Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Give Up

Warning: extremely negative post - turn back while you still can!

After 12 years of being ready to become a parent, I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen. I'm so done with hope. It's all for nothing. I can't do this anymore. I'm not able to get pregnant on my own and invasive medical intervention (medically induced O, IUI, IVF) is not an option for many reasons. I don't even feel like I belong with the "infertility crowd" since I am not opting for ART.

I don't want to hope against the odds anymore, only to be let down over and over again.

I don't want to dream about being pregnant, giving birth, and caring for children anymore.

I don't want to look at baby items in stores/books/magazines and think that maybe this year will be the year.

I don't want to have to use all my will power not to buy pregnancy test after pregnancy test just because my long, wacked-out cycles last for 40... 50... 60... 70 days each.

I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) gets pregnant. I'm so scared of the day my sister(s) has her first baby. I need to move on so that I can be over-joyed and excited for them when the time comes.

I don't know how to stop wanting and move on.

I'm broken. I'm done. I give up.

I've decided to start birth control pills at the beginning of my next cycle (whenever the fuck that decides to be).

One more cycle of false hope - I think I can make it through without wasting any money on tests. After that, I will be forced to realize for sure, every single stupid month, that it's not possible. False hope will not be allowed.


  1. Hi there,

    Following you across from your lovely comment on my site. I am sorry to read that you are in such a tough, hard, sad and hopeless position over something everbody in this community wants very badly, whether we're actively pursuing treatment or not.



  2. Hey honey. Saw your comment on Geohde's blog. I'm here for you if you need me. My life is quite lovely.

  3. I wish there was something I could say. I can't imagine trying for 12 years. A few was heartbreaking enough. As you know, I gave up several times.
    If you need to give up, give up. I am here for you.

  4. Just wanted to say thanks so much for your comments ladies. They mean a lot to me.

  5. Although I haven't been trying as long as you I totally understand your frustration. It sucks, it really does. There really isn't anything to make it better. HUGS!

  6. I totally understand this feeling. We haven't been trying as long, but (even though my husband denies it and I pretend to deny it), we are quickly approaching the "give up" stage.

    My sister had a baby last year, my best friend 2 years ago.... Mother's Days suck and if I hear one more person say "now that you're done with school, its your turn" I think i'll scream.

    Anyway, thanks for the post (and for letting me vent. :-)