Thursday, July 29, 2010

Odd Feelings

My first therapy (counseling? not really sure what to call it) appt yesterday went ok. As soon as I went in and she started talking I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. weird. I managed to eek out a little "i'm really nervous" and then composed myself.

We talked about my general reason for being there and I only cried when I told her I'm infertile. A held-in cry that I couldn't talk through. But I managed to compose myself quickly again and go on.

She already mentioned medication and I'm not sure how I feel about that. That's actually the reason I mentioned the infertility, since anything I take would obviously need to be pregnancy-friendly. However slim that chance is, there's still a chance, and I would feel horrible if I thought I screwed things up. But, medication in general is not something I'm really on board with right now. I told her I'd like to stick with just counseling for a while and maybe I'd be willing to consider it later if no progress was being made.

She told me she thinks I'm dealing with depression. I feel the same about this statement as I do about my PCOS dx. There are tons of symptoms of both, I have some and I don't have others, and it's just such a subjective thing. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I'm hoping that continuing to talk to her will allow me to deal with the moods that I'm not able to control right now. If I feel like crap, am frustrated and/or stressed, or feel like everything is bad/wrong, I just can't get over it. Only time helps. I want to be able to just turn it off when I feel like that.

My next appt is Wed the 4th and I do plan on continuing.


I'm kind of hesitant to go back. Maybe I shouldn't be going at all. I feel like I'm being selfish by talking to someone about myself. I feel like it's unreasonable to expect someone else to help me with this. We're talking about my feelings here, not a broken bone. I should be able to just pull it all together and cut this shit out. I'm embarrassed by things I told her and by things I will probably be telling her. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of her. I'm embarrassed to have even gone at all*.

I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's definitely a negative feeling and it isn't resulting from liking or disliking the therapist.

I don't normally talk to people about my problems/feelings. I have no close friends I talk to on a regular basis about things that are happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I complain and vent and cry and complain (what? I already said that?) to R ALL THE TIME. Probably way too much. But he is it. He's the only one. I sometimes tell my sister (C) things that annoy me and vent about work but it's all superficial stuff. She knows about my infertility but only because she knows I really want to get pregnant but can't. I don't go into details. I can't remember a time when I ever cried in front of her. She's 9 years younger than me - I don't want her to worry and I don't want to force her to hear things she doesn't want to hear.

My other family members know almost nothing of the emotional side of my life. I only talk about the very basic stuff (I moved, I bought a new car, have a new job, got a promotion, etc). This includes both my mom and dad. I keep almost everything from everyone except R... and this blog I guess. I wonder if my mom and dad would both be shocked to read this blog, and not because I have ever said anything bad about them.

Keeping everything from everyone is pretty lonely sometimes. I don't really do it on purpose but I guess now I know why I do it. Because sharing feels wrong and bad. I thought it would be nice for me to be able to talk to the therapist but it's not so far.

*Please know that I do not judge others for going to counseling. I don't think it's stupid or that the people who go are somehow wrong to go. The negativeness relates to me and dealing with my own feelings.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Where is #4?

I stole this from Sweet Pea :) I figured I'd keep her title 'cause I think it's cute. If anyone would like to steal it from me, feel free. Tell me in the comments if you do so I can read your answers.

1) If you could live in any country but the USA, where would you live?
Wow, it's hard to say since I've never been out of the country except to Canada when I was young and briefly to Mexico on a cruise 6 years ago. (I wouldn't want to move to Canada or Mexico ;)) I think I'd have to visit a bunch of places and check them all out first. Without having visited though, Ireland seems like it would be beautiful and laid-back and have an "out in the country" type feeling. Ireland, in a house overlooking the ocean :)

2) Why did you title your blog "All Aboard the Pity Boat"?
I actually explained this briefly in my very first post.

"The phrase "pity boat" is something I used to use when I was in highschool and I was feeling bad about myself. No matter what it was, too fat, bad hair, friend problems, boyfriend problems, school problems, parental problems, or even just a general feeling of blah, I'd use it to describe how I was feeling and to joke about it with my friend. "All aboard the pity boat! wooo woooo" and off I would go in my complaining.

Now-a-days I think I "board the pity boat" a lot less often but I still think of it every now and then. If I'm being really hard on myself about something or other I'll think of it and smile. So, while it sounds like a really negative title, it's not so very negative to me."

Funny enough, I think I've regressed in my pity-boating. I find myself boarding the pity boat a lot more often now than back when I wrote that post. "All Aboard the Pity Boat" also goes well with my love of water and the ocean so I evolved it into my blog theme.

3) How many "in real life" people know about your blog?
R (my husband) knows about it but doesn't read. Two old friends of mine (and possibly their daughter) know about it but I think only one of them reads. (love ya, Heather!) That's it. I've debated telling my sisters about it but have decided not to so far.

5) What kind of clothes do you wear?
I wear all different kinds of clothes and I don't stick to particular brands. However, when I got my current job, it was a lot more business-y dress than I was used to so I had to seek out more professional clothes. I started shopping at Lan.e Br.yant and was very happy with the fit of their clothes. Some of their stuff is cheaply made (and it's pretty expensive which is annoying) but I like it enough to keep going back (with coupons!)

6) What are you having for dinner tonight?
Ugh, the age-old question. I seriously hate that question and it's a source of stress for R and I. As weird as that sounds. I'm not a good planner when it comes to meals and we rarely know in advance what we will have.

However, tonight I have a plan! (Amazing, I know.) I have leftover chicken and leftover peas to use so I'm going to try and make this. I'm planning to use croissant dough-from-a-can though, instead of making the biscuits from scratch, to save a little time.

7) Where do you "blog"?
From my work laptop, where ever it happens to be. Mostly I blog from my office at work but if I blog from home it could be on the living room couch, at the dining room table, in our basement office, or just about anywhere.

8) Do you like to cook?
I love to cook and bake but I am a sloooooow. I feel like I don't have time to plan meals, shop, and cook properly so I end up very rarely cooking. If I was a stay-at-home-wife that is one of the things I would go crazy with!

9) What's your beverage of choice at night?
Water. I very rarely drink anything else, though I do sneak sips of R's beverages (soda, seltzer, lemonade, hard cider, etc) often.

10) What would you most like to know about your fellow bloggers who read this?
I'm curious to know if you actually read these question-answer things on blogs or if you skip over them ;) For me it depends. If I see some interesting questions or I'm heavily involved in the blog, I'll usually read them.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Everyone hates their jobs..."

I successfully avoided the baby party thing for my coworker yesterday. I kind of feel bad that I didn't go but I just couldn't have handled it.

The therapist didn't call me back yesterday, so I was all ready to start looking for others today, but then she called me this morning. I have an appt at 9am on Wednesday and I'm nervous. Nervous that I really have no reason to be going. Nervous that she'll tell me I'm just being a big baby and that I need to suck it up and just deal. Nervous that she won't actually say that but she'll think it. Nervous that I won't know what to say... Oh it just goes on and on.

And - I'd just like to say that my insurance sucks. I have to meet a deductible before they'll pay for therapy sessions at all so this first one will be a nice $120. She said to me, "Did you still want to make an appt?" after she told me about the cost. I said, "Well, yes. I don't really have any other choice." I suppose I have another choice. I could just suck it up and deal with life. *sigh*

I'm thinking about a career change. Maybe an internal move within my company but there are limited departments I could move to and I have no idea if things would be any better. I'm also thinking about going back to school. I enjoy school (learning new things, going to labs and lectures) but I absolutely hate tests and projects. My procrastinating nature makes those aspects incredibly stressful. Maybe going back to school isn't the best idea but right now I'm floundering around trying to come up with things to make my life better.

People keep telling me "everyone hates their jobs". That can't be true, can it? Someone out there must enjoy doing what they do for a living. I mean, I understand there are always bad things to deal with - some people suck to deal with, some days you just dread getting up and leaving the house, sometimes you have to do things for work you'd rather not do - but overall, is it unrealistic to think there might be something out there that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes (or someone else's...) out with a spoon? Because there is no aspect of my job that I enjoy doing and I'm not at all interested in the topics that my job deals with. I'm only at this job for the money and benefits and the big benefit of working at the same place as R.

If I could only smack my 18 year old self across the face and tell her that she needs to think in terms of a career sooner rather than later. Something in a science related field because that is where my interests lie.

Monday, July 19, 2010

This Doesn't Help

Just received this email invite:

In a last-ditch effort to celebrate BEFORE HappyCoworker has the baby, I'd like to invite you all to an informal get-together tomorrow afternoon in the conference room. I have a card at my desk which you can come by and sign, and will plan to get a giftcard from all of us if you'd like to donate. She is also registered at Ta.rget, if you'd prefer to pick something out. Gifts/donations are completely optional, but it would be great if you could stop by and offer good wishes. Please extend the invite to anyone you can think of that would be interested.


HappyCoworker was discussed in this post and she is due any day now. She is the one I described as a belly-rubber and I've tried my best to avoid her in order to not find out if she really is a belly-rubber or not. I always stare at her head when talking to her because I can't bear to look down.

I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow so I have an excuse not to go but I really should go to work. I think I'll be pretending to be on a conference call at 1pm tomorrow... Should I even sign the card? I probably should but I feel like a hypocrite or something. Of course that would assume that I can even bring myself to look at the card.

Ya know what really sucks about all this too? I love shopping for and buying baby items. I would love nothing more than to go to and get something off her registry but ugh, giving it to her would be heartbreaking.

In general I'm feeling a bit better. I had an ok weekend since I totally ignored work the whole time. I managed to clean out and organize my basement (with R's help) which made me happy.

However, as Sunday night went on I started feeling panicky thinking about going to work this morning. I had to concentrate with all my might in order to stay relaxed and normal as the night went on. This morning was tough and now, at work, all I can do is sit here and think about going home.

No one ever called me back last week from the doctor's office (for the therapist). I finally called on Friday and basically begged them to call me back. Today during lunch my phone started ringing and I knew it was that office. The woman left me a voicemail saying she's sorry no one called me back, she doesn't know what happened, and that whoever is taking new patients will call me back this week. More waiting. She did mention that maybe I should call my insurance and find another place to go to if I want a sooner appt. (great advice lady, thanks) It's crazy how hard finding a therapist is proving to be.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Messed Up

I'm in a bad place right now.

Everything is a mess... but it's all in my mind. I know in reality everything is fine but I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

There is so much I want to write about but the writing never happens. I only think about it. There is so much I want to do but I never do it. I only think about it.

I am so unhappy at my job right now that I want to scream. And I do sometimes even though it doesn't make me feel better.

I feel like I'm stressed all the time.

I'm waiting for a therapist to call me back. Hopefully today. I haven't seen one for more than 10 years (not counting my brief experience with marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage). Maybe it will help.

I feel like I need to schedule my life down to the minute and be forced to stick to the schedule at gunpoint. But there is no one around with a gun and I never actually write up a schedule.

Night is the worst. I'm dead tired (so tired most of the time) but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll fall asleep and it'll all happen again the next day. So I stay up late and miss out on time with R and make myself even more tired.

R is trying his best to help me. I feel so sorry for him - I know I'm making things tough and stressing him out. He thinks I'm dealing with anxiety. I really have no idea.

If I ignore everything I'm ok, even happy. I can watch TV or a movie with R or my sister or go out to eat or read blogs and I feel fine. But as soon as I try to deal with real life - mostly working but other normal life things as well - I fall apart.

I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.