, that it's not possible. False hope will not be allowed.